Shogun Assassin
11-29-2007, 05:11 AM
Hi, my name is Samuel Finn. I`m 32 years old from Belfast, Northern Ireland, i would like for some opinions on my disorder, god knows i need it.
I attended Glenwood Primary School up until the age of ten, upon which they expelled me because of disruptive behaviour, running up and down coridors as fast as a rocket, showing off etc. Also i didn`t even get a chance to do my eleven plus exam as the other pupils got to. My mother confronted the headmaster querying his decision, but to no avail. Also i got a few canings there as well. I was an overly active, loveable child that had his reader read before anyone else, and came out with basic mathematics.
After that, was sent to Lissue Psychiatric Hospital. According to my late father they were going to keep me in only for his interference and dismayal. It ended up that i went for day visits for about a year, going on day trips etc. I knew there was something wrong even then about my mistreatment as other children were moving onto secondary school. After that i attended Cedar Lodge Special School for five years, upon recalling, i can remember hanging onto the doors of the man building not even wanting to go into the place and having a say in the matter, mother/father and psychiatrist in tow.
I hated the place, getting the special school bus, white/yellow with BELB emblazoned on the side. One of the most frustrating factors attending, was stopping at other secondary schools picking other kids up. Only for them to make spastic signs and shout and revere at the bus every morning, it was humilitating to say the least.
I also go into numerous fights through no fault of my own, just bullies, general assholes trying to test their might against you. One the reasons i feel that i`ve had this anxiety for years when i`d have gotten into a fight i would be fueled and charged up with adrenaline only for it to subside and end up being a ragdoll to be tjhrown about, after upon which i`d end up crying, simply at the frustration of being put into that situation or sheer frustration at nto being to defend myself.
It was a case of desperation when i was sixteen, i simply begged my father to get me out of the place, most of the pupils had major health problems, muscular.dystrophy, asthma etc, and felt i shouldn`t have been there. I was asked to say on for another three years but refused. After i left in disgust, i came out with basic exams, AEB in English, Maths, Geography, RSA Stage 1 in Spreadsheet, Database, and Drawing. I burnt the exams upong leaving in the fire at home because of the frustration as the other pupils came out with GCSE exams. I seriously put it down to lack of concentration, also at being treated in the manner of the psychiatrist and education board put upon me, but there is times when i`m really on the ball, getting high scores in games etc online, only for to slump.
I never went to the YTP, (Youth Training programme) scheme, i simply sat in the house, up all hours of the mornings watching television, not tired etc. No motivation, sense of ambition or wanting to acheive, just numb i guess. My late father had bought a caravan again, one peviously when i was younger. I went to it now and again to get ouit of the city, chummed with a childhood mate now and then, but what really hit the fan was back in `97.
In the house next door there was major renovation work going on and i my mother and i just simply cracked, both for different reasons, i put it down to a serious build up of anxiety. I had wanted to confront the neighbours about the banging on the walls everyday but kept it inside, until the fact that i srated banging walls myself, lifting beds up and down, slamming them down on the floorboards, my kneecap frojm what i can recall were briused , i had hit the wall also with my feet and eventually it knocked off the hard skin, i even put a radio down the side of the bed and blasted music in retaliation for having to listen to the banging everyday, my father and the time didn`t know what to do, simply calling it a mad house.
The neighbours went into house on the other side of us, an elderly couple, i was obviously listening aginst the wall to hear their point of view, the elderly had mentioned to my mother and father, "No wonder you never worked having a son like that ! ". According to them everything was annoying me, i could hear the drone of their fridge reverberating against the wall at night, as they are small house 11.5 feet wide, you could hear a mouse fart, lol. I`ve think 100% my behaviour over the years is a result of anxiety with my nerves tow.
The whole situation of me banging in retailiation was that bad that i could hear the girl next door laughing at me, which made matters even worse, it simply got the stage that she moved out and now lives with her boyfriend a few streets away, she`s been ten years out of the house, lately her boyfriend came around to view the house to see anyone has lived there.
During this course my mother wasn`t at well herself and the pressure of seeing her behaviour with her nerves and depression didn`t help much and vice versa, thinking back my father had a hell of a lot to put with. After that, my mother ended up in a psychiatric ward with her own nerves, heavily depressed, making too much stomach acid, vomting, couldn`t keep anythng down, taking lactulose and dirtying herself, similar to somene bollemic. Over the course of the years she would return to the house, only to end up back in the same place again, to date she has been three time 5 1/2 stone in weight due to her condition and nearkly six years in care homes, she is seventy years old.
