Obsessive Thoughts or OCD

[Sarah W]

I saw this pop article on line just last night and it made me consider how much I really do fixate and obsess over things. I've been experiencing relentless, practically every-waking-moment anxiety for about a year and a half now and it's just been the last couple of months that I've really come around and stopped doubting that that is what it is. I've been thinking I was mentally ill or that there was something medically wrong with me (that I refuse to check out because I feel like a hypochondriac)--mostly (I thought something was wrong) because it (what I was experiencing) would never go away and leave me alone.

But it's bad. The things that I thought made me crazy were these thoughts I have. Stuff that I thought only schizophrenics thought about like feeling watched or like people knew what you were thinking. I mean, I know that those are just thoughts, so I'm not crazy. But they make me uncomfortable and drive me nuts.

Way before I ever noticed any signs of anxiety, I've had many of these.

Come to think of it, I'm constantly preoccupied.

With superstitious thoughts. "Tests."

With evil thoughts I have. I mean really ugly thoughts. And I torture myself over them. I try to stifle them. I wonder why I have to think it. Like "do I really think that?" and "well, I'm thinking it, so yes. I think that. I'm evil and think these things".

If it's not something I'm ashamed of, it's the "delusional" thoughts. Those probably are secondary to the others and arise out of guilt. The things I know aren't real but I can't stop thinking them and feeling like they might be. I think something horrible while I'm interacting with someone and try to dismiss it, but it has barbs. Then I feel like it's only a matter of time until the person I'm talking to knows. Why would they? Because it's so uncomfortable to me that it's almost something tangible that they ought to be able to just see like anything else in front of them. I have "telepathic" exchanges with people--you know, fake conversations with someone where you're doing all the dialog. Why can't you stop? Do you believe that you're actually having a real exchange with this person? Are you confused? Do you want to? What the hell is your problem, you lunatic?!? Okay, so it's not real. Then why am I doing this? Is there any truth to it? Is this an exchange that could happen? Why would I make this up?

I got into a little flamer with a friend this year online where I basically said one thing, we went back and forth a couple of times, I went away and brooded about it until I forgot who initiated the interaction and said the thing I originally said, and then I came back and told him that he was the one who said it. He was like, "well, scroll up, it's all in writing". We haven't spoken again since. I feel like I'm totally nuts. How could I have done that? You know what it was, it wasn't wrong, I was just struggling to express that I felt like he was the one that said/thought that all along. But, my bad. Technically, I did actually say it first. I feel like it's harsh to write someone off completely for one sort of argument. Maybe I was right all along? Or maybe I was otherwise so unpleasant to be around...that I was right...all along!

So where on the spectrum of crazy are we, exactly? Do we still know what's real and what's not? Is this a mistake that anyone could make? Anyone with a problem with obsessing? Anyone who is legitimately mentally ill?

I know I derailed into banter, but there's nearly a look at what the stream looks like if I pin it up. All of this and much, much more I do all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Hallelujah, I have finally, after a couple of years, figured out why I'm so exhausted and why I'm always on edge. The only problem is that I don't really know how to change and don't really believe I can. I never thought of myself as a worrier, but I've always done this. Always. And it's only been relatively recently that I've begun feeling horrible and like I can't function as well as I used to. I kind of wish I could just go back to a time before there were consequences for thinking the way I do. But that's probably not going to happen.

At least now, I think I might have two things:
1. Proof beyond my ability to doubt that I, indeed, have a problem with anxiety.
2. An idea of what is generating most of it.

And maybe it's lazy, but God, I'm hoping that if I confess this I'll be able to let some of this go and trick myself into not doing it anymore and returning to a level of reasonable and consistent comfort. Like just putting a finger on it will alleviate it. Being reassured by the presence of bystanders who don't all scatter at this revelation. Well, I can't see you anyway. Or by actual reassurance someone also experiencing this would have to offer.

But that's it. That's actually it. I've figured out what it is this time. That can actually happen.

Note: I never would have thought OCD. Besides this need I have to express myself to a veiled audience and open myself up to a baffling array of opinions, any other "compulsions" I'd have would be more like quirks. But definitely the obsessive thing. No, that is real. Please let me make a liar out of myself and suddenly be cured. Fingers crossed. Eyelashes blown. ... I'll sleep on it.

[sweetypie]

I think the real difference between schizophrenics and someone with OCD thoughts is this:

1. Someone with schizophrenia will think a group of people or everyone is after hurting them. I've known a lot of schizophrenics and this is how they usually think.
2. Someone with OCD thoughts (which I get all the time), will be more focused on themselves. They'll think they are out of control or a terrible person because they are having these horrible thoughts in their mind.

Hope that makes sense.

But I get OCD thoughts all the time. It's the kind of OCD I have now. I used to have the ritual kind, too, but I only have the thoughts now.

Sometimes I'll be standing next to my friend and think something like,"What if I just punched her in the face right now? For absolutely no reason!" And then I get scared that I thought that because I'm a violent person who wants to punch people in the fact for no reason and I get really freaked out by myself and hysterical because I think I'm evil and out of control. Things like that. Even though I don't really want to punch her in the face. Just the thought of it scared me.

Is that what your thoughts are like? Where you think of doing something bad and then get scared of it? Or feeling something bad and then get scared of it?

Because I didn't fully understand what you typed up without asking questions.

[DamnAnxiety2hell]

I know how you feel. Anxiety in General causes thoughts like this, I used to think I was schizophrenic or have some sort of phycosis because my anxiety started from a marijuana induced panic attack, when I started having anxiety I started researching about what weed can do. Apparently it can trigger schizophrenia or phycosis. After reading that I spiralled down into paranoia and my anxiety went through the roof, it took me a while to concvincd myself I didn't have these problems. I started looking up the symptoms and I didn't have any, I even took a test and the results said I had no chance of having it.

After a while I realised that it was my anxiety just screwing with me. My anxiety at the moment is under control, whenever I start obsessing over something I just remember that it's just an illusion, it's not real.

[Sarah W]

At Sweetypie: I am neurotic and think that everything is my fault or that I'm in the wrong most of the time, but I do get paranoid thoughts beyond those I already listed. Ones that I have trouble not believing--mostly that everyone thinks of me with contempt. That probably is paranoia, maybe even delusion because I believe it, maybe I was groomed to, but I don't typically have thoughts that people want to actually harm me. If I have, those have passed much more easily than others. I get the thought when I'm out alone that I might be assaulted, but that doesn't seem that paranoid. Probably unlikely depending on the circumstances, but it's something that happens plenty enough to justify that worry. However, my mother has always been paranoid while I was growing up and I could never tell how much of it was well-founded and how much was insanity. I can't be sure how much of my thinking patterns are conditioning and how much are organic illness. Maybe it becomes the same thing. I hope not. Or at least, that intervention is possible. I've been afraid since I was a teenager that I would end up like my mother.

At DamnAnxiety2Hell: Yeah, I didn't start having an actual problem with anxiety until about a month or two after a bad pot experience. I became derealized for at least four months starting that summer and didn't really start feeling normal again until the next year. I worked on a project for a month that I liked that had little pressure. But that ended and shortly after the next semester started my anxiety popped up in a different form.

When it came back, I was most acutely aware of how it was affecting my vision, and until this day these symptoms still haven't really abated but they have lessened. I can't stop worrying that they're arising from something that is not anxiety even though I see them wax and wane depending on how I'm feeling. I think they probably never go away because I'm never really not anxious anymore. It's the convincing beyond my capacity to worry that is so difficult.

I guess, to close, it's hard to not feel like I'm crazy because I have a family history of some mental illness and have been waiting my whole life to develop it. I have the *obsessive thought* that I'm never alone to the point that I almost believe that I am not. I have *heard whispering* in past, not currently, but off and on since I was a teenager (probably since I began worrying I would lose my mind someday). I wouldn't characterize it as a hallucination. It's like a sound, but it's not actually audible most of the time. It's probably closer to a thought, but it's not like my other thoughts either--those are usually less tangible. I've described it to several psychiatrists/psychologists and they never seemed particularly concerned about it. It's not like it's ever done much besides say my name or try to startle or antagonize me. Could be a trick of the ears. That could be a red flag that there is or has been something more going on, but I think the constantly obsessing over everything explanation is adequate.

Oh, also, (Sweetypie) I get the urge to punch someone in the face about once a day--I work in customer service at the moment, so I usually get it after I feel a bit antagonized or like I've been condescended to. I don't feel bad about it at all. It's never something I would do. I'm sure you'd never hit anyone either. It's never really occurred to me to feel bad about it. The thoughts I do get that I'm ashamed of I'm too ashamed to admit here because I feel like they're the kinds of things that would make people think I'm a monster even though I'm not trying to think them and don't, like, support them. Though the content may not be the same, I guess our experience is the same. I think something bad and then get scared, yeah.

On that, I have kind of split off the way I think--out of guilt, I guess--into several levels: Your mind is a vast reservoir--uh, metaphor--tank of water. At the bottom are ping pong balls on their ways, floating to the top. Before they get to the top, they're below your conscious awareness. When one gets to the top, it's one level of thought. Another is the result of taking these things and trying to combine them into a "real" thought, to express yourself or figure something out. Another is that intangible thing that picks which balls to use and how to arrange them. I guess that neglects incoming information, but that is how I would think of it. The things I feel so guilty about are some of those balls floating to the top. That guilt is an intangible thing that accidentally picks them up and arranges them into the repetitive, mind-numbing result I wind up experiencing and feeling more guilty about--which in the end is no more intended than any of the balls that make their way to the top. Discomfort begets obsession and more discomfort which in turn...it has a life of its own.

Thanks.

:)

[sweetypie]

I think with a lot of mental problems, we think if we have them that we are a huge freak or a super evil monster and that no one could possibly relate to us ever.

I also have mental illness that runs in my family, including schizophrenia, so I fear getting it, too. But I think that's because society judges it so much. I've known a lot of schizophrenics, even some that functioned really well in society and had a lot of control over the voices they heard or delusions they had because of their medication.

My Mom had schizophrenia. She saw demons and heaven and talked to God and stuff, none of which I believe is real anymore, although she convinced me it was real as a kid. I get scared of turning into my mother, too. She's very nice now and has a good hold on her mental state, but when I was a child, she beat me (and her mother beat her when she was a child, too, even worse than she beat me.) So I get scared of turning into that.

But something that's important to accept, it will relieve your anxiety about it as well, is that even if you get something like schizophrenia, it doesn't automatically make you evil or a monster.

Whatever OCD thoughts we have, we always think are the worst thoughts in the world and no one can ever accept us for having them ever. It might help, if you ever feel comfortable, talking about them in more detail over PMs with me. I have bad thoughts I wouldn't be comfortable sharing on here, too. I doubt your "bad" thoughts are really as bad as you think they are. They are usually actually what you are most horrified of doing, rather than what you actually desire to do, if that makes sense. And your brain convinces you that because you are thinking about them, you actually desire to do them. It convinces you that you are a terrible person.

I've had inappropriate violent thoughts, sexual thoughts, blasphemous thoughts, all kind of thoughts. And I just feel like clutching my head and crying and begging the thoughts to go away, but of course, acting that way, just makes them happen more rapidly.

I think you for sure have anxiety problems, though. Although it's best to see a therapist about these things. They can be really, really helpful.

