Wish I could disappear..

[Kellie]

I just want to give up, because giving up seems like the easy option. Knowing that I can do it at anytime scares me, but I know that no matter how much I want too, i just can't. The hardest thing about all of this is the pain of feeling so alone even when there are people all around you, that emptiness. You don't want to tell anybody else because you get anxious when you depend on others and it makes you feel worse, not only all of that but having to deal with the fact you can't see any way out because that guilt just eats you up inside.. I hate the thoughts I have, the ones where you plan something just so people might have some idea of what you are going through. Then when it doesn't work out you feel this major weight on your shoulder called regret.. The mood swings, hurting people around you, hurting yourself, fear of being alive, the pain, the thoughts so dark that the heart hurts. The times when music can't fix that feeling, all you want is for the brain to shut the hell up because who deserves this? And the worst thing is there is nothing I can do about it.. The fear of not knowing, not knowing what is going to happen next, all the new things coming into your life, the pressure from everybody, everyone expects something. The fear of letting go of something that damn near completes you, fighting yourself constantly and squeezing out every damn little tear drop. The voices telling you that you should give up, then not, then to give up. Telling you that you are pathetic and so so weak because that is exactly what I am. I am 17 years old and nothing to show for it. I am tired of competing. Tired, so tired of this earth we live on, so tired of my brain. I just want it to all disappear! Just leave me alone but not be lonely.. I don't want to suffer any longer.. But I don't want to be scared of not suffering anymore. But how?

[becki]

Can you talk to your parents or a relative? If my child had worries I would wanna share the burden with them.

[Kellie]

I would but nobody in my family gets it. My family is just awkward and makes me mad even though it isn't her fault.

[DarkSoul]

I just want to give up, because giving up seems like the easy option. Knowing that I can do it at anytime scares me, but I know that no matter how much I want too, i just can't. The hardest thing about all of this is the pain of feeling so alone even when there are people all around you, that emptiness. You don't want to tell anybody else because you get anxious when you depend on others and it makes you feel worse, not only all of that but having to deal with the fact you can't see any way out because that guilt just eats you up inside.. I hate the thoughts I have, the ones where you plan something just so people might have some idea of what you are going through. Then when it doesn't work out you feel this major weight on your shoulder called regret.. The mood swings, hurting people around you, hurting yourself, fear of being alive, the pain, the thoughts so dark that the heart hurts. The times when music can't fix that feeling, all you want is for the brain to shut the hell up because who deserves this? And the worst thing is there is nothing I can do about it.. The fear of not knowing, not knowing what is going to happen next, all the new things coming into your life, the pressure from everybody, everyone expects something. The fear of letting go of something that damn near completes you, fighting yourself constantly and squeezing out every damn little tear drop. The voices telling you that you should give up, then not, then to give up. Telling you that you are pathetic and so so weak because that is exactly what I am. I am 17 years old and nothing to show for it. I am tired of competing. Tired, so tired of this earth we live on, so tired of my brain. I just want it to all disappear! Just leave me alone but not be lonely.. I don't want to suffer any longer.. But I don't want to be scared of not suffering anymore. But how?


Hi Kellie. Parts of your post I can completely relate to and if it helps, you are not alone in what you are feeling. I was really curious about what you meant in the highlighted part of your post. You mention that you have nothing to show at being 17. All I can say is that 17 is very, very young. What has anyone achieved by that age? Completion of school and/or entrance to college. I don't know you at all, so I don't know your home or schooling status. I am curious what you wish you had achieved by your age? And don't forget, if you didn't achieve something you wanted to, you have still plenty of time. When I was in university, I saw an elderly couple studying together for a nursing degree. You're very young, you're articulate and you appear bright to me. I believe that you can achieve what you put your mind to if you are determined.

[HazyBlue]

Hi Hun makes me really sad to read your post. But be strong and please don't give up. You're still so young. I'm 24 so I'm a little bit older than u but if u need to talk pls don't hesitate

[Kellie]

I am letting go of a person that made me who I am today which is my father. I know it sounds so stupid that I am 17 and that I haven't done anything but you are right, that is young but also I have had to repeat school years, had no job, no license and haven't done anything that I can be proud of. Yes there is so much more time but I am tired of getting compared to everybody else my age. I appreciate every single bit of feedback, it is so helpful and I thank you! I just wish it wasn't like this..

