Plateau

[tailspin]

I seem to get to this point where I'm able to function on a day to day level with my regular stuff, but I still have a lot of bad days and it takes very little to throw me for a loop. Let alone that I still can't handle taking on my bigger fears. This has been going on for about 5 years now (I've had depression and anxiety issues for much longer, but it's only been in the last 5 or 6 years that things became really bad, especially the anxiety).

So I continue to exist in this little bubble more or less. And because life like this is vastly preferable to the hell of frequent panic attacks and constant high level emotional turmoil (which I was living with), I tell myself I'm doing ok. But really, I'm not that ok, and I think I'm kind of fooling myself. I mean, I really, really hope it gets better than this, because this is still pretty crap, just, I'm no longer living constantly in a state of emotional and mental emergency. It's like the Threat Level has dropped down from 10 to about 7. I am truly grateful that I'm no longer at level 10, but I don't feel very good at level 7 either. And, I feel the threat of going back over the edge into total panic mode is always lurking.

I'm certain it's my medication that has helped me stabilize to this degree (I take an anti-depressant). Certainly the meds have really helped knock my panic attacks on the head. And that is a huge relief. But I'm still a long way from doing well, and the Generalized Anxiety (and a specific phobia) still has a powerful hold. Depression is often still a problem too.

I just feel like I've plateaued. And this has happened several times before. I'm not sure what else to try. I switched to a new anti-depressant about 6 months or so ago because I talked to my psychiatrist about my plateau feelings and he said trying a new med could help. But I actually feel pretty much the same on my new med. I guess I could increase my meds. But in my heart I don't think that's the answer. I think that meds have helped me as much as they are going to (and they have helped me, no question). But the rest is up to me. Only I'm kind of at a loss. I already do a lot of positive things such as regular exercise and my diet is healthy. I do a little meditation (could definitely do more). I take the typical anti-anxiety supplements (magnesium, Vitamin D etc).

I don't know.....Has anyone else experienced this plateau feeling? Where things are definitely better than they were at their worst, but they are still not very good overall?

Thanks for any feedback!

[tailspin]

Howdy Tails

Boy do i know that feeling

You know i think that when it is really bad we just want out of it . As it gets better we look back and go thank god i am past that . We seem to focus on the bad and accept our current state .

For example My counselor has told me to write a list of symptoms and a number from one to ten on how bad they are so i can see how i am improving . I find that when i start doing this i go well they are not that bad compared to back then . But in reality they are that bad but just not on that level . All i seem to focus on is they were a ten then and they are a 2 compared to that but again the way they effect me today is still high.

Its like at least i can do this this and this now but i miss that but i cant do this this and this . I also seem to miss the "But hang on i might be able to do it but i have to push all the time in order to do it " and that is not really living is it .

When i was really bad i fought all my fears and after nearly 4 years i plateaued and just accepted what was left . This is when i started drugs again hoping for a jump start. Hoping again that it will happen as it did with the st johns .

I have worked out that it is up to me in many ways . I can let it control me from doing what i want . I have worked out that i need to start to take control back instead of accepting things .

I have started to do this the last few weeks and i must say that it is feeling better . I find that i am living in the moment more which makes me feel good .

If there was one thing i hated though all this it was what it made me , what it took from me but most of all what i let it take from me while fighting it .

The threat you have of it lurking i had for a long time. Its pretty common i think in any major change in life . But i think you have to let it go and just focus on whats you want to do now and go do it . Its hard but little steps feed more hope . Sort of fake it till you make it .

You said you do a lot of positive things and that good but let me ask you what do you do that you want to do and that is not dictated by all this?

I now have birds back in my life , i now work outside the house , cleaning my yard , fighting for treatment , growing my veggies , restoring my house again . I am starting to do all the things i once use to before all this started and i am loving it .

I also get bad days but i now refuse to have them bring the odd good one down .

