Feeling guilty

[Green thumb]

Anyhow this is my first post and i figured i need to start talking if i want to overcome this(lol). Been dealing will my Bipolar/EXTREME anxiety for years and i have taken/take a wide assortment of drugs(prescribed). So onto why i feel guilty.. My younger brother is in college/fraternity(complete opposite of me) and i typically muster up the strength to seem him with my family but today i cant even go outside and it has been a month since i have seen him(we talk on the phone a lot). My mom sister and grandma have left and here i am crippled by my own mental prison to the point i cant even leave my house today. Its just i cant bear to even think about having to eat in a crowded cafeteria in this state. I KNOW without a doubt as soon as we get there i will not even be able to look up then ever laugh or slight glance will start the wheels turning thinking people are looking and laughing at me. This i know is a complete delusion conjured by my primitive brain but in the moment it is like a self induced psychic attack. And so i feel guilt especially when i know my brother wants me to come, i just hate letting my family down... All my firends have had it with me a LONGGGGG time ago. They all pretty much stopped calling and asking to do anything because they always the answer was the same... I fear the day when my family stops calling and all i am left with is my mind. Even if no one reads this it just feels good to take my thoughts and throw them out somewhere.

[Angie 91]

Hi
I don't think you should feel guilty about having these problems, but I hope that you can be braver with time and confront some of these problems that troubles you so much. just one tiny step at the time. Already writing this I think you have achieved a great thing.

Best,
Angie

[tailspin]

Hi Green thumb. Welcome! I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I can definitely relate to the guilt. I also avoid certain things that I know would mean a lot to my family if I was able to do them and I feel horrible about that. But, as Angie says, we can't really help having these problems and there is actually no point feeling guilty. Because the guilt doesn't change anything. It just keeps us feeling really down on ourselves, which makes us even less likely to be able to change. What we need instead is to create situations where we feel somewhat empowered. Setting small goals can be a way to achieve this.

Have you ever worked with a therapist? It might be an idea to try and work with a professional on ways to slowly build up to doing the things that really freak you out. Honestly, I know how hard this is!!! But avoidance only makes things worse! I have experienced this first hand and I really regret that I started avoiding doing certain things that caused me distress - for example, flying - because now it's 1,000 times harder to contemplate doing them again. Obviously doing something that causes distress also sucks. But, it's better than spiraling downwards into a cycle of avoidance.

Ideally, we need to find a way to tolerate the things that freak us out, and I do think that therapy can help with that. We have to learn to be able to handle physical and emotional discomfort again because I honestly believe that is the only way to make progress. It is really difficult. But, if you think about it, staying home and avoiding things and feeling really guilty about that and down on ourselves is also a very difficult way to live. A good therapist (and the right medication) can help. But ultimately, it is down to us. We have to be willing to tolerate a certain amount of distress. I wish there was another way!!!!! But I just don't think there is (and I need to take this advice myself).

I think it's great you talk to your brother on the phone a lot. And I'm sure you've explained to him how you feel and that he tries to understand (though people with no personal experience of the mental prison of anxiety - great terms for it! - can never fully understand what it feels like). But I really hope therapy might be an option for you.

At any rate, it's great you've joined this site and I know you'll find lots of support here!

[alankay]

Guilt is often part of depression.
Keep working with your pdoc and change if you're getting no where. Alankay