Jeordie
12-31-2007, 05:56 PM
Hello everybody,
I have survived a very bad breakdown lately. Since I thought my main stressor was my father's illness, whom I was living with, I now live in another house. For the first days after the breakdown it was basically impossible for me to stay at my parent's home for more than ten minutes as just thinking of it would fill me with panic and severe anguish. As I moved out I focused on relaxing as thinking was quite difficult. Thoughts were racing and emotions coming way too quickly and strongly, I didn't think I could control myself. It never happened to me at this intensity. I was truly afraid of going mad.
I am now writing from my parent's home, though. I came here for new years eve - and yeah, I have a certain anxiety, but I was worse yesterday night in my "new house".
I am beginning to think it's more about the attitude than the place.
I don't think I should come back here to experiment and see how it goes - I would do everything not to feel like that again. I am still recovering and had a very bad time all this month. What scares me the most are certain symtoms. When I'm very anxious, I'm keen to panic and feel faint. I know this is anxiety. But I also can't control my thoughts, and I have flashes of "being watched" by people who aren't there or even objects. For example, it happens that I watch an image of a person on the internet and feel watched by it. You bet that scared me like hell and thought I was going mad. I obviously know the image is not watching me, but instinctively I feel an intense fear of being watched. Then I realize how crazy that is, and I have fear I'm going mad.
This lasted a few days though, and haven't had this specific thing today. I walked in the streets quite calmly, not worrying about being watched, and had some work done at my workplace. So, I can function - but it's very hard, as if I think about myself, I get depressed and anxious again. I need to keep myself busy - as soon as I'm not, I'm keen to be depressed.
I've said that to my psychologist and she sais my brain is just very tired. I didn't get enough reassurance I am not going crazy, though. I want to recover, and I don't want to go crazy.
Emotionally, this breakdown has all been about anger. The day I exploded and had to run away from my house, my dad did something that made me feel EXASPERATE. I realized I was thinking in an extremely black-and-white fashion by wich if I didn't get out there I would die. I called several friends of mine and when somebody would tell me "you should not leave home" I would feel the most amazing exasperation and wouldn't even have the strength to scream. What I wanted them to realize is that I needed help. As I felt they didn't understand, that made me crazy as I was sure I wouldn't make it just by myself. I was too angry and exasperate even to be angry and exasperate...I wouldn't know how to better explain. Probably some defense mechanism or something.
I'm not sure somebody here can relate. In any case, I am doing better than a month ago, I have luckily found occupation, and can get my mind distracted. I am going through extreme up-and-downs, and this sounds like recovery, what do you think? I can even stay at my parent's home slightly anxious, having flashes of confidence I can make it and come back to live here if I wanted - obviously, changing my thinking patterns. My greatest fear is that having not recovered fully, I would get back to the beginning in a short time. This is a very negative way to think though. I guess it's up to how I decide to think.
When I'm somehow serene, I know I can live here and keep going with my life. When I get panicky, it's like the whole world collapses and there just isn't any hope.
I'd love to hear what you think - trying not to scare me more than I've already been. Hopefully I'll become a better person out of this (my last years have been terribly neurotic and in constant anxiety, this is just the natural response of all that) and help others overcome similar obstacles.
Happy new year, by the way.
I have survived a very bad breakdown lately. Since I thought my main stressor was my father's illness, whom I was living with, I now live in another house. For the first days after the breakdown it was basically impossible for me to stay at my parent's home for more than ten minutes as just thinking of it would fill me with panic and severe anguish. As I moved out I focused on relaxing as thinking was quite difficult. Thoughts were racing and emotions coming way too quickly and strongly, I didn't think I could control myself. It never happened to me at this intensity. I was truly afraid of going mad.
I am now writing from my parent's home, though. I came here for new years eve - and yeah, I have a certain anxiety, but I was worse yesterday night in my "new house".
I am beginning to think it's more about the attitude than the place.
I don't think I should come back here to experiment and see how it goes - I would do everything not to feel like that again. I am still recovering and had a very bad time all this month. What scares me the most are certain symtoms. When I'm very anxious, I'm keen to panic and feel faint. I know this is anxiety. But I also can't control my thoughts, and I have flashes of "being watched" by people who aren't there or even objects. For example, it happens that I watch an image of a person on the internet and feel watched by it. You bet that scared me like hell and thought I was going mad. I obviously know the image is not watching me, but instinctively I feel an intense fear of being watched. Then I realize how crazy that is, and I have fear I'm going mad.
This lasted a few days though, and haven't had this specific thing today. I walked in the streets quite calmly, not worrying about being watched, and had some work done at my workplace. So, I can function - but it's very hard, as if I think about myself, I get depressed and anxious again. I need to keep myself busy - as soon as I'm not, I'm keen to be depressed.
I've said that to my psychologist and she sais my brain is just very tired. I didn't get enough reassurance I am not going crazy, though. I want to recover, and I don't want to go crazy.
Emotionally, this breakdown has all been about anger. The day I exploded and had to run away from my house, my dad did something that made me feel EXASPERATE. I realized I was thinking in an extremely black-and-white fashion by wich if I didn't get out there I would die. I called several friends of mine and when somebody would tell me "you should not leave home" I would feel the most amazing exasperation and wouldn't even have the strength to scream. What I wanted them to realize is that I needed help. As I felt they didn't understand, that made me crazy as I was sure I wouldn't make it just by myself. I was too angry and exasperate even to be angry and exasperate...I wouldn't know how to better explain. Probably some defense mechanism or something.
I'm not sure somebody here can relate. In any case, I am doing better than a month ago, I have luckily found occupation, and can get my mind distracted. I am going through extreme up-and-downs, and this sounds like recovery, what do you think? I can even stay at my parent's home slightly anxious, having flashes of confidence I can make it and come back to live here if I wanted - obviously, changing my thinking patterns. My greatest fear is that having not recovered fully, I would get back to the beginning in a short time. This is a very negative way to think though. I guess it's up to how I decide to think.
When I'm somehow serene, I know I can live here and keep going with my life. When I get panicky, it's like the whole world collapses and there just isn't any hope.
I'd love to hear what you think - trying not to scare me more than I've already been. Hopefully I'll become a better person out of this (my last years have been terribly neurotic and in constant anxiety, this is just the natural response of all that) and help others overcome similar obstacles.
Happy new year, by the way.