Getting increasingly worse. Im desperate.

[aekelund]

Hello there.

Im writing this post more out of desperation than anything else. I havent written anything on this site in over two years, but it has gotten to a point where I feel that if I dont tell anyone about my current situation, I am going to lose my mind. I just need to get a few words out there.

I have been struggeling with social and generalized anxiety for about 10 years now. It has been on a stable level a lot of years now, and it has gotten to the point where I cant seem to remember the last time i truly felt good about myself and my situation. However, this is not why i decided to write this.

For about a year now I have noticed a gradual change in my mental wellbeing. This is when it starts to get difficult for me, becuase Im having a really hard time deciding where to start or how to correctly describe how im feeling, but ill give it a shot:

Simply put it, I feel absolutely horrible. I can barely sleep at night anymore, and when I do ill either wake up several times during the night or not get any restful sleep at all. I can go through the whole night, being in a weird state that I cant desribe. Its like im somewhere between sleep and consciousness where my mind is racing like you wouldnt believe. Because of this, I fatigued and tired all the time, every day.

I feel confused, and have a really hard time trying to concentrate. Ill try to read simple sentences but it feels like there is a constant, difficult to describe noise in my head thats making concentration really challenging. This has been a problem because of my anxiety for a long time, but recently it has gotten increasingly worse, to the point where I just feel plain stupid. A few days ago, on saturday, I actually went the whole day convinced it was tuesday, for some strange reason.

I cant get myself to do anything at all. My apartment is a mess, and all i do everyday is sit at my computer. Im not lazy, and I cant explain why, but even the most simple things like putting dishes in the washer or putting the garbage in the garbage can feels like a huge task and everything is piling up around me, making my situation even more difficult. Im getting anxious just thinking about it. And im afraid that people will knock on my door and notice how im living at the moment.

Nothing, and I mean nothing interests me anymore. I can sit at the computer, impulsively clicking on random things or watch the same tv shows or movies over and over again. Not because I like it, but because its the only way I can isolate myself from my life. I try to forget everything around me and i get some peace out of it, which is why i have to do it most of the day.

I get irritated by so much, almost all the time. It can be about a character on a film or tv show, the computer locking up, the cat wanting to go out or other random and insignificant things. Sometimes i feel like im going to explode.

I feel completely empty inside, and cant remember the last time i was happy or felt anything else but the things associated with my anxiety. Im NEVER with any friends anymore, people have stopped calling me because I simply just dont pick up the phone and I dont have any motivation to go out and be social or do anything. I feel completely isolated from anything outside my apartment, and other than buying food I havent been outside for months. I feel more socially anxious than ever, even when out shopping I feel anxious because I get the feeling people are judging me or in other ways thinking poorly of me just by the items im purchasing (unhealthy food in particular)

Its like im in a dark hole that gets deeper and harder to get out of every minute. Every day everything feels more hopeless, and I have the feeling im never going to get out of this nightmare.

Just had to get it all out, thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. Just knowing im not completely alone with my thoughts anymore makes it a little easier.

[newzie]

You're not alone in your struggle; we are all here for you. It sounds like you are in a bad place. Have you tried medications? They can be absolute life changers. There are so many options are you disposal, try to be optimistic.

We all need help sometimes, and don't be ashamed to ask for it. You sound like you know what's wrong and you really want to fix so that first huge obstacle has been climbed.

If I was in your boots, I would call someone, a loved one, a friend and tell them you need help. If you cant do that, call a doctor, make an appointment. You absolutely need to break this cycle and you can do it. You just need to take small steps, even crawls, and you will see an improvement, I know it. I know you can do it.

I would say, start by making a small list of MIGHT DOs (as to not get down on yourself if you dont do them). The first could be saying, "I will go outside for a minute today." Sure you might hate it, but its only a minute. Take the steps downstairs, go outside, freak out a lil, and go back to the comfort of your apartment. Small stuff like that.

[aekelund]

Thanks a lot for your kind response, feels good to know that people actually take the time to listen. Yes, Im thinking about talking to a doctor and maybe get some medications for it. However, other than that, its hard to write about things I might need or want to do because those thoughts are just not there. Hard to explain, I used to be so full of motivation, never giving up and always trying my best. Its frightening to think about how much ive changed.

[newzie]

That is understandable. You know, if you don't think you can handle the list of 'might do's on your own, there are always people to help, feel free to pm me if you want some external motivation.

For now, why don't you focus on 2 items.

Item one could be - just spend 10 or so minutes researching doctors in your area that you can see and writing down some number
Item two could be - going outside for a couple minutes or so for some fresh air

Making the list is going to take effort but doing the small steps will take much more. You have to dig down deep, I know you can do it.

[reneemonroe]

Thanks a lot for your kind response, feels good to know that people actually take the time to listen. Yes, Im thinking about talking to a doctor and maybe get some medications for it. However, other than that, its hard to write about things I might need or want to do because those thoughts are just not there. Hard to explain, I used to be so full of motivation, never giving up and always trying my best. Its frightening to think about how much ive changed.

I can relate to what you said about being so full of motivation and always trying your best. I was like that and now I find the dishes and other mundane chores difficult to do.