[Sarah W]

Thanks, Sweetypie. What you've said really resonates with me. We've got bipolar in my family and my mother did pretty much the exact same thing with the exclusion of thinking she had actually talked to God. Though my grandmother (her mother) convinced herself once she was going to be married to Jesus and went wandering off on an episode, inviting everyone to her wedding. I wouldn't characterize my mother as physically abusive but she did go nutso occasionally growing up and wale on us for no reason. She tried to strangle me once because I told her I hated her. She sort of kidnapped me and my brother twice when I was a teenager. The most disturbing thing is something that I will never be sure was real: we went out somewhere and she went out of her way to not take me home (she had lost custody by then). There was a bag of lime and a shovel in the back. I knew she was mad at me. I jumped out of the car and ran away at a traffic light. I'll still never know what her intentions were or if I was jumping to conclusions but I wouldn't behave any differently now if I was put in the same situation with her (I understand that thinking that way would be really paranoid if it was just anyone, but it wasn't when it came to her. You could never really know what mood she was going to be in before you saw her.). She is better now. She's almost like a normal person. I don't think she's on any medication either. I still won't get in a car with her or put myself in any situation with her where she is in control. I see her once every month or two now. I won't let her force any intimacy with me and I think we're past her trying--probably because she thinks I'm mean and spiteful or unaware of my behavior. She doesn't worry about being mentally ill all the time, like I do, as far as I can tell. So that gives me hope that we're afflicted by completely different things (though she says she has problems with anxiety).

I think keeping in mind that being mentally ill wouldn't make you a bad person helps somewhat, but I'm honestly more concerned with how much more unpleasant it would be to be mentally ill if I feel like this now...all the things I could do if I felt better that I would miss out on...

Some of the thoughts that really get their hooks in me are sexually perverted or racist. I don't know why. I guess I really don't want to be a pervert or racist. That's what disturbs me. I don't really get any thoughts about violence that disturb me, for whatever reason. Sometimes I get competitive thoughts and it disturbs me that I think I might want to see someone fail rather than succeed. Especially if it's someone I do care about. I would always do whatever I could to help someone, but I can't stop the thought. I'd really hate to be judged by my passing thoughts--and that is when the "what if others can read my mind?" thought comes in. What if they knew I was betraying them? Because having the thought feels like the same thing as making the unwanted overture, dehumanizing the person you're interacting with or wishing that they would fail. Only it's a secret.

If only I was pure and it never even occurred to me to think these awful things, I guess. If only I could brood about things all the time, be self-obsessed and not feel awful.

I wish just being able to intellectualize this would make it stop. That there would be the "now you've thought about this correctly and things will be alright from now on" ribbon to run through. But there's no ribbon. And things aren't alright, or else I wouldn't have lost the last couple of years to a blossoming anxiety disorder. I've been spending the last year preparing to never feel normal again or experience the quality of life I had before or have the edge I think I used to. Trying to muddle through even though most of the time the discomfort I'm feeling makes me feel like everything in my surroundings is repellant. I've established now that I can't simply wait it out. I think tailoring my life (chucking bad habits that exacerbated the condition) to mitigate my anxiety has helped somewhat, along with coming closer to accepting that that is what I actually have. Things are gradually getting better and hopefully I'll feel comfortable in my own skin again by the time I'm thirty.

I claimed that I've nearly always thought like this, but it was only relatively recently that I fell off of a cliff. Is that similar to your experience? Being fine with a certain level of maladjustment long enough for it to become totally ingrained and then, after some stressor, losing your grip?

[sweetypie]

I think that is normal. With anxiety, suddenly everything just becomes too much and you have trouble handling normal mundane things. Right now, some of my anxiety has to do with my relationship with my fiance. So while in the past, I felt very relaxed around him all the time, now I freak out about little things.

What I read is that these bad thoughts cross the minds of most people briefly every day, but when you have OCD, you become fixated on them. Most people forget the thought immediately because they know that's not who they really are, but with OCD, you can't stop thinking about them because they are so taboo. The more taboo the thought is to you, the more scared you are by it and the more you obsess over it. Once you accept that you have those thoughts, then you stop having them.

You don't have to share with people these bad thoughts, everyone's journey is different, I was just sharing one thing that's helped me. I've told my fiance about most of them and his understanding and him saying he had had similar thoughts before, helped me accept some of them and get past them.

[Sarah W]

Thank you.

[Sarah_1292]

I have these and they've been terrible! really terrible, thoughts I won't share with anyone else, until I found this site.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=10
You know your not alone, and some of the thoughts people have you can probably really relate to, give that link a good looking over though! stick in there, thoughts can really be horrible but remember there just thoughts :/ even if they do dominate your life from waking up to sleeping, mines seemed to have disappeared over the last 2 days somehow...sometimes you can just snap out of it, I think your body because so exhausted, I kept saying to myself "shut the f*** up stop torturing me" asthough I was talking to me unwanted thoughts! It did actually help (I never spoke out loud just in my head) and I exhaled as I finished my "telling off" and it was almost like I was ridding that thought as I exhaled. It does take a while so don't try it and wonder why it hasn't worked your just effectively mediating your mind :)
"Note: I never would have thought OCD."

That was my exact thoughts too, never did I ever establish a connection, but again, reading that link I sent, I realised it was indeed anxiety. what you explained there sounds just like me writing it! there awful and they control and they argue with your inner self, your inner self knows the truth..but this lingering thought at the front of your mind seems to think it know's better! Its just not nice at all! I do hope that link helps you like it helped me!

[Sarah W]

Thanks. It makes me feel better to be able to identify what I'm experiencing. Ha ha. I have yelled out-loud at myself. Sort of. It's like someone's constantly berating you. Nagging you. Even putting you down. And their goal is to destroy you rather than help you.

I also saw this on there:


Obsession about sensations or getting better

What you feel:

This a big one. A thought process develops where the person is constantly trying to figure this illness out, or is constantly checking their body for twinges, aches or pains, and odd sensations. They also begin checking (often referred to as 'testing') their mental thoughts to see if there is a hint of physical or mental illness somewhere. As a person begins to get better, this process seems more entrenched and becomes more apparent. Also, they may find them self doing this at every leisure moment, then getting into a mental battle with them self to try and stop doing it. It may also seem that their mind is always 'going', and they can't seem to stop from thinking, analyzing and problem solving about getting better.
What causes this:

This symptom is very common. Sometimes people may even feel that they have obsessive compulsive disorder because of the obsessive nature of the thoughts they generate.

