What's wrong with me?

[mousecat]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this forum. I am not sure if I'm in the right place or if I belong here. So I will try and keep it brief. I am 39 years old, a father of one, married, with a reasonable job and generally good physical health. I do not smoke and rarely drink. I don't take drugs. I have no reason to feel depressed or anxious, none at all, as I have a lovely family and enough money to feed and clothe them, and a generally good life that many would be jealous of. And yet here I am.

Lately I have started to feel a bit strange. Best way I can describe it, everythig feels like it's grinding to a halt. My batteries are flat. As if I have been drained of all energy, all motivation, all joy. I sense time is running out in my life. The clock is ticking louder and louder in my head. Until very recently, I was buzzing with so many dreams, ambitions. But the last few months it has hit me that I am running out of time and will achieve NONE of what I really am capable of. I want to be a writer, I love writing fiction, I want to be a published novellist, it's been a dream since childhood. And lately this whole writing thing has taken a knock (rejections, bad critiques etc). It's been a bad year in that respect.

Next comes my job. My career in I.T. - which has flatlined. It's going nowhere. My best friend left for another job, good for him, I'm happy for him, but it made me realise what a failure I am. Then after a while, my feeling changed from wanting another job too, to simply not caring about work in general. It's become something to pay the bills, and I honsetly don't care about it. Which is sad, because I used to care. I find that I simply don't give a shit about a lot of things any more. I feel like it's all over for me. I have not achieved anything I set out to in my life, and perhaps now, I won't ever. My dreams of becoming a writer, forget it, I'm out of time. With age 40 looming, that's done. My career in I.T. has flatlined and I can't seem to progress any higher, but the worst part is that I no longer care. I can't work up any enthusiasm for anything, it all seems so pointless. So devoid of reward, so utterly worthless.

I am miserable at home. Not pleasant to live with. I am so tired. So very tired. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. But I can't. I have to work. I have to be a father. I have to do this, that, this, that, this, that. I'm so fucking tired and I need a break, just one fucking break. My son doesn't sleep properly. I'm up 3-4 times a night to feed or change him. I love him and worship the very ground he walks on, but in 2 and a half years NOTHING has helped him sleep properly, and I don't have the energy of a 20- or 30-year old father. At times I seriously worry that I'm going to drop dead right there at his bedside.

My mind is a fog. I can't think straight. It feels a struggle to 'connect' with the things which used to be in the front of my mind. The goals, the aims that drove me, are now hidden behind a veil. I can't see them any more.

I have chest pains and headaches and a 'heavy' feeling almost constantly. Sometimes I can't make decisions, can't focus. Often nowadays I feel shy, introverted, like an awkward teenager around people. But I am nearly 40 and older than some of them! And yet I feel like I want to curl up and hide from everyone and everything.

The next point is that I live in constant fear of cancer and brain tumours. People I vaguely know have been affected by cancer recently, and it feels like a warning shot aimed at me, "I'm going to get you, here's an example of what I'll do," says cancer to me. "Check this out," it says, and then does what it does. The fear is irrational, and yes I've spoken with my doctor about it more than once. But the teeth of that disease which consumed my father are still gnashing at my heels almost 20 years later. (He died of a spinal and brain tumour, an agonising and degrading death that lasted two years, and took his sight, hearing, speech, bowel control, his use of legs, and finally his ability to think).

I think about death a lot. Not just death, but mortality. I am hyper-aware of the temporarity of life. My life, my wife's, my son's. The fragility of us all. I worry irrationally about dying in my sleep.

My appetite is going. I don't seem to feel like eating much, or when I do, I crave fatty sugary foods to give me a 'boost' which inevitably doesn't last more than a few minutes.

Everything feels dark now, the lights have been turned off, but I don't know why. Nothing has changed. I was happy(ish) 6 months ago. The only things that changed are that my 40th birthday is coming up, and my work life has stalled, and my lifelong dreams of being a writer have drained away to shit.

I feel like I am made of lead. I am heavy. I am dragging myself from day to day. But I have no right to feel this way. I know that. There are people with serious life issues. I'm not one. I don't deserve to call myself depressed or anxious, and I would be wasting the time of a doctor if I saw one about this.

