I am in a quandry

[deeter4]

Hello,

I am new to the forum and I am happy to be able to be able to write about my situation. I am a divorced mother of two girls whom I love dearly. I have since re-married. Before I married this man, he seemed to be so kind and generous to me and my girls( ages 11 and 6). He is doesnt smoke, drink, or do drugs. He is a very very smart man. He has a phd. He played a huge role in their lives until my oldest child started acting out. She has adhd. She is on meds. I follow through on all of her dr.apts. I bring her to counceling. She was constantaly misbahaving in the home and he kicked her out of the house. So, me, trying to work things out, moved into an apt. It being my second marriage, I am trying to work it out. I take my daughter to counceling . My children are with their dad one wk and with me one wk. On the week that I am not with the girls, I stay with my husband.
I am beating myself up a lot already for marrying this man and not seeing all of the red flags. I am seeing a councelor along with my daughter. The goal is to get this all worked out so that we can all live in the house again. Have a fresh start. But, my vision be askew at the moment trying to please everyone, another one of my shortcomings that I am working, I am not sure how a man can say he loves me and truly loves me and sees how much I am hurting. How hard I am trying. I think I know that it wont work, but I cant face it. I need support somehow, my father is elderly and my mother and sister are deceased. I really dont have anyone to turn to, so I need to be strong. I am turning to God, and I am praying. But I am also very scared, and feeling like I need some constructive advice. I appreciate honesty, but I am in a frail state at the moment, and if the honesty could not be brutal It would help me greatly. Thank you all for all who took the time to read this.

[workingtheday]

Hello. Welcome. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds very difficult. I'll try to be brief in my response. Just pointing out a few things that you yourself said, you "are beating yourself up for not seeing all the red flags". Red flags such as what? I'm assuming here, because you didn't specify, so excuse me if im wrong, but do you mean before you got married you noticed things that may have lead you to believe maybe you shouldn't have?

You also mention how you are going to counseling with your daughter. Well what about you and your current husband going to counseling? Not just you, or you and your daughter. If he truly loves you wouldn't this be something he would consider. And if its not, what does that say to you? I would also assume a big part of this is something you mentioned. You feel very alone in all of this, maybe even in life to a certain degree. You have been divorced once already. You have lost your mother and sister (so sorry to hear) and your father is getting on in years. There is probably a part of you that is blinded by not wanting to potentially be "alone" again, divorced from this husband, beyond the love you have for him I mean. Is that correct at all?

I know what its like to feel alone in the world. I am feeling that way myself right now. The most difficult part about it is that when it comes down to it, you can receive words of encouragement, whether here or from friends, co-workers, etc, but only YOU will know what the right thing to do is and when to do it. The rest of us aren't in your shoes. I can give some quick reply with my gut feeling and say "oh just leave him", but that wouldn't be fair. There is so much more to relationships than that. Even if the outcome ends up being that, there is still a process. It seems as though you are making great strides for everyone involved, as you yourself pointed out. Finding another apartment to live in part time so your daughter wouldn't be out on the street. Staying with your husband when shes with her father a week at a time. But I hope you realize for a healthy life and mind you cant comtinue to live that way, and I believe you do or you wouldn't be here.

I don't have one solid answer for you other than if I were you based on what you have described, I would push my current husband more to be involved in trying to fix the problem to make your family whole again as you seem to be trying to do. Whether that's him attending counseling also, or on his own. Dealing with his own issues. Accepting your daughters ADHD and being more understanding. If he's not willing, I would feel "how can I stay with this man".

I know I probably didn't help all that much, but wanted to respond and not make you feel like your alone out there. Your not. Feel free to private message me if you would like anytime. Wishing you the best!

Jay