Sustained ill health will often lead the individual to dwell on it, especially if it is something that appears as mysterious as anxiety disorder can often seem. With symptoms that are often confusing and surreal, attacks that can render anyone fearful, and a cure apparently nowhere to be found, it's understandable why we can end up focusing our entire attention on it.

If you experience this symptom, the important thing to remember is that this is a developed mental habit, not a serious mental condition. And, as with any habit it can be replaced with a healthier habit.

When you feel yourself experiencing this symptom:

Recognize that this is a symptom of an over stimulated nervous system.
Do your best to remain calm.
Recognize that it is a mental habit, not a result of a serious mental illness.
Thought stop or thought swap with another affirming or more pleasant thought.
Take a few moments to relax and deep breath.
Carry on with a distracting activity.
Rest, understanding, thought stopping and thought swapping will help to diminish this symptom. It's important to truly identify it as a symptom and not a condition.
Remember, it too will go away when the body and nervous system get sufficient rest. If it seems to be lingering, then it has become a habit and one that you can replace.

I do this with my visual symptoms and my level of tension in general. The visual symptoms are so persistent that I constantly worry that they can't be anxiety, because...I underestimate my ability to remain in the same mental state for God knows how long...thinking that surely they would have gone away on their own by now if I had relaxed at any point in the last year.

Thanks again!

[sweetypie]

OMG! Thank you so much for that link, Sarah_1292. I really want to cry now because I already have found people that had some of the same obsessive thoughts as me. Like, there's a woman on there who gets afraid she cheated and gets scared of getting false memories and sometimes gets false memories. I get those SO MUCH. I love my fiance so much, so I have this obsessive fear that I'm going to cheat or that I am going to make up a memory where I've cheated even though I am competely disgusted with cheating and it goes against my personality. I have vivid dreams sometimes about cheating where I cry and cry and cry when I wake-up and I've cried watching TV Shows where people cheat on their spouses. It's so bad that in real life, I avoid speaking to men and get scared of them because I'm scared they'll convince me to cheat. It made me feel better to read about a pregnant woman having the same crazy thoughts.

[HW99]

visit the site that was mentioned n m p.co.uk (no. more panic ?) at your own risk...more info available.

[Sarah_1292]

OMG! Thank you so much for that link, Sarah_1292. I really want to cry now because I already have found people that had some of the same obsessive thoughts as me. Like, there's a woman on there who gets afraid she cheated and gets scared of getting false memories and sometimes gets false memories. I get those SO MUCH. I love my fiance so much, so I have this obsessive fear that I'm going to cheat or that I am going to make up a memory where I've cheated even though I am competely disgusted with cheating and it goes against my personality. I have vivid dreams sometimes about cheating where I cry and cry and cry when I wake-up and I've cried watching TV Shows where people cheat on their spouses. It's so bad that in real life, I avoid speaking to men and get scared of them because I'm scared they'll convince me to cheat. It made me feel better to read about a pregnant woman having the same crazy thoughts.



Im so happy to help! I get obsessive thoughts about 'if I love my fiance or not' I do love him but my head keeps questioning if hes the one, and then it starts with the 'nah this isnt anxiety or ocd you actually cant be with him hes too good to you, you should feel bad for leading him on!' stupid right, my minds at constant battle! It went away for 3 days...until my partner told me his cousin and his partner split up because 'she didnt love him anymore' boom the thoughts flooding back, they dominate my every waking hour, I tell him and he understands, the more fun we have together the more my ocd trys to ruin it. We could be play fighting and laughing loads and for a split second I realize I feel normal and panic straight back to intrusive obsessions. I hate now how feeling ?normal' immediately alerts me..sorry for all that!

[Sarah W]

"I hate now how feeling ?normal' immediately alerts me"--great quote. You say to yourself 'hey, I think I feel okay---okay, no I don't. Now I don't.'

[Sarah_1292]

Yep, Exactly! and then you want to just cry forever because you're so fed up by this point! "I was feeling ok then I went and questioned myself!!" ugh

[sweetypie]

Im so happy to help! I get obsessive thoughts about 'if I love my fiance or not' I do love him but my head keeps questioning if hes the one, and then it starts with the 'nah this isnt anxiety or ocd you actually cant be with him hes too good to you, you should feel bad for leading him on!' stupid right, my minds at constant battle! It went away for 3 days...until my partner told me his cousin and his partner split up because 'she didnt love him anymore' boom the thoughts flooding back, they dominate my every waking hour, I tell him and he understands, the more fun we have together the more my ocd trys to ruin it. We could be play fighting and laughing loads and for a split second I realize I feel normal and panic straight back to intrusive obsessions. I hate now how feeling ?normal' immediately alerts me..sorry for all that!

OMG! I have the exact same anxiety issues. I get scared all the time that I don't love my fiance anymore, even though deep down inside, I know I do, I'm just scared.

I also get anxiety that he's going to break up with me all the time and is sick of me, so it's this horrible ping pong thing where I panic and think I might not be in love with him anymore and then panic because he might leave me and I am a terrible person.

Lately it's been somewhat better. I haven't doubted that I am in love with him, but I keep panicking over every problem we have as if it's a disaster that's going to break us up. Like, he said he was burnt out on TV and I thought that meant we had nothing in common anymore and had to break-up, as ridiculous as that is!

[blondieqtpie]

Anxiety and OCD often go together. OCD you obsess over a thought and feel compulsive to do it--- if not you most likely feel anxious.
I've always had OCDS. My anxiety was triggered from PTSD later on in my life.
I've stopped some OCDS, that I worked on because they were too disruptive in my life which took a lot. Mind over matter. Others I've accepted as part of my quirkiness.
If your OCD IS disruptive or harmful yourself or others than maybe try to stop it. If its not a big deal in my opinion it's not a big deal.

