Hi Everyone

[cm1983]

Hi, I have just joined this site and look forward to reading more posts on here about everyones experiences with anxiety.
I guess my first question would be, how do you let people know what you are going through? I always feel bad when i am not feeling up to chatting to friends or having visitors etc, but im always making excuses and sometimes family members will scoff at me for not coming out to meet for coffee etc, its hard to not get angry and say 'im feeling doom and gloom, ive had 10 panic attacks today and i feel like curling up into a ball" as much as id like to. Id like to tell the truth but without sounding dramatic or feeling sorry for myself. Actually i guess what has lead me to to asking this is that i have a neighbour who is always always always knocking on my door, coming around, wanting to chat, wanting advice, etc etc etc...... Perhaps ive come across as carefree and welcoming most times which makes him think any time is a good time for a chat (even knocking at 10.00 at night sometimes!!), but sometimes i really want to lock myself in when im having a terribly anxious day and he'll just not get the message. Its actually causing me more anxiety as im always feeling like turning the lights off early just so i dont have to answer the door. I shouldnt have to tip toe around my own home!!
How do you politely say youre not "feeling well" but i dont just mean im coming down with something!!!
I hope my question and examples make sense.

Look forward to hearing from anyone.

CM :)

[tailspin]

Hi CM. Welcome to the site! You ask a really great question! I wish I had a great answer, but the truth is it IS really difficult to know what to say to people about having an Anxiety Disorder. I am a very open person, I really wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't generally have a problem being upfront about things and talking about how I feel. But with my Anxiety Disorder - and to a lesser extent depression too - it's been tricky because most people just don't get it!!! It's very frustrating to be misunderstood and it feels horrible to be met with blank stares, so now I just say something else to most people (I am honest with my family and close friends and, thankfully, they do more or less get it). I get migraines sometimes so that is a good excuse for me because it's honest, even if it doesn't begin to cover the whole story of my anxiety. Perhaps with your family you could be more honest, but with someone like your neighbor - who, by the way, sounds like he is really overstepping boundaries!!!! - you could just say you're tired, or you have a headache.

On a side note, I had a neighbor who was similar. When my husband and I first moved to our current house, there was this one woman who just would not stop coming over and/or calling up. I guess she had been very friendly with the previous owners of our house. But anyhow, it got to the point where I started pretending I wasn't home and I would dread going out in my front yard to do yard work because I would know this person would walk past and start chatting at some point. She would even start calling up at work and it was all becoming very intrusive. Finally I thought to myself, this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!! So I'm afraid I sort of exploded at this woman (definitely NOT the best way to handle it!!). One time I was sitting in our den which looks out on to our front garden and I suddenly saw this face peering in through the window. It scared the crap out of me because I just looked up and there was this face staring in my window! Of course it was this woman! So I went outside and let rip and told her she was way overstepping her boundaries and I was tired of her not respecting my right to privacy etc etc. She looked mortified and she scurried away and since then (and this was about 5 years ago) she hasn't said a word to me and doesn't come near our house! Like I say, I definitely did not handle this situation well, but at least I have this woman out of my hair!! I would try a calmer approach with your neighbor, but I would definitely try and set some boundaries because, in my experience, if you don't, then he might just become more and more intrusive!

Sorry to write so much!!!! Again, welcome to the site, CM!!!

[littleone123]

Iv found that being so open about my anxiety to people actually relieves the stress. All u want to do is tell them the truth and for them to understand right? And worrying about what excuse to come up with can potentially be stressful? An that stress can bring on worry? What if they don't understand? What if they laugh? What if they tell me I'm stupid for worrying? People without anxiety don't understand and potentially never will and I find explaining to my boyfriend my symptoms sometimes makes no difference because unless someone experiences those symptoms they can't quite get it and because we look ok on the outside there is no physical damage to us to the other person.

The way I have played it is to be honest, I even had a job interview once and they asked why I left my last job and I said it was because of anxiety an I still got the job. Explain to them that anxiety is something that hundreds and thousands of people experience but everyone's body reacts to it differently ur family should understand mine are great with me, my friends sort of get it but I hardly get invited out because they know I struggle to go. But other times I go and I have the best night it just depends on the day.

Sorry to write loads but maybe telling Someone will help you to take a weight off.

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hey, CM welcome here ! :)

That's funny about the neighbor story, Tailspin...I'm beginning to wonder if it is a common neighborhood thing? I mean, there seems to always be this one person who will bother you at all times of the day, and make it to where you don't want to walk outside because of said neighbor! I mean, literally I had to look out the window and race to my mailbox (that just had to be across the street) and get back inside record time before they notice you...There was a situation like that in a neighborhood I once lived in...never ripped her a new one, but boy it would've felt good to scream at her...she too would peer into the window (frightening) and become quite nosy and very demanding...It. Was. Insanely. Ridiculous.
.......The thing I hate is that you were nice to this person, holding it in for so long, being patient with her, and with one blow up, now she's written you off forever? Kinda seems harsh when she was the one being all nosy and invasive in the first place.....but at least she doesn't bother you anymore!!

