Hoping this is going to help me sleep

[petrified]

Hi everyone I'm having a really tough night I'm trying everything to sleep but have loads of thoughts running through my head. I'm about to ramble on and I'm really truly not looking for sympathy I just need to tell someone, anyone how in feeling and what the thoughts in my head are. Here goes!

Well it all started as I was trying to figure out why I suddenly feel so low and so my life starts going through my head as to try and get to the cause. I'm thinking could it be that my mam died when I was three and my dad turned to drink? But then I feel guilty as it wasn't my mams fault she died and my dad was left a widow at 30 year old with two young girls to bring up. I do admire and love my dad unreal amounts even though he has made bad choices. He managed to hold a full time job, raise me and my sister and be an alcoholic. Which gets me thinking maybe I caused the alcoholism somehow :-/

Secondly as my dad worked shifts in his job I spent half my time growing up at my grandmas (my mams, mam). We had alot of visitors there like aunts and uncles. Well my uncle took a particular liking to me when I was around about 7 and often used to like to get me alone where he wasn't very nice and abused me sexually until I was about 12. I eventually told my dad when I was 14 and we went to the police, but my whole family apart from my dad and sister turned against me. I now have no contact with my mams side of the family. The police couldn't get a strong enough case as the family said I had never been alone with him. I'm now thinking was it my fault he did it as when I was little I always wanted attention from him!

I used to babysit for a neighbour who had two small children and a teenage son. I used to end up sleeping over as she liked to go clubbing and wasn't back until the early hours. Anyway one night a friend of her teenage son came in while I was sleeping and forced his self on me and I fell pregnant as a result. I was 14. I didn't and still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy I drank and took recreational drugs until I miscarried. I feel absolutely horrendous doing that and I'm in tears now writing this. I never have been to the police about it after previous experiences.
I met my husband at 15 and my life got a million times better. By then my dad had a new alcoholic wife a wasn't bothered that I had moved in with my husband aged 15. My life got loads better and I fell pregnant with my son aged 16 and had him when I was 17.
My father in law died when my husband was 22 and I was 19 and my husband turned to alcohol. He nearly died a year and a half ago through alcoholism he was very poorly and still is too an extent he's only 30. All the years he drank he blamed me and my nagging for his drinking which leads me to believe I caused his and my fathers drinking problems. That if I hadn't been in their lives they would of been fine. I have always stood by my husband and love him unreal amounts but my thoughts are still here. It must have been my fault. We had a miscarriage a year after my son was born which I blame my previous miscarriage on, I feel it's a punishment for me!
I'm currently having cbt but might see my doctor about some other therapy as writing this all down makes me realise I have a lot of issues. Just wish I could get rid of these stupid feelings and feeling so down. I hate wallowing and living I the past it's not me! I should be stronger than this! I always have been. I'm only 27 but at the minute feel 87 I need to suck it up grrrrrrr.
Sorry for rambling I really hope this helps me sleep. I just had to get it off my chest and didnt no where else to write it.
Sorry again goodnight everyone :-)

[NeverToo...Fear]

Again, I know I keep saying this, but I feel that you really don't have to say your sorry for anything, Hannah ! ....... :)

I think it was very brave of you to share a little bit of your personal story with us here.

And I do think it helps immensely to write it all out..A lot of the times, so much bothers us and leaves us with such jumbled emotions and thoughts that it becomes so difficult to see the root of what is eating at us..writing thoughts down can really organize one--but I hope you get some good sleep btw !

[mikecole114]