[Sarah_1292]

OMG! I have the exact same anxiety issues. I get scared all the time that I don't love my fiance anymore, even though deep down inside, I know I do, I'm just scared.

I also get anxiety that he's going to break up with me all the time and is sick of me, so it's this horrible ping pong thing where I panic and think I might not be in love with him anymore and then panic because he might leave me and I am a terrible person.

Lately it's been somewhat better. I haven't doubted that I am in love with him, but I keep panicking over every problem we have as if it's a disaster that's going to break us up. Like, he said he was burnt out on TV and I thought that meant we had nothing in common anymore and had to break-up, as ridiculous as that is!


Yeah I know exactly what that's like, its actually called "ROCD" (Relationship obsessive compulsive Disorder) I've been ok the passed few days too, I've been feeling great and I too haven't been questioning anything, in fact been enjoying my time with him ect! Its weird your now worrying about him leaving you because I'm also worrying he's going to get "fed up" of my constant shit i carry (anxiety ect) I do tell him though how I'm feeling and he just gets it! I think I worry too that the feelings he has towards me will go away as I know he absolutely adore's me! how long have you been with your partner? I've been with mine 4 years in Dec, I think I remember you saying you'd been together nearly 4 years or 4 years?

I dunno...I saw this poem last week and it really sounded asthough I had wrote it myself! it was exactly how my head has been....there's no doubt you share the same problem as me so I know you'll appreciate this. its quite lengthy but it's got real connection which could even make you cry because it makes you realize its all just your head. but anyways, here it is!

The undescribable shoes.....
How does one describe the indescribable? A life where there is never a certainty, but forever a continuation of torturous doubt.
A life where Love cannot be felt without pain. A simple thought cannot be had with a compulsion to analyse....A smile cannot come without guilt... and a lifetime of loneliness feels the same as never being alone.
Trapped in a world where you are never certain if a thought is really your own....A world where the illogical merges into the Logical...
Sweating, Panic, guts twisting and Fear....A never ending Fear.
A fear of the unknown....But the unknown is you.

Take a moment, any moment in your life with the one you Love, a moment that fills you with happiness...... Now think about that moment.
Were you really happy on that day? Did you pretend to be someone your not to make that person happy? Where you really in love on that day or did you just say it? Did you question anything on that day? Are you sure you felt love or was it just lust? Were you relieved when the day was over? Are you supposed to be relieved for a day to be over if your in love? Do you still feel that way about them now? Are you in love or out of love? Do you feel trapped or anxious when they ask you to do something which you really don’t fancy doing? Do you make up excuses? Do you lie? Should you lie when your in love with someone? Does that make you fake? Was that day really all that happy or are you just remembering it that way?......Are you Sure?

Heart starts to race, stomach feels a little knotted, you keep looking at those questions, becoming a bit panicky and in comes fear....because your not sure anymore....One beautiful moment in time, in love... that you now no longer have the certainty in your mind of what you felt....and it’ll eat at you. If you were so sure before, but now you’re questioning it....is everything else Real anymore?
And now you begin to think of other moments....What about the disagreements? What about that time they irritated you?....Are you really sure this is the ONE for you?

You wake in the morning, they are coming over tonight....anxiety sets in, have you been a fake all this time? How can you look at them in the eye? How can you tell them you love them when your not sure? How can you be affectionate...when you look at them and just see questions? Is this fair on them when you don’t know how you feel? Should you just get through this and hope the right feeling comes.....?

They leave, it was wonderful.... so beautiful, so amazing, so IN LOVE.... Now you can just chill out, relieved they’ve left.... Wait, if you’re in love, should you be relieved it’s over with? You told them you loved them, you made love....it was amazing.... but now your relieved they’ve left...Well are you in love with them or not? You don’t know.

Now you feel guilt..... Why are you so scared of not knowing how you feel? You don’t know.... You don’t know anything any more....Maybe it would be better if you just ended it? All these feelings would go away...The pain of the twisting knotted gut, the need to crawl out of your own head, away from these constant questions, that now seem to spoil every single moment that your with them, that you think of them, that you remember being with them.... But you don’t want to, you love them your sure you do!

But are you certain?

You’ve just spent 10minutes in the life of a person with ROCD.

[sweetypie]

OMG! Thank you so much for giving a name for it, first of all. Because there's so many people here with health anxiety that I get scared sometimes that I'm the only person who has relationship anxiety or ROCD as you've now called it. (I think I might start googling it so I can hear more stories about it.)

Seriously, it really hit me hard reading what you wrote. I did cry some. And reading those questions made me slightly hysterical because they are all obsessive questions I've had in my head that I wanted so badly not to have. And being reminded of them scared me. Sometimes I've forgotten completely that I ever felt happy with my fiance and other times I'm super happy and calm or I'm happy and scared. I don't know. It's just my head is a huge mess all the time.

I haven't been with my fiance for four years, but I have been with him for three! Which is still a long time, like you have been with yours. He's so supportive and that's why I feel so incredibly guilty for having any doubts. If anyone should have the doubts or the panic, it should be him. I'm not always the nicest to him when I'm panicking. I feel like a baby he has to comfort.

But thank you so much for sharing that with me. I really hope you and I can keep talking because you're the first person on here that I feel like understands the hysteria that's in my brain sometimes. The hysteria about my relationship that makes me feel like I am going insane.

[Sarah_1292]

OMG! Thank you so much for giving a name for it, first of all. Because there's so many people here with health anxiety that I get scared sometimes that I'm the only person who has relationship anxiety or ROCD as you've now called it. (I think I might start googling it so I can hear more stories about it.)

Seriously, it really hit me hard reading what you wrote. I did cry some. And reading those questions made me slightly hysterical because they are all obsessive questions I've had in my head that I wanted so badly not to have. And being reminded of them scared me. Sometimes I've forgotten completely that I ever felt happy with my fiance and other times I'm super happy and calm or I'm happy and scared. I don't know. It's just my head is a huge mess all the time.