Wow. What a GREAT post!! Thank you forwells!!! I really feel like you understand EXACTLY what I'm talking about, and I really appreciate that. I agree with everything you say. And especially I agree that it's up to me to make some changes in my behavior and my attitude.

You ask a really good question, and that is, what do I do that I really want to do that is not dictated by all the emotional/mental stuff? Honestly, the answer is that I don't do much anymore. And that's because there is a part of me that is always waiting for the next crisis. And I worry that if I push myself too much, I will bring about my own downfall, whereas, at least, this way, by not pushing myself, I'm kind of, sort of, somewhat stable. So I am still very much controlled by this stuff.

And, as you say, that is no way to live! Somehow I'm going to have to find a way to push myself a bit more. I have withdrawn quite a lot from socializing over the past few years and I spend a lot of time on my own with my dogs (who I adore). I'm married and have a really supportive husband so I'm not totally alone, but I don't interact very much with people anymore, or at least, not nearly as much as I used to. And that is something I'd like to do more of. And that could be one area where I start to make more effort. That's just one example though. There are lots of others.

Anyhow, thank you so much for such a helpful response!! I really appreciate it. It is really encouraging to hear that you are doing so much better now that you are taking more control of things. I see this is what I need to do too. I need to empower myself! And really that is largely just changing your attitude. So glad to hear that this is helping you so much!!

Thanks again!

PS: What you say about the importance of living in the moment is SO true. I still spend so much time worrying about potential future disasters......

[alankay]

Are you happy with your docs level of expertise? Alankay

[tailspin]

Are you happy with your docs level of expertise? Alankay

Hi Alankay. Thanks for this. I think my psychiatrist is pretty good at the medication side of things and I think his diagnosis of my condition is pretty accurate (he has diagnosed me with neurotic depression and/or dysthymia, and GAD with Panic Disorder). In the past he has actually wanted to prescribe additional meds for me. For example, he wanted to put me on a daily Klonopin regimen, in addition to my SSRI. He wanted me to take Klonopin twice a day every day, regardless of whether I was having panic attacks or not and he suggested I do this for a minimum of several months. I was reluctant to do this, so opted against his suggestion. He also wanted me to switch to Effexor when I came off Zoloft a few months ago because he felt an SNRI might work better. But I took Effexor many years ago and it didn't seem to help much so I asked if I could try Lexapro instead, since I'd never been on that.

So perhaps, had I followed my psychiatrist's suggestions to the letter I would be doing better now? I don't know. I still feel that meds are only part of the answer and that the other part lies with me working harder on my behavior and attitude. I can see I do need to make some changes in my life, but since change is scary I procrastinate and remain stuck in my rut!

Thanks again, Alankay!

[Perses]

Dear Tailspin,

Right now, because of some huge life changes that have compelled me to move and to look for a new job, I'm at a low point, and that's why I decided to join this forum. I finally finished my PhD and so am proud of that accomplishment, a bit, but now feel overwhelmed by the new challenges (this would read opportunities if I were sanguine about life's vicissitudes). I have a drug regime that works well enough for me, but the truth of the matter is that external pressures or circumstances are what drive my anxiety into high gear.
Blech!!

My question to you would be, then, are there circumstances -- external pressures -- that have prompted your depression and anxiety? Could the plateau you feel you are on be the result of some external circumstances that you could possibly change?

[jessed03]

I had a fairly long plateau really. I got rid of my main symptoms, and my emotions felt quite good, but not right, not as i should have been feeling, given the huge positive lifestyle change i was living. I felt at around 70%.

I got frustrated at this after a while. I was at a slightly lower level of functioning than previously. There was no suffering anymore, I was long over 'anxiety', but anxiety didn't seem fully over me.

It shadowed me, EVERYWHERE. everywhere I went, it lingered. Never daring to come out, but it was there. Every enjoyable experience I had, it was there, I felt it watching me. Every time I was relaxing on the sofa, it was there watching. This beast, stalking me.

That was actually as exhausting as anything I'd ever done, I didn't REALIZE how burnt out I was getting, over this thing that hadn't bothered me much in years.