Hi everyone I'm having a really tough night I'm trying everything to sleep but have loads of thoughts running through my head. I'm about to ramble on and I'm really truly not looking for sympathy I just need to tell someone, anyone how in feeling and what the thoughts in my head are. Here goes! Well it all started as I was trying to figure out why I suddenly feel so low and so my life starts going through my head as to try and get to the cause. I'm thinking could it be that my mam died when I was three and my dad turned to drink? But then I feel guilty as it wasn't my mams fault she died and my dad was left a widow at 30 year old with two young girls to bring up. I do admire and love my dad unreal amounts even though he has made bad choices. He managed to hold a full time job, raise me and my sister and be an alcoholic. Which gets me thinking maybe I caused the alcoholism somehow :-/ Secondly as my dad worked shifts in his job I spent half my time growing up at my grandmas (my mams, mam). We had alot of visitors there like aunts and uncles. Well my uncle took a particular liking to me when I was around about 7 and often used to like to get me alone where he wasn't very nice and abused me sexually until I was about 12. I eventually told my dad when I was 14 and we went to the police, but my whole family apart from my dad and sister turned against me. I now have no contact with my mams side of the family. The police couldn't get a strong enough case as the family said I had never been alone with him. I'm now thinking was it my fault he did it as when I was little I always wanted attention from him! I used to babysit for a neighbour who had two small children and a teenage son. I used to end up sleeping over as she liked to go clubbing and wasn't back until the early hours. Anyway one night a friend of her teenage son came in while I was sleeping and forced his self on me and I fell pregnant as a result. I was 14. I didn't and still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy I drank and took recreational drugs until I miscarried. I feel absolutely horrendous doing that and I'm in tears now writing this. I never have been to the police about it after previous experiences. I met my husband at 15 and my life got a million times better. By then my dad had a new alcoholic wife a wasn't bothered that I had moved in with my husband aged 15. My life got loads better and I fell pregnant with my son aged 16 and had him when I was 17. My father in law died when my husband was 22 and I was 19 and my husband turned to alcohol. He nearly died a year and a half ago through alcoholism he was very poorly and still is too an extent he's only 30. All the years he drank he blamed me and my nagging for his drinking which leads me to believe I caused his and my fathers drinking problems. That if I hadn't been in their lives they would of been fine. I have always stood by my husband and love him unreal amounts but my thoughts are still here. It must have been my fault. We had a miscarriage a year after my son was born which I blame my previous miscarriage on, I feel it's a punishment for me! I'm currently having cbt but might see my doctor about some other therapy as writing this all down makes me realise I have a lot of issues. Just wish I could get rid of these stupid feelings and feeling so down. I hate wallowing and living I the past it's not me! I should be stronger than this! I always have been. I'm only 27 but at the minute feel 87 I need to suck it up grrrrrrr. Sorry for rambling I really hope this helps me sleep. I just had to get it off my chest and didnt no where else to write it. Sorry again goodnight everyone :-)

Wow what an inspiring story. You have been through a lot! I completely agree that you cant blame your self for anything you've written in this post. You may have had problems but look how you've come out on top. This proves you are bigger and better then everyone and anything bad that happened to you. Your success is a credit to how strong you really are... And I don't even know it!
I know sleep is hard when your over thinking but have you tried mindfulness meditation I finding that helps. Also I've found just replying on some peoples threads on here makes me feel better about myself and takes the negative thoughts away. Helping you is helping me sleep so thankyou!

[Dahila]

Why we always blame yourself for bad things other people do? I am moved by your story and I do understand a lot, I mean a lot. Things which happened in my childhood influenced my whole life and any decision I made, usually the bad ones. You are getting the help, and working on your issues, that's very good. Hopefully the therapist will be able to help you. Honey you are not the reason your father drink, or husband, their alcoholism is their fault. Do not let anyone to blame you for their choices. Keep strong and keep us posted. :)

[tailspin]

Hi Hannah, I totally second everything the others have said here. I am so sorry for all that you've been through, but you are absolutely not responsible for other people's behavior and none of it is your fault.

I also think it was very brave of you to write this and I'm sure it will move a lot of people. It's also inspirational because, as others have said, you have been through so much, yet you have got through it and you have a lovely husband and son who you love very much, and who love you right back.

I do think it would be really helpful to have some talk therapy as well as the CBT. Childhood trauma and sexual abuse are really deep issues that need to be worked through in a different way (different from CBT). Writing it down like this is definitely really helpful too. You are a really strong woman!!

Really hope you've been able to get a good night's sleep. Hugs to you! xxxxxx

[Stephj526]

What a powerful story! I know its so hard to understand you didn't cause their drinking, but try to think about it differently. It sounds like the men in your life both responded poorly to stress. You didn't hand them the bottle. They could have sought counseling, cried, or any other way of releasing stress. But they didn't. They chose to drink, which is actually a depressant and probably caused the downward spiral.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and are a pretty strong woman. Anxiety is one more battle and after all the other battles you've won already, you can definitely do this! Hope you are able to get some sleep!

[petrified]

Thanks everyone It did actually help me sleep I think just writing it all down on here took it out of my head for a while. Thank you all for listening I really appreciate it. I think I do have a problem with apologising too much lol. People bump into in the street and I apologise to them lol.

[tailspin]

Glad you were able to sleep, Hannah! LOL re the apologizing to people who bump into you in the street! I tend to apologize a lot too. I've been told it's a British thing!! :)

[petrified]

Haha it must be, I'm terrible for it, but at least we are polite lol :-) thanks again :-)