Cricket
10-31-2013, 07:55 AM
Hi guys, I'm new to this forum so first of all, I would like to appreciate whoever created it, good job!
Second point, why I'm here. I've been always a nervous kid, I don't think that I've ever been like the other kids, they all seem so happy about their lives and with no worries, I on the other hand am always worried about something, I'm never fully relaxed :( Now this is something that I've always somehow managed to hide from people, people notice I'm somewhat shy and not that much talkative but I always try to have a smile on my face when I speak to others so I think that no one really knows how I feel on the inside, I've always done my best to seem a happy person, which I probably had all reasons to be if it wasn't for my "head problems" or however you call it. I'm 18 years old and I've been always successful at school until recently, what I mean is, I'm not a genius, I'm far from being the best student but at least I never lost a year up to now. Last year 95% of my classmates managed to finish school and go to college but I didn't, I didn't manage pass all disciplines and was left behind, realizing that I probably couldn't end my course on my current area I decided to change to a easier one that I like more (something that I should have done 3 years ago and not now). Now I'm on a class which classmates are in average 2-3 years younger than me, so while I saw most of my old classmates and friends go to college and become someone I went all way back :( This really depressed me and I've been like this for around 4 months now, my initial thoughts were, I'm a loser, most of my friends managed to pursuit a higher education and I failed at it, how many more years will it take me to finish school and head to college? How many more years will I lose? Could be 1 if I try hard but if I fail I can spend 2 or 3, who knows? By then my old friends already left college... Being in this state of depression I didn't manage to be on my best mood when school started again, I felt that that wasn't the right place for me, you know with younger classmates and all that so I failed to make new friends, and I feel pretty alone now. My old classmates made new friends at college and I was left with only 2 people that I can still call friends (both also failed to end school last year), thing is that even those 2 friends can't be considered best friends, they are people who I like, who I feel that are good people, people who I enjoy to spend time with but our relation isn't that intense, not to mention that I don't see them that much nowadays. I still speak with my old classmates from time to time but it isn't the same thing, I don't seem them on daily basis and as I already said they made new friends so they don't really care about me much of lately.
I never had many friends, I'm shy, not the most shy person on the world but it's hard for me to gain confidence with people, usually I need them to give the first step.
Now I already wrote a lot and I didn't even reach the main point. As I already said I was always somewhat nervous and shy and never had many friends, last year was the happiest year of my life, I had friends and had always someone to speak to. This year is a completely different story, I barely have any people to talk to, being left mostly with my family, and here is where comes the biggest problem. 5 years ago I lost one of my grandmothers, being left with only two grandparents from the same side, the side of my mother, it was in them that I sought refuge to make up for my other grandmother loss. I always liked my grandparents but since that loss I've given them a lot more a value than I used to, problem now is that they both already turned 80 and I'm beginning to get worried that I might lose them son, they are doing "fine" they both have "fragile health", my grandmother mainly, she looks so "weak" in her slim body not to mention that she has bone problems, a single fall might mean her end, my grandfather on the other hand seems to be fine being his only problem that he has alzheimer or some disease of sorts, so he needs my grandmother to look after him at all moments, you might be asking where's the problem? Everyone has grandparents and we all lose them someday :( Well thing is, as I already said when my other grandmother died and sought refuge in my other grandparents and now I begin to wonder that when they die it's on my parents that I'll have to seek refuge. This brought me to the great problem, on who will I seek refuge when my parents die? As I already said I'm shy and barely have any true friends, my parents mean everything to me, they gave me everything I have, they made me who I am. When they die I imagine my world collapsing. I have 18 years and unlike all other boys of my age I never had a girlfriend, so I'm seriously afraid of not being able to form a family and be all alone when my parents leave me. I mean, I have more family, a 10 year older brother and a cousin (as well as her parents, my uncles), that's pretty much my family, I have more but we don't maintain contact, the only people that I really LOVE are my parents and my grandparents, obviously I like my brother (who's my half brother from the side of our dad), my cousin and my parents but I'm not as close to them. :( Two days ago I began to wonder what will be of me when my parents die, they are the reason of my life, the only thing that kept me alive during all these years that I pretended to be happy was the fact that I knew that I have two great parents at home waiting for me, what when they are no longer there? When my parents parents died/or will die they have other persons to relay on, they have each other, me and my brother, but what about me? As I already said I'm shy and never had a girlfriend, I really am shy with girls, I can build a friendship of trust with other boys but not with girls, I like girls and I act nicely to them but I'm not that cool/cute guy that they seek, not that I'm not, but I don't know how to transmit it, I always