Sadist

[janey]

I know I don't often post seriously, but lately something has been really bothering me.

I have a very bad compulsion to look at things that disturb me and for two days straight, all I've been doing is reading about serial killers and sadists. I do take in interest in casually reading and thinking about these things. I'm always so...surprised, I guess (?)...that there's people out there who do this stuff. I was very much caught off guard yesterday when I was particularly searching for sadists and I found a few young females who described absolutely horrific things. It made me nauseated, actually. I'm very used to viewing gore from shock sites and reading about gore...but the fact that this was on a forum and I could contact those people with the click of a button really freaked me out. I've never really felt paranoid about females my age, but I noticed quite a few of them being more sadistic and cruel than some serial killers I read about.

I know I should stop reading this stuff, but it's something I've done since I was a little girl.
As a person, I am extremely caring, care giving, kind, sympathetic and love helping people. I am literally the polar opposite of a sociopath. I think that's why I find all of this stuff so surprising...it's because I can't really fathom doing that to people. I can't believe people do this. I rarely get THIS disturbed, but those young ladies really scared me. I won't even explain what they talked about, but one openly admitted to eating human flesh and was describing how it actually tastes.

One of them had a profile picture, and she looked like your average popular, pretty blonde. Today I went to get some hashbrowns at a fast food place and the cashier was a peppy, pretty blonde. Sadists and sociopaths always come off as super nice to strangers at first...she was extremely nice...

I bought a book yesterday about serial killers by Peter Vronsky. The depictions of serial murder there doesn't quite freak me out as much...I do love reading details. But it's really the fact that those people were caught...and the people on the forum are walking about freely.

I am the perfect target. Small, kind, pretty, white, normal routine, parks in the dark, unarmed, etc. (This will absolutely change--I'm going black!) A sadist would love to torment me.
I'm now very much afraid of being captured and held against my will.

At the end of the book, a captured serial killer listed things to do in order to increase your chances of survival...
I do believe I will buy a .38 and be a licensed carrier. There's more sickos out there than you know...lurking about everywhere.
I feel very paranoid...perhaps I'm not the perfect target now that I'm so paranoid. I've never been THIS paranoid...and yet I continue to read.

I enjoy reading it. I really do. It's like a hobby. But I was seriously caught off guard on that forum.
Do not believe in stereotypes...it could be anyone.

I mean, I would love to talk to a captured sadist serial killer in jail. I hate that there's tons walking around freely.

I bet even some of you reading this are like that.

[Sarah W]

"Sadists and sociopaths always come off as super nice to strangers at first...she was extremely nice..." Yeah, just don't make converse error: don't start being afraid of people just because they're being nice to you (if this is applicable).

Here's what I think: there is almost no chance that a psychopath will pick you up and take you to some dungeon somewhere to be tortured--but to minimize the risk of being victimized in general, from people you're more likely to encounter, like muggers or rapists, try not to have a routine that makes you more vulnerable than you have to be to random acts of violence. And if you do find yourself out in a risky place at a risky time, for the love of God: carry some freaking pepper spray. Have a cell phone out, poised to dial--that people approaching you would be able to see.

Not sure if my advice is welcome, but do what you can to protect yourself per above and try to tear yourself away from websites that would spark that paranoia. I know you said it was a compulsion, so if you can't stop and it continues to interfere with the quality of your life--maybe seek professional advice on how to stop?

That is if I read just the words that you wrote without an overwhelming tone of intrigue that suggests you may be a masochist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it if you are. Might be picking up completely the wrong vibe there and don't mean to insult if so. It's hard to tell people's tone in writing.

(Also, what do you mean you're "going black"?)

[trinidiva]

I'm like that too....I like to try to understand what makes sociopaths the way they are....and I keep reading those cases to educate myself if I was ever in a similar situation. Its not good for my anxiety though so I've had to cut back on reading about those types of things or watchinv those types of shows.