Anxiousraven
10-24-2013, 02:50 PM
I am new and this is fairly weird for me but i feel like I need to talk to people who possibly understand me without judging me or making me feel worse.
Not even sure I know where to start. I am so sad... not sure I would use the words 'depressed' as I do not want to use that word lightly, but i'm extremely sad. From about the age of 18 i have been suffering with anxiety. I never feel good enough, I never feel like I deserve to be happy. I can go through life just coasting along but sometimes I wonder why I am here. I would never do anything to end the pain but most days i felt like there was a huge pressure and i just didn't know how to deal with it. When I was younger I was bullied really badly but i remember handling it and feeling optimistic and even though I hated feeling bad I don't remember it getting to me. I have no excuses I constantly dream of doing something with my life but i am scared i will always make the wrong choices and ruin my life.
All of this changed when I met a guy about a year and a half ago he made me feel so full of life and calmed me, he made me more ambitious and made me feel like actually i had a hopeful future. I guess i did the wrong thing and made him everything that made me happy, i know i shouldn't of done it but recently he's not happy, he says he has things going on and needs space. I'm not stupid I'm a realist I KNOW that this means the end of me and him even though i want to fight he seems to have given up, he says he's not sure if he wants to break up or not... he won't talk to me and honestly i am in limbo. He is going through a tough time aswell but it seems to me that i am the only person he is cutting out. i feel the unsettling feeling of anxiety creeping up on me... to the point of where I can't remember doing things, i don't want to eat and when I do i feel guilty, I drink plenty to try and keep myself going but at the same time i get upset and end up crying until I'm (involuntarily) sick. I go outside and secretly wish that something would happen to me. I don't enjoy doing any of the things i used to do. I used to love singing... but now i cringe when i hear myself. The only thing that keeps me calm is watching videos on youtube but i can't do that 24 / 7. Ive been trying to be strong for a while but i can't do it anymore. I just want to sleep, I dread weekends because i know i'm alone and he's not there anymore. I know that this is a standard human reaction for this situation but I am seeking help on more than just how i feel right now.
i keep searching the internet trying to find a way to help with what i am going through but everything seems to be catered towards people who don't suffer with anxiety anyway. i see my friends just getting on with things when they break up with someone and they are happy. I am really socially awkward and i dislike people... I know i have to change my life and my attitude but i don't know how to :(
I'm really sorry if this seem petty to people and seems like i am belittling things with trivial issues, i don't mean to i just really don't know where to turn anymore
Not even sure I know where to start. I am so sad... not sure I would use the words 'depressed' as I do not want to use that word lightly, but i'm extremely sad. From about the age of 18 i have been suffering with anxiety. I never feel good enough, I never feel like I deserve to be happy. I can go through life just coasting along but sometimes I wonder why I am here. I would never do anything to end the pain but most days i felt like there was a huge pressure and i just didn't know how to deal with it. When I was younger I was bullied really badly but i remember handling it and feeling optimistic and even though I hated feeling bad I don't remember it getting to me. I have no excuses I constantly dream of doing something with my life but i am scared i will always make the wrong choices and ruin my life.
All of this changed when I met a guy about a year and a half ago he made me feel so full of life and calmed me, he made me more ambitious and made me feel like actually i had a hopeful future. I guess i did the wrong thing and made him everything that made me happy, i know i shouldn't of done it but recently he's not happy, he says he has things going on and needs space. I'm not stupid I'm a realist I KNOW that this means the end of me and him even though i want to fight he seems to have given up, he says he's not sure if he wants to break up or not... he won't talk to me and honestly i am in limbo. He is going through a tough time aswell but it seems to me that i am the only person he is cutting out. i feel the unsettling feeling of anxiety creeping up on me... to the point of where I can't remember doing things, i don't want to eat and when I do i feel guilty, I drink plenty to try and keep myself going but at the same time i get upset and end up crying until I'm (involuntarily) sick. I go outside and secretly wish that something would happen to me. I don't enjoy doing any of the things i used to do. I used to love singing... but now i cringe when i hear myself. The only thing that keeps me calm is watching videos on youtube but i can't do that 24 / 7. Ive been trying to be strong for a while but i can't do it anymore. I just want to sleep, I dread weekends because i know i'm alone and he's not there anymore. I know that this is a standard human reaction for this situation but I am seeking help on more than just how i feel right now.
i keep searching the internet trying to find a way to help with what i am going through but everything seems to be catered towards people who don't suffer with anxiety anyway. i see my friends just getting on with things when they break up with someone and they are happy. I am really socially awkward and i dislike people... I know i have to change my life and my attitude but i don't know how to :(
I'm really sorry if this seem petty to people and seems like i am belittling things with trivial issues, i don't mean to i just really don't know where to turn anymore