Anxious about going away for a few days

[tailspin]

Hi there,

I'm going away tomorrow with my hubby, our dogs and a group of friends for a long weekend. I am feeling pretty anxious about it. I noticed the physical anxiety symptoms kicking in last night. And they are worse this morning. I'm having some chest tightness, shallow breathing, queasy tummy, and I can feel periodic adrenaline surges. I'm having a really hard time concentrating on anything and I'm just generally feeling anxious and on edge (more than usual).

It's sad that the prospect of a weekend away with friends instills fear within me! It makes me feel bad about myself for being so "abnormal" (my belief being that a "normal" person would be looking forward to a fun weekend away). Anyhow, I'm trying not to beat up on myself too much and instead just trying to roll with the anxious feelings and accept that, for me - or for anyone with an Anxiety Disorder - it's actually normal to feel nervous about a big change to our routine. Yes, I wish that I was looking forward to this weekend instead of feeling anxious about it, but at least I'm going and I'm sure there will be some enjoyable parts to the weekend. Also, I know it's good for me to push myself to do things (although, let's face it, this is hardly a big challenge in the grand scheme of things. But still, it's something.......)

Not sure why I'm posting this really other than to express my anxiety rather than just sit here with it eating away at me! Also to give myself a bit of a pep talk. And because I know there are other people here who understand what it's like to dread things that other folks look forward to! And that helps me feel less alone!

Thanks for listening!!

PS: 669

[petrified]

Hi Joanna, I'm sorry your feeling so anxious about your trip and I'm sure once you are there you will have an amazing time.
It total makes sense what you are saying forwells about mistaking excitement for anxiety as you are right alot of the symptoms are the same.
Joanna I always find the build up to a trip or something I need to do more stressful than the actual event.
I hope you have a fantastic trip just try an concentrate on all the fun you will have I'm sure you will be fine when you are there among people that live you :-).
I'm not sure anyone is normal just some people are better at hiding it than others.
Love the mouse pic it put a big smile on my face thanks :-)

[jessed03]

Listen up 'Spin, just a few hours to go, until the biggest vacation of your life. I see in this thread, one brave lady, pushing on, in defiance of emotional tyranny.

Now you could cancel your short break, aye, and stay in bed safely, OR, you could go.

Stay home and you'll be fine, go - and you may feel anxiety...

At least for a while....

*Music plays*

And lying in your bed still...... many days from now, when you were due to return home..... would you be willing... to trade.... all the days -- from this day to that -- for one chance, just one chance, to come back here.... and tell your anxiety.... that it may make you feel bad.... but it will never take....

YOUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My little anxiety motivational 'Braveheart' speech for you there Lol :p

I hope you have some fun on your trip! Are you staying in state? That mouse pic is real funny btw!

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hey, TS, I get what you're saying. Describing those increased anxious feelings toward an event that is suppose to be fun. Often it is confused with excitement, but I think us lovely ppl here take that excitement to a different level to where we make our selves overly anxious and sick about something that we should be able to look forward to. Abnormal to a different crowd, but around here, we are completely normal in feeling that way, right? :)

I hope you have fun! Kick anxiety's ass and enjoy the trip with your hubby, dogs, and friends! I know the entire ordeal in itself might seem small in the grand scheme of things, but if it makes you feel anxiety, that's something big to you.

Just imagine these words as you set out: That's one small step for Tailspin, but one giant leap for anxiety!! :P

And yes, Love the mouse pic!! ......... :)

[tailspin]

Think of it as a little girl on a big outing .


LOL!! Thanks, forwells!! Actually I was just thinking that I need to put my "big girl" pants on!!! :)

[tailspin]

Thanks so much for the encouragement everyone! And for the Braveheart pep talk, jessed!! :) I really appreciate the support a lot!! Thank you!!

I agree that anxiety and excitement are pretty much the same physiologically. And I have on occasion tried to trick myself into believing I'm excited when I'm really anxious. Sometimes it does work!! It's just, the constant "what if" thoughts are really exhausting. Like, I just went out now with my dogs for a walk and I did a pretty vigorous hike up a really steep hill to try and burn off some nervous energy, but all the time in my mind there was this dialog: "what if something happens to my dogs on the trip and I can't get to a vet?" "what if I'm ill on the trip and can't get to a hospital?" "what if I have a horrendous panic attack and everyone sees what a nervous wreck I really am?" etc etc. And even though I try to argue with those thoughts or distract myself. The thoughts keep coming!! And it's just exhausting. Ya know??!