No matter what I did; meditated, set goals, loved the universe, loved all negative parts of myself, this feeling of carrying it on my back, never went.

I don't think you can ever find proper peace when you live within close proximity with anxiety, the scars it's caused, the memories, and the possibility of it coming out again (even if you know you can tame the animal).

It just brings too much tension to your life. Tension you often don't realise you're feeling, or don't know why you're feeling.

But here's why... You're living just a few feet from a dangerous monster. Who in their right mind could truly relax, living close to a wild tiger? Who could possibly switch off, when you still live just yards from your villain? And make no mistake, no matter how much we try and reframe it, no matter how much acceptance theory we try to preach, we all hate anxiety, deep in our hearts. It is an enemy like no other, one that can take our lives without killing us, take our souls and spirits, and steal our time.

It isn't true that you can find 'peace' living with anxiety. You can accept your different life, your limitations and your short comings, but that feeling is very different to freedom.

For me, I decided to take a course of SSRI's. I was tired at the time, and knew they'd improve my energy a bit, but I was shocked at how they improved everything else.

The shadows disappeared. The monster watching me disappeared. Suddenly I felt 10000 miles from the beast. I could shut my eyes in peace, like before. I could enjoy stuff, and feel 100% enjoyment, instead of 75%. The plateau had been lifted.

I came to this conclusion, that due to my life's circumstances, due to my extreme levels of unnatural emotion, I had depleted my serotonin levels, to a level that I couldn't possibly re compensate for in real life. I just didn't have the capacity to.

If a car is made to travel at just 70miles per hour and you spend time at 140mph, things inevitably start to break down.

When you begin to put stuff right, you change whats broken. You fix whats broken. You change the tires, you fix the engine. You remove the rust. If things still aren't working properly, maybe it's because you need to refuel. Top up whatever is depleted.

The same for anxiety. If you burn your body out through stress, you start by fixing whats broken. Diet, sleep pattern, thinking habits et al. Then you remove the rust. You get back into the real world. You then need to ask yourself is all well, if things are going smoothly, cos you may now just be kinda low on fuel. If so, you have to find the right strategy/drug to fix it.

Because thats where the Demons hide -- in that empty percentage where Serotonin should be. When you're only at 50% capacity, there is room for all sorts to exist inside your head. As you approach 90-100%, theres barely any room for anything to be there. And suddenly all the bad stuff is a long way away from you, instead of a step behind.

I guess thats what everybody in a plateau must ask themselves; Is anything ineffective or still disruptive regarding the job of repairing the damage done? and am I/ have I refuelled myself effectively

I truly believe if we're honest with ourselves, and drop the ego defensive thoughts and the victimization ideas, that may be there, that we use often to excuse ourselves from the harsh realities of change and hard work, we all somewhere know the answer to this question. :)

[tailspin]

Dear Tailspin,

Right now, because of some huge life changes that have compelled me to move and to look for a new job, I'm at a low point, and that's why I decided to join this forum. I finally finished my PhD and so am proud of that accomplishment, a bit, but now feel overwhelmed by the new challenges (this would read opportunities if I were sanguine about life's vicissitudes). I have a drug regime that works well enough for me, but the truth of the matter is that external pressures or circumstances are what drive my anxiety into high gear.
Blech!!

My question to you would be, then, are there circumstances -- external pressures -- that have prompted your depression and anxiety? Could the plateau you feel you are on be the result of some external circumstances that you could possibly change?

Hi Perses, Really good to hear from you, as always! Thanks so much for your feedback. Congratulations on finishing your PhD! That's awesome! I'm sorry that the new challenges that brings with it are proving stressful and I hope that all soon settles down!