The next neighbour to move in was a girl that seemed to be bad with her nerves also. Matters got out of hand fast, she was letting children come into the house all night and even early hours of the morning, going to the back of the house jumping up and down on the bathroom roof, climbing onto our bathroom roof, on one occasion there was a small toddler lying in his pyjamas under by bedroom windowsill, high up above the yard, i simply couldn`t believe it. I couldn`t stick it any more, and went outside to wrap the window as a form of scare tactics with my knuckle oly to hit it my hand went right through it, i was standing with my hand intact not cut but wondering how i didn`t manage to cut myself, the pane smashed. I panicked, and went into the house again.
I went upstairs, and woke my father and explained to him what i did, the go off to police came around, guns out etc. But nothing more was said about it, the girl not long after moved out, peace at last again. After that another guy moved in, he had left his televsion on loud one night, and came in to apolgise, but at stage i was away with it with this anxiety and nerves and fired off again, i later found out that he was an ex paramilitary prisoner that had released after serving six years.
He confronted me at one stage of living there, asking what my problem with me and i mentioned that he looked like nothing. I was also at a chinese takeaway where he tried to assault me only for me to make haste and managed to get back to the house in time, on another occasion he came out out into the street barechested ready to go to war at me only for nothing to come about it
He eventually moved out, but some time after that. I was downstairs in the bathroom and heard a loud crash, the guy had went up the alley way, climbed up onto the yard wall onto the bathroom roof, and kicked in the bedroom window in some hope of getting at me, in frustration he topped the computer i had, televsion and wrecked a game console. The room was a mess, my late father at the time was at the top the ally way and the guy just pushed past him and that was the last of it. But i went with my father looking for hiatthe bar he worked at, only for him to make himself scarse. That was the finish of it, or so we thought.
Several months later, my mother had been gravely ill for the second time with her nerves, i was in a social club with my late father and went to the toilets, ia guy confronted me accusing me of torturing the neighbours and if it continued i was getting done, (assaulted, knee capping etc). I tried to explain to him that i wasn`t well but he didn`t want to know, i persisted only for him to start attacking me. I managed to get out of the to;liets and went back to sit with father, i mentioned that i been assaulted byt the guy sitting behind us.
My father enraged got up and went for him, i hit the guy a punch on the jaw, but he was a paramilitary and i`m sure had connections, so i avoided him outside the bar, my father and myself were barred from the club for a few months only for it to be lifted and the other guy was allowed back as well. We both returned to the club, but after a while i stopped going to it. One night my father was approached by a guy asking about my behaviour, it scared my father and he didn`t bother going back.
This was the work of the elderly couple`s son in my opinion. One night i heard them wrapping the wall on me, i didn`t answer, but another night i warpped back and they got the police for me. I tried to explain to the police that i wasn`t well but they didn`t want to know, they explained to me that the elderly lady had cancer and she was furious that she had to move from the back bedroom to the front bedroom because of me playing my computer all hours of the morning, i always tried to keep it low even for my father`s sake. Mmy computer was in the back bedroom of our house, it also came out that they had to listen to me banging with my anxiety/nerves for two years.
They saw that they weren`t getting anywhere, i went around to a local cafe and before i got there her son confronted me accusing of torturing his mother and father and if it continued four to five men would be waiitng on me outside a sports club my father and i frequented. I stood my ground and answered him back not to threaten me, only to be dragged from one side of the street to the other helpless to do anything about it, the only witness was a crossing guard lady.
After that he for some reason bear hugged me, and i managed to muster up enough energy to uppercut him, busted his nose and walked off in fury. He stood in the middle of the road holding his nose while blood poured from it, i walked up the street only to see his father driving areound the corner to see me and his son there, i give him the finger and went into the house. I had mentioned to my father about the assualt and not long after his wife came asking why i hit her husband answered her back as what was i menat to do.
Later that night, after a few beers we were sitting in the living room not knowing what to think. The living room door opened, three guys stood in a line in front of us, and proceeded to kick at me, i put myself into a ball position to absorb the blows, my father of course had to witness this, he was badly duiabled so couldn`t do anything to help. A bad leg with arthitis , raised shoe, blind in one eye, and two badly set hands from birth. After that, before leaving one of them picked up a pint glass i had been drinking out off and hit me over the head with it, it exploded and glass went everywhere, meanwhile the neighbours next door weren`t there at the time, but returned a day later, then went again for few days more, very strange.
