heated argument with the GF today...help

[mglover92]

I know people do not want to read a long essay on the argument so I will give the key points

1. Girlfriend told me some guy was chatting with her on facebook (I am glad she told me, that was fine)
2. I read the convo and it gets me heated and pissed because he use to be one of my friends. ( he hasnt hit me up in forever, what does he want with my girlfriend?)
3. I have the phone in my hands and I keep asking her why is he doing this and it seems weird
4. Things get heated between me and my GF when she starts defending him saying it means nothing.
5. I said maybe its best if you do not communicate with him because its only going to cause problems in the relationship. And it make me feel upset and suspicious and its going to be on my mind 24 7.( i have bad OCD)
6. She declines and we argue. I still have her phone still and she threatens to leave. Obviously I have her phone so she cant leave. I refused to give it back to her until she sat down with me and we talked through this (my mistake, should of just gave it to her). The whole time I am having a adrenaline rush that I cant control and having a heard time breathing and it sucks.
7. So she goes and grabs my house phone and is about to call her mom, I grabbed the house phone away and said "can we please talk this out". She says she is going to go wait in her car and she leaves. Fine whatever. Go cool down and we can talk about it
8. She comes back in and she sits on the couch and we talk it out. I just give her the phone. She leaves

Now I cant get this off of my mind. I feel guilty as hell for grabbing the house phone away from her. I feel like now I am some crazy mental control freak boyfriend when im not. But now I cant get the thoughts out of my head that there is something bigger wrong with me. I may of jumped to conclusions to quick. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and I love her more than anything in life. But I now hate myself because of this. I cant get it out of my mind. Please help me guys.

[u4ea]

What about confronting your friend, or ex-friend rather?

Let him know you that you know what he's up to and it's not cool.

[jessed03]

I like how you describe the argument. Real structured and stuff lol. I'm reading it, and I'm like, ok yeah, oh damn, she did what now ?! Ohhhh now he pissed!!

It isn't really nice for a friend to talk secretly to your girlfriend. It's kinda snakey, I dunno. I remember a couple of ex's getting close to friends that were mine, and it just felt weird. I wasn't cool with it, you have areas of your life kinda compartmentalised, and its weird when they overlap without you, it blurred the lines for me more than Robin Thicke did.

4 years is 4 years though. It's a long time. I don't think this is something that will fracture what you have, it should be something you can overcome quite quickly.

But OCD is naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty. Whilst you were talking with your Gf, it was busy letting itself in, unpacking its stuff, and making itself at home!

But you know you aren't bad. I know that. U4ea knows it, as does everyone who reads this.

Don't play it's game. Let time pass, and emotion die down. Whatever it says to you... 'Alright'... Don't conversate with it. Get into something real constructive to improve your state, to take away some focus.

No guest likes to stay where it's not fed. You'll be good man!

[sweetypie]

This sounds like some fights I've gotten into in the past with boyfriends, so I hope what I am about to say makes sense.

I would get really anxious in relationships about losing the person, so I'd try to prevent them from leaving when they are mad and stop them from talking to certain people, but unfortunately, since they are their own person, it wouldn't work out how I wanted it to. It would just make them more mad.

But when people with anxiety get hysterical, we try to control things. Like, when I get anxiety around my fiance right now, embarrassingly, I'm going to admit that I control our hobbies. I tell him that we have to watch this movie and then that one. And this TV Show and then another one. And I force him to do what I want. It makes me feel less hysterical when he goes along with it. Terrible, but true.

And I absolutely HATE when someone leaves in the middle of the fight. It makes me super insecure and have a mental breakdown, I'm not going to lie. Because I feel like I can't control whether they hate me or not.

I think a lot of it has to do with insecurity about the relationship. You don't value yourself, so you get scared they will leave you. So you get jealous and then when they get mad at you for getting jealous, you get more insecure about the relationship because to you anger means she might leave you again unless you work this problem out.

Tell me if I'm right or completely wrong. My therapist is helping me to deal with this by trying to draw my inner strength out, so I feel content with myself whether I have people in my life or not. But this is why *I* get into these kinds of fights in relationships.

[HealthAnxNut]

I'm just having a hard time understanding why she wouldn't agree to unfriend him, and then you can both move on. Is he close friends with her too, or something? It would be different if he was a long-time close friend of hers, because then I would see it maybe more as jealousy or insecurity. But when someone just starts talking to someone "new" and they refuse to give it up, I don't get that. In this case, I see you asking that as preventing any future issues, and that makes sense to me. You did everything you could to keep her from leaving because you love her - you don't want this to be an issue between you, and you don't want to lose her. You aren't a psycho. Heated confrontations are VERY difficult with anxiety... it's like the worst thing ever for me. And I am riddled with guilt afterward, even if I was right. I hope you are feeling better today!