It's definitely true to say that there are some areas of my life I need to work on. I don't have many obvious stress factors and I'm very lucky in that regard. But I don't feel fulfilled in some important ways and that is something I need to address. I moved to the US about 14 years ago now and I see that a lot of my major anxiety issues kicked in after moving here. I moved here after I married an American. It was all done whirlwind style and it was only after the dust settled that I realized what a huge move I'd made and how much I'd left behind. One of the issues is that I kind of moved into my husband's life. I knew no one here besides my husband. I have not done a good job of carving out a life for myself here. And I definitely went through an identity crisis. Maybe I'm still going through it. These are things I need to work on. When I lived in London I was very independent. I had a great job, my own apartment, my own life. Definitely I had my mental health issues (depression mainly and some GAD) but my anxiety was NOTHING like it is now. I can really see how giving up my self-sufficiency and moving here into someone else's life has proved to be a big cause of heightened anxiety. Even though I wanted to move here and I love my husband and we have a very comfortable life. But I feel like I've lost myself in some way and for some reason I haven't been able to reinvent myself. On the contrary, it's almost as if I'm making myself more and more invisible. If that makes sense......

Thank you for listening, Perses! And for giving me the opportunity to explore my thoughts and feelings here.

[tailspin]

I had a fairly long plateau really. I got rid of my main symptoms, and my emotions felt quite good, but not right, not as i should have been feeling, given the huge positive lifestyle change i was living. I felt at around 70%.

I got frustrated at this after a while. I was at a slightly lower level of functioning than previously. There was no suffering anymore, I was long over 'anxiety', but anxiety didn't seem fully over me.

It shadowed me, EVERYWHERE. everywhere I went, it lingered. Never daring to come out, but it was there. Every enjoyable experience I had, it was there, I felt it watching me. Every time I was relaxing on the sofa, it was there watching. This beast, stalking me.

That was actually as exhausting as anything I'd ever done, I didn't REALIZE how burnt out I was getting, over this thing that hadn't bothered me much in years.

No matter what I did; meditated, set goals, loved the universe, loved all negative parts of myself, this feeling of carrying it on my back, never went.

I don't think you can ever find proper peace when you live within close proximity with anxiety, the scars it's caused, the memories, and the possibility of it coming out again (even if you know you can tame the animal).

It just brings too much tension to your life. Tension you often don't realise you're feeling, or don't know why you're feeling.

But here's why... You're living just a few feet from a dangerous monster. Who in their right mind could truly relax, living close to a wild tiger? Who could possibly switch off, when you still live just yards from your villain? And make no mistake, no matter how much we try and reframe it, no matter how much acceptance theory we try to preach, we all hate anxiety, deep in our hearts. It is an enemy like no other, one that can take our lives without killing us, take our souls and spirits, and steal our time.

It isn't true that you can find 'peace' living with anxiety. You can accept your different life, your limitations and your short comings, but that feeling is very different to freedom.

For me, I decided to take a course of SSRI's. I was tired at the time, and knew they'd improve my energy a bit, but I was shocked at how they improved everything else.

The shadows disappeared. The monster watching me disappeared. Suddenly I felt 10000 miles from the beast. I could shut my eyes in peace, like before. I could enjoy stuff, and feel 100% enjoyment, instead of 75%. The plateau had been lifted.

I came to this conclusion, that due to my life's circumstances, due to my extreme levels of unnatural emotion, I had depleted my serotonin levels, to a level that I couldn't possibly re compensate for in real life. I just didn't have the capacity to.

If a car is made to travel at just 70miles per hour and you spend time at 140mph, things inevitably start to break down.

When you begin to put stuff right, you change whats broken. You fix whats broken. You change the tires, you fix the engine. You remove the rust. If things still aren't working properly, maybe it's because you need to refuel. Top up whatever is depleted.

The same for anxiety. If you burn your body out through stress, you start by fixing whats broken. Diet, sleep pattern, thinking habits et al. Then you remove the rust. You get back into the real world. You then need to ask yourself is all well, if things are going smoothly, cos you may now just be kinda low on fuel. If so, you have to find the right strategy/drug to fix it.

