Depressed because I'm anxious, or anxious because I'm depressed??

[skarsgardd]

Heyo chums,

I posted a few weeks back in the new members section when I was just starting on Zoloft for my anxiety. My progress with it has been pretty weird...

When I first went to the doc, she said she didnt think I was clinically depressed, but that I was clearly very anxious and that the depressed feelings were more than likely a result of the anxiety. It made perfect sense to me anyway, I can only imagine depression is a big side effect for any of us.

The weird thing is, I'm not so sure anymore. Its still a new medication, I've been on it for nearly 2 months now, but whats happened is weird. My anxiety is... seriously, much much much better, after about 2 weeks of feeling it was a lot worse, it just sort of ebbed away. Like I'd still get worried, but instead of feeling like, THIS PROBLEM IS DEFINITELY GOING TO KILL ME NOW, I'd sort of just feel like "You know I feel like crap today, maybe I'll play the piano".

But now that I'm not feeling physically anxious, the depression has gotten worse and worse. I've not managed a full week of work in over a month, I've spent up to four days just lying in bed crying and now I'm feeling like ... I don't know if I want to say suicidal because I honestly don't even know if I have it in me, but I spend all my time thinking about it. I fantasise about it, and when I do find myself getting worked up or manic, I think about the possibility and it calms me down. I mean, I guess in some ways its good that I can be calmed because that sort of stops me doing anything rash, but at the same time it scares me that the only thing that makes me feel calm is thinking about killing myself. And like, the suicidey stuff aside, everything is just so tiring and I cant sleep properly, and I don't know if the lack of sleep is driving me insane or if I'm just going insane on my own.

I just honestly have no idea whats happening to me. My emotions are just going haywire, I feel like if something minorly bad happens, my brain sends me into full blown grieving. I don't know if that makes sense, but everything just happens so disproportionately to how I logically think I should be feeling. Things that shouldn't make me shut down for almost a week and not be able to get out of bed, are just sending me into a pit and I honestly don't know how to get out.

It's just really disheartening because I was so hopeful that the Zoloft would help, and yes, it is helping with my anxiety, but I'm just spirally into this... serious grey area that I don't know how to get out of. I didn't even know it was possible to feel so empty and numb, but so sad at the same time. Its like I'm feeling every feeeling in the world in one go, but somehow simultaneously not feeling anything at all.

I don't know, does this sort of thing sound familiar to anyone? I never really thought that depression was the root of my problem, and its just becoming painfully clear to me that there's this massive hound just sleeping in the background, and maybe my anxiety was a way for me not to deal with it. Like, getting physically wound up was my way of not actually dealing with what's really wrong with me.

I don't know whats happening to me guys :(

[tailspin]

Hi skarsgardd, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I think that, for many people, depression and anxiety are inter-related. That is certainly the case for me. I have often noticed that when my anxiety subsides my depression worsens. And vice versa.

However, what you are describing sounds more serious. Definitely the suicidal thoughts are great cause for concern. It is possible that the Zoloft is actually causing you to have these thoughts. As perverse as this sounds, some people do develop suicidal thoughts when they start taking an anti-depressant. I would definitely go back and talk to your doctor, or better yet, a psychiatrist. It could be that switching to a different medication will help greatly. I know this is a huge pain in the neck and I totally get it that you just want the Zoloft to help. And it is good that it has helped with your anxiety. But the depression you are describing sounds serious and it's important to talk to your doctor about this very soon. Also, I'm wondering if therapy is an option for you at all? That can be very helpful too.

Wishing you the very best, skarsgardd. Please let us know how you are doing!

[skarsgardd]

Thanks for the info tailspin. I really appreciate the response. Really not feeling good tonight at all.

I haven't been upfront with my parents about how bad things are, and when I tell them they say that I'm too young to feel this way and that everyone gets depressed, so I don't overly feel like I can lean on them for financial support re: therapy, and I haven't really got enough money to afford it without. I dunno. I just kind of feel like, I don't even want to get better anymore. It's just really hard and I don't get any kind of payoff. The meds are making me worse, but without them I'm so anxious I can't leave the house... I just feel like giving up, and I don't wanna be that kind of person but... you know. I don't really know what my options are anymore, but I guess going to the doc again is all i've got.

