RT24
10-14-2013, 04:30 PM
Hi everyone. Lately I can't seem to stop worrying about developing psychosis, especially schizophrenia. Ever since I got a psychiatric evaluation, it's been on my mind constantly. I worry about hearing voices or hallucinating and losing touch with reality and keep taking random online "tests" to see if I have any signs. I don't know of anyone in my family who has it, or any psychosis (though we have lots of anxiety and OCD sufferers). I find conspiracy theories eyeroll-worthy, don't think I have any kind of mystical powers (I had really bad scrupulosity for a while because of my OCD--but I was more worried about offending God as one person among billions and not because I was some chosen agent of Him with a special power or connection or something), and I generally consider myself fairly sensitive to the suffering and experiences of others even if I can't relate and highly empathetic towards other people (actually, I think I've become MORE empathetic in the last couple of years). I also greatly enjoy the company of others and communicating with people instead of just being alone with my thoughts. This should be reassuring, I guess. But I can't stop worrying.
I had a tendency to get hypnagogic auditory hallucinations when I'm falling asleep, usually when I'm trying to stay awake but can't, or if I'm worried when I'm in bed. Sometimes it's a loud wooshing noise, sometimes I hear a voice in my head yelling or calling me. I used to get them a lot when I was playing a game or on my phone in bed and was nodding off--it'd generally jerk me awake. I always figured it was just normal because I was falling asleep. I didn't get them much recently, either. But I sometimes hear "voices" when I'm laying in bed--thoughts that don't feel like mine that come into my head with their own voices. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts like this during the day too. But the thing is, I never thought of them as voices or entities. I always figured they were just intrusive thoughts, and I always figured they came from me, just having some misfires in my brain. They don't speak to me or even really mean anything--they often come in the form of random, disjointed phrases (like a man's voice saying "Man you just made my whole life right there") or sometimes it's like one of my thoughts popped out of nowhere (when thinking about marriage, "But I have all the time in the world to get married"). Like I said, it only once crossed my mind that these could be "voices"--and it was a scary thought. And it only seems to be happening since my OCD became bad, which makes me more paranoid that it's schizophrenia coming through after laying dormant. But recently it's been bugging me a lot. I also keep reflecting on my life and second guessing a lot of it (when I was a kid I'd occasionally think maybe people could read my mind, though in the back of my mind I always knew this was silly).
My parents insist I'm fine and that if I were truly schizophrenic, it would have shown when I was growing up. But I really disagree and worry about this!! I'm so scared. Anyone else have this?
I had a tendency to get hypnagogic auditory hallucinations when I'm falling asleep, usually when I'm trying to stay awake but can't, or if I'm worried when I'm in bed. Sometimes it's a loud wooshing noise, sometimes I hear a voice in my head yelling or calling me. I used to get them a lot when I was playing a game or on my phone in bed and was nodding off--it'd generally jerk me awake. I always figured it was just normal because I was falling asleep. I didn't get them much recently, either. But I sometimes hear "voices" when I'm laying in bed--thoughts that don't feel like mine that come into my head with their own voices. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts like this during the day too. But the thing is, I never thought of them as voices or entities. I always figured they were just intrusive thoughts, and I always figured they came from me, just having some misfires in my brain. They don't speak to me or even really mean anything--they often come in the form of random, disjointed phrases (like a man's voice saying "Man you just made my whole life right there") or sometimes it's like one of my thoughts popped out of nowhere (when thinking about marriage, "But I have all the time in the world to get married"). Like I said, it only once crossed my mind that these could be "voices"--and it was a scary thought. And it only seems to be happening since my OCD became bad, which makes me more paranoid that it's schizophrenia coming through after laying dormant. But recently it's been bugging me a lot. I also keep reflecting on my life and second guessing a lot of it (when I was a kid I'd occasionally think maybe people could read my mind, though in the back of my mind I always knew this was silly).
My parents insist I'm fine and that if I were truly schizophrenic, it would have shown when I was growing up. But I really disagree and worry about this!! I'm so scared. Anyone else have this?