Because thats where the Demons hide -- in that empty percentage where Serotonin should be. When you're only at 50% capacity, there is room for all sorts to exist inside your head. As you approach 90-100%, theres barely any room for anything to be there. And suddenly all the bad stuff is a long way away from you, instead of a step behind.

I guess thats what everybody in a plateau must ask themselves; Is anything ineffective or still disruptive regarding the job of repairing the damage done? and am I/ have I refuelled myself effectively

I truly believe if we're honest with ourselves, and drop the ego defensive thoughts and the victimization ideas, that may be there, that we use often to excuse ourselves from the harsh realities of change and hard work, we all somewhere know the answer to this question. :)

Thanks for a really thoughtful and thought-provoking response, jessed! What you describe so brilliantly in the first half of your post about living in the shadow of a dangerous monster: that's me! That's where I'm at. Exactly.

It's GREAT you found a medication that brought you back up to speed. The analogy of the broken car with the empty fuel tank is a really good one. Clearly, whilst I have made some fixes to the bodywork, I am still running on empty. Yet I do already take an SSRI. This is the somewhat disappointing thing: that my meds aren't helping me more. Perhaps there is some tweaking that needs to be done there. Most definitely there is some tweaking that needs to be done in my life. And the question you ask as to whether anything ineffective is still going on that is disrupting the job of repairing the damage done is one I need to spend more time pondering! Or rather, I already know the answer, I just need to ponder some solutions/plans of action!!

Thanks so much for your input, jessed. I really appreciate it!

[newzie]

Hey Tail,

I certainly hear you, although I have been suffering for a shorter amount of time.

In fact, I think last night was possible the worst night of my existence on earth; I won't go into details but I felt defeated. I woke today feeling defeated, shaking, sweating, lying in bed, not wanting to get out (and in fact I lied there for a good 2 hours staring blankly at the TV, just trying to go back to sleep to escape the horrors of this life I have been living).

But then, I got up. I made breakfast. I showered; I re-mulched the flower beds. I still feel like shit, but I functioned. Did it make me feel better? Not really but it enabled me to 'forget' for a few moments here and there about everything I have been going through.

The only thing I can recommend to you is to keep on, keeping on. 5-6 years is a long time to be dealing with this stuff, but I truly believe you will get better at some point. The meds seems to be helping and they will continue to help. If they don't something else will help.

The only thing I would suggest, if you haven't already tried it, is hypnotherapy. I think a lot of the issues that people like us have stem from fearing the fear. If you can remove the fear (of the fear), you can get the root of the problem. I wouldn't go in expecting to be cured instantaneously, but I truly believe it can help and have personally seen people transformed with it.

Good luck my friend.

[Perses]

Dear Tailspin,

Ah!! You know I've always wanted to live in London. Visited once, and loved it. In fact, I regularly look at London real estate (that's one expensive city to live in!). Your use of the word independent is interesting. You were more independent when you lived in London. You feel now that you've submerged your identity -- or that your sense of self-worth, self-possession isn't what it was when you were in England. I think you have mentioned your unwillingness to fly in another post. I suppose you might feel trapped in the US. Do you have a job? Hobbies? {I think I might well be asking too many questions!!} It has been my experience that to stave off random anxious thoughts, the best thing to do is to keep busy with other people's problems. This is probably why I'm on here, typing away. I might suggest volunteering somewhere, or perhaps taking a class at a local community college. What I would also consider is whether you should indeed try the klonopin your doctor suggested. If that helps you, then I'd consider flying back to England. If you feel homesick... . I wonder if you feel like Nora in Ibsen's A Doll House.

I think your posts are always so articulate, so, if this helps, I think you have a great "identity" -- always well-considered, thoughtful and caring. Oh, and if you need someone to go to London with you, I'll be happy to accompany you. Maybe I could start a new line of work -- Travel companion to the Anxious ... from someone who knows Anxiety.

Love the posts on here, all so thoughtful.

[jessed03]

I am going to recovery but in order to recovery i have to fill this tank again . I am starting to do this by putting more fuel in it . But because of all the holes its still hard and where i am looking at some patches for those holes .