Whatever rug used to be under my feet has been pulled, and every moment feels uncertain and unsettled. It's the strangest feeling, and I see no reason for it.

What the hell is up with me? Is this what depression feels like? Or anxiety? Or panic? How can I make it stop?

[tailspin]

Hi mousecat. Wow, I can relate to a lot of this (it's a really well-written post, by the way!) I am actually 10 years older than you, at 49. But, I can distinctly remember feeling very depressed when my 40th Birthday was on the horizon (a lot worse than I feel now at 49 at the prospect of turning 50). Those big milestone Birthdays can often have this effect, especially if there is a history of depression, but I think that 40 is the worst because at 40 you are well and truly entering middle age for the first time (whereas at 50 you're already old!!).

I felt/feel depressed about getting older for many of the same reasons you describe here: losing my youth and some of the hopes and dreams that went with it; a sense of time running out and opportunities drying up; my own mortality and the real prospect of getting sick and dying, and losing those around me. Like you I lost my Dad to cancer and it was very hard and painful to witness his decline. And his death triggered a huge escalation of my own Health Anxiety and preoccupation with illness and dying. As you say, I am also hyper-aware of the fragility of existence. There is risk all around and life can be snatched from us - or from our loved ones - at any second.

I too am married and I have a wonderful husband who I really love and we have a lovely home and a very comfortable life and on the outside my life looks great. But inside I continue to struggle with depression and anxiety. As a 49 year old woman, I am also dealing with hormonal stuff that is definitely exacerbating my mood disorder.

At any rate, I really just wanted to say that I can totally relate to you! And I'm sure many others can too. You are not alone! Definitely it sounds to me as though you have depression. Two things that come to mind that I would suggest considering are: therapy and medication. I have found it really helpful to talk about my depression and anxiety issues with a therapist and I have done some group therapy too, which has also been helpful. Secondly, I take an anti-depressant medication and this has helped me considerably. Definitely, I still struggle, but I am doing a lot better on medication than without it.

I believe that, if you could get some help with your depression and if you started to feel better again emotionally, you would feel a lot more positive about your life too. And you would see that, at 39, actually, you do still have opportunities to fulfull some ambitions and that it really isn't too late! It's the depression robbing you of your energy, not your age.

Wishing you the very best!

[Perses]

Mousecat,

Tailspin's post is excellent! I second all she has to say. It sounds to me like you may be experiencing a bit of a mid-life crisis. I say that to let you know that you are not alone in feeling what you do. You sound despondent and so I would encourage you to speak to a therapist, or, if you have one, a religious leader, or to write it down in a journal (yes, you do write well!). You are frustrated with your job, and, you feel as if you aren't going anywhere. You feel stuck in a dead-end, mind-numbing work environment that used to be pleasurable for you but is now something you feel like you are doing out of duress, to support your family. Is your wife also working? I assume so since you are up regularly at night taking care of your son.

It seems to me that, aside from the approach of the 40 year milestone, the loss of your friend to another IT company is what brought on your current desolate mood.

All of your feelings are understandable. Many people, including myself, feel as if their lives have not lived up to their initial promise, or reaching a certain age, begin to worry about the diseases that took their parents, etc. Just because it seems that you have it all, doesn't mean that you can't feel miserable or unsatisfied, especially if you are a born high-achiever or are a normally highly-driven individual.

I wish I could offer you advice. Perhaps you could start a new hobby, something new that you could take up as a healthy distraction from work and family? Would it make sense to talk to a pediatrician about your son's sleepless nights? What does you wife say about this? I notice you don't mention anything about her, have you talked to her about this?

[trinidiva]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this forum. I am not sure if I'm in the right place or if I belong here. So I will try and keep it brief. I am 39 years old, a father of one, married, with a reasonable job and generally good physical health. I do not smoke and rarely drink. I don't take drugs. I have no reason to feel depressed or anxious, none at all, as I have a lovely family and enough money to feed and clothe them, and a generally good life that many would be jealous of. And yet here I am.

Lately I have started to feel a bit strange. Best way I can describe it, everythig feels like it's grinding to a halt. My batteries are flat. As if I have been drained of all energy, all motivation, all joy. I sense time is running out in my life. The clock is ticking louder and louder in my head. Until very recently, I was buzzing with so many dreams, ambitions. But the last few months it has hit me that I am running out of time and will achieve NONE of what I really am capable of. I want to be a writer, I love writing fiction, I want to be a published novellist, it's been a dream since childhood. And lately this whole writing thing has taken a knock (rejections, bad critiques etc). It's been a bad year in that respect.

Next comes my job. My career in I.T. - which has flatlined. It's going nowhere. My best friend left for another job, good for him, I'm happy for him, but it made me realise what a failure I am. Then after a while, my feeling changed from wanting another job too, to simply not caring about work in general. It's become something to pay the bills, and I honsetly don't care about it. Which is sad, because I used to care. I find that I simply don't give a shit about a lot of things any more. I feel like it's all over for me. I have not achieved anything I set out to in my life, and perhaps now, I won't ever. My dreams of becoming a writer, forget it, I'm out of time. With age 40 looming, that's done. My career in I.T. has flatlined and I can't seem to progress any higher, but the worst part is that I no longer care. I can't work up any enthusiasm for anything, it all seems so pointless. So devoid of reward, so utterly worthless.

I am miserable at home. Not pleasant to live with. I am so tired. So very tired. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. But I can't. I have to work. I have to be a father. I have to do this, that, this, that, this, that. I'm so fucking tired and I need a break, just one fucking break. My son doesn't sleep properly. I'm up 3-4 times a night to feed or change him. I love him and worship the very ground he walks on, but in 2 and a half years NOTHING has helped him sleep properly, and I don't have the energy of a 20- or 30-year old father. At times I seriously worry that I'm going to drop dead right there at his bedside.

My mind is a fog. I can't think straight. It feels a struggle to 'connect' with the things which used to be in the front of my mind. The goals, the aims that drove me, are now hidden behind a veil. I can't see them any more.

I have chest pains and headaches and a 'heavy' feeling almost constantly. Sometimes I can't make decisions, can't focus. Often nowadays I feel shy, introverted, like an awkward teenager around people. But I am nearly 40 and older than some of them! And yet I feel like I want to curl up and hide from everyone and everything.

The next point is that I live in constant fear of cancer and brain tumours. People I vaguely know have been affected by cancer recently, and it feels like a warning shot aimed at me, "I'm going to get you, here's an example of what I'll do," says cancer to me. "Check this out," it says, and then does what it does. The fear is irrational, and yes I've spoken with my doctor about it more than once. But the teeth of that disease which consumed my father are still gnashing at my heels almost 20 years later. (He died of a spinal and brain tumour, an agonising and degrading death that lasted two years, and took his sight, hearing, speech, bowel control, his use of legs, and finally his ability to think).

I think about death a lot. Not just death, but mortality. I am hyper-aware of the temporarity of life. My life, my wife's, my son's. The fragility of us all. I worry irrationally about dying in my sleep.

My appetite is going. I don't seem to feel like eating much, or when I do, I crave fatty sugary foods to give me a 'boost' which inevitably doesn't last more than a few minutes.

Everything feels dark now, the lights have been turned off, but I don't know why. Nothing has changed. I was happy(ish) 6 months ago. The only things that changed are that my 40th birthday is coming up, and my work life has stalled, and my lifelong dreams of being a writer have drained away to shit.

I feel like I am made of lead. I am heavy. I am dragging myself from day to day. But I have no right to feel this way. I know that. There are people with serious life issues. I'm not one. I don't deserve to call myself depressed or anxious, and I would be wasting the time of a doctor if I saw one about this.

Whatever rug used to be under my feet has been pulled, and every moment feels uncertain and unsettled. It's the strangest feeling, and I see no reason for it.

What the hell is up with me? Is this what depression feels like? Or anxiety? Or panic? How can I make it stop?

I just read your post and it made me cry. I feel exactly the same way. I am 37 and honestly I have been extremely blessed with a great husband and kids, beautiful home and good jobs, etc. I just can't shake this anxiety, specifically health anxiety. I have a few good months and then something will trigger the anxiety to come back. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Seriously! I am still fighting it and you should continue to also. And, don't give up on your dreams. If you want to be a writer, do it! My dad is in his late sixties and is writing a book, his first one. Go for it!!!!!!!!!!

