Inner void: anyone else?

[tailspin]

For a lot of my adult life I have felt a kind of inner emptiness and restlessness. I'm not talking about depression (though it's connected). This is more a sense of something missing and not feeling completely fulfilled. It's as if I'm always searching on some level for the missing piece that will make me feel whole. I'm lucky I guess that I didn't fall deeply into addiction (though I have had my issues) because I can really see how this feeling could fuel a cycle of addiction. As it is I tend to get very compulsive about things and, very often, the more compulsive I get, the less satisfaction the thing I'm compulsive about gives me. I suppose it's because I tend to look for satisfaction or fulfilment in the wrong places.

This inner void has re-surfaced in many different life situations. For a long time I thought I could fill the void by making changes in my external world (for example, getting a different job, getting a different boyfriend, buying my own home, moving to a different country, getting married etc etc) but, the inner void just keeps coming back. (And obviously I do get it that it is an inner void and that it's also bound up with my low self-esteem, but still, it's hard to stop searching for that external thing that will "fix" it).

Definitely this inner void fuels my depression. And more recently I see how it fuels my anxiety too. For example, I think I have finally realized that no amount of searching for an external fix will work. Because I already have a nice life. Yet no matter how good my life is, the inner void is still there. Because the problem is not with my life. The problem is with me. And that thought fuels my anxiety.

But, on the other hand, in a perverse way the anxiety and depression also go some way towards filling the void because they are a full-time preoccupation. Over the years I have spent so much time researching anxiety and depression, reading about it, journalling about it, talking about it, exploring different therapy options, trying different medications etc. etc. It has definitely become part of my identity.

Sorry I didn't mean for this post to become so deep. I hope it's possible to follow where I'm going with this. And that is, I suppose, that I don't know how to fill the inner void. And in a way if I didn't have the depression and anxiety the void might even be bigger? Or would it?? That's where I'm a bit confused. If I imagine that I didn't have depression and anxiety, then presumably I would be able to do more things and then perhaps I would feel more fulfilled? But then I think back to before my depression and anxiety were as bad as they are now, when I really was doing a lot of different things and was fully participating in my life, and the inner void was still there.

Can anyone relate to any of this?? When I started writing this I thought I knew exactly what point I wanted to make and what question I wanted to ask, but now I'm not so sure. I just know that my inner void is a problem and that it relates to my anxiety and depression but I don't think it's as simple as simply fixing the anxiety and depression. I have to fix the inner void too!!

Thank you for bearing with me as I wrap my head around this!!

[nf1234]

Tailspin I've felt the void your feeling before and I can tell you exactly what will fill it. His name is Jesus. I know that sounds like some wacky bible thumping thing to say but im telling you its the truth. I've had it all; girls, sex, popularity, money, success, material things, you name it. All great things but their power only lasted for so long. It's like eating a candy bar for dinner. It may taste great at the moment and give you that high. But it cannot sustain you and it will make you come crashing down. What you need is a hardy nourishing meal that will sustain you. Jesus is where you will find that fulfillment. I don't know your personal beliefs and I won't waste any more time preaching to ya. If you want to talk more i'd be happy to. I just know where your at and want to share with you what took me so long to learn.

[AdMasai]

Hey tailspin! Don't want to make this thread too controversial, but is your mom Jewish by any chance? :) or ur moms mom?

[tailspin]

Hey NF! Thanks for taking the time to respond. And thanks for recognizing the inner void I'm talking about. I'm truly so happy for you that you have found peace and sustenance! I really am! And I can see how it makes so much sense that I would or could follow a similar path. But, in the same way that you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone even though they seem perfect for you in every way, I think it is similar with religious faith. You can't force yourself to believe in something which doesn't feel true to you in your heart. And that's my situation. A part of me really does wish that this was different because what I can believe is that faith does bring enormous comfort and purpose to many people. However, as I say, religious faith is not something that feels true for me personally. I do have some spiritual beliefs, but I am more philosophical in nature. I am personally very drawn to Eastern philosophies, but again, not in a religious sense. In a philosophical sense.

I think for me personally, one area that I could explore would be helping other people - or animals - in some way. For example, some volunteer work. I am so very caught up in my own mind. I am very preoccupied with myself and how I'm feeling. And that is quite selfish. Even writing this post I'm like, how can I fill My inner void. It's all about me. I have a sense that one way to help myself (even though that is still about me!!) could be to focus more on helping someone else. At any rate, that thought just popped into my head again!