This bits a gem.

It highlights the big difference between writing a post and having to live it.

It really is like putting a glass back together (difficult enough!!), but then having to mess around with all the niggling little bits that leak -- All without a manual!!

Your determination has always been obvious, I hope it happens for you sooner rather than later.

[tailspin]

Hey Tail,

I certainly hear you, although I have been suffering for a shorter amount of time.

In fact, I think last night was possible the worst night of my existence on earth; I won't go into details but I felt defeated. I woke today feeling defeated, shaking, sweating, lying in bed, not wanting to get out (and in fact I lied there for a good 2 hours staring blankly at the TV, just trying to go back to sleep to escape the horrors of this life I have been living).

But then, I got up. I made breakfast. I showered; I re-mulched the flower beds. I still feel like shit, but I functioned. Did it make me feel better? Not really but it enabled me to 'forget' for a few moments here and there about everything I have been going through.

The only thing I can recommend to you is to keep on, keeping on. 5-6 years is a long time to be dealing with this stuff, but I truly believe you will get better at some point. The meds seems to be helping and they will continue to help. If they don't something else will help.

The only thing I would suggest, if you haven't already tried it, is hypnotherapy. I think a lot of the issues that people like us have stem from fearing the fear. If you can remove the fear (of the fear), you can get the root of the problem. I wouldn't go in expecting to be cured instantaneously, but I truly believe it can help and have personally seen people transformed with it.

Good luck my friend.

Thanks for the support and encouragement, newzie!! It is much appreciated! I'm really sorry you had such a bad night last night. I've had some real doozies too (the worst I've ever felt has been in the middle of the night. I guess are defenses are at their lowest then and boy, can I vouch for that!!) Good on you for getting up and getting on with things today despite last night. I hope things get better for you soon. Yes, keep on keeping on is definitely a great mantra!!

[tailspin]

I think if you are in a long plateau then its time to upset the apple cart . To change the rules of the game . Because if there is one thing i have learned is that mental health problems are sneaky little bastards that like playing my their rules and trick you into doing that .

Hi forwells. Thanks for another great post! The bit above stood out for me especially. You're absolutely right. I need to change the rules of the game!!

It's awful that so much of the past few years for you has been about recovering from a bad reaction to meds and bad advice from professionals. Was it depression then that first brought you to the doctor? But he didn't recognize it as depression and instead gave you benzo's and you had a terrible reaction to them? So now you're sticking with depression treatment - eg, St John's Wort?

I'm so glad you're finally about to get some decent treatment at the clinic you mentioned. Now you will be able to put your fight fully into the recovery process, and not in fighting the system!

[tailspin]

Dear Tailspin,

Ah!! You know I've always wanted to live in London. Visited once, and loved it. In fact, I regularly look at London real estate (that's one expensive city to live in!). Your use of the word independent is interesting. You were more independent when you lived in London. You feel now that you've submerged your identity -- or that your sense of self-worth, self-possession isn't what it was when you were in England. I think you have mentioned your unwillingness to fly in another post. I suppose you might feel trapped in the US. Do you have a job? Hobbies? {I think I might well be asking too many questions!!} It has been my experience that to stave off random anxious thoughts, the best thing to do is to keep busy with other people's problems. This is probably why I'm on here, typing away. I might suggest volunteering somewhere, or perhaps taking a class at a local community college. What I would also consider is whether you should indeed try the klonopin your doctor suggested. If that helps you, then I'd consider flying back to England. If you feel homesick... . I wonder if you feel like Nora in Ibsen's A Doll House.

I think your posts are always so articulate, so, if this helps, I think you have a great "identity" -- always well-considered, thoughtful and caring. Oh, and if you need someone to go to London with you, I'll be happy to accompany you. Maybe I could start a new line of work -- Travel companion to the Anxious ... from someone who knows Anxiety.

Love the posts on here, all so thoughtful.