I haven't been with my fiance for four years, but I have been with him for three! Which is still a long time, like you have been with yours. He's so supportive and that's why I feel so incredibly guilty for having any doubts. If anyone should have the doubts or the panic, it should be him. I'm not always the nicest to him when I'm panicking. I feel like a baby he has to comfort.

But thank you so much for sharing that with me. I really hope you and I can keep talking because you're the first person on here that I feel like understands the hysteria that's in my brain sometimes. The hysteria about my relationship that makes me feel like I am going insane.

I know it will comfort you to, to know it reminded me of my thoughts too, and I felt abit vulnerable after reading it but since have understood it, and yeah id love to carry on talking to you! Deffo, I used to feel more needy when I was at my peak of thoughts, I even had violent thoughts but I told him and again he understood! Its almost like the more he understood the more my anxiety/rocd tried to drive him away and I spent some time alone in my room just being upset and I felt wrong for spending time away from him, even though it was in the same house hahaha, I found that being on what assume to be time of the month(im on the implant so dont have periods but still have symptoms) can really make everything worse, but its normal for a woman to be more unstable during this time. I would suggest you do Google roch for other peoples storys, I bet its the same song and dance, it can really put into prospective that it IS roch, it IS in your head!

[RunnerChick]

AHH! I thought I was the only one that had this insane need to zero in on one thought/worry. I mean, I guess I was aware that other people with anxiety have OCD, but it always feels like someone without anxiety would think you're just out of your mind, so it makes me feel like I'm alone with the OCD. I have OCD so bad to a point that sometimes I get physically sick. I pick a worry and then focus on it to death. No amount of reasoning and fact-checking can bring me out of it and I'm just stuck in a rut until something happens or I decide that the impending doom I'm focused on is not going to happen. Example: my landlord hasn't yet deposited the check for October rent. It got to him late so now I'm convincing myself that he's trying to evict me and that it's a matter of time until I get the notice on my door, etc. I check my mailbox and my door 100 times a day and of course there's nothing there but I don't care. I just feel like he's going to come to my house and tell me I have to get out. For all I know, he just hasn't had a chance to go to the bank or he's on vacation or he already deposited it but it's taking some time to clear. I don't know! But somehow I have convinced myself that the worst is going to happen and now I'm googling evictions and laws and all of this unnecessary crap. The thing is also I talked to him twice about this already and he just said don't worry about it, that I was cutting it close but it's ok. I agreed on how I will pay this coming month so it won't be late by any chance and he said that's perfect. So why am I convincing myself that this is happening when it's really not? I hate OCD, it's probably the worst symptom of my entire anxiety-ridden life.

[Sarah W]

I can really identify with that paranoid train of thought. I do it all the time with family. I did it constantly with classmates and professors. This feeling that I have absolutely no idea where I actually stand and that any evidence contrary to this is just deceit. Just blatantly assuming the worst and refusing to let go of it.

[sweetypie]

I know it will comfort you to, to know it reminded me of my thoughts too, and I felt abit vulnerable after reading it but since have understood it, and yeah id love to carry on talking to you! Deffo, I used to feel more needy when I was at my peak of thoughts, I even had violent thoughts but I told him and again he understood! Its almost like the more he understood the more my anxiety/rocd tried to drive him away and I spent some time alone in my room just being upset and I felt wrong for spending time away from him, even though it was in the same house hahaha, I found that being on what assume to be time of the month(im on the implant so dont have periods but still have symptoms) can really make everything worse, but its normal for a woman to be more unstable during this time. I would suggest you do Google roch for other peoples storys, I bet its the same song and dance, it can really put into prospective that it IS roch, it IS in your head!

I have researched it some now and I am positive that I have it now.

I can completely relate to all the things you just said, too. I have absolutely zero ability to know how much time I should or should not be spending with my fiance. When we spend time apart in the same house, I get all panicky and scared our relationship is going bad and run to go spend more time with him. But then when I go spend time with him, my head is so crowded with thoughts that I feel suffocated and want to do something else. It's like I can't win.

I also have to tell him my horrible thoughts and luckily he accepts them, too. I get scared to tell him about them though because there have been a few times when I hurt his feelings with them.

And yea, it feels like the whole problem is in my head because it is. >_< Just my head making me hysterical when nothing is wrong.

[Sarah_1292]

I have researched it some now and I am positive that I have it now.

I can completely relate to all the things you just said, too. I have absolutely zero ability to know how much time I should or should not be spending with my fiance. When we spend time apart in the same house, I get all panicky and scared our relationship is going bad and run to go spend more time with him. But then when I go spend time with him, my head is so crowded with thoughts that I feel suffocated and want to do something else. It's like I can't win.

I also have to tell him my horrible thoughts and luckily he accepts them, too. I get scared to tell him about them though because there have been a few times when I hurt his feelings with them.

And yea, it feels like the whole problem is in my head because it is. >_< Just my head making me hysterical when nothing is wrong.

Again, exactly like me, within my obsessive questioned I would ask 'how do people who actually do fall out of love know they have!?' but ive seen people say things like 'im unsure its the right thing to leave him' and these were some of my thoughts 'i cant and dont want him to move on' 'im really scared to hurt his feelings' and there were always little if not very short times my ocd would go away, like you said it happens to you! And they are questions which 'real life' people who genuinely fall out of love dont think about because they no longer care for there partner. People like me and you do and its obvious. Its so east for roch to be so impending it seems too much to not be a problem but its like panic attacks, people at the time actually think there dying and noone else for a period of time can tell them otherwise.