Fast forward a while, i unleashed hell upon earth on them for what they and there son did to me and my father, banging walls etc, just going plain mad. Anytime one of their sons brought grand children into their house i would`ve started don them. They even got a guy they knew or rather her son knew to come around and threstened to take us out fo the house if my behaviour didn`t change. I can assure you i wasn`t torturing them, prior to the threats and her son assaulting me, it`s what they had to listen to with my anxiety/nerves that was the problem.
Well, they ended up selling their house and moved out. I felt a bit of justice out of it, but later felt a tad bit guilty. The best apart about all this madness it that i hadn`t problem with them and was shocked they even started on me. My fathrer and myself`s nerves were wrecked because of the whole ordeal and suggested that i should find another place to live.
He had mentioned even at the time about not playng into their hands but i didn`t bloody listen, maybe that`s the way anxiety affects you, not wanting to back down etc. It ended up because of their actions that i slumped into a depression for six years, first two years with post traumatic disorder, my father ended up an alcoholic prior to his death, minor brain damage, which resulted in some confusion, liver damage.
He even got mugged on a short break to Amsterdam that we went on together to get away from it all, it is bound to have a strain on his heart. he died with a heart condition in 5th of June 2003, his death nearly killed me, i couldn` take it fully because of the depression, and my mother was in a bad way herself for the thrid time with depression/nerves, weight loss.
To finalise this story off for about ten years, more neighbours have moved because of me, but they were no good, yelling all over the place, two mechanics, doing work outuisde the house on their cars, blasting music through the walls all hours of the morning. The elderly couples house has been bought over twice by two letting agents. My late father`s house ended up being vandalised by them and i ended up badly beaten because a paramilitary moved in beside me, i saw the plaque on his wall , it being UFF BALLYSIILIAN and furious that he chose to live beside me after being beaten up- with them previously.
I do accept i suffer from anxiety, the doctor has diagnosed with GAD. But i think i`m also ADHD, the axniety creeps up atthebest fotime, especially when your`e doing something productive or recreational, gaming time suffers from it. I`ve never worked, loved a woman, had sex or had any real friends and very skeptical about the company i talk to in bars etc. this is my story. :D
I attended Glenwood Primary School up until the age of ten, upon which they expelled me because of disruptive behaviour, running up and down coridors as fast as a rocket, showing off etc. Also i didn`t even get a chance to do my eleven plus exam as the other pupils got to. My mother confronted the headmaster querying his decision, but to no avail. Also i got a few canings there as well. I was an overly active, loveable child that had his reader read before anyone else, and came out with basic mathematics.
After that, was sent to Lissue Psychiatric Hospital. According to my late father they were going to keep me in only for his interference and dismayal. It ended up that i went for day visits for about a year, going on day trips etc. I knew there was something wrong even then about my mistreatment as other children were moving onto secondary school. After that i attended Cedar Lodge Special School for five years, upon recalling, i can remember hanging onto the doors of the man building not even wanting to go into the place and having a say in the matter, mother/father and psychiatrist in tow.
I hated the place, getting the special school bus, white/yellow with BELB emblazoned on the side. One of the most frustrating factors attending, was stopping at other secondary schools picking other kids up. Only for them to make spastic signs and shout and revere at the bus every morning, it was humilitating to say the least.
I also go into numerous fights through no fault of my own, just bullies, general assholes trying to test their might against you. One the reasons i feel that i`ve had this anxiety for years when i`d have gotten into a fight i would be fueled and charged up with adrenaline only for it to subside and end up being a ragdoll to be tjhrown about, after upon which i`d end up crying, simply at the frustration of being put into that situation or sheer frustration at nto being to defend myself.
It was a case of desperation when i was sixteen, i simply begged my father to get me out of the place, most of the pupils had major health problems, muscular.dystrophy, asthma etc, and felt i shouldn`t have been there. I was asked to say on for another three years but refused. After i left in disgust, i came out with basic exams, AEB in English, Maths, Geography, RSA Stage 1 in Spreadsheet, Database, and Drawing. I burnt the exams upong leaving in the fire at home because of the frustration as the other pupils came out with GCSE exams. I seriously put it down to lack of concentration, also at being treated in the manner of the psychiatrist and education board put upon me, but there is times when i`m really on the ball, getting high scores in games etc online, only for to slump.