[kelseyt]

Hey Kellie I'm 20 so I'm young like you, I also have anxiety and did have depression for 2 years. My depression came from the fact that after I left school I had no idea what to do with my life and all my friends went to college, so I was left behind and was constantly being pressured to find something to do with my life and was left behind.

Also a few other things but that was one of the main reasons. But let me tell you know you so can beat this. One thing I read that struck me is that you keep saying that there is nothing you can do about this. When there really is but due to the fact to the fact you haven't spoke to anyone about it I think you don't really know the kinds of help you can get and it is possible to beat this.

You have to stop letting this take hold of you, it is just your mind and only you have the power to stop it. Just think that if it's your brain making the anxiety and these thoughts, imagine what it can do to stop it. And please do not do anything harmful to yourself, you are just 17 and you have so much time ahead of you to turn this all around.

Take it from me I'm now out of my depression and heading towards beating my anxiety. I used to think there was no way out when I had that depression but I was so wrong and I'm glad I'm still here today.

One thing I would suggest is making an appointment with your GP if your family doesn't understand. They can give you help and refer you for CBT to give you techniques to stop the anxiety.

What I did was I wrote a list of everything I was thinking and feeling and handed it to my doctor. This got what I needed to say out and I was too embarrassed to actually say it out loud.

But please don't suffer alone, if you need to talk to someone that understands and is young like you feel free to just message me. :)

[DarkSoul]

I am letting go of a person that made me who I am today which is my father. I know it sounds so stupid that I am 17 and that I haven't done anything but you are right, that is young but also I have had to repeat school years, had no job, no license and haven't done anything that I can be proud of. Yes there is so much more time but I am tired of getting compared to everybody else my age. I appreciate every single bit of feedback, it is so helpful and I thank you! I just wish it wasn't like this..


Glad you appreciate the feedback. If it helps, I repeated school twice, the second year after kindergarten and a year in high school. I ended up going to university later in life and I was told by a curriculum adviser that my old grades would not cut it for what I wanted to study for. Well, I won! As I said, don't be harsh on yourself. You're so young and plenty of time to get a job or degree, a license etc. And yes, it sucks getting compared to others of your age. All I can do is encourage you to forge ahead. Before you know it, you'll get back again in the game of life.

I am sorry to hear about your father and I can relate to family circumstances. If you feel like sharing a little about your father, please do if it helps you unload.

[Kellie]

Thank you so much. I go to a psychologist and it helps sometimes and I know I can beat this but I am starting to wonder if I actually have depression?
My psychologist just concentrates on certain things and it frustrates me.
What I wrote before was me just letting out what I felt, those are the times I get into some really dark places. And I feel like there is no way out then and there. I know that in the long run I will be okay.
I just have so much going on and so much to think about that it all just gets all messed up in my silly brain and I don't know how to untangle it all yet.
I appreciate every single one of you, helping me and I do take in everything you say. I will beat this because I know i can! Just takes some goddamn time.

[HazyBlue]

Glad you're okay, just to let you know your feedback on my thread really made me feel loads better and not so silly and scared to talk about things on here. You sound like a lovely girl & somehow I hope we can all conquer our anxiety and other problems.

[meichmann]

You have a very long life in front of you to accomplish whatever you set out to do. Don't worry if you feel you haven't accomplished anything, but in all honesty you have. You have or will complete school. That is a HUGE accomplishment. You also recognized that something just wasn't right, so you are going to someone to talk to them. That in itself is huge as well.

Don't worry about what other people think or say. If they don't like you for who you are then it's on them. Don't try to make everyone happy, as that an add a boat load of stress. It's impossible to make everyone happy all the time. Most importantly, be yourself, and, if you need to vent or talk, you have all of us to talk to.

Don't try to accomplish everything all at once. Enjoy the age you are at, because it only comes around once.

[Kellie]

Glad you're okay, just to let you know your feedback on my thread really made me feel loads better and not so silly and scared to talk about things on here. You sound like a lovely girl & somehow I hope we can all conquer our anxiety and other problems.

Well I am glad! Thats what I love about this, is that you are never alone on here. Thank you for your feedback too and yes, we can do this (: