four
10-01-2013, 08:53 PM
Hello everyone.
That's a good start I think. I'm finding it difficult to think of what to say and it's really bothersome. The thought of saying hello and meeting new people excites me only slightly more than it terrifies me. Even behind the screen I find it hard to put a sentence together more than a couple of words ahead. I want to tell you a little about me, and I'm glad when you read this it will all be visible at once. It's taking forever.
I'm 32 (or 31...I have a hard time remembering) and I live alone. I work as a research investigator for a shipping company. I don't really like it, but I don't think I've ever really liked working. I feel that's pretty normal. I enjoy working on computers and gaming. It lets me socialize when I feel like it and fly solo when I don't. I host a Minecraft sever that has helped me not only meet a few new people, but also waste incredible amounts of time. I come from a small town in Ohio that I miss from time to time. I get nostalgic in the fall. This time of year is my favorite, but I hate winter. Mostly just the snow, and only when it's on the roads, sidewalks, or my car. I love comedies. There haven't been a lot of laughs lately so that's where I get them. It makes me feel better sometimes.
So I'm not really sure how to label or classify what goes on with me. I suppose I can list a few of the things that bother me the most and leave it at that. I spend most of my time inside with the doors locked. Going outside doesn't bother me most of the time I just don't feel safe anywhere else but here. I have a hard time with confrontations and public attention. I have repeatedly lost my voice on the phone and in front of people by running out of breath. I don't realize until afterwards that I quit breathing and it's quite embarrassing at times. My job requires me to help people who are more often than not incredibly agitated and sometimes hostile. I only have to deal with a majority over email, but when I have a feeling someone won't like what I tell them I'm even bothered by the though of opening an email.
I spent some time in the hospital when I was fourteen for attempting suicide. In March of last year I spent a week in a crisis center under supervision when I went through a rough patch. I was having violent panic attacks and started sleeping in my closet. I pulled out clumps of hair during the night. My roommates took me to the center after they saw me hitting myself in the head while I was asleep. I actually remember doing it once, but it didn't feel like I was totally coherent. I was released after only a week and treated as an outpatient because I didn't have insurance. I got one visit with a doctor a month. That lasted for three months before I gave up on going. Three visits each consisted of roughly seven minute sit downs and a prescription. The weeks leading up to that week long stay were the darkest I've had and I think all these months later I haven't fully recovered.
I've always struggled with depression. Most of my quiet time consisted of daydreaming of a world that was made for me. I constantly refused to immerse myself in the real world, and to some degree I still do that. Everyday lately has been a bit of a struggle. Lately I've had a difficult time at work dealing with the stress. Most days I freeze up and just sit there staring at my desk not doing anything after I hit the breaking point. Twice I've just sat on the floor. No one can see me in the corner cubicle. My moods shift quickly and most of the time it's a rapid transition that leaves me useless for hours.
I'd have to say that my overall mood most of the time is sad. Over the last several months I have successfully isolated myself in my quiet apartment and when i go out most of the time I have my headphones in. I moved out of my roommate's apartment and got a job out of state. I visit my mother one or two weekends a month budget permitting. Not a day goes by that I don't feel something inside me screaming to get out, but wherever it comes from isn't strong enough to break through. I know I need help. I am quite sure that a licensed professional would be happy to see me (now that I'm insured), but it just never happens. My memory is terrible as of late. I have black spots in my memory that span weeks. I can't even remember how old I am right now. I know it's 31 or 32. I have to make lists on my phone of what I need to do or I forget. I have to use my phone because it's one of four things I never forget to grab when I leave the house. If I write it on paper I forget it's in my pocket assuming I remember to bring it at all.
So I'm sure that's way over sharing and quite honestly I feel terribly stupid having shared all of that with you. When I talk about my problems I always hear my own words as whining. So...I think I should stop there, and hopefully I haven't bothered anyone with my post.
