Bad thoughts

[jessy]

Hi not posted for a while , things have taken a turn for the worse for me . My anxiety & depression are so bad & I can not seem to get out of this cycle of deep depression. I cry all day every day , the tears just never end . I've had this on & off for so so many years I am done it , I've had enough . I can't feel any kind of happiness or joy , nothing interests me & I no longer want to do anything . Life is passing me by & each day it's deeper & deeper into misery that just engulfs me .
Of course I hate myself for these feelings as I am a mother & should be able to enjoy my children but I can't , they are better off without me . I just bring everyone down . I have suicidal thoughts but I don't act on them , all though I often find myself thinking about it. I'm very isolated , no friends no one to talk to . I'm on meds , tried loads of diff ones & am now one duloxetine & lorazapam for panic disorder & gad . The depression is getting worse & I feel like a failure & a burden . I am beginning to realise this is never going to go away . God bless everyone xx

[alankay]

Have they ever tried a TCA like clomimpramine? Seems like ssri's/snri's have failed to help enough. ALankay

[Sarah W]

It's okay to have those feelings. It's not a thought crime to be depressed (even though you "shouldn't be"). It's not even wrong to have suicidal ideations. It doesn't make you selfish to think about it or even want to do it. It just makes people want to try to help you (or shame you) if you share those feelings. Don't worry about anyone who would shame you for being depressed. Not that anyone is at this point, you might be doing all the shaming/guilting yourself.

I've been caught crying by other people about once for every hundred times I've actually cried and it feels horrible to be even that vulnerable. It feels like you've pissed your pants. It feels like you're weak. Like everyone else is inherently superior to you. And people will make you feel that way. That you're breaking down just because you're immature. That you want negative attention. That you want people to feel sorry for you, even though they have no idea how much of it you're actually successful in hiding. That you weren't hit enough when you were little or got everything you wanted. Those are unempathetic people who really don't care about you (sometimes even other depressed people who fancy themselves as being more stoic) or people who otherwise can't understand what you're experiencing and you shouldn't talk to yourself they way they would talk to you.

Sometimes, what's worse, is that there are other people who actually do want to help and you have to push them away because it's too much. It's not something that a nice talk can sort out. It's not an easy fix. It would be too draining for another person if you were to be honest about what you're feeling. Surely, they don't know what they're offering.

And you're told to dismiss despairing thoughts like that, "there is no help/no one can help me". But it's really true. What are you supposed to do? Double think? To know that the logistics really can't work but to believe they can anyway because then maybe you would feel better? No, it probably takes time if not a medication.

I think many of us on this forum feel isolated and like we have no one we can talk to, particularly about what we're sharing on this forum. Which is why we're on this forum.

If depression is something that you've always experienced, you may be right in that it's not going to go away. However, I've had bouts of depression ever since I was a child. I spent my last two years of college crying for hours just about everyday--no exaggeration. It's just been this last year and a half, since removing myself from a situation that wasn't healthy for me at the time and starting a ten-month course of sertraline that I've been more emotionally stable (probably still less so than most people, but way better than I was).

Another thing that I've experienced for the last couple of years has been chronic anxiety--and nothing helped that until I tried taking nutritional supplements (the sertraline--I swear to God--made it worse). You may have come across this idea already: that if nothing else is helping, maybe it's a problem with your diet or lifestyle. For nearly a decade, I ate almost nothing but carby foods and washed them down with a pot of coffee everyday. It was totally possible that I could have some vitamin and mineral deficiencies. I started reading The Chemistry of Calm and doing what he tells me to do in there, and my anxiety--which was making me uncomfortable just about every waking moment--actually began to get better. And I was super skeptical, because: self-help books are all written by charlatans or at best, well-meaning people with knowledge that's too general or specific to apply to you as an individual, right? He wrote another book before this one called The Chemistry of Joy. I haven't actually looked at the latter, but I assume that the outline's probably pretty much the same: Let's take care of your body; diet, exercise, supplements; and let's take care of your mind; woo-woo meditationy stuff.

It might not help you at all, but the one for anxiety really helped me and I'd recommend it fully. At least, if you haven't tried it, maybe it could be another thing to add to the list of last-resorts?

The things I've tried that have helped me so much has been
Magnesium Citrate 300-500 mg/day
B vitamin complex, once a day
Two tablespoons of ground flaxseed/day

And I started eating mostly out of the produce section. And getting more walks in. He also recommends you take Calcium, Zinc and D3.

I wish I knew something that could help you, but you're an entirely different person. I just wanted to share in case there was any chance you haven't tried this yet and it could help. You're probably not even in the state of mind to get your hopes up--but consider it, if you haven't already, that you're suffering from a nutritional imbalance. Sometimes what you're experiencing is so awful that you feel it ought to be dignified by there being something more wrong--but sometimes it can be something simple. My parents told me to take a multi-vitamin for years and I was like "pishaw, I eat food, I have no need for vitamins" (you don't if you eat right). At worst, you can probably feel a bit better.

(Of course, I'm saying this not knowing whether you're already a very healthy eater. I think most people probably aren't though.)

Good vibes.

[jessy]

I did try clomipramine for a short time but I couldn't function on it at all :(

[jessy]

Thanks for the reply sarahw

My diet isn't great so I prob am lacking in some nutrients & vitimins . I can relate to everything you have written , it makes a lot of sense & mostly that is now I feel . It's impossible for others to understand & I am made to feel that I should be better by now , helping myself , being positive, fighting it!! Cheer up & think good thoughts !! For god sake these people can't possibly know how hard each second of each day is . Do they truly believe I want to feel & live like this !!
I'm feeling very alone & very helpless & lost , it seems never ending & I'm tired of it now , it's sapped everything out of me. X

[Sarah W]

I'm glad that I was able to relate to you. Please try what I suggested. It could make all the difference and it can't hurt.

:)