seem to act so serious, I can laugh and say a joke or two but not much past that, I don't know how to make a girl like me. So as you can see I'm really afraid that I might not have other family to relay on when my parents die. When I was born my parents were already older than usual, my father is 40 years older than me and my mother 36, I've done my math and if they live an average life they might die in 25-30 years, by then I'll be on my 40s, unlike most people I know that lose their parents when they are already on their 60s or close to that. I know that 25-30 years seem a good amount of time but as I stated on the begin I'm really nervous person and I begin to wonder the future on my head and that makes me cry really hard. I had my sad moments during these 18 years but nothing ever made me feel so bad as this is. I always knew that I would lose my parents sooner or latter but I managed to keep my thoughts away from that and live my life, but now I can't, I simply can't, this doesn't leave my head and I'm suffering a lot with it, I keep crying, right now I have 4 kleenex in front of my, it's becoming hard to hide how I feel from my parents, my mother doesn't work so she stays most of the day at home, as do I, so she already noticed that something is wrong but I told her that it was just me being stupid and that she shouldn't worry about it, as for the Kleenex she thinks that keep blowing my nose, which I do but it's because of the sadness and the tears, not because I'm sick (at least not that way). As I already said my parents mean everything to me, mainly my mother (I like both same way but a mother is always a mother, mainly on my case). As I already said my mother doesn't have a job, she doesn't for a very long time, I also spend a lot of time at home, like 90% of my time, only thing I do nowadays is go to school and stuff related to it, go see my grandparents and do some shopping when needed be, mostly. That means that in my entire life, probably 80% of the time I was with my mother, she is a constant in my life and the only person that I feel that I can open my self with. When she dies my world dies :'( Even if I manage to find my self a wife and have some children they will never replace my mother, she means everything to me. Look at her and think, "one day she won't be here for me", that kills me. I keep on thinking, my parents are what keep me alive, if they die, what other reasons do I have to live, although I understand and respect those that commit suicide I always tried to distance my self from them, this is life, I'm here for some reason, I like to believe that there is a god and that all this has a reason to be, that someday when I die I'll go to heaven and spend eternity with those I love. But that's when I'm optimistic, then I begin to wonder "what if there is no heaven, what if we just die?..." that creeps me. If I lose my parents and have no other reason to live I might just as well kill my self (although then I raise the question, "what if there is a god? What if he doesn't approve my action and denies me access to heaven?" Seriously people, if you read it all this long, THANK YOU THAT MEANS A LOT.
CONTINUES ON THE NEXT POST
Second point, why I'm here. I've been always a nervous kid, I don't think that I've ever been like the other kids, they all seem so happy about their lives and with no worries, I on the other hand am always worried about something, I'm never fully relaxed :( Now this is something that I've always somehow managed to hide from people, people notice I'm somewhat shy and not that much talkative but I always try to have a smile on my face when I speak to others so I think that no one really knows how I feel on the inside, I've always done my best to seem a happy person, which I probably had all reasons to be if it wasn't for my "head problems" or however you call it. I'm 18 years old and I've been always successful at school until recently, what I mean is, I'm not a genius, I'm far from being the best student but at least I never lost a year up to now. Last year 95% of my classmates managed to finish school and go to college but I didn't, I didn't manage pass all disciplines and was left behind, realizing that I probably couldn't end my course on my current area I decided to change to a easier one that I like more (something that I should have done 3 years ago and not now). Now I'm on a class which classmates are in average 2-3 years younger than me, so while I saw most of my old classmates and friends go to college and become someone I went all way back :( This really depressed me and I've been like this for around 4 months now, my initial thoughts were, I'm a loser, most of my friends managed to pursuit a higher education and I failed at it, how many more years will it take me to finish school and head to college? How many more years will I lose? Could be 1 if I try hard but if I fail I can spend 2 or 3, who knows? By then my old friends already left college... Being in this state of depression I didn't manage to be on my best mood when school started again, I felt that that wasn't the right place for me, you know with younger classmates and all that so I failed to make new friends, and I feel pretty alone now. My old classmates made new friends at college and I was left with only 2 people that I can still call friends (both also failed to end school last year), thing is that even those 2 friends can't be considered best friends, they are people who I like, who I feel that are good people, people who I enjoy to spend time with but our relation isn't that intense, not to mention that I don't see them that much nowadays. I still speak with my old classmates from time to time but it isn't the same thing, I don't seem them on daily basis and as I already said they made new friends so they don't really care about me much of lately.
I never had many friends, I'm shy, not the most shy person on the world but it's hard for me to gain confidence with people, usually I need them to give the first step.
