Annonpap
10-26-2013, 12:36 AM
I'm absolutely exhausted after having written a full essay on this and having it been the first time expressing my emotions that the post was deleted because I wasn't logged in or something... 2nd attempt. (I'm finding it harder to express my experiences and emotions this time around, hope it's an easy enough read).
I'm wondering If me having anxiety is a reality or a poor excuse.
Going through year 12 as we speak, only another 2 weeks left until I'm finished. Although I can't bring myself to make any effort to study, having the same mentality I've had for the past 5 years but now more then ever I know how crucial it is. I've had 2 exams so far and have made minimal effort for both confessing excuses like 'I've got a week to study', 'I've got the weekend to study' or even 'I've got a few hours left', but it's depressing and exhausting. Thinking about studying right now I'm like; 'Should have studied a few months ago, whats the point now'. Although I'm not here to get advice on how to concentrate or study this is important to note as a stressful event.
My addiction to games is a loophole to relieve stress and waste time, i've played since I was 12 (or year 7) and ever since my exams have started (2 weeks ago) i've had countless nights of staying up until 1-3am playing computer games (probably causing depression). I cannot begin to comprehend why I do this but feel as though its a way of keeping me up longer to reduce the time I have to 'study' or think about life. The period before sleeping can leave me depressed as I understand the failure i'm about to become in the eyes of society and my parents expectations. I know i'm probably going to get a score of 40-60 if i'm lucky, going to a really expensive school my parents are only starting to realise the wasted resources. I honestly don't know why I don't 'end it' but knowing the pain it would put my family and friends through destroys me.
I cover my emotions towards myself and these exams of stress by pretending to be relaxed and everyone is really impressed about it. But realising my future and my failed results has today shown me my true side of depression, playing my games is the only way out of it, even if it is a brief window.
There was an event in my life which runs through my head, when my parents lost hope in me (well i assume). When i was in year 7 we did a test, throughout the year group. I got a 0, the whole test was multiple choice and I mixed the correct answers to the wrong questions. I was tested for eye disorders and learning disorders. (I don't know if this has an impact on my life now but may be good to note).
I have friends but due to my addiction i've only started to recently question it, as my group of friends tighten around each other I get left out of events which bring them closer and distance myself. I'd like to state that due to this addiction I am not 'socially awkward' but I do have concerns that seems like a symptom of anxiety. Whenever I'm alone (e.g. Walking to/from the train station alone) or embarrassed I tend to tear up and despite not physically wanting to, It happens anyway.
I physically cannot bring myself to study despite having an exam in a few days, I'm here writing this and I barely know the subject due to me playing games for my whole high school life and I'm probably going to result to nothing. I have a fear of being alone, having never made out with a girl (I have but it was sympathy), which questions my self esteem although I don't think I'm ugly, I do think i'm lacking the compassion of a female as I don't have any close female friends.
I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish anymore but hopefully somebody can go through this nonsense and events to tell me if I really do have anxiety or If i'm making up an excuse for being lazy... 'fuck my life'.
I'm wondering If me having anxiety is a reality or a poor excuse.
Going through year 12 as we speak, only another 2 weeks left until I'm finished. Although I can't bring myself to make any effort to study, having the same mentality I've had for the past 5 years but now more then ever I know how crucial it is. I've had 2 exams so far and have made minimal effort for both confessing excuses like 'I've got a week to study', 'I've got the weekend to study' or even 'I've got a few hours left', but it's depressing and exhausting. Thinking about studying right now I'm like; 'Should have studied a few months ago, whats the point now'. Although I'm not here to get advice on how to concentrate or study this is important to note as a stressful event.
My addiction to games is a loophole to relieve stress and waste time, i've played since I was 12 (or year 7) and ever since my exams have started (2 weeks ago) i've had countless nights of staying up until 1-3am playing computer games (probably causing depression). I cannot begin to comprehend why I do this but feel as though its a way of keeping me up longer to reduce the time I have to 'study' or think about life. The period before sleeping can leave me depressed as I understand the failure i'm about to become in the eyes of society and my parents expectations. I know i'm probably going to get a score of 40-60 if i'm lucky, going to a really expensive school my parents are only starting to realise the wasted resources. I honestly don't know why I don't 'end it' but knowing the pain it would put my family and friends through destroys me.
I cover my emotions towards myself and these exams of stress by pretending to be relaxed and everyone is really impressed about it. But realising my future and my failed results has today shown me my true side of depression, playing my games is the only way out of it, even if it is a brief window.
There was an event in my life which runs through my head, when my parents lost hope in me (well i assume). When i was in year 7 we did a test, throughout the year group. I got a 0, the whole test was multiple choice and I mixed the correct answers to the wrong questions. I was tested for eye disorders and learning disorders. (I don't know if this has an impact on my life now but may be good to note).
I have friends but due to my addiction i've only started to recently question it, as my group of friends tighten around each other I get left out of events which bring them closer and distance myself. I'd like to state that due to this addiction I am not 'socially awkward' but I do have concerns that seems like a symptom of anxiety. Whenever I'm alone (e.g. Walking to/from the train station alone) or embarrassed I tend to tear up and despite not physically wanting to, It happens anyway.
I physically cannot bring myself to study despite having an exam in a few days, I'm here writing this and I barely know the subject due to me playing games for my whole high school life and I'm probably going to result to nothing. I have a fear of being alone, having never made out with a girl (I have but it was sympathy), which questions my self esteem although I don't think I'm ugly, I do think i'm lacking the compassion of a female as I don't have any close female friends.
I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish anymore but hopefully somebody can go through this nonsense and events to tell me if I really do have anxiety or If i'm making up an excuse for being lazy... 'fuck my life'.