Thanks so much again for your feedback, NF! Wishing you the very best!!

[HealthAnxNut]

Hey NF! Thanks for taking the time to respond. And thanks for recognizing the inner void I'm talking about. I'm truly so happy for you that you have found peace and sustenance! I really am! And I can see how it makes so much sense that I would or could follow a similar path. But, in the same way that you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone even though they seem perfect for you in every way, I think it is similar with religious faith. You can't force yourself to believe in something which doesn't feel true to you in your heart. And that's my situation. A part of me really does wish that this was different because what I can believe is that faith does bring enormous comfort and purpose to many people. However, as I say, religious faith is not something that feels true for me personally. I do have some spiritual beliefs, but I am more philosophical in nature. I am personally very drawn to Eastern philosophies, but again, not in a religious sense. In a philosophical sense.

I think for me personally, one area that I could explore would be helping other people - or animals - in some way. For example, some volunteer work. I am so very caught up in my own mind. I am very preoccupied with myself and how I'm feeling. And that is quite selfish. Even writing this post I'm like, how can I fill My inner void. It's all about me. I have a sense that one way to help myself (even though that is still about me!!) could be to focus more on helping someone else. At any rate, that thought just popped into my head again!

Thanks so much again for your feedback, NF! Wishing you the very best!!

Gosh... you and I are SO much alike tailspin (my name is Amanda, by the way :)) it's crazy our similarities. I'll be honest, the only thing that has filled that void for me is my son. I am lucky that did it. I felt terrible that my husband didn't, but I think it was something in side of me that needed to be fulfilled, and being a mother does it. Maybe it was the selfishness causing the void, and he has caused me to be totally UN-selfish when it comes to him. I don't know how I would have fixed it otherwise, but I have done some humanitarian work in other countries, and it actually was WONDERFUL, and so maybe it was really the selfishness!

I also cannot force myself to believe in certain things. I refer to myself as a "hopeful agnostic" lol. :) If there is something or someone out there, I know it or they are benign or good (I just know it - look around us - so many amazing intricacies and so much beauty!), and that does bring me a great sense of peace. I have the "aum" tattoo on me, because to me, being one with myself, or being balanced/at peace with myself, well... that is the most important thing. And what I have been striving toward. I think I'm getting closer. I know myself so much better now. I trust myself more now. I still go through hard times, but I am still here, and I am still me. And I don't hate that as much as I used to. Those are some of the positives of growing older, I think.

Ok, where was the point again? Ahh... so, the inner void. I think a LOT of people have this, even without anxiety and depression. And I truly think you will find what you need to help you feel whole. You know why? Because you are LOOKING FOR IT.

[NeverToo...Fear]

...I'm not saying I'm feeling what you are, but I've experienced something similar. For the longest time, I didn't notice I had a void until what filled it up disappeared. For me, it was taking care of my Grandmother 24/7 for the better part of 7 years. I was so focused on her, making sure she was taken care of that it required my daily attention. But once she passed away this year, it was like a huge jolt to my pattern of life. Like an earthquake and I'm left with the aftermath, feeling like there's a giant hole in my life. I'm not exactly talking about grief. I'm talking about that the act of taking care of someone for so long took up so much of my time and thoughts, that now when there's room for other things, it's just a void. And nothing will take up its space... I don't know if it's the same, I can't explain it quite right, but perhaps it's similar? I guess my point is that I'm not sure if my void was a result of doing something for so long and now it's gone or that it was there all along and the way I was filling it was by focusing on other people and taking care of them.....So maybe it could be that you haven't found exactly what could fill your void? Maybe it's possible you could go back to a time where you felt you didn't have a void and figure out what was filling it?

I think HealthAnxNut has a point with the selflessness helping to fill the void...anxiety tends to make us all a bit selfish (not in a mean way, but in such a way as that we need to focus so much on ourselves when we are dealing with anxiety or depression) --That's why I think it's a great idea to help other people and animals sounds like a great place to start. Perhaps more focus on others, becoming more selfless helps, and eventually you might find something to fill the void. Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated! :)

[jessed03]

Sorry to hear about your GramGram NTF.