I never went to the YTP, (Youth Training programme) scheme, i simply sat in the house, up all hours of the mornings watching television, not tired etc. No motivation, sense of ambition or wanting to acheive, just numb i guess. My late father had bought a caravan again, one peviously when i was younger. I went to it now and again to get ouit of the city, chummed with a childhood mate now and then, but what really hit the fan was back in `97.
In the house next door there was major renovation work going on and i my mother and i just simply cracked, both for different reasons, i put it down to a serious build up of anxiety. I had wanted to confront the neighbours about the banging on the walls everyday but kept it inside, until the fact that i srated banging walls myself, lifting beds up and down, slamming them down on the floorboards, my kneecap frojm what i can recall were briused , i had hit the wall also with my feet and eventually it knocked off the hard skin, i even put a radio down the side of the bed and blasted music in retaliation for having to listen to the banging everyday, my father and the time didn`t know what to do, simply calling it a mad house.
The neighbours went into house on the other side of us, an elderly couple, i was obviously listening aginst the wall to hear their point of view, the elderly had mentioned to my mother and father, "No wonder you never worked having a son like that ! ". According to them everything was annoying me, i could hear the drone of their fridge reverberating against the wall at night, as they are small house 11.5 feet wide, you could hear a mouse fart, lol. I`ve think 100% my behaviour over the years is a result of anxiety with my nerves tow.
The whole situation of me banging in retailiation was that bad that i could hear the girl next door laughing at me, which made matters even worse, it simply got the stage that she moved out and now lives with her boyfriend a few streets away, she`s been ten years out of the house, lately her boyfriend came around to view the house to see anyone has lived there.
During this course my mother wasn`t at well herself and the pressure of seeing her behaviour with her nerves and depression didn`t help much and vice versa, thinking back my father had a hell of a lot to put with. After that, my mother ended up in a psychiatric ward with her own nerves, heavily depressed, making too much stomach acid, vomting, couldn`t keep anythng down, taking lactulose and dirtying herself, similar to somene bollemic. Over the course of the years she would return to the house, only to end up back in the same place again, to date she has been three time 5 1/2 stone in weight due to her condition and nearkly six years in care homes, she is seventy years old.
The next neighbour to move in was a girl that seemed to be bad with her nerves also. Matters got out of hand fast, she was letting children come into the house all night and even early hours of the morning, going to the back of the house jumping up and down on the bathroom roof, climbing onto our bathroom roof, on one occasion there was a small toddler lying in his pyjamas under by bedroom windowsill, high up above the yard, i simply couldn`t believe it. I couldn`t stick it any more, and went outside to wrap the window as a form of scare tactics with my knuckle oly to hit it my hand went right through it, i was standing with my hand intact not cut but wondering how i didn`t manage to cut myself, the pane smashed. I panicked, and went into the house again.
I went upstairs, and woke my father and explained to him what i did, the go off to police came around, guns out etc. But nothing more was said about it, the girl not long after moved out, peace at last again. After that another guy moved in, he had left his televsion on loud one night, and came in to apolgise, but at stage i was away with it with this anxiety and nerves and fired off again, i later found out that he was an ex paramilitary prisoner that had released after serving six years.
He confronted me at one stage of living there, asking what my problem with me and i mentioned that he looked like nothing. I was also at a chinese takeaway where he tried to assault me only for me to make haste and managed to get back to the house in time, on another occasion he came out out into the street barechested ready to go to war at me only for nothing to come about it
He eventually moved out, but some time after that. I was downstairs in the bathroom and heard a loud crash, the guy had went up the alley way, climbed up onto the yard wall onto the bathroom roof, and kicked in the bedroom window in some hope of getting at me, in frustration he topped the computer i had, televsion and wrecked a game console. The room was a mess, my late father at the time was at the top the ally way and the guy just pushed past him and that was the last of it. But i went with my father looking for hiatthe bar he worked at, only for him to make himself scarse. That was the finish of it, or so we thought.
Several months later, my mother had been gravely ill for the second time with her nerves, i was in a social club with my late father and went to the toilets, ia guy confronted me accusing me of torturing the neighbours and if it continued i was getting done, (assaulted, knee capping etc). I tried to explain to him that i wasn`t well but he didn`t want to know, i persisted only for him to start attacking me. I managed to get out of the to;liets and went back to sit with father, i mentioned that i been assaulted byt the guy sitting behind us.