Here's the thing also. I've been to this place many times before. It's actually a house we own. We rent it out to other people as a vacation rental, but we also use it ourselves and with friends when it's not booked. It's in a remote part of the Sierra Nevada (huge mountain range in California). There is a telephone (no cell phone service) and there is an internet connection (albeit a slow one), and obviously there is electricity and hot water etc. In fact, it's a really nice and comfortable house. But it is remote. We have no neighbors. Nearest vet and nearest hospital are at least 1.5 hour's drive away on narrow winding roads. There is a tiny village nearby with a tiny population (probably about 50 people, or less). It's definitely "way out in the boonies" as they say here. Which is all part of it's charm. It's supposed to be a "get away from it all" place. And when we bought it, I didn't have this terrible anxiety that I do now. I used to enjoy going there. Then gradually, things changed. Or, I should say, I changed. Something happened to me (I wish I knew what!!) and my anxiety grew and grew, until it became an unmanageable monster. Granted, the anti-depressant I take has helped somewhat. And I do have Ativan that I'll be bringing with me on the trip. But, as jessed said in a previous post, I'm still living in the shadow of the monster.

Not only that, I've had some real doozies of panic attacks up there (big ones). Also, we have had a couple of emergencies with our dogs which involved horribly stressful drives in the middle of the night to the nearest vet on icy roads. In fact, last time it happened, I swore I'd never go to the house again. But that's not really feasible because we own it. Plus my husband really likes going there. But, as I say, I have a history of anxiety there and stressful things really have happened. So all this plays heavily into it.

BUT, as someone else wrote on this forum somewhere, at the end of the day, I feel like shit when I stay at home too. So really, I'm better off going somewhere, even if I feel like shit there too, because at least I'm doing something!!!! And, as jessed says - and it's a really important point - at least by going, the anxiety isn't taking away my freedom. And that is a big thing. Just, it would be nice not to feel like shit. Ya know?!?!?!

There's other stuff too. It has to do with interacting with other people who are coming with us on the trip (that has more to do with my overall abysmal lack of confidence and self-worth). But I'll save that gem for another post!!!

At any rate, THANK YOU so much for letting me get this out. It really, really helps. And I will certainly be checking in when I'm there too.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

[trinidiva]

You should definitely go and have a good time. I always get a little nervous before a trip but once I'm there I end up having a good time and I wondered why I was so nervous to begin with!!!

[petrified]

Hope your having a great time away :-)

[embrace123]

Enjoy yourself relax and set free . :)

[tailspin]

Hope your having a great time away :-)

Thanks so much, Hannah. It's a bit of a mixed bag so far to be honest. I felt ok on the way up (it's a 5+ hour drive from home) and I felt ok when we arrived, though a bit stressed. And we had a lot of laughs last night. We were telling stories and playing games and we played one game where we were sort of lifting someone off the ground and it was hysterically funny (no, I wasn't drinking!!! Everyone else was, but I wasn't and yet I still found it hysterically funny!!) So I was feeling pretty good, just some background stress feelings and some stress with the dogs (one of our friends in the group has a new dog and one of our dogs took a dislike to him so that was/is a bit stressful)

Anyhow, for whatever reason, when we went to bed last night I just couldn't sleep. At all. I had insomnia the whole night and I'm feeling awful today. I was anxious in the night, but didn't have a full on panic attack. It was more a stream of anxious and negative thoughts running through my mind and preventing me from going to sleep. But it wasn't that awful "I'm about to die" type of panic attack when your body starts freaking out and you feel like you're about to drop dead because you're feeling so unwell. I felt depressed more than anxious and I couldn't find a way to turn these thoughts off and I didn't want to get up in case I disturbed anyone so I just lay there having a horrible time. As the night wore on and it became clear I wouldn't sleep, I did start feeling adrenaline surges and more anxiety because I was anticipating how rough I would feel today and really worrying about that. I definitely had strong thoughts of wanting to go home today. And a lot of negative thoughts along the lines of "why can't I be like everyone else and just enjoy myself FFS instead of being such a neurotic basket case"

This morning I felt really sick and just completely overdone and I started crying to my hubby and he was super understanding and supportive (he really "gets" mental illness which is very helpful) and he made me feel a bit better. Then I went out of our bedroom and everyone was having breakfast. There are 14 of us on this trip + 7 dogs so it's quite a big group. I know these people well and I'm able to be pretty honest with them. They know I have some mood issues and anxiety. I didn't go into full details. I just said I'd had a bad night of insomnia, which was true, and that I wasn't feeling great today. Everyone was fine with it. I'm lucky to be with friends who I can be pretty honest with (even though they don't have personal experience of mental illness. My husband does though. He has mental illness in his family and he has also had his own issues, so he truly gets it).

Anyhow, I'm not feeling that anxious as such. I'm mainly just feeling really overdone because I didn't sleep last night. And I'm feeling very sick to my stomach (too much stomach acid I think). But I went on a hike with the group and it was such a beautiful day and I felt ok and I had some laughs with people. Mainly I'm worrying in case I can't sleep tonight either because that will really send me over the top with stress and feeling ill. I may just have to take a preventative Ativan, which I hate to do. But anyhow.

So it's definitely a mixed bag! so far!! Wish I could report that I'm having a great time and it's all hunky dory, but, realistically, that was never going to happen. At least I've had some fun moments though, and if I can just manage to get some sleep tonight I will feel better.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It is so helpful to me to be able to write this down. Thanks for being there!!!!!

[Perses]

Hi Tailspin,

I have trouble sleeping when I've been around other people too much. I feel like I need to perform as the happy, intelligent, sophisticated wit. In fact, my really good friends know that I leave parties early because I start to get anxious. Often, it's (sad to say) that too much of a good time unnerves me, either because I'm not chipper enough, or because, frankly, I get jealous of other people's happiness. I get sulky inside and that is stressful. Why? Because I should be having fun, and am not. So, I force myself. Stress because I'm unhappy when I should be happy.

Soooo.... I think I've already mentioned I listen to books on tape by the dozens to help me sleep. Seriously, if I couldn't listen to my books, well, I'd rob the audiobooks section of a library. I'm all for taking drugs when you need them.

Hope you are in Morpheus's embrace...

P.

[mylove9080]

Im the same way imma be going for a trip is 4 to 5hrs away and im alrdy feeling all these symptoms. Ugh is soo anoyying. Like my minds is akrsy in the car on the highway and feeling anxious. We havent even left yet. nd my mind is alrdy their.

[petrified]

Hi Joanna I'm sorry you had a bad night I also struggle with sleep when I'm away. Perhaps getting it all down on here might help you sleep better tonight. It's great you've got so much support there with you and your husband sounds lovely, it's great he's so understanding. Dogs are funny creatures and I get the stress my benjie doesn't like any dogs at all he's constantly trying to protect us and sees all other dogs as a threat.
It's great that you had so much fun the game you all played sounds fab.
I no it's really difficult, but try and concentrate on the good things that's happening and please don't feel bad if you decide to take your meds. If they are going to help you sleep that's a good thing.
If you need to talk I'm always here. Hope you get a better night sleep tonight. My fingers and toes are crossed for you :-) xx

[tailspin]

Hi Tailspin,I have trouble sleeping when I've been around other people too much. I feel like I need to perform as the happy, intelligent, sophisticated wit. In fact, my really good friends know that I leave parties early because I start to get anxious. Often, it's (sad to say) that too much of a good time unnerves me, either because I'm not chipper enough, or because, frankly, I get jealous of other people's happiness. I get sulky inside and that is stressful. Why? Because I should be having fun, and am not. So, I force myself. Stress because I'm unhappy when I should be happy.

Thank you so much, Perses, for hitting the nail on the head! Everything you say here describes EXACTLY how I feel when I'm in a group. Or in any social situation really. I absolutely feel the need to behave in a friendly, upbeat way. I often become quite hyper in fact. Even if I'm opening up to a closer friend about my depression and anxiety, I tend to do this in an enthusiastic way (hell, even when I post here I always seem to feel the need to use an overabundance of exclamation marks!!!! ' )

Presumably I do this because I would genuinely like to be a more upbeat person. And then, as you say here, I begin to resent the fact that I'm not genuinely having fun (or that I'm not genuinely this upbeat, entertaining person more of the time). So for these reasons, spending time with people socially is often problematic for me. It's often exhausting, but at the same time it's also over-stimulating (so it makes total sense that is one reason why I couldn't sleep).

Also, as you say here, I too become jealous of other people's happiness. And especially of their general ability to live a full life. I then proceed to beat up on myself big time. This almost always happens when I spend time with people. I compare myself and I invariably feel I come up short. Not only myself, but my marriage. I compare my marriage with the marriages of my friends, and I feel like my marriage comes up short. And of course the reason it comes up short is because I'm a failure. And so it goes on.....Really, it's a wonder that I ever spend time with people at all!!

Thankfully I don't always feel bad and sometimes I do genuinely enjoy the company of friends. But I'm very sensitive and the enjoyment can quickly turn to despair (especially on a long, sleepless night). Thank you so much for articulating this so well, Perses! And for allowing me to be so honest!

Well, it's almost midnight here and I'm really appreciating some quiet time on the computer. Some others are playing Scrabble, or doing something on their computers and the evening is generally winding down. I'm going to go to bed soon and I'm hoping very much I get some sleep (unfortunately I don't have any books on tape, but I do have a good novel so I'm going to read that until I get drowsy). Thanks so much again, Perses!

[tailspin]

Im the same way imma be going for a trip is 4 to 5hrs away and im alrdy feeling all these symptoms. Ugh is soo anoyying. Like my minds is akrsy in the car on the highway and feeling anxious. We havent even left yet. nd my mind is alrdy their.

Hi mylove9080, I'm sorry you're worrying about a trip you have coming up. I can definitely relate to what you say here about starting to feel anxious way before the actual trip. But sometimes it turns out that the worry beforehand is much worse than the trip itself. So hopefully you will find that once you get to where you're going, you will feel much better. I hope that's the case! Let us know!

[tailspin]

Hi Joanna I'm sorry you had a bad night I also struggle with sleep when I'm away. Perhaps getting it all down on here might help you sleep better tonight. It's great you've got so much support there with you and your husband sounds lovely, it's great he's so understanding. Dogs are funny creatures and I get the stress my benjie doesn't like any dogs at all he's constantly trying to protect us and sees all other dogs as a threat.
It's great that you had so much fun the game you all played sounds fab.
I no it's really difficult, but try and concentrate on the good things that's happening and please don't feel bad if you decide to take your meds. If they are going to help you sleep that's a good thing.
If you need to talk I'm always here. Hope you get a better night sleep tonight. My fingers and toes are crossed for you :-) xx

Thank you so much ((((Hannah))))) I really appreciate your support a lot. Thanks for understanding about the dog stress too! Our dogs are also very protective of us and that can cause problems. It's very stressful when they act up (though obviously I would want them to protect us if there was an actual threat!) Ha! Kind of like fear/anxiety! Useful in the face of an actual threat but stressful when our alarm bells go off for no good reason!

I'm about to go to bed now and I'm feeling more relaxed than I was last night so hopefully that's a good sign. It has definitely helped a lot to write all this down. Thanks so much again for listening.

PS: How are you doing? Did your bank get everything sorted? Really hope so! xxxx

[petrified]

I'm so pleased your feeling more relaxed that had definitely got to be a good sign. Dogs are murder lol I'm sure my benjie wouldn't be much help for a break in unless it was a dog breaking in haha.
Yeah my bank refunded me in Friday thank The Lord and I repaid what I loaned from my council. Thanks for asking.
Good night Joanna I hope you have a restful sleep tonight. My days just started so I will be here if you need me. :-)

[tailspin]

I'm so pleased your feeling more relaxed that had definitely got to be a good sign. Dogs are murder lol I'm sure my benjie wouldn't be much help for a break in unless it was a dog breaking in haha.
Yeah my bank refunded me in Friday thank The Lord and I repaid what I loaned from my council. Thanks for asking.
Good night Joanna I hope you have a restful sleep tonight. My days just started so I will be here if you need me. :-)

Thanks so much, Hannah. I did get some sleep last night, but I woke up quite frequently and I still feel really tired today (you should see the bags under my eyes! Ugh!!). We are going home tomorrow (Monday) so just one more night to go!! My mood is up and down. Definitely still having a lot of negative thoughts (mainly to do with comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate). Touch wood, so far my anxiety hasn't been much of a problem. It's been my depression which has been more of an issue (not helped by sleep problems!!). We went on a long hike earlier with the group which was nice. It's very beautiful here and though we were prepared for snow, it's actually still warm and sunny. When I get back I will post a pic (the internet connection is super slow so I'm limited in what I can upload).

So glad your bank refunded you the money!! Yay!! Hope you are doing ok, Hannah! xxxxx

[jessed03]

So glad your bank refunded you the money!! Yay!! Hope you are doing ok, Hannah! xxxxx

Yeah, some make you wait an age for your money back, it's good that they managed to sort it out swiftly!

@Tailspin, I've always found with anxiety, that things are more enjoyable looking back on, than when living them! That way you can selectively edit out the less fun bits in your mind, lol.

Did you take any pics? .... Safe travelling!

[tailspin]

@Tailspin, I've always found with anxiety, that things are more enjoyable looking back on, than when living them! That way you can selectively edit out the less fun bits in your mind, lol.

Did you take any pics? .... Safe travelling!

That is very true, jessed! I know I will look back on this trip with very fond memories. And I have laughed a lot and had some genuinely fun times while we've been here. It's really important for me to replace fearful associations with positive associations regarding this house (as well as with many other things). Hopefully this weekend - despite some negative periods - will help with that.

I took quite a few pics and will post some once we're back home tomorrow. Our internet connection is slow here and pics can be a bugger to upload.

Thanks for asking!