jdawgzy
01-01-2008, 08:33 PM
Age of 15. I have been suffering from anxiety for around 3-4years. This past summer to current, has been the worst for me. I'm able to admit, i've had every anxiety disorder i know. I'm currently taking Zoloft and a dose of Iron everyday, to keep me from being so "restless". I used to be on Paxil, which i believe has done better for me. My situation is tough for me, almost to tough. My mother has been through the same troubles as me, but doesn't bother to help. She refuses to go to the doctor with me, most times and the only assurance she gives me is "I'll be okay". My mother isn't one you see on the TV shows or movies. She never cooks for me, she never takes me anywhere, or tells me where she goes. I usually wake up, without any company. I haven't been to school for about 4months. My father is always on my case about my school work and it seems that's all he cares about. He owns his own business and is either working or sleeping. I have tried therapy treatment, but it just doesn't work for me. I was skeptical at first about even taking pills, but i really don't have a choice. I have no friends around me anymore. I live in a small town, with only a few kids that i used to socialize with and they all have gotten into drugs. Which, i refuse to deal with. I spend most of my time on the internet, playing games. I have met a couple of great guys that i have been playing with for over a year. They give me something to look forward to each day. My father sometime takes the router(Internet) away, and makes me concentrate on my school work. I am very behind in school and fear i will have to take my sophomore year over again. I've had some severe agoraphobia at school, this is 15min from my home, or any other home related to mine. I've considered going to another school about 5min closer, but i figure, moving to a new school, will cause a abundance of social anxiety.
In less than a week my family is planning a trip to Florida, i'm from Pennsylvania, for a week's vacation. I am not at all excited about this trip. I would much rather stay home, where i feel i'm safe. I'm afraid to go on a plane, not because of a crash or death, but just because if i get a panic attack, there is no where to run. I can't have a pilot land the plane right then, and get out "shake it off" and continue. I would just have to suffer. Not only the plane ride, but being in Florida, is a long way from my home. I have no where else to go, even though my aunt lives less than a mile from me. My parents we're away for two weeks in the summer, and i would suffer through the nights at my aunt's house, where i would feel unbearably cold, just because of my anxiety. I'm considered rather mature for my age, but inside i feel like a baby without a mother at this time. Suicide has been caught up in my mind, many times. I'll lay in bed sometimes crying, thinking about suicide and all the people i would leave behind. Not to redeem my manhood, but i don't cry often, but i can't help not to during this. I feel lost as ever, don't have any idea where life is going to take me. I'm a believer in Christ, but i still have my doubts. I don't believe i know enough, to look forward to the afterlife. I have thought of dropping out of school, but i know i can't because of the way this "America" works; my best chance, i'd end up with nothing. My cousin is the one person in my life, that makes my anxiety disappear. We are best friends and live 3hours apart, where he only visits on holidays. He has also been through anxiety, so he can always help me out. His mother and father are seperated, live about 30min apart from one another. He only visits his dad(my mother's brother) on weekends. I have really thought into moving with him. I can't imagine leaving my home, where i have been raised and raised my dog, which is one of my blessings. I don't believe my parents would go through with it either, nor would his parents. If anyone has any thoughts, questions, or related stories of their own; please do share. Thanks for listening.
In less than a week my family is planning a trip to Florida, i'm from Pennsylvania, for a week's vacation. I am not at all excited about this trip. I would much rather stay home, where i feel i'm safe. I'm afraid to go on a plane, not because of a crash or death, but just because if i get a panic attack, there is no where to run. I can't have a pilot land the plane right then, and get out "shake it off" and continue. I would just have to suffer. Not only the plane ride, but being in Florida, is a long way from my home. I have no where else to go, even though my aunt lives less than a mile from me. My parents we're away for two weeks in the summer, and i would suffer through the nights at my aunt's house, where i would feel unbearably cold, just because of my anxiety. I'm considered rather mature for my age, but inside i feel like a baby without a mother at this time. Suicide has been caught up in my mind, many times. I'll lay in bed sometimes crying, thinking about suicide and all the people i would leave behind. Not to redeem my manhood, but i don't cry often, but i can't help not to during this. I feel lost as ever, don't have any idea where life is going to take me. I'm a believer in Christ, but i still have my doubts. I don't believe i know enough, to look forward to the afterlife. I have thought of dropping out of school, but i know i can't because of the way this "America" works; my best chance, i'd end up with nothing. My cousin is the one person in my life, that makes my anxiety disappear. We are best friends and live 3hours apart, where he only visits on holidays. He has also been through anxiety, so he can always help me out. His mother and father are seperated, live about 30min apart from one another. He only visits his dad(my mother's brother) on weekends. I have really thought into moving with him. I can't imagine leaving my home, where i have been raised and raised my dog, which is one of my blessings. I don't believe my parents would go through with it either, nor would his parents. If anyone has any thoughts, questions, or related stories of their own; please do share. Thanks for listening.