Tailspin, do you have children? Not that I think that's your void - lol - this thread just reminds me I can't remember you saying so.

But yes. 'The void'. The missing piece. :)

I didn't realise so many with anxiety seemed to feel it. I guess mental ailments make you more suseptible to noticing all kinds of stuff, in yourself and out in the world. You notice things people miss, like the odd heart skip, or if a friend is a minute late, or symptoms that could be subtle indications of illness.

I guess the void is another of those things we've all been trained by our conditions to recognise.

How long have you felt it? I recall feeling it in most of my earliest memories. From the age of 7, I remember feeling it often.

Why wouldn't you feel a void though? In life?

This is a depressing fact, but a fact nonetheless. We will all die. Everything and everyone we love, will die. Our very existence, our attachments, our memories, will fade into time and disappear like a car driving over the horizon.

And it all happens so so quickly. Here today, gone tomorrow. Like smoke through a keyhole. In the blink of an eye.

And throughout history, we've done everything we can as humans, to forget, or deny this fact. We've started wars. Put value on reproducing our dna, invented religions, many of which are dead now. Concepts of heaven, re-incarnations, of reuniting, of eternal existence. Only, the evidence for these things is incredibly sketchy at best (but that's another issue altogether).

For me, I guess the void always felt like my holiday to New York as a kid. There was so much I wanted to do, and see, and experience, in my 2 weeks there. And I set about it, when I arrived. But soon, I noticed the time was racing by. A week had been. Suddenly 9 days... Then it was up.

And I'd done a lot. I'd had fun...

But I couldn't shake the feeling, there was something I missed. And I did miss things. I couldn't possibly have done it all. Life follows that same pattern...

Because no matter what you do in life, when it comes to the end, there will be so much you missed out on. So much left unfulfilled, so much promise left unresolved. For a man or woman to reach the end of their life and feel fulfilled, is very rare.

So this ticking clock hangs over all of our heads. This reminder that we have such a short space of time to 'see New York', to experience life, it's always always there. It's this constant source of background anxiety, of unease. Sometimes we realise this, other times it comes out as anxiety in other things.

We've been asleep for billions of years... Then, for 70ish years, if we're lucky, we wake up, and get to have go, before we go back to sleep forever. When you think about it, there's an incredible pressure placed upon us all to find fulfilment, as chances are, we never get another go.

But then, it all gets blurred, and distorted, lost in translation. Lost in the minutes and hours spent paying bills, getting sick, caring for loved ones, fulfilling responsibilities. And all the while, the clock runs down.

And the unease grows. I don't know if you're a sports fan, but anyone will tell you, it's a very nervy feeling when your team is losing, and the clock is counting down fast.

And people reach this point. Whereby they don't know anymore what they wanted, or even how to go about it if they did. They feel too old, too tired, too bruised, too restrained by family, health, debt, money issues, their job. And they change focus. They try to forget this idea of fulfillment, of reaching their deathbed like those very lucky few, complete.

And they focus on sports, on getting drunk, and their career. And the distraction can be quite peaceful. It removes some of that anxiety, as they've let go. But they can never fully let go. None of us can.

An inner void can be two things usually. A call to understand death, or a call to action.

Abraham Maslow believed the final stage to being complete was self-actualisation. And I think that's as close as any of us get to peace. To have had our needs met, and to fulfill the needs of others. To have taken until full, then given back until somebody else is full. All in a way that allow us to express our small piece of individuality in our chosen way.

I guess, that is the ultimate anybody can do in this physical world.

So to apply this to yourself, do you have dead dreams, that can't be lived?

Or do you still have needs you wish to have met, or haven't yet put back into the land?

Maslow said 'when people live lives away from their true nature, not using their true capabilities, they live with less happiness, and less fulfillment'

Fulfillment is something that crosses both worlds. You become more at peace with death, and you have expressed yourself. It is perhaps the best a person can do in their lives, and these are the people that die without regret. That no longer fear the ticking clock, the way we do.

Maslow had several principals to achieving fulfillment. Perhaps there are some still at large, yet for you to accomplish?

Efficient perceptions of reality - The absence of pessimistic thinking, and negative thinking habits. The removal of fake, or disingenuous people from your life. Are you under the illusion of depression, or do you see life just as it is? Have your disappointments and experiences tired you, or do you see today fresh, and clear?