[vic]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this forum. I am not sure if I'm in the right place or if I belong here. So I will try and keep it brief. I am 39 years old, a father of one, married, with a reasonable job and generally good physical health. I do not smoke and rarely drink. I don't take drugs. I have no reason to feel depressed or anxious, none at all, as I have a lovely family and enough money to feed and clothe them, and a generally good life that many would be jealous of. And yet here I am. Lately I have started to feel a bit strange. Best way I can describe it, everythig feels like it's grinding to a halt. My batteries are flat. As if I have been drained of all energy, all motivation, all joy. I sense time is running out in my life. The clock is ticking louder and louder in my head. Until very recently, I was buzzing with so many dreams, ambitions. But the last few months it has hit me that I am running out of time and will achieve NONE of what I really am capable of. I want to be a writer, I love writing fiction, I want to be a published novellist, it's been a dream since childhood. And lately this whole writing thing has taken a knock (rejections, bad critiques etc). It's been a bad year in that respect. Next comes my job. My career in I.T. - which has flatlined. It's going nowhere. My best friend left for another job, good for him, I'm happy for him, but it made me realise what a failure I am. Then after a while, my feeling changed from wanting another job too, to simply not caring about work in general. It's become something to pay the bills, and I honsetly don't care about it. Which is sad, because I used to care. I find that I simply don't give a shit about a lot of things any more. I feel like it's all over for me. I have not achieved anything I set out to in my life, and perhaps now, I won't ever. My dreams of becoming a writer, forget it, I'm out of time. With age 40 looming, that's done. My career in I.T. has flatlined and I can't seem to progress any higher, but the worst part is that I no longer care. I can't work up any enthusiasm for anything, it all seems so pointless. So devoid of reward, so utterly worthless. I am miserable at home. Not pleasant to live with. I am so tired. So very tired. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. But I can't. I have to work. I have to be a father. I have to do this, that, this, that, this, that. I'm so fucking tired and I need a break, just one fucking break. My son doesn't sleep properly. I'm up 3-4 times a night to feed or change him. I love him and worship the very ground he walks on, but in 2 and a half years NOTHING has helped him sleep properly, and I don't have the energy of a 20- or 30-year old father. At times I seriously worry that I'm going to drop dead right there at his bedside. My mind is a fog. I can't think straight. It feels a struggle to 'connect' with the things which used to be in the front of my mind. The goals, the aims that drove me, are now hidden behind a veil. I can't see them any more. I have chest pains and headaches and a 'heavy' feeling almost constantly. Sometimes I can't make decisions, can't focus. Often nowadays I feel shy, introverted, like an awkward teenager around people. But I am nearly 40 and older than some of them! And yet I feel like I want to curl up and hide from everyone and everything. The next point is that I live in constant fear of cancer and brain tumours. People I vaguely know have been affected by cancer recently, and it feels like a warning shot aimed at me, "I'm going to get you, here's an example of what I'll do," says cancer to me. "Check this out," it says, and then does what it does. The fear is irrational, and yes I've spoken with my doctor about it more than once. But the teeth of that disease which consumed my father are still gnashing at my heels almost 20 years later. (He died of a spinal and brain tumour, an agonising and degrading death that lasted two years, and took his sight, hearing, speech, bowel control, his use of legs, and finally his ability to think). I think about death a lot. Not just death, but mortality. I am hyper-aware of the temporarity of life. My life, my wife's, my son's. The fragility of us all. I worry irrationally about dying in my sleep. My appetite is going. I don't seem to feel like eating much, or when I do, I crave fatty sugary foods to give me a 'boost' which inevitably doesn't last more than a few minutes. Everything feels dark now, the lights have been turned off, but I don't know why. Nothing has changed. I was happy(ish) 6 months ago. The only things that changed are that my 40th birthday is coming up, and my work life has stalled, and my lifelong dreams of being a writer have drained away to shit. I feel like I am made of lead. I am heavy. I am dragging myself from day to day. But I have no right to feel this way. I know that. There are people with serious life issues. I'm not one. I don't deserve to call myself depressed or anxious, and I would be wasting the time of a doctor if I saw one about this. Whatever rug used to be under my feet has been pulled, and every moment feels uncertain and unsettled. It's the strangest feeling, and I see no reason for it. What the hell is up with me? Is this what depression feels like? Or anxiety? Or panic? How can I make it stop?
With the sounds of it I do not think you have ever come to terms with your fathers death some things can build up inside uz with out uz realising because ur turning 40 as well could be another fear a fear of age like I did my self wen I turned 30 u look at ur life nd wer u shld be but you also need to be greatful ur still here and u have good things as ther are many people struggling in countries like Africa ect that's what I tell my self I have anxiety and depression a lovely hubby 3 beautiful children nice house a car a lot more than some. I really think u would benefit addressing ur fears of ur father and illness. But when we are anxious and or depressed we only see negative things hence illness and death I am the same over thinking them a lot but when we are happy and positive yeah we will briefly think about them but we do not dwell on them as we are happy and we think of living. I've had anxiety for 18 yrs I've had many yrs wer it's felt as tho it wasn't ther but stressful situations do make it ther. Because ur fairly new to this I really think counciling and cbt would help you a lot.