[kam59]

You are not alone. I was feeling the same way not too long ago. I am now on medication to help, but here are still somedays when I just can't seem to get myself out of my "hole." It's not a good feeling, and it sounds like you are in a bad place. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist you can go to? That might help. I was terrified of even thinking about going to see one of them, and my anxiety was out-of-control as well. I know what you mean about how much you've changed. Remember that there are others out there, so you are never alone.

[Anxiousraven]

I'm there with you. I feel like I have so much I want to do but I can't face doing it. I don't really know what to say to make it better talking to people on here helps because they know what you're going through but I would suggest seeing a counsellor or therapist and definitely a doctor. Admitting you want to change is the first step of recovery

[mikecole114]

another good way to view this is this anxiety/depression isnt you... imagine if you will this disease is a devil or person thats gotten into you and has attached itself to your emotions. you say you cant believe how much youve changed but you havent your still the same person under this illness. even naming it may help call it something you hate and fight it off. i went about a year not wanting any help from doctors but now i have i cant believe i waited this long. its something you have to do if your want to be yourself again. on this forum we all know how you feel and want to help the best we can as we also help ourselves but nothing i can write to you will make any difference unless you take the first and vital step of admiting there is a problem. once you overcome that obstacle you can then begin the up hill task of fighting this demon. motivate yourself with past happy times and remind yourself of who you are and what you want to be. just because i say demon dont think im preaching about religion here because im really not aha however religion can also be turned to.

i can totally relate to you and i hate myself as a person and who i am but im trying to change that. im using meds, councilling, increased exercise, writing on this forum, and talking to those i trust about it. a month ago not one person i knew knew how i truly felt but now im telling people ive known for a few weeks. i will always have trust issues due to being back stabbed and betrayed, and i dont expect anyone to understand what im saying but i find it feels so good to just try and explain myself (not only to others but to put how i feel in words to explain it to myself...)

stay strong

[PanicPhobia]

Wow, OP, that almost perfectly describes my situation at times. I had a friend leave me a voicemail a while back saying "I will never call you again because you never pick up the phone, so screw you." He was really pissed about me ignoring him.

I also have times (months) where I wont leave my house (or even my bedroom). Small tasks take huge effort. People think I am lazy.

But the good news is, there have been times in between these episodes where I have energy and live a relatively normal life. So I just think to myself that I will be back there again. Of course, I see a psychiatrist and you should too.

[rainboots]

PanicPhobia...I so get that! I reach out when I can and get responses like that. I just moved back to the US from Israel after living there for two years. My husband divorced me while I was in Israel then came back a year before me and destroyed every relationship I ever had here by making himself look better by spreading terrible stories about me. I had lived for a year in Jerusalem without him....me alone with my 20 year old son who is autistic and 2 small dogs. I was fired for my condition and not being able to work properly. Finally I just came home. My ex lied to me and told me nobody wanted me, respected me or wanted anything to do with me and I believed him. He took my kid away and left me in our old house which had no heat or water. This was March in Pittsburgh. I lived in a bedroom with my dogs for two months before I could even consider going out. My dad bought me a $500 car and my ex took me to get it. Prior to that I was left to his whim as to when I'd get food or go out. I applied for assistance but didn't get it until the end of June.

Somewhere in there, to feed myself and keep from killing myself, I was going out occasionally with guys I met on an online service like match.com. I met one who clicked with me. He accepted my situation (how embarrassing is it to tell someone you live without basic sanitation or a toilet?) and we spent a few months together then he invited me to move in. Of course I did. My son was able to come back to me and this wonderful man deals with both of our issues, which I think are PTSD. I know I am dxed with clinical depression and anxiety and I have seiZures. My son deals with anxiety, depressiona me his autism.

I know I am lucky but it is sad how much I've lost. My current BF doesn't get why I am terrifid of returning to my old synagogue. I just am. I know my ex spread his lies about me there and it's terrifying to me. Tonight we went to a store where I could possibly have run into someone I knew before and I had a panic attack when I lost track of where my BF was.

I don't know why I get sad or what triggers my panic. I feel like an inadequate mother because I sleep a lot. I lost my license because of my seizures and I feel inadequate because I really cannot take care of my son or myself. I can't get to doctor appointments or even shop for groceries. I can't work....I can't even think about it. Thank God my son gets disability benefits. SSA denied mine even though I am appealing.

I feel horribly alone. I have stopped Facebook and Twitter. People say such evil things. It's hard to get this all intellectually but emotionally I just can't stop. I am on Paxil and Effexor with klonipin. I go to CBT. I try very hard. I just wish I could explain why I can't just make it stop.

Rainboots

[Ponder]

Hi aekelund, I see it's about a month on now. I hope your feeling a little better. That's a great description you have given there. It can be very frustrating when the condition cripples us like that. I'll often go beyond struggling with sentences to stuttering when I speak. I hear ya on all counts. These context of climbing hills and savoring those moments we come down the others side is beginning to lose it's charm as the hills get taller and the reprieves get shorter. I hope your ability to share in here and hopefully other places since can help give you a few down hill runs.

Best wishes
Dave.