Comfortable acceptance of yourself, others and nature - are you at peace with humanities ugly nature? Are you aware we are truly animals, imperfect, scared and selfish - but ok with it? Do you treasure your body and mind? Have you accepted yourself and your flaws, with humour and tolerance, as well as the flaws of those around you? Are you in touch with nature, the environment that homes you?

Spontaneity - Are you in a position to fulfil daily wants? Are you able to do the things that excite you? Are you able to encourage dopamine in your brain, by being different, by changing things, by doing small, enjoyable things on a whim? Or does health, anxiety, boudment, duty, money worry prevent you most of the time? Do you feel alive, excited and spontaneous?

Task awareness - Most people feel the need to accomplish something that goes deeper and outside themselves. To help in somebody's life, to ease suffering somewhere, to provide opportunity for somebody, to help with a charity act, humanitarian issue, or simply to improve the lives of those nearst in small ways. Perhaps you wish to help end cancer, or be be there for somebody alone, or help animals live better lives.

Non egotistical humour - Can you truly laugh at yourself in a warm way?

Profound relationships - Do you have people in your life who understand you. Who you can confess everything to. Who need no explanation for your shortcomings. Who, in other words, you feel deep connection with, and strong love from? Do you have people in your life that make you feel completely accepted?

Comfort in solitude - How are you alone? Do you like the person you are alone with? Are your thoughts pleasant and kind towards you? Do you love your home, your location and your surroundings? Or do they drain you, and leave you uninspired?

Fellowship with mankind - Do you have a place where you belong and fit in. Do you sympathise with the human condition, or are you judging or disliking of others? Are you patient and forgiving, or do you feel left out, angry, distrusting or bitter?

Are you given frequent affectionate touch, from friends, family and loved ones, or are you deficient? Do you experience loving sex? Do you get hugged? Do you get complimented? Are you respected in your life?

Autonomy - Are you reliant on others for support? For money? For travel? For self esteem? Or are you self sufficient, able to rely on yourself, and able to feel the freedom that entails.

Continued freshness for life - Do sunrises still please you, or are you bored of them/don't notice them? Do you enjoy beauty in small things, or is your world tiring, and something you want to escape from? Do you pursue hobbies you enjoy? Are you progressing at them, or in your chosen career? Or is life stagnant, and enjoyable activities a rarity?

Peak experiences - Do you experience things in life, on a semi- regular basis, that just make you feel very alive, and happy? Do you achieve regular zen experiences, that make you feel ecstasy, harmony, and peace. Do you feel at one with life often, or detached?

Those were some of Maslows ideas to achieving fulfillment, and overcoming some of the anxiety that accompanies life. As you can see, it's not easy. But Maslow found the closer you got, the happier in general you were. You can begin to see why many people go for the distraction route, rather than the fulfillment one. Partying, antidepressants, sports, easy sex or lots of money, can distract you most of the time from this feeling of incompleteness.

You probably notice many people tap into these ides by themselves, and their experience of tapping in has formed their basis for happiness. Many people believe in giving back, and following your passion, and having close relationships.

I guess this is as close to what I've seen for Western Minds, that allow them to overcome the fear of death and oblivion, of the inevitable missing out on things, and all other human depressions and anxieties we are given. For removing feelings of emptiness or a void, and for feeling connected.

I myself am still working away at it all :)

[tailspin]

Wow, I'm so happy I found this forum. Thank you for so much amazing feedback. I'm going to print this out because there is such a wealth of helpful info contained in these responses. Thank you!!

Forwells, thank you as always! I really appreciate your responses! I think you are right on when you say this:



I guess when it comes down to it , it is about finding the passion in life again .

I know it hard to stop dragging the past into thing but maybe this is nothing to do with the past but more about the stage in life you are now . Sort of like a mid life crises so to speak . I think these stages are pretty common as we age .

I have lost my passion in many ways. And even though I have felt this void on and off for a very long time, it is worse now, and I'm sure it does have to do partly with my age and where I'm at in my life. And, definitely it does have to do with my depression also. It's hard to know which came first: the void or the depression. Kind of a chicken and egg. I know quite a few people my age - friends of mine - who don't necessarily have a more interesting life than I do and yet they are pretty content and don't feel this inner emptiness (I know because I've asked them). However, they also don't have depression and anxiety. So, the void is definitely related to that.