[mousecat]

I just read your post and it made me cry. I feel exactly the same way. I am 37 and honestly I have been extremely blessed with a great husband and kids, beautiful home and good jobs, etc. I just can't shake this anxiety, specifically health anxiety. I have a few good months and then something will trigger the anxiety to come back. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Seriously! I am still fighting it and you should continue to also. And, don't give up on your dreams. If you want to be a writer, do it! My dad is in his late sixties and is writing a book, his first one. Go for it!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you. I am glad to know that I'm not the only one. If I am honest I have felt a bit like this on and off throughout my 30's but the last 6 months it has become crushing for me.

BTW, great that your dad is writing a book.

[mousecat]

Mousecat,

Tailspin's post is excellent! I second all she has to say. It sounds to me like you may be experiencing a bit of a mid-life crisis.



Thanks, yes I did wonder that, but then I thought mid life crises happend in your 50's not 40's. I guess there are no rules to this. Maybe that's what it is? Although I don't feel the need to do anything crazy like have an affair or buy a sports car, I do feel that time and life have passed me by. It is a sad feeling, very sad.


I say that to let you know that you are not alone in feeling what you do. You sound despondent and so I would encourage you to speak to a therapist, or, if you have one, a religious leader,


I do feel more inclined to speak to somebody rather than take medication. I feel very uncomfortable at the prospect of taking pills for this, at almost age 40 I have never taken medication for anything in my life. I would feel more comfortable talking to a counsellor but then again, shouldn't I be able to talk with my wife????


or to write it down in a journal (yes, you do write well!).

Thanks but lately my motivation to write has deserted me. It seems so pointless, like every creative activity I've ever enjoyed. Writing, music, drawing, computer programming... All pointless.


You are frustrated with your job, and, you feel as if you aren't going anywhere. You feel stuck in a dead-end, mind-numbing work environment that used to be pleasurable for you but is now something you feel like you are doing out of duress, to support your family.


That about sums it up, yes! Work has become a chore. All sense of ambition or enjoyment has gone. It seems my role in life has become to the 'bread winner', to pay the bills and feed my wife and child. That is all I am now. The earner. There seems no other purpose to working. This saddens me greatly.


Is your wife also working? I assume so since you are up regularly at night taking care of your son.


No, she does not work. She is a 'stay at home mum' as she gave up her job to look after our boy. I totally approve of this, as she is a great mum and I'd rather it were herself than a nanny or childminder looking after him.

The problem is that I like to help out. More fool me. I take my turn getting up at night to feed or change our son. I help her when she's tired, or ill. I try to be 'hands on' and 'helpful' but sometimes it feels like I just can't cope. I can't go to work all day and hten work again when I get home or when I'm supposed to be asleep. I can't cope. Sometimes I can, but usually, it grinds me down. I'm an idiot, a fool, my own worst enemy. I help out as much as I can, and it's killing me.



It seems to me that, aside from the approach of the 40 year milestone, the loss of your friend to another IT company is what brought on your current desolate mood.