Regarding you feeling 'wrong' when your alone so feel the need to want to see him its normal feelings which are just intensified by ocd. Anyhow what I came up with was this and again its totally relevant to you. Once your on a long term relationship where you dont live together you get used to not missing them when your having time to yourself because its normal too, only people like me and you make a deal out of if, overthinking which I love to do. And so because you feel somewhat guilty about having time to yourself you force yourself to spend time with your significant other hence the suffocation feeling because you are technically suffocating yourself by forcing yourself to be around him when really you should have time to yourself. I did the same I would think 'omg why dont I want to spend time with him' and I would force myself to even sit in the same room but after getting better with my thoughts I realized. Everyone needs there own space once in a while my partner would say to me 'if you ever just need to go lay down or read a book dont feel bad' I realized I was stopping myself getting better by not having 'me time' so then after I did spend time on my own and thoughts crept in I would actually say to myself 'oh shut up and enjoy the peace' haha it worked for me. Theres no doubt you too have roch its better to put a name too it strange isnt it, I hope you can rebuild your head now as I understand how messed up it can get.

I dont know if you can relate to this but I know you mentioned fiance..im engaged too and when I have these awful thoughts I think 'should I commit myself to him?' 'what if I do and I lie to everyone' I know I want to marry him its just I dont want to yet as my heads abit uneven but I try not to overthink it, the fact of the matter is I have an illness which being able to identify it has been key to getting better! I also had urges to take my engagement ring off because I didnt deserve it but those feelings come and go too. When I first started having panic attacks I never knew what they were which resulted in about a month of waking panic but as soon as the doctor told me it has a panic attack I read and read until I got onto the path of recovery which I believe im heading towards now and if sounds like you are too :) sorry for the length of this one hope it made sense im half asleep with the flu haha x


Also its worth mentioning ive been living in my own place with my partner for just over 2 weeks and it took ages to get used to as my roch was telling me I did the wrong thing and it would be more difficult but now im better those fears have gone :)

[sweetypie]

Again, exactly like me, within my obsessive questioned I would ask 'how do people who actually do fall out of love know they have!?' but ive seen people say things like 'im unsure its the right thing to leave him' and these were some of my thoughts 'i cant and dont want him to move on' 'im really scared to hurt his feelings' and there were always little if not very short times my ocd would go away, like you said it happens to you! And they are questions which 'real life' people who genuinely fall out of love dont think about because they no longer care for there partner. People like me and you do and its obvious. Its so east for roch to be so impending it seems too much to not be a problem but its like panic attacks, people at the time actually think there dying and noone else for a period of time can tell them otherwise.

Regarding you feeling 'wrong' when your alone so feel the need to want to see him its normal feelings which are just intensified by ocd. Anyhow what I came up with was this and again its totally relevant to you. Once your on a long term relationship where you dont live together you get used to not missing them when your having time to yourself because its normal too, only people like me and you make a deal out of if, overthinking which I love to do. And so because you feel somewhat guilty about having time to yourself you force yourself to spend time with your significant other hence the suffocation feeling because you are technically suffocating yourself by forcing yourself to be around him when really you should have time to yourself. I did the same I would think 'omg why dont I want to spend time with him' and I would force myself to even sit in the same room but after getting better with my thoughts I realized. Everyone needs there own space once in a while my partner would say to me 'if you ever just need to go lay down or read a book dont feel bad' I realized I was stopping myself getting better by not having 'me time' so then after I did spend time on my own and thoughts crept in I would actually say to myself 'oh shut up and enjoy the peace' haha it worked for me. Theres no doubt you too have roch its better to put a name too it strange isnt it, I hope you can rebuild your head now as I understand how messed up it can get.

I dont know if you can relate to this but I know you mentioned fiance..im engaged too and when I have these awful thoughts I think 'should I commit myself to him?' 'what if I do and I lie to everyone' I know I want to marry him its just I dont want to yet as my heads abit uneven but I try not to overthink it, the fact of the matter is I have an illness which being able to identify it has been key to getting better! I also had urges to take my engagement ring off because I didnt deserve it but those feelings come and go too. When I first started having panic attacks I never knew what they were which resulted in about a month of waking panic but as soon as the doctor told me it has a panic attack I read and read until I got onto the path of recovery which I believe im heading towards now and if sounds like you are too :) sorry for the length of this one hope it made sense im half asleep with the flu haha x


Also its worth mentioning ive been living in my own place with my partner for just over 2 weeks and it took ages to get used to as my roch was telling me I did the wrong thing and it would be more difficult but now im better those fears have gone :)

I think one thing that made me really, really bad for awhile is that I had a close friend in person and I told her about my crazy thoughts before I told anyone else because she has anxiety, too, and she said,"If you are having these doubts, then you must not be in love with him and you need to break-up with him." I literally lost it when she said that for a long time. That's when I was at my craziest.

But then I started talking to some people who actually had fallen out of love and they never panicked about it. They would just say it matter-of-factly. Sometimes they were sad, but none of them seemed scared. They just seemed like they didn't care about the other person anymore. While I, on the other hand, was acting the opposite, like I cared too much about every little thing.

And I've talked to other people about it and they say that it sounds like I obviously care about him from the way I talk about him. That I just seem really, really scared all the time. And I tell my fiance,"Aren't you scared I don't love you because I'm not even sure that I do?" And he says no, that he can tell I love him by the way I act.

He also lets me have my space whenever I want and tells me all the time that I need to not be scared of having these thoughts. That the more I accept them, the less power they have and the more they go away. But sometimes it seems impossible to accept them.

I'm very nervous right now because we're going to be moving into our own place soon (rather than the giant place we share with other people right now.) A studio apartment! Which means there will be only one room, which means no escape! But I have my parents house to escape to if I really need to and friends' houses to escape to if I really need to as well. But I get scared about it anyway. Worried that it will make it worse.

I get scared of having a wedding where I invite a bunch of people. I want it to be small right now because I'm pretty sure I am going to have doubts because everyone has doubts anyone and people with our mental problems have those doubts way more intensely than other people! And I just don't want the added pressure of failing everyone added to the whole thing.

By the way, how did you get over a lot of these fears? Just accepting them? Changing your expectations? Time? Because I can sense my therapist is getting kind of exasperated with me lately. I have made progress since the beginning, but I had a setback for awhile because my fiance started pushing the wedding stuff more on me and also the moving into an apartment stuff harder on me and it freaked me out a whole lot.

