Velrose
12-22-2007, 09:25 AM
Sometimes, I use this place as my sounding board, my way of sorting my own thoughts, and for getting feedback from everyone, so I really hope my posts as long as they can tend to be do not annoy.
I haven't been on here much over the last few weeks because with the holidays coming around, like most people, I've been incredibly busy. Though now, I don't know where else to turn,and so now, you wonderful people get to be my sounding board once more.
I'm on zoloft now, and I keep telling myself to give it plenty of time to begin working. I'm in the middle of my second week of this drug, and so far, no side effects at all, which is awesome. I'm still on the ativan and I see my therapist about once every two weeks because of the holidays and events...
I'm beginning to get really depressed because my anxiety is lessening. Why am I depressed? Let me explain.
For the last week, I felt normal. It was absolutely wonderful. I haven't felt that good in months! I barely thought of my fear and if I did, I pushed it out of my mind with no trouble at all.
Yesterday though, I woke up, and within an hour I began to feel antsy. It was very mild all day, just my usual feeling of butterflies in my stomach, and the very lethargic feeling. When my husband woke up that evening (he works third shift and sleeps all day) we went and picked up dinner from Cracker Barrel and brought it home to my brother in law and daughter. We all ate, and afterwards everyone settled in to watch television. I was laying on the couch, holding my daughter when a tissue commercial came on (you might know the one, with the little cartoon boy whose nose catches fire because it's been wiped so many times?) Within seconds, I had to get up, and I ran down the hall to my bedroom in a panic.
In there, I sat on the floor and began doing the steps my therapist suggested, deep breathing, and doing this thing where I write my fear/obsessive thought on a piece of paper over and over again, each time ranking my anxiety from 0 to 100. I filled two and a half sheets of paper front and back, but never fully calmed down. My husband eventually made me take an ativan, and soon and I was calm enough, though I was so drained from the attack that I was kind of out of it.
So basically...I'm upset because I felt like I was feeling better, only to have it come back with a vengeance. I am so tired of all of this. I'm tired of being afraid, I am tired of being depressed. It was such a tease to feel so good, to feel so normal only to be brought back down by all of this. I know there are going to be setbacks... I know... but... this just...blows.
A good friend of mine told me to look at anxiety and episodes like that as a sickness no different than the flu. One day, I might be ok...I might feel fine...but then on a day like yesterday I was just, "sick with the flu."
It's so hard to do, and I try to live each day in the present, I really do...but sometimes it is hard not to look to the future, or even to look into the past. I catch myself doing that quite often, looking back into the past and worrying if I am going to live this day in fear...
I just wish I could feel better again.
I haven't been on here much over the last few weeks because with the holidays coming around, like most people, I've been incredibly busy. Though now, I don't know where else to turn,and so now, you wonderful people get to be my sounding board once more.
I'm on zoloft now, and I keep telling myself to give it plenty of time to begin working. I'm in the middle of my second week of this drug, and so far, no side effects at all, which is awesome. I'm still on the ativan and I see my therapist about once every two weeks because of the holidays and events...
I'm beginning to get really depressed because my anxiety is lessening. Why am I depressed? Let me explain.
For the last week, I felt normal. It was absolutely wonderful. I haven't felt that good in months! I barely thought of my fear and if I did, I pushed it out of my mind with no trouble at all.
Yesterday though, I woke up, and within an hour I began to feel antsy. It was very mild all day, just my usual feeling of butterflies in my stomach, and the very lethargic feeling. When my husband woke up that evening (he works third shift and sleeps all day) we went and picked up dinner from Cracker Barrel and brought it home to my brother in law and daughter. We all ate, and afterwards everyone settled in to watch television. I was laying on the couch, holding my daughter when a tissue commercial came on (you might know the one, with the little cartoon boy whose nose catches fire because it's been wiped so many times?) Within seconds, I had to get up, and I ran down the hall to my bedroom in a panic.
In there, I sat on the floor and began doing the steps my therapist suggested, deep breathing, and doing this thing where I write my fear/obsessive thought on a piece of paper over and over again, each time ranking my anxiety from 0 to 100. I filled two and a half sheets of paper front and back, but never fully calmed down. My husband eventually made me take an ativan, and soon and I was calm enough, though I was so drained from the attack that I was kind of out of it.
So basically...I'm upset because I felt like I was feeling better, only to have it come back with a vengeance. I am so tired of all of this. I'm tired of being afraid, I am tired of being depressed. It was such a tease to feel so good, to feel so normal only to be brought back down by all of this. I know there are going to be setbacks... I know... but... this just...blows.
A good friend of mine told me to look at anxiety and episodes like that as a sickness no different than the flu. One day, I might be ok...I might feel fine...but then on a day like yesterday I was just, "sick with the flu."
It's so hard to do, and I try to live each day in the present, I really do...but sometimes it is hard not to look to the future, or even to look into the past. I catch myself doing that quite often, looking back into the past and worrying if I am going to live this day in fear...
I just wish I could feel better again.