Hi again, Perses! I LOVE your quote!! How true is that?!?!

Thanks so much for all your kind words! I love that you love London and regularly look at London real estate!! :) I still own my apartment there, but an agency rents it out for me (I still owe a mortgage on it and renting it out is a good way to cover the mortgage repayments). Unfortunately this means I never get to stay there. Mind you, that doesn't really matter since I never go to London anymore anyway thanks to my flying phobia!

Yes, you are spot on when you say that I might be feeling trapped here in California. I do feel trapped. But really the only person trapping me here is me! It's my own fears, my own mind that are creating the trap. But talking about feeling trapped in California is also a huge injustice to the life I have here, which is really pretty great. It's not even that I want to live in London again. When I left London to come here, I was actually feeling really burned out from my job and from London life and was quite ready to leave it behind.

What would be ideal would be if I were able to fly easily between California and London. And the only thing stopping me from doing that is ME!!!! For a few years at the beginning, I did fly back and forth. But gradually it got more and more difficult - the flying part, I mean. I've never liked flying but I could tolerate it. Over time though my tolerance eroded and then one year I made the mistake of not going and since then I haven't been back. Luckily my Mum comes over here to visit (my Dad passed away some years ago). In fact, my Mum is here now!

I also just want to say that my husband is really supportive and I feel bad if I'm giving the impression that I don't like living here or that I'm unhappy in my marriage. If I have submerged my identity, again, this is all my fault. My husband wanted me to continue working in the field I was in previously. There were a couple of reasons why that didn't happen though. Firstly I didn't have my visa sorted out right away so I couldn't work here legally to begin with. Then I ended up helping my husband in his business (he owns a small business). And by the time my visa and everything else came through I had got into a rhythm of working at my husband's business. Then we adopted some beautiful dogs and now our dogs are my life and they come to work with us and I can't imagine working anywhere else where I couldn't take them with me. But certainly, working in my husband's business is just another way that I have merged into his life. The dogs are my thing though!!!! :) They have definitely given me a new identity. I am now officially the "crazy dog lady"!! :)

I am totally with you on keeping busy with other people's problems being a good way to stave off random anxious thoughts!! I sure am glad I found this site!!

Thanks so much again, Perses! I really appreciate and value all your helpful feedback!

PS: I love your new career idea of Travel Companion to the Anxious!!!! :)
PPS: Doing a class at the local Adult Ed place is a great idea. I did actually do a couple some years ago and I think it would be good for me to do another!

[tailspin]

To be honest i really don't know .

I bent down in the PO one day and lost my sight , well it split as in i could see two lots of things .

Looking back before that my body had started to react to things more than it should and i had had weird thoughts , like worrying about things i would never have worried about . I had also been getting migraines often .

I went to the hospital as i was just not feeling right . Within 2 minutes he told me i had anxiety and gave me two benzos and sent me home . You know these drugs made me sleepy and he let me drive the 35klms home .

He gave me another script for different benzos . I took these the next morning but they made the anxiety worse . I was having a paradoxical reaction to them.

I have spoke with my doctor about this and he has said sorry and that he never would have done this . I understand you see because i live in a very small town. He went away for Christmas and the people treating me after this only saw the anxiety and not what i was before the second benzo . I hated my doctor and it took me four years before i finally let rip on what i thought of him . He was shocked . It was only after this we worked out a plan . He tells me that i am a different one and that i have him starching his head .

Before all this happened i was under huge stress with huge debts , trouble with our house , mother dieing . And i had stopped my ADs.

It was going to happen i think as everything hit the fan after that . I lost my mum ( she was the only good one out of 5) , house ( which i busty my butt to buy) , business and job .

I knew nothing about ADs before all this . I was given them years ago and for something i should not have been . I took them on and off for 16 years and looking back they caused problems . There is a problem today that most doctors dont understand ADs but back then it was nearly none, they were just dished out like they were some cure all and never questioned . I was never asked about why i needed these drugs or reviewed if i should have been on them.