Yes, got to find something to feel passionate about again!

Hi Amanda!!! My name is Joanna! Thanks for such a great response!!! I love the term "hopeful agnostic"!!! :) And what a beautiful tattoo you have chosen!! I am so happy that your dear son provides you with such a huge sense of fulfilment!! I can totally relate to what you say about being sad your husband didn't fill the void. Honestly, one of the biggest disillusionments I've had was getting married!!!!!! For a very long time I was convinced that finding the "right" man was going to turn out to be my missing piece. I didn't get married until quite late in life - I was 37 when I married. And by that point, my unrealistic expectations about marriage were at an all time high!!! Even if my husband had literally been a knight in shining armour, he couldn't possibly have lived up to what I thought marriage was. I should add that I love my husband to bits and he deserves a medal for sticking with me, but, boy, it was a big shock to my system when the honeymoon period was over and there I was, still feeling empty inside!!

NeverToo....Fear, thank you for such a thoughtful response!! I'm really so sorry for the loss of your grandma. I can only imagine the impact of that. I lost my Dad 6 years ago and that has had a huge effect on me, but I was not caring for him while he was dying, since his cancer was discovered late and he died within 6 weeks of being diagnosed, by which time he was in hospital, so that part all happened very quickly. It must be a very different situation indeed having cared for your grandmother 24 hours a day for 7 years and then to lose her. I am so very sorry for your loss, NTF!

Jessed!!!! What can I say??!! What a great post!! I'm definitely printing this out!!!! Thank you for your intelligence and your insights! And I'm going to write down some answers to these questions. Thank you so much for such a thought-provoking response. Re your question about children, no, I don't have children. I have never had a strong desire to have a baby so I never made it a priority and when I was younger I was very interested in pursuing a career and I was lucky to have a great job which took up a lot of my time (of course, many women are able to have both: baby and career). Then, when I did get married I was already quite old. I was 37. By that point I kind of felt it was getting a bit late and, as I say, I just didn't have this strong calling to have a child. And my hubby was also ambivalent about having children. I must admit that now, when it's too late, I do wonder if having a child might have filled the void. I can definitely see that I have missed out on an incredible experience. Also, we have dogs and the love I feel for them is indescribable. They definitely kickstarted my maternal instinct - the one I never knew I had!! - and in many ways they are the children I never had. They are with me 24 hours a day and a huge part of my life is involved with them and their care (especially walking them!!)

Anyhow, off now to read and write more about some of the questions you quoted in your post. Thank you so much, jessed!!!!!!!

PS: Definitely a big take-home message for me from all these responses is that becoming involved with helping others is what I need to look at. I need to break the "selfish" pattern of my mood disorders and start doing some more "selfless" things.

Thank you so much again for all these great responses!!

[NeverToo...Fear]

^ I second the greatness of Jessed's post...that dude's like an anxiety guru or something...we should never let him leave AF if we have any hopes at all for the rest of us to recover :P

And thanks, Tailspin (or Joanna :)) ..And I don't remember if I've said it or not before, but I'm sorry about your Dad..it goes without saying, loosing loved ones suck so much..

Anyways, I wish you good luck to filling your void!!

[tailspin]

^ I second the greatness of Jessed's post...that dude's like an anxiety guru or something...we should never let him leave AF if we have any hopes at all for the rest of us to recover :P

And thanks, Tailspin (or Joanna :)) ..And I don't remember if I've said it or not before, but I'm sorry about your Dad..it goes without saying, loosing loved ones suck so much..

Anyways, I wish you good luck to filling your void!!

Thank you NTF!!! And I agree about Jessed. You'd better not think of going anywhere, matey!! Seriously though, have you ever considered any kind of career in counseling, jessed? What do you do work-wise? Whoever they are, they are lucky to have you!!!

[jessed03]

Thank you NTF!!! And I agree about Jessed. You'd better not think of going anywhere, matey!! Seriously though, have you ever considered any kind of career in counseling, jessed? What do you do work-wise? Whoever they are, they are lucky to have you!!!