Now I already wrote a lot and I didn't even reach the main point. As I already said I was always somewhat nervous and shy and never had many friends, last year was the happiest year of my life, I had friends and had always someone to speak to. This year is a completely different story, I barely have any people to talk to, being left mostly with my family, and here is where comes the biggest problem. 5 years ago I lost one of my grandmothers, being left with only two grandparents from the same side, the side of my mother, it was in them that I sought refuge to make up for my other grandmother loss. I always liked my grandparents but since that loss I've given them a lot more a value than I used to, problem now is that they both already turned 80 and I'm beginning to get worried that I might lose them son, they are doing "fine" they both have "fragile health", my grandmother mainly, she looks so "weak" in her slim body not to mention that she has bone problems, a single fall might mean her end, my grandfather on the other hand seems to be fine being his only problem that he has alzheimer or some disease of sorts, so he needs my grandmother to look after him at all moments, you might be asking where's the problem? Everyone has grandparents and we all lose them someday :( Well thing is, as I already said when my other grandmother died and sought refuge in my other grandparents and now I begin to wonder that when they die it's on my parents that I'll have to seek refuge. This brought me to the great problem, on who will I seek refuge when my parents die? As I already said I'm shy and barely have any true friends, my parents mean everything to me, they gave me everything I have, they made me who I am. When they die I imagine my world collapsing. I have 18 years and unlike all other boys of my age I never had a girlfriend, so I'm seriously afraid of not being able to form a family and be all alone when my parents leave me. I mean, I have more family, a 10 year older brother and a cousin (as well as her parents, my uncles), that's pretty much my family, I have more but we don't maintain contact, the only people that I really LOVE are my parents and my grandparents, obviously I like my brother (who's my half brother from the side of our dad), my cousin and my parents but I'm not as close to them. :( Two days ago I began to wonder what will be of me when my parents die, they are the reason of my life, the only thing that kept me alive during all these years that I pretended to be happy was the fact that I knew that I have two great parents at home waiting for me, what when they are no longer there? When my parents parents died/or will die they have other persons to relay on, they have each other, me and my brother, but what about me? As I already said I'm shy and never had a girlfriend, I really am shy with girls, I can build a friendship of trust with other boys but not with girls, I like girls and I act nicely to them but I'm not that cool/cute guy that they seek, not that I'm not, but I don't know how to transmit it, I always seem to act so serious, I can laugh and say a joke or two but not much past that, I don't know how to make a girl like me. So as you can see I'm really afraid that I might not have other family to relay on when my parents die. When I was born my parents were already older than usual, my father is 40 years older than me and my mother 36, I've done my math and if they live an average life they might die in 25-30 years, by then I'll be on my 40s, unlike most people I know that lose their parents when they are already on their 60s or close to that. I know that 25-30 years seem a good amount of time but as I stated on the begin I'm really nervous person and I begin to wonder the future on my head and that makes me cry really hard. I had my sad moments during these 18 years but nothing ever made me feel so bad as this is. I always knew that I would lose my parents sooner or latter but I managed to keep my thoughts away from that and live my life, but now I can't, I simply can't, this doesn't leave my head and I'm suffering a lot with it, I keep crying, right now I have 4 kleenex in front of my, it's becoming hard to hide how I feel from my parents, my mother doesn't work so she stays most of the day at home, as do I, so she already noticed that something is wrong but I told her that it was just me being stupid and that she shouldn't worry about it, as for the Kleenex she thinks that keep blowing my nose, which I do but it's because of the sadness and the tears, not because I'm sick (at least not that way). As I already said my parents mean everything to me, mainly my mother (I like both same way but a mother is always a mother, mainly on my case). As I already said my mother doesn't have a job, she doesn't for a very long time, I also spend a lot of time at home, like 90% of my time, only thing I do nowadays is go to school and stuff related to it, go see my grandparents and do some shopping when needed be, mostly. That means that in my entire life, probably 80% of the time I was with my mother, she is a constant in my life and the only person that I feel that I can open my self with. When she dies my world dies :'( Even if I manage to find my self a wife and have some children they will never replace my mother, she means everything to me. Look at her and think, "one day she won't be here for me", that kills me. I keep on thinking, my parents are what keep me alive, if they die, what other reasons do I have to live, although I understand and respect those that commit suicide I always tried to distance my self from them, this is life, I'm here for some reason, I like to believe that there is a god and that all this has a reason to be, that someday when I die I'll go to heaven and spend eternity with those I love. But that's when I'm optimistic, then I begin to wonder "what if there is no heaven, what if we just die?..." that creeps me. If I lose my parents and have no other reason to live I might just as well kill my self (although then I raise the question, "what if there is a god? What if he doesn't approve my action and denies me access to heaven?" Seriously people, if you read it all this long, THANK YOU THAT MEANS A LOT.
CONTINUES ON THE NEXT POST