After i took the benzos i ended up back in hospital but because a bad reaction just looks like anxiety, they did not pick it up . In fact had they listened to me yelling at them that it was not the normal me then they would have seen it was the drugs . I am not one to argue with people that dont listen but i was just holding on so could not understand what was happening .

Within two days my world feel apart and i became a completely different person . The only reason i returned home was to pack up .

I dont blame anyone looking back because it is a very strange case . As i said i don't show depression but i think this is because i may have had it for so long that its normal . The more i am learning about depression the more i can relate . The problem is i always focused on the anxiety and learning about it .

I will try and explain .

If someone that had a normal , quite , peaceful life was to one day get depression they would feel it really bad . But you see i never had that so i sort of just accept every thing as it comes . I also never had anyone to prop me up so i could not just lay around and be depressed , i had to go do things no matter what . I guess i dont show depression as sadness but as angry and tiredness . This is something i want sorted before i take the St Johns again . I think i show depression physically rather than emotional . Although there are things i know i need to deal with but dont know how to . Its like if i let it go then it may not stop.

As you would know the quickest way to see a problem is to stop and think about it . When i stop i dont get anxious i simply get overwhemled and sad about everything . This tells me its not anxiety but depression i think.

All the people that have treated me have looked on a normal scale. The funny thing is that my life has never been normal so i am not going to show normal. As i said i have been fighting some thing for all of my 40 years . so now i have two options because i am tired of it . I can roll up and die which is not something i want or i can change it .

The only thing that i want is to be left alone . The problem is at the moment its from everything as i will be honest in that i am sick to death of fighting for everything .

Outcome i guess is that i just want to still be left alone to live my life but to not have to fight to do that .


Really sorry for all the many struggles, forwells. I totally get why you would be sick and tired of fighting. Not to mention dealing with professionals who don't get the full picture and just make things worse. Your attitude is actually amazingly positive!

I think there are many different ways that depression can manifest. Anxiety too for that matter. Definitely hard to get our heads around it all! But I really hope the new clinic team can help you get this sorted! Do you have an appointment yet?

Thanks again for all your helpful input!

[Perses]

Tailspin,

Thanks for your response. Crazy Dog Lady is a good identity to have. Funny how that moniker "crazy" is never applied to men with animals. Harrumph. I think you should work towards trying to fly back to London for a visit. Easier said then done. In fact, I think one of the stand-out aspects of this forum is that people here are quite capable of articulating their problems, of knowing their own minds. Our problem is that acting on what we know is paralyzing. I always wonder when I'm making a decision whether it's ME or my anxiety that is the final arbiter of what I will do.

Forwells,

I've been following your comments and it seems to me that what might have been construed as atypical symptoms of depression are, in fact, typical of depression in men. Here's a link that might be of interest to you: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_men_male.htm.

[tailspin]

Tailspin,

Funny how that moniker "crazy" is never applied to men with animals. Harrumph. I think you should work towards trying to fly back to London for a visit. Easier said then done. In fact, I think one of the stand-out aspects of this forum is that people here are quite capable of articulating their problems, of knowing their own minds. Our problem is that acting on what we know is paralyzing. I always wonder when I'm making a decision whether it's ME or my anxiety that is the final arbiter of what I will do.



Hi Perses! Haha! Yes, you're so right, "crazy dog/cat MAN" has never made it into common parlance! That's not right!

Boy, what you say here about us being very capable of articulating our problems but then not being able to follow through with action is SO true. This is my problem entirely. In fact, with me, unfortunately, it's often very much a case of "all talk and no action". It's like anxiety keeps me stuck in the process of articulating my problems over and over again, almost like a broken record, and I just can't seem to go to the next level of actually DOING something about those problems (for example, taking that flight to London). Very frustrating!! As they say, "talk is cheap". I really need to find a way to start taking action!!

Thanks for highlighting that for me. It really is a big problem of mine and it needs to be addressed!

How are you doing? I hope you are doing as well as possible, Perses!