I think you're correct there. It was a definite 'trigger point' for me. We had both been looking around for new jobs, he got one first, and went. This had two effects on me; first, I became lonely and depressed at work (even more than usual) because my friend had gone. It was sad. The last time I felt like this was as a kid, when my best buddy moved house, and I moped around pining for him. I knew it would happen though. Sooner or later, everyone leaves. Again, I did this to myself, I'm my own worst enemy, I allowed myself to form an attachment, a friendship, with somebody. It was always temporary, I just didn't care to admit it. Now, I have no choice. The second effect was that I felt a failure in my career, compared to him. He got a new job, I didn't. And guess what? It was my own fault! I turned down 2 offers of jobs, because they weren't what I wanted! What a fool. Nothing better has come along since. That's what I get for having ambition and direction I want to follow: A big slap in the face from reality. Serves me right.



All of your feelings are understandable. Many people, including myself, feel as if their lives have not lived up to their initial promise, or reaching a certain age, begin to worry about the diseases that took their parents, etc. Just because it seems that you have it all, doesn't mean that you can't feel miserable or unsatisfied, especially if you are a born high-achiever or are a normally highly-driven individual.


Yes, I agree, my life hasn't lived up to promise in many ways. But in others, I have so much to be proud of. It's just that I can't... 'feel' proud of it. I can't feel anything at the moment. Just fog.

I'm not particularly 'driven' or a 'high achiever', but I am very creative and imaginative. I guess I always hoped something would come of that, some recognition maybe. But no. Reality slaps me again. It's over. I'm nearly 40 and the silence is deafening. It's over.



I wish I could offer you advice.


You have! Thank you!! :-)



Perhaps you could start a new hobby, something new that you could take up as a healthy distraction from work and family? Would it make sense to talk to a pediatrician about your son's sleepless nights? What does you wife say about this? I notice you don't mention anything about her, have you talked to her about this?

Well, I do have hobbies, or used to, but time is so limited these days. You are right though, I need something, outside of the household area. I like going to the gym and swimming, but these are solitary pursuits, and I think I need something more social. I might try and resurrect my dead social life a bit. I think I need more human interaction.

About my wife, I've tried speaking with her, but all she says is, "go to the doctor, go to the doctor, go to the doctor". Our marriage is far from perfect. The sex is rare, I'm constantly frustrated, she's always "too tired" or "too stressed" yet in spite of everything, I'm horny every night! (And get nothing). Hence, even more depression.

[mousecat]

Hi tailspin..



I believe that, if you could get some help with your depression and if you started to feel better again emotionally, you would feel a lot more positive about your life too. And you would see that, at 39, actually, you do still have opportunities to fulfull some ambitions and that it really isn't too late! It's the depression robbing you of your energy, not your age.


Thank you so much for your prompt reply to my post. I'm sorry I took so long to respond. I found your response to be quite comforting actually. Especially to know that I'm not the only one to feel/have felt this way.

It seems strange to see the phrase "help with your depression" in context of myself, because "my depression" is something I don't care to acknowledge the existence of, or at least don't want to risk giving it the dignity of confirming it's existence. I guess that's why I'm scared of going to the doctor or getting help. I want to pretend it's not there and not an issue. Maybe I have to fist stop hiding from it and accept that "my depression" exists, before I get help. I don't know. It is so hard to think clearly. The fog, the pressure, the tiredness, the lack of caring about anything, it stops me being logical.

Thanks so much again for your reply.

[mousecat]

With the sounds of it I do not think you have ever come to terms with your fathers death

True, true, perhaps I haven't. It's difficult. I guess now that I'm a father myself, I worry about 'becoming' him. I don't want my son ever to witness me in such poor health.

Also, for so many reasons, I wish my Dad was here still, at this point in my life, so I could speak with him. I don't have a father figure or older man to ask for advice. I feel lonely in that respect. It's hard to find my way sometimes.



some things can build up inside uz with out uz realising because ur turning 40 as well could be another fear a fear of age like I did my self wen I turned 30 u look at ur life nd wer u shld be but you also need to be greatful ur still here and u have good things as ther are many people struggling in countries like Africa ect that's what I tell my self


I know, yes, I agree, and that's one point I made in my post, I don't feel I deserve to call myself anxious or depressed, there are people out there with "real" problems, I don't have a right to feel this way. AND YET I DO!!!!



Because ur fairly new to this I really think counciling and cbt would help you a lot.

Not sure about CBT but I think counselling might help. Thank you :-)