My father enraged got up and went for him, i hit the guy a punch on the jaw, but he was a paramilitary and i`m sure had connections, so i avoided him outside the bar, my father and myself were barred from the club for a few months only for it to be lifted and the other guy was allowed back as well. We both returned to the club, but after a while i stopped going to it. One night my father was approached by a guy asking about my behaviour, it scared my father and he didn`t bother going back.
This was the work of the elderly couple`s son in my opinion. One night i heard them wrapping the wall on me, i didn`t answer, but another night i warpped back and they got the police for me. I tried to explain to the police that i wasn`t well but they didn`t want to know, they explained to me that the elderly lady had cancer and she was furious that she had to move from the back bedroom to the front bedroom because of me playing my computer all hours of the morning, i always tried to keep it low even for my father`s sake. Mmy computer was in the back bedroom of our house, it also came out that they had to listen to me banging with my anxiety/nerves for two years.
They saw that they weren`t getting anywhere, i went around to a local cafe and before i got there her son confronted me accusing of torturing his mother and father and if it continued four to five men would be waiitng on me outside a sports club my father and i frequented. I stood my ground and answered him back not to threaten me, only to be dragged from one side of the street to the other helpless to do anything about it, the only witness was a crossing guard lady.
After that he for some reason bear hugged me, and i managed to muster up enough energy to uppercut him, busted his nose and walked off in fury. He stood in the middle of the road holding his nose while blood poured from it, i walked up the street only to see his father driving areound the corner to see me and his son there, i give him the finger and went into the house. I had mentioned to my father about the assualt and not long after his wife came asking why i hit her husband answered her back as what was i menat to do.
Later that night, after a few beers we were sitting in the living room not knowing what to think. The living room door opened, three guys stood in a line in front of us, and proceeded to kick at me, i put myself into a ball position to absorb the blows, my father of course had to witness this, he was badly duiabled so couldn`t do anything to help. A bad leg with arthitis , raised shoe, blind in one eye, and two badly set hands from birth. After that, before leaving one of them picked up a pint glass i had been drinking out off and hit me over the head with it, it exploded and glass went everywhere, meanwhile the neighbours next door weren`t there at the time, but returned a day later, then went again for few days more, very strange.
Fast forward a while, i unleashed hell upon earth on them for what they and there son did to me and my father, banging walls etc, just going plain mad. Anytime one of their sons brought grand children into their house i would`ve started don them. They even got a guy they knew or rather her son knew to come around and threstened to take us out fo the house if my behaviour didn`t change. I can assure you i wasn`t torturing them, prior to the threats and her son assaulting me, it`s what they had to listen to with my anxiety/nerves that was the problem.
Well, they ended up selling their house and moved out. I felt a bit of justice out of it, but later felt a tad bit guilty. The best apart about all this madness it that i hadn`t problem with them and was shocked they even started on me. My fathrer and myself`s nerves were wrecked because of the whole ordeal and suggested that i should find another place to live.
He had mentioned even at the time about not playng into their hands but i didn`t bloody listen, maybe that`s the way anxiety affects you, not wanting to back down etc. It ended up because of their actions that i slumped into a depression for six years, first two years with post traumatic disorder, my father ended up an alcoholic prior to his death, minor brain damage, which resulted in some confusion, liver damage.
He even got mugged on a short break to Amsterdam that we went on together to get away from it all, it is bound to have a strain on his heart. he died with a heart condition in 5th of June 2003, his death nearly killed me, i couldn` take it fully because of the depression, and my mother was in a bad way herself for the thrid time with depression/nerves, weight loss.
To finalise this story off for about ten years, more neighbours have moved because of me, but they were no good, yelling all over the place, two mechanics, doing work outuisde the house on their cars, blasting music through the walls all hours of the morning. The elderly couples house has been bought over twice by two letting agents. My late father`s house ended up being vandalised by them and i ended up badly beaten because a paramilitary moved in beside me, i saw the plaque on his wall , it being UFF BALLYSIILIAN and furious that he chose to live beside me after being beaten up- with them previously.
I do accept i suffer from anxiety, the doctor has diagnosed with GAD. But i think i`m also ADHD, the axniety creeps up atthebest fotime, especially when your`e doing something productive or recreational, gaming time suffers from it. I`ve never worked, loved a woman, had sex or had any real friends and very skeptical about the company i talk to in bars etc. this is my story. :D