Early empty nest syndrome?

[lcdream]

Hi,
I'm new here and really struggling. My daughter is 14 and wonderful. She has been pulling away lately for normal teenage reasons - wanting to hang with friends, close the door to her room, etc. Normal, healthy stuff! It has absolutely crushed me. I am in a state of manic anxiety 24/7 (only sleeping about 3 hours a night). I have constant thoughts about time passing, my daughter leaving, aging, death. It is unrelenting. I realize that OCCASIONAL thoughts like this are normal. You come across her old stuffed animals in the garage and get a bittersweet tug at your heart, maybe even shed a tear if you are extra sensitive. But this is different. It is non-stop and irrational - everything I look at and touch, every conversation I have, it is tainted by these thoughts of aging and death. It is such a doomed, empty hole-in-the heart feeling. Constant lump in the throat and I can't eat. I'm only managing to choke down about 200 or 300 calories a day. Maybe 500 if I am lucky. I know I should exercise but I am worried about the lack of calories as it is. Not to mention the racing heart and tight throat.

Sometimes I will sob and cry quite severely, and that almost feels good/normal, like a grieving process?? I have heard that empty nest is basically grief. And I wish with all of my heart that that is "all" it was. I don't mind feeling the sadness...letting myself go thorugh it (albeit freakishly early). But the constant thoughts/anxiety have me terrified because there is no relief. None.

This has been going on for about 2 weeks.

I should mention that I am 40, my daughter is an only child, and my 20-year marriage is stable (but I'm not "in love" and there is a lot of resentment).

I had severe PPD when my daughter was born. Ultimately helped by SSRI but I don't remember which one. Also had severe depression and anxiety in 2005 and 2009. Wellbutrin helped in 2009. No problems from 2010 to 2013. Then in March of this year I developed the same doomed thought spiral (similar to what is going on now) for 3-4 days and it went away on its own. It was like a miracle. Never thought that could happen. Unfortunately it is back now and not going away...seems to be getting worse each day as a matter of fact.

I have an appt with a psychiatrist next week. Obviously I'm open to Wellbutrin again...but terrified it won't work *this time*.

[manz82]

Just a question and I hope I don't offend you - but do you think you're clinging to your only child because you feel she is all you have? You are unhappy in your marriage and you feel she is your only source of happiness? X

[lcdream]

Just a question and I hope I don't offend you - but do you think you're clinging to your only child because you feel she is all you have? You are unhappy in your marriage and you feel she is your only source of happiness? X

Absolutely. I'm fully aware that's the case. Knowing this doesn't help, somehow.

As I said, normal grief would be appropriate, and even welcome, given my circumstances. But the constant intrusive thoughts/anxiety about aging and death make me think that something is very, very wrong.

[manz82]

I don't think something is very wrong at all. I think you're fixating on 'losing' your mainstay (your daughter). Believe me when I say I know how you feel. I have a 14-year-old son and he's also at the stage where he doesn't need me so much any more. He recently got a girlfriend and when I found this out, a huge sense of loss and sickness overcame me. I thought 'This is it, I'm losing my baby boy!'
But then, I forced myself to look at it more positively - I have raised a beautiful, intelligent, kind young man and I am proud of him every day. I also know that when the day comes that he does fly the nest, he will always come back to me. And one day, he will make me a grandmother and I will be equally proud of my grandchildren. And I will have more little souls to dote on. It made me feel better immediately to think this way. X

[trinidiva]

Do you have any other activities you are a part of? I can understand how you are feeling, but sitting at home dwelling over it won't help you at all. What are some things you are interested in? I've always wanted to learn how to sew/knit.....yeah, sounds very grandma like..but I am always amazed at some of my friend's finished products.

And trust me....as much as your teenager acts like she doesnt need you, she WILL come around. I call my mom every day and share a lot of great experiences with her.

[sweetypie]

First of all, stop thinking you are some kind of freak or something. A lot of people go through similar things. In fact, I am almost positive that when I'm in the same situation as you, I will go through the same thing. I don't have kids yet, but I'm afraid to have them also partly because I know you raise them in hopes that one day you'll let them go free into the world. That sounds painful to me. I'm a very emotional person and imagine I'd be crying just as hard.

But you are a great mother because you recognize that what is happening with your daughter is a good thing. Even though your feelings tell you to cling to her, you're letting her be her own person. Do you know how many mothers won't act as maturely as you are acting if they were feeling the same thing? A lot of them aren't handling it as well as you are.

I agree with trinidiva-you are focused on dying because your daughter is your life and with her leaving, it feels like your life is over. What will help you most is to start an identity without her. Make some friends. Start some crafting classes or join some clubs. Show yourself that you still have a full life with plenty to do and you are nowhere near dead.

You also need to realize that you will never lose your daughter completely. She'll always need you. Just the idea of losing my mother makes me panic inside and makes most people feel that way.