[tailspin]

Hey there, I'm really sorry to hear all this. It really sucks that your parents are telling you that you are too young to feel this way and that everyone gets depressed. That is a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say!!! And it's also not true. Plenty of young people feel extremely depressed and, tragically, often go to desperate measures. Please don't give up, skarsgardd! You will feel better again and it is worth hanging in there! I have problems with depression too and I really know what hopelessness feels like, and how hard it is to believe that things will ever get better. But then, when things do get better, it makes all the difference in the world. So don't lose hope!

Can you talk openly with your doctor without your parents being involved? I would definitely get in contact with him again and tell him exactly how bad you are feeling. He might be able to put you in touch with some support groups or he may know of some kind other kind of therapy options for you. Also, he could help you switch to a new medication. And that could make a big, positive difference.

Also, not sure how old you are or if you're still at school? If so, is there any type of school counselor you could talk to? Someone who is trained to help students with depression?

Hang in there, skarsgardd and let us know how you get on with the doctor. Wishing you the very, very best!

[Sarah W]

It sounds like you're despairing and acclimating to your depression.

What you're experiencing may be mostly the result of your medication. I had anxiety and depression a year and a half ago. I took the sertraline (zoloft) and my depression disappeared--and it was something that I had had for years--but the anxiety, a newer experience for me, was exacerbated and became chronic (like, all day, everyday from what were more scattered and acute episodes). Though, I've been off of the drug for at least eight months now and am getting back to normal (after changing a lot of habits and taking supplements).

One thing you might want to pay attention to are the kinds of thoughts you're having before you break down. I usually get set off brooding at resentful thoughts. It will feel like you're blowing up about little things when you're really connecting them to deeper resentments. You may feel ashamed at how fragile you appear to be. Maybe you get into an argument with a relative over chocolate bars that were sitting on the counter. And it mysteriously escalates. And you go back and forth and you start shaking and trembling all over and you're angry, but you're not allowed to be angry, so you run away and cry. You're not crying over chocolate. That's ridiculous. You're crying because you have a lot of resentment towards this person, this person has a lot of resentment towards you, and you're stuck together for an indefinite period of time, arguing over what are ostensibly petty little things. Or something else unhealthy in your life that you're angry about and feel impotent over. That's my example. Because something very similar happened in my life this morning.

Brooding often makes you depressed. Depressed people often brood. Worrying often makes you anxious. Anxious people almost always worry. When you think about it, worrying and brooding aren't a whole lot different. Only now your stress response has lessoned, you might still be thinking pretty much the same way and feeling different effects from it.

I don't know if you have experienced this, but when I'm depressed I feel like it's because I'm thinking more clearly and that when I'm not depressed it's because I'm stifling my thoughts. Although, there's usually an insistence internally to assume something depressing that I can't possibly know.

Wishing you well.

[PanicPhobia]

I am not a doctor, but it is pretty apparent that the neurotransmitters in the brain relating to depression are probably also closely tied to anxiety. I think a lot of mental illnesses are closely linked in a "spectrum" if you will. I say that because a lot of people with differing diagnoses have similar symptoms at times. Also some psychiatrists have a hard time making a firm diagnosis with certain patients because they exhibit a multitude of symptoms (I have had shrinks disagree about me being Bi-polar for instance).

I think medical researchers will finally crack this code. A lot of it is likely genetic, and so gene therapy might be an option years into the future. You will be able to be screened for the "anxiety" or the "depression" gene and take medications that specifically turn that gene off. Such things are already being done with other illnesses in animal trials.

But, OP, have you seen a psychiatrist or just a regular doc? If you are seeing a general doc, I highly HIGHLY recommend you see a psychiatrist. General practitioners don't know crap about mental illness and I would not trust the diagnosis from one. You may have other issues going on besides just "anxiety."