This a nice thread actually. Like a get to know each other thread. I now know TS is named Joanna, was very involved in her career, doesn't have kids. I know NTF sadly lost her grandma whom she'd mentioned in other posts.

BTW, NeverToo...Fear, what shall we call you, name wise?

Obviously I'm Jesse, but everyone calls me Jessed. :p D is the initial of my last name.

Job wise -- I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. I turned 24 recently and had a mini quarter life crisis lol. I was in sales. Mainly luxury goods. What is/was your career? Do you still do it?

Someone approached me about writing a book a year ago actually. I wrote one for them, they paid me, and took it away, edited it a little, and used it under their sales alias. I lost track of it lol. Maybe its online somewhere, I don't know. I didn't like doing it really. People expect too much. Typing here people are like minded, they take what is relevant; maybe its something, maybe nothing :) - nobody sitting at their screen here thinking YOU BETTER CURE ME! - Just people who enjoy bouncing ideas off one another and sharing experiences.

Selfishly its for my therapy too. You guys must find the writing helps your mind become more organized?

[NeverToo...Fear]

nobody sitting at their screen here thinking YOU BETTER CURE ME!

What? ...you mean....you're not....no... cure?? ......shoot...... xD




BTW, NeverToo...Fear, what shall we call you, name wise?

Namewise, I'm Crista.

[tailspin]

This a nice thread actually. Like a get to know each other thread. I now know TS is named Joanna, was very involved in her career, doesn't have kids. I know NTF sadly lost her grandma whom she'd mentioned in other posts.

BTW, NeverToo...Fear, what shall we call you, name wise?

Obviously I'm Jesse, but everyone calls me Jessed. :p D is the initial of my last name.

Job wise -- I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. I turned 24 recently and had a mini quarter life crisis lol. I was in sales. Mainly luxury goods. What is/was your career? Do you still do it?

Someone approached me about writing a book a year ago actually. I wrote one for them, they paid me, and took it away, edited it a little, and used it under their sales alias. I lost track of it lol. Maybe its online somewhere, I don't know. I didn't like doing it really. People expect too much. Typing here people are like minded, they take what is relevant; maybe its something, maybe nothing :) - nobody sitting at their screen here thinking YOU BETTER CURE ME! - Just people who enjoy bouncing ideas off one another and sharing experiences.

Selfishly its for my therapy too. You guys must find the writing helps your mind become more organized?

Yes! A getting to know you thread! I like that too! :) I kind of wish they had a blogging feature here. That's another nice way to share more personal stuff in an interactive way (with comments etc).

That is pretty amazing you wrote a book, Jessed! Was it a book about anxiety? I hope you're still getting royalties! At any rate, I would buy it! I would like to buy it in fact! Is it on Amazon?

Presumably you quit your job because you didn't enjoy it, so, congratulations!! Though I can see that you would be very good in sales. You have a natural, easy, friendly way with people that inspires confidence. Are you planning to stay in sales or make a complete change? And happy recent 24th Birthday!! I would love to be in my early 20s again!! I miss my youth!! I wish you the best Jessed!

I used to work for a contemporary art gallery in London. I kind of fell into the art world by chance several years previously when I lived in Berlin and ended up working for an art collector, and when I returned to London I got a job at a good gallery through my ex boss. I am not an artist myself but I really enjoyed working with artists. I was kind of an artist liaison person and I would help coordinate exhibitions. I did a little sales, but not much. Sales has never been my strong point. I just don't have the confidence necessary. The artists we worked with were mainly from Europe and America. So I did a lot of traveling. I used to come to the West Coast of the US about once every couple of months. That's also how I was able to meet my husband. Even though the work was really interesting and for a long time I loved it, it was also quite stressful and after doing it for 15 plus years I was getting pretty burned out. That's one reason why I didn't pursue the art world when I moved over here permanently. I kind of wanted a break. But the break ended up becoming permanent and I've never gone back to it. I do regret that. I didn't reliaze at the time what a huge impact it would have on me to give up that job. Anyhow, don't want to use up all our bandwidth so will stop here. Thanks for asking!!

PS: Yes, definitely writing these things out helps me become clearer about things (usually!)

[tailspin]

What? ...you mean....you're not....no... cure?? ......shoot...... xD



Namewise, I'm Crista.

LOL!!! :-) Hi Crista!! It's great to meet you!