Er, back on point, CM..... to handle your problem with your neighbor..I am certain that this neighbor of yours will keep extending their boundaries if you don't lay them down first...the more you give, the more they take....the problem is how to do it kindly...you could try explaining your situation. I mean, if you have to deal with them daily and they are in your life, it's probably inevitable and making them understand a little bit is probably best. They keep wanting to talk to you, you can't keep saying you have a headache or some other excuse cause they'll probably tend to think somethings up and that you are avoiding them on purpose, thus hurt their feelings, and then they'll get mad that way...good luck ..... :)

Or, unless you really like this neighbor, you could always just go all "Tailspin" on 'em... :P

[tailspin]

Or, unless you really like this neighbor, you could always just go all "Tailspin" on 'em... :P

OMG! This made me laugh so hard!!!!! :) :)

I should add that a couple of other neighbors have since told me that they have also had problems with this woman being a busybody, so it wasn't entirely a case of me going psycho on her!!!). As, NeverToo.....Fear says, I guess every neighborhood has one!!! It's also true when NeverToo says that the headache excuse will likely start to wear thin quite quickly in this instance.

The thing about these types of busybody neighbors is though, that even if you didn't have any kind of anxiety disorder at all, their behavior is still out of line and you have every right to ask them to respect your need for privacy. With the woman I was talking about, it wasn't my anxiety which made me not want to spend time with her, I just genuinely found her behavior intrusive and I didn't enjoy talking to her much. Do you think you would like to be friends with your neighbor, albeit see less of them? Or do you not really like this person and not care if you don't spend any more time with them? I guess that also determines how to handle this. I know it's hard to set boundaries in a kind way, even though it is often very necessary.

On another note I think it's great that littleone was able to be so honest about her anxiety at her job interview and that she got the job!

[Dahila]

Welcome to the forum Cm.
I have no experience in telling the people about my anxiety. I have one friend and she knows and understands it. The rest of the people when I say about stress and anxiety, look at me and ask what anxiety. People who do not suffer with it, they do not understand it. We are very sensitive people, we do not want to hurt others feeling. and others use us, for their selfish reasons; boredom, problems, loneliness and ext.... I had situation like you or Tailspin twice, and gosh , I had to move to different neighborhood. I could not handle it. From this time on, I set my boundaries on very beginning. I keep my distance, and actually it is much better this way. When I feel lonely, I come here....:)

[cm1983]

Thanks for all your replies everyone! Helpful and funny too. Yes, i think the mistake i make is being too friendly in the beginning with people, and perhaps too open which makes them feel comfortable enough to over step the line with me. Im learning my lesson with this. I do like my neighbour, we happen to know a couple of the same friends (which i think is another reason why he feels he's closer with me than i feel we are!). I do enjoy his company and sometimes we might go to the cafe or have lunch together so i don't want to hurt his feelings or cut him off entirely. As i was writing this, he came past and sat down and put all his shopping down outside my door to chat, so i stood at the door to chat but i had to make myself say "Look ive really got to go and sort some work out on my computer before so and so gets here"... Hes going through a bad time and might be getting evicted soon which makes me feel even worse (another problem i have where i seem to love to take on peoples problems and worry for them? hahah), i know he wants to chat but i dont want to hear the same complaining every day about his situation as there is nothing i can do to help him financially. You're right Tailspin, about how even if there was no anxiety disorder at all, their behaviour being still out of line - I kind of think if i didnt have anxiety i would be so much better at being direct with people. But instead i trip over my words, go red in the face, and end up saying the opposite of what i meant! Guess it all takes practice doesnt it.
I think a bit of me not telling people about my anxiety is stubbornness- like i dont want people feeling sorry for me or trying to intervene. which is silly really isnt it? Instead i put myself into a stressful situation that i dont like and make myself feel worse. Another thing to practice saying :-)
Glad to hear im not the only one with Neighbourly problems. haha

[tailspin]

Hi again CM! It's great you were able to tell your neighbor earlier today that you needed to get back to the computer to finish something off. I think that sounds like absolutely the right approach. I definitely understand that you don't want to upset him since you do enjoy getting together sometimes and you have a couple of mutual friends. It is definitely a bit of a tricky situation, especially if he is having a hard time and is looking for an extra ear. But still, you need your privacy and downtime too!

Perhaps you could enlist the help of one of your mutual friends? As in, mention to them that this guy is going through a rough patch and then perhaps one of your mutual friends could call him and go out with him a bit, and that might then relieve the pressure on you?

I know what you mean about taking on other people's problems and worrying on their behalf! But it's really important to put our own needs at the forefront too!!

Wishing you all the best and let us know how things are going, CM!

[Dahila]

Cm one step a day :))

[AdMasai]

Hey cm,

I can totally relate to you - never know what to tell my friends, when they call n want to hag out. Sick of coming up with different excuses... And never feel comfortable enough sharing my anxiety with them. Like we all know- ppl who don't have anxiety, just don't get it! They think we're nuts! Or hallucinating... Which technically is what we do!! :) but not quite! And ya I also feel bad burdening ppl with my issues! Like its enough that I have to deal with it! Why make someone else involved too! And feel sorry for me... All of that stuff! So I pretty much don't share my anxiety with anyone! Even on this forum! Joined a while ago, but just been reading other threads, which has at times been a big help, just knowing I'm not the only one with this insane mental issue... But havnt really left any comments till now. Figure I'd start, maybe I could find some good ppl here, who really understand and care! :) so ya, any tips on explaining anxiety to ppl?? Or maybe just stick with chatting to ppl like you guys!! :D