Hear me out? :)

[hotchikisu]

Hello!
First of all I this is my first time in this forum, and I kind of feel relieved that I'm not the only one who experience anxiety disorder. I just want to hear your opinions on how I should handle all of these "symptoms" because they really mess up my life. :( I need an assurance if I really have anxiety disorder or I'm just really paranoid or what.

And probably having someone to hear my problems would make me feel better. I have never talked about with my problems with anybody else. Not even my parents or my closest friends. I always keep things to myself because one time I tried to tell someone my problems I just got shrugged off. Hopefully I'd be able to talk about my problems with someone from here. I would have gone to a psychologist now if I could, but in our country going to a psychologist is looked down upon and people are gonna assume you are crazy and will probably make me feel worse. And they're expensive (I'm just a student in a 3rd world country ._.).

Okay, to start off, I had always fear of speaking in front of people when I was younger. I was painfully shy since birth. When I was elementary, I don't speak at all, or I break down in front of class. Then high school, I transferred schools, and I knew no one in my new class. I still cry in front when there is a presentation, and I still don't speak at all. The worst part was I getting bullied by a girl who was seatmate for two years, well, because I was weird and I rarely speak. I think that bullying part really made it worse for me.

Then in college I was able to sum up a bit of courage, I was able to speak in front for the first time lol but I stuttered and my voice shivered. As of now I can speak in front (but not like a pro) and its really an achievement.

But still, my problem is that I still have occasional breakdowns when speaking in front of large crowds. Every time I have to speak in front of people, I experience chest pains, my hands get clammy, and my heartbeat goes crazy. And I tend to forget some of the things I have to say and the words get jumbled in my head (and I always regret it afterwards). It really affects my academics and social life :\

Also recently, I have certain days when I feel extremely depressed and just cry. This started last June and there have been already more than one instance where this happened to me. One time I locked myself in a closet for 10 minutes(I think) then I wasn't able to eat for the whole day. Another would be when I was left home alone, and just cried. I feel like shit for no reason.

I always wake up at 6AM unless I'm extremely tired.

I have a lot of memories I don't remember in high school. Particularly the first two years (that was when I got bullied because of my weirdness). And it feels like I had amnesia because I can't remember them AT ALL.

I can't speak in front of a crowd (5++ people?) even if they are my closest friends.

I don't answer phone calls from strangers.

I sweat a lot especially in social situations even if the weather is cold.

I don't have problems with my friends. But sometimes when we argue even about something the smallest things I get all paranoid and think of what were the things that I have done and they probably hate me.

Sometimes I fall asleep shortly for like, 10 seconds, and I have dreams longer that are longer than minutes. And these freak my friends out and they won't believe me.

I can't go for consultations to my college professors. I'm afraid they'll go mad at me for disturbing them or something.

I can't sleep unless I have taken a bath and brushed my teeth.

When I'm given a choice between two or more items that I want(example: food in supermarket), it takes so long before I can decide what to buy (even longer than my mom). I think a lot about the advantages and disadvantages of buying this thing over that.

I have more "symptoms" I experience but I guess it would be too long. I put here to most common ones and the ones that bother me the most.

[Olive Yew]

You COULD have social anxiety... Or you could be exceedingly introverted. I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist. But you may have some OCD in you too.... It'd probably do you good to go see a doctor or psychologist. If you dont mind me asking, what country do you live in?

[Ponder]

I'm no doc either, just a sufferer ... of many things. I can relate to a lot of what you've said ... in fact I'm sure many here could too. Biggest Issue that sounds most concerning out of all that "to me", is the depression you mention and the extent of it. Without dealing with that, I find the other forms of diffusional behavior & or fears (or whatever one wants to call it) is only inflated or becomes apparent. I got to also say man, that much of what you say is not excessive although it may be introverted ... but as long as your still able to get up and your not climbing the ceiling unable to reach your itch ... who cares what others think about that. Hell, I wish more people where introverted! If only!

Yea ... reading on you words get jumbled in my head routine ... hang on dude ... processing beep ... processing beep ... stutter slash stutter ... be right with ya ... sorry about this, sometimes words just slip on by ... allow me to pull out my diary and I'll check ...

That's hard core with the bullying ... that ^%$# sticks! No joke for that I'm afraid ... but liberating yourself is what you need to do! ... and making this post is a step in the right direction to be sure. Only hope you can come back and see that others care. I don't know and sorry if my tact is all screwy ... I feel for you 100% with the ridicule man. I've had a few intellectually Superior Girls mess with me and set me up to fall, time and time again...they are usually the bitter type, but you don't find that out till later...keep sifting through what you are now ... and for sure ... if your unable to see a therapist come back and just talk in here and any other self help forum. Some of the best therapist you can get is yourself ... all you got to do is open up just like you have now.

Does not have to make all that much sense ... I rarely do ... but I do try to keep a genuine tone ... long or short ... does not matter. I'm long winded, but just call me Dave.

I mean not to minimize or compare ... just from one bullied kid of long ago to another now in which you describe ... saying don't focus too much on the symptomatic resultant waves ... sure they make life difficult ... treating them will mean nothing if you don't tear apart all the layers we tend to cover ourselves in and get to the core ... like you did with the bullying description ... get into the stigma of it all and work on how that's made you feel and work on overcoming that!

It's not easy ... and most people will take the easy way out, despite always feeling the need to be sick.

I can't hold a job anymore and never really could ... I can communicate well in here, but believe me when I understand totally what it's like not being able to order a subway sandwich because of what the anxiety does to my brain. We live in a rush rush world, and what you we could all do with, is someone to simply just come up, put a hand on our shoulder and genuinely say "it's alright man, take your time, the sign says cheese, tomato and onion, do you want any of these or yadda yadda...." You know, once I nearly picked up a fridge and or ripped the doors off it in a shop because of my frustration with my brain messing up like so ...

I guess, I'm just trying to read the sign out a little here.
Best wishes to ya.
Dave. edit ... reason -> to replace smiley with "Hand Shake"

[Angie 91]

Dear hotchikisu,
I just want to say I read your post.
You sound very stressed by these circumstances, which I think is very understandable.
I'm very glad to hear you have some friends whom you like even though you guys argue a lot.
No matter what you should try to talk to someone so you can feel better. starting perhaps in here?
Also some of your problems might be physical? the 10 seconds sleep fx? maybe you should start out by seeing a regular doctor and get just a normal medical check then figure out what's next from there, Either way better to be able to rule out physical disease.
No matter what you should not feel bad like this.

Take care of yourself mate
-Angie