I got issues of some sort

[recca]

This might sound like rambling but here I go.... I am depressed for all sorts of reasons, I dream about so much different dumb crap and wake up in pain everyday (got scolioses and tmj). Always tired, hate my job, has had many miss carriages and get to see Ianother family member be successful and happy. Some days I think I feel down just because.. anyways, I never come close to doing it, but I think about suicide a lot! And in so many different ways.. I'm on medication, have a councler, friends, family, husband, pets and awesome coworkers.. what is wrong with me, the feeling is there so often, its like nothing helps anymore.... anyone?

[Ponder]

Hi recca, I'm not exactly stable myself and have my own issues, however in saying that ... I could not log out, having come across your post. I really don't know what to say ... except that I cared enough to try and say something. Suicidal tendencies are a sign that things just aren't not working despite all the support one may have.

I had to change one of my antidepressant because I to ended up back where I started despite having tried one type of medicine. I am glad I did, because for the first time in years, I was lucky to discover that some medications are not as bad as I thought and in fact seem to be helping. Ultimately though ... you will hear others eventually say from time to time, that they don't cure us, that there mostly there to assist us ... I take it your depression is long term?

Long Term depression is so hard accept ... When I get to stage in my shed where I look at the beam and then some rope ... well, what can I say. That's all I can really say out of respect for others who also so clearly struggle with such feelings. Honestly, even just searching Google for different methods when I feel that way, has become something where I need to talk to me therapist about ... and I mean really talk, not just the usual showing up that goes on at times. I'm just sharing how it is for me, cause as I said, I simply could not log out before letting you know that I care ...............

Again, sometimes I have to make a real effort to get my therapist and also others around to hear me when I have something to say....when I am in a rut I tend to be treated like a door mat and just go along until I explode and or start with the suicidal thinking ... I full understand how painful if can be to be caught between that and having to go on without feeling like anything can be done. I can't just say hang in there, because I know how shallow that can sound when at such a stage.

All I can say is that I will be back on later ... and if your able to just talk about anything else that comes to your mind or anything worth elaborating on ... the please do so, as I'm sure you'll get some responses in here. Once again, I'm not exactly fairing well myself of late in this forum, and more than likely alienated myself ... but I am right here for you. I live in Australia ... so will be logging back in shortly before I head of to bed ... then you'll have support from others as the sun makes its way up after then.

Sometimes, all we have is ourselves, and when we get to that point, we can let things out a little differently. I'm always going over my story, but I'm big on trying to see it another way each time I go around ... Just want to let you know once again ... I'm right with you when you say you just can't find any sense in it all! Forget about giving in to the despair ... think about what it is that the mind is hiding from you ... Google searching for me stupid methods is a waste of time, so now I search on different ways to get better if something is not working ............. also I shave my beard, have a shower and try to clean myself up some and remind myself I am a human and whats inside that is what matters.

I got to go ........... back later .... hope I have not made things worse.
Dave.

[kdoddie]

Hi,
I'm new on the forum and came across your post. I am also not travelling too well myself but felt the need to reply. Depression does not know any boundaries. You can be a millionaire and the perfect life and still have depression. Depression just is 1 of those things, it can strike anyone no matter their social status, race or color.
Do you have a good psychologist or councillor? If you don't I recommend getting 1. I struggle with suicidal thoughts myself and understand how horrible they can be. I remind myself on a daily basis thoughts are just thoughts and cannot hurt me. Please hold on as things will get better. Don't give up, fight! You will get there.

[recca]

So I know I havent replied to anything, got lost in some stuff, thought things were getting better and then lost my job, they said it was a lay off but they are also paying me off. *my area was actually really busy* That usually means you never getting called back. Iv spent so much time and effort on that job and just like that, I was done. Iv have always had a job sense I was legally old enough, so now that I don't I feel so lost. I get outs bed at random times.. *I have a very difficult time getting outa bed* when I do finally get up, I sit around lost on what to do. I have no energy and absolutely no ambition to even look for a job. I still think of suicide off and on, I catch myself sitting and starring blankly at the floor. Im finding that I hate morning and evenings/nights the most. So i'm not happy for very long.. So there is some more rambling, all in all.. do I just need time to figure it out or do I need a padded room??

[Ponder]

I understand well how things come - in fact, I am not quite well at this point myself, but wanted to say I will be back later in the day. Australia here though...

Time is overrated, although I have said it helps ... thing is, it best to look deep inside, to find all that stuff buried, all that stuff the mind has hidden - the stuff that is hard to deal with and or understand. Although I am not a proponent of thinking - opening up and being mindful of what resides within can be of great benefit. People are not thier jobs, not thier feelings, nor the house or clothes ... So often people are led to believe these things, that when they introduce themselves, it's Hi, "My name is such and such, I work 76 hours a week, drive a BMW which is a bla bla model, live in the ritz, have life insurance with whatever company, I go to such and such church affiliated with, I buy my clothes from, and la la la ..."

People don't know who they are ... they always emphasis "their things" when greeting another for a first time - People no longer identify with themselves, they identify with the extremal and cover up the real person - the real themselves with layers of constant thinking and thoughts about the past and future. The job description and all the things that follow and all invested with emotion - so when such things are threatened people think it is the end of the world, they will loose their life's investment. Once the job is gone, they can no longer exist - it's an eternal living in the past with woes me if only this or that, the images and thoughts begin to sap you dry - then comes the anxiety with OMG, how am I going to live - the future now comes to minds with all sorts of fear -

That is why people feel so drained --- it takes a lot of energy to pine over the past and worry about the future --- All those investments, all that work, - now by the worlds standard - one is nothing without a job, house, car and bling bling -

It's not until I let go of all that crap - that I being to feel what it's like to start living -.

As I say ... recca - I am struggling with a little crap deep within myself. Forgive me If I am not quite getting this out right.
I'm going for a long overdue walk ... that seems to help...:)

[ThousandMiles]

Hey there,

You're not rambling, you're just venting your feelings and thoughts, which everyone needs to do. Don't make that something else to feel down about, just enjoy the release!

I obviously can't really help you, but I will say that you need to remember that nothing is *wrong* with you; you are feeling depressed, and that's an illness. It's not your fault, and like any other illness, it can be cured. But part of the illness is, I've been told + I have experienced, feeling like you are a freak. Like nothing helps, and like nothing will help. But things can only get better - even if the past cannot be changed, even if present situations can't be changed, even if the feelings come back - things will improve. I'm holding onto this knowledge + the concept of a better future, and at times it really does help. So try think about those things, and make sure you share as much as you can with your counselor. The more he/she knows, the better he/she can help you. He/she can maybe even help you develop the skills, courage and motivation to change what is about your life that you are so unhappy with.

Also try to hold onto moments of happiness, or anything close to it. Personally, my depression is making me feel numb all the time, sometimes angry and often upset. But even when feeling numb, there are things that make me smile, or laugh, or at least acknowledge that I'm grateful, or doing something nice, or feeling appreciated above the numbness. Hold onto those things, and do as many things as you can that make you feel calm, or have the potential to make you feel happy/happier/less crushed. Don't give into the urges to retreat into nothingness too often. It's fine to admit defeat some days, but doing it too often will make you feel worse.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, or afraid of. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has regrets, issues, dark thoughts and feelings... it's because we're all human. And it doesn't make you any less of a person if you're having difficulty coping with these things.

Have a nice day x