I actually do look forward to meeting some new people.
"4"
That's a good start I think. I'm finding it difficult to think of what to say and it's really bothersome. The thought of saying hello and meeting new people excites me only slightly more than it terrifies me. Even behind the screen I find it hard to put a sentence together more than a couple of words ahead. I want to tell you a little about me, and I'm glad when you read this it will all be visible at once. It's taking forever.
I'm 32 (or 31...I have a hard time remembering) and I live alone. I work as a research investigator for a shipping company. I don't really like it, but I don't think I've ever really liked working. I feel that's pretty normal. I enjoy working on computers and gaming. It lets me socialize when I feel like it and fly solo when I don't. I host a Minecraft sever that has helped me not only meet a few new people, but also waste incredible amounts of time. I come from a small town in Ohio that I miss from time to time. I get nostalgic in the fall. This time of year is my favorite, but I hate winter. Mostly just the snow, and only when it's on the roads, sidewalks, or my car. I love comedies. There haven't been a lot of laughs lately so that's where I get them. It makes me feel better sometimes.
So I'm not really sure how to label or classify what goes on with me. I suppose I can list a few of the things that bother me the most and leave it at that. I spend most of my time inside with the doors locked. Going outside doesn't bother me most of the time I just don't feel safe anywhere else but here. I have a hard time with confrontations and public attention. I have repeatedly lost my voice on the phone and in front of people by running out of breath. I don't realize until afterwards that I quit breathing and it's quite embarrassing at times. My job requires me to help people who are more often than not incredibly agitated and sometimes hostile. I only have to deal with a majority over email, but when I have a feeling someone won't like what I tell them I'm even bothered by the though of opening an email.
I spent some time in the hospital when I was fourteen for attempting suicide. In March of last year I spent a week in a crisis center under supervision when I went through a rough patch. I was having violent panic attacks and started sleeping in my closet. I pulled out clumps of hair during the night. My roommates took me to the center after they saw me hitting myself in the head while I was asleep. I actually remember doing it once, but it didn't feel like I was totally coherent. I was released after only a week and treated as an outpatient because I didn't have insurance. I got one visit with a doctor a month. That lasted for three months before I gave up on going. Three visits each consisted of roughly seven minute sit downs and a prescription. The weeks leading up to that week long stay were the darkest I've had and I think all these months later I haven't fully recovered.
I've always struggled with depression. Most of my quiet time consisted of daydreaming of a world that was made for me. I constantly refused to immerse myself in the real world, and to some degree I still do that. Everyday lately has been a bit of a struggle. Lately I've had a difficult time at work dealing with the stress. Most days I freeze up and just sit there staring at my desk not doing anything after I hit the breaking point. Twice I've just sat on the floor. No one can see me in the corner cubicle. My moods shift quickly and most of the time it's a rapid transition that leaves me useless for hours.
I'd have to say that my overall mood most of the time is sad. Over the last several months I have successfully isolated myself in my quiet apartment and when i go out most of the time I have my headphones in. I moved out of my roommate's apartment and got a job out of state. I visit my mother one or two weekends a month budget permitting. Not a day goes by that I don't feel something inside me screaming to get out, but wherever it comes from isn't strong enough to break through. I know I need help. I am quite sure that a licensed professional would be happy to see me (now that I'm insured), but it just never happens. My memory is terrible as of late. I have black spots in my memory that span weeks. I can't even remember how old I am right now. I know it's 31 or 32. I have to make lists on my phone of what I need to do or I forget. I have to use my phone because it's one of four things I never forget to grab when I leave the house. If I write it on paper I forget it's in my pocket assuming I remember to bring it at all.
So I'm sure that's way over sharing and quite honestly I feel terribly stupid having shared all of that with you. When I talk about my problems I always hear my own words as whining. So...I think I should stop there, and hopefully I haven't bothered anyone with my post.
I actually do look forward to meeting some new people.
"4"