[Sarah_1292]

I think one thing that made me really, really bad for awhile is that I had a close friend in person and I told her about my crazy thoughts before I told anyone else because she has anxiety, too, and she said,"If you are having these doubts, then you must not be in love with him and you need to break-up with him." I literally lost it when she said that for a long time. That's when I was at my craziest.

But then I started talking to some people who actually had fallen out of love and they never panicked about it. They would just say it matter-of-factly. Sometimes they were sad, but none of them seemed scared. They just seemed like they didn't care about the other person anymore. While I, on the other hand, was acting the opposite, like I cared too much about every little thing.

And I've talked to other people about it and they say that it sounds like I obviously care about him from the way I talk about him. That I just seem really, really scared all the time. And I tell my fiance,"Aren't you scared I don't love you because I'm not even sure that I do?" And he says no, that he can tell I love him by the way I act.

He also lets me have my space whenever I want and tells me all the time that I need to not be scared of having these thoughts. That the more I accept them, the less power they have and the more they go away. But sometimes it seems impossible to accept them.

I'm very nervous right now because we're going to be moving into our own place soon (rather than the giant place we share with other people right now.) A studio apartment! Which means there will be only one room, which means no escape! But I have my parents house to escape to if I really need to and friends' houses to escape to if I really need to as well. But I get scared about it anyway. Worried that it will make it worse.

I get scared of having a wedding where I invite a bunch of people. I want it to be small right now because I'm pretty sure I am going to have doubts because everyone has doubts anyone and people with our mental problems have those doubts way more intensely than other people! And I just don't want the added pressure of failing everyone added to the whole thing.

By the way, how did you get over a lot of these fears? Just accepting them? Changing your expectations? Time? Because I can sense my therapist is getting kind of exasperated with me lately. I have made progress since the beginning, but I had a setback for awhile because my fiance started pushing the wedding stuff more on me and also the moving into an apartment stuff harder on me and it freaked me out a whole lot.

Yeah I can understand why your friend saying that would freak you out and why that would be the start of your panicking obsessive thinking, but in the greatest of respects your friend probably has never experienced rocd or even anxiety to these levels and therefore it would be difficult for her to understand the bigger picture, and you sort of said it yourself, if you really were out of love then when she suggested what she did you would of probably of just said "yeah you're right" and you wouldn't of panicked and you certainly wouldn't be driving your self crazy still its hard to see passed rocd when you have these thoughts but you've got to battle through them try and get into the mind set were everytime a thought becomes present say calmly to yourself "please come back later" and breath out as you say it in your head or out loud, this may allow for the thoughts to slip only for a short period but enough to make you think at that time "oh well I don't feel this all the time" You said to me other day you were feeling better and weren't having these thoughts try and focus on that time - you wouldn't have "good times" if you were out of love with them, people who are out of love don't generally still care about there ex enough to still stick with them as they just think about getting out not about "it will work" ect

I know its difficult Sweetypie but you've got to try and go from now and live your life normally, I believe my key to recovery was this:
whenever I felt creeping thoughts I read other people's story's - reading what other people had said about rocd confirmed it was in my head so each time I read, it calmed my down and I tried sleeping afterwards so I was sleeping with a calmer more positive thought process - this makes sense because there's something in your brain thats over working when you have anxiety ect and if its not got time to settle down its not going to stop overworking and therefore it results in long lasting anxiety ocd. I learnt that calming my mind before bed gave my brain a long enough time to settle so them when I awoken my immediate thoughts were "OMG IM AWAKE DO I LOVE HIM TODAY!?" it did take a while but eventually each morning I was free from thoughts for longer and longer and I kept myself busy. don't be disheartened as it can take a while and you can easily go back to old way's which sets you back but you've got to be persistent with it.
I didn't force myself to spend time with him or convince myself I was in the wrong for wanting space (its a big deal that you understand its just your time and he doesn't need to be in every aspect of your life - you're not a bad person and there isn't an issue with your relationship.

Try hard to act your old self if you have an urge to spend time with him just think about whether you actually want to or if you feel you have too, if its the latter don't give in and just do what you want to do otherwise you'll constantly feel suffocated which will create a problem in your head which you can overthink.

accepting its ROCD is a big step because when you have these crippling thoughts you can start to think "god damn rocd" "these thoughts are just obsessive because ocd is compulsive obsessive and thats why I can't think of anything else" these thoughts replace "are these feeling real?" "Do I really not love him?" "What will happen if we broke up" It sounds odd but it works!

Don't worry about moving out with him! I know that your thoughts will be "Should I do this?" "What if I'm making a mistake" I had the same feelings exactly but all that I've just said about is really relevant, are you UK based? I can add you on facebook ect and I can talk to you on there whenever you want :)

You don't have to get married yet you can wait till whenever your ready - I went from wanting to have a big church wedding to just wanting it to be just me and him getting married abroad - the reason is I don't want to be center of attention and people can be really pushy sometimes.

I hope you can keep reading this when your feeling low and it just might put you in the right path :) stay strong
(Also how old are you if you don't mind me asking?)

[Sarah W]

Plus, if you do ask for advice from someone who thinks similarly to you--depending on their state of mind--they might advise you that your worries are real. That's the risk you take. Having someone mistakenly confirm your insecurities with their own.

[Sarah_1292]

Plus, if you do ask for advice from someone who thinks similarly to you--depending on their state of mind--they might advise you that your worries are real. That's the risk you take. Having someone mistakenly confirm your insecurities with their own.

That's true too.

[sweetypie]

I tried talking to my therapist about the rocd thing and she seemed kind of skeptical about it. Like "I never heard of it" sort of thing. It doesn't surprise me a whole lot. I hadn't heard of it either, but it was still a little disappointing.

Also, I am 27 years old.

And I'm located in the U.S.A., but I think it would still be possible for us to do facebook maybe?

[Sarah_1292]

I have inboxed you :)