My first contact with other anxiety sufferers

[indespair]

Hi, My name is Terry and I have been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks for around 7 years now.
It is hard to remember where they started. Somewhere near the beginning I had two grand mal seizures, completely out of the blue, the first in public, the second (the next day) in my garden. All the tests showed there was nothing wrong but the doctors put me on anti epilepsy medication for about 3 years. After the seizures I began to worry about it happening again, it never has but it is still a very real possibility in my mind.
Over the years the panic attacks have increased and decreased, ranging from one a week to several times every day. I am a pretty outgoing person and have been determined not to allow myself to slip into avoidance habits. Even though the supermarket almost always triggers an attack, I still go there. The sad thing is that I can rarely go shopping with my wife and kids, without getting halfway through the shop and wishing I was back at home or at least outside. It usually starts with a slight dizziness, an ache in my jaw and a general feeling of unease, then develops into nausea and the constant thought of passing out, being sick or collapsing in front of everyone. The feeling builds to the point that I feel I cannot breathe and generally makes me feel that I am going to die. (note: I have never been sick, passed out or died in this situation, but it is still there - everytime) My attacks always wrap up with a massive headache which no painkiller can touch. The headache has become a relief despite the pain, as at least I know the attack is over.

So what steps have I taken to overcome this?

I have done a short CBT course to try to divert my panic attacks and disassociate them from there linked locations. This helped my general confidence but did nothing for the attacks.
I have (and still am) visited a therapist regularlyto undergo psychotherapy in order to understand the root of my attacks. This has highlighted many insecurities in my life and has been a brilliant success in allowing me to accept many things I have previously seen as negative about myself. Still the attacks keep coming.

I am now at the point of considering medication. As I mentioned I am a relatively outgoing person. My job requires me to see and speak to people and to attend events. The idea of events is a nightmare to me. Once sat in a room full of people, the sound of the attack is SO loud, I just cannot drown it out. In conversation with people, once I have finished the initial greeting, the attack becomes louder than the other person, stopping me from hearing them, all I can hear is 'GET OUT HERE, YOU'RE GONNA DIE'.
I don't really want to go the medication route. I have a wonderful marriage and four brilliant kids, I don't really want to numb out the myriad of emotions connected with my family, but equally I want to be able to go out with them and not be constantly wishing I was at home.

This is my first contact with anyone else suffering with anxiety. I am hoping it may help to speak with people who can understand and maybe get some advice, guidance, suggestions or even just reassurance.

Thank you for reading :-)

[Cuchculan]

Welcome to the forum. Good to have you as a member. I think most people, at first, have this fear of medication. Thinking it might make them into something different. They will never be themselves again. I always ask people to view their quality of life. As it stands right now. Ask yourself would a little medication improve the quality of your life? There is nothing saying you would be placed on something and told to take it daily. You can go the route of taken something only when needed. I know many people who do that. People who may only take one tablet a week. The other six days they find they can do without medication. It works different for different people. Others need the medication they are on. They are on it daily. It does differ from person to person. It is something you would talk over with your doctor. Explain whatever fears you have about medication. That is what a doctor is there for. Medication is only one part of the answer. Therapy is another part. Breathing exercises and the likes. So you can learn how to calm yourself down when things are at there worst. The final part is hard work by you, yourself. I think that is the hardest, but most important part of them all. The work we put in to make ourselves face our fears and not run away from them. It can be hard at first. Takes time to get used to it. The body has to adapt to the feelings that will come on. The ones that you normally run from. The fact that this time you are standing there and not running away. The more we can do that the weaker those bad feelings become. Trust me, for the first month or so you will always want to run away. Nothing odd about that. We finally pluck up the courage to stay. Most probably hit with every bad feeling we ever feared. Exposure therapy at its best. When it works it is great. But we all have setbacks from time to time. But it is up to us just to pick ourselves back up and get back on with things. You can do just about anything if you believe in yourself.

[indespair]

Thanks for the support. I do worry about a change in myself through medication, but yes, as you say, there is medication I can take as and when needed. Maybe it's time to have a chat with the GP.
Thanks again :-)