Sarah_1292
09-22-2013, 07:57 PM
Hey everyone, I just felt I needed to get this off my chest, finally, My AAD, PAD has been going on for so long I can sometimes control it but then times like this I feel it getting too much, reading other people's storys help me massively so I want to share with you guys my story and I really want to hear back similaritys and your storys! I have shortened it the best I can sorry for the excessiveness!) I've never shared this with anyone other than my partner but I feel I need answers and I'm scared to seek professional help. Please read it all its all relevant again sorry for how much there is!
My names Sarah, I'm recently 21, I started experiencing Panic Attacks at 16 but at the time I didn't know they were panic attacks and I thought I was actually dying, I couldn't leave the house as something would trigger me to freeze up, I was kicked out of college for not attending. The first panic attack I had was ongoing for a month it seemed, I wasn't sleeping as I thought something was coming for me and I wasn't eating well and afterwards was most likely sick as I thought it was stuck in my throat, I managed to control my panic after a second doctor told me it was a panic disorder and reading about it helped control the attacks (My first doctor tried to section me :D )
My anxiety seemed to fade away for about a year, but It came back and since has gradually just gotten worse to this point - I feel a loss of interest in daily things, I generally have a blank mind and find it extremely hard to concentrate or process a thought or decision, loss of interest in personal appearance, loss of motivation, crying spells, With drawl from life and from people, constantly feel although I'm being left behind and the worlds moving around me but I find it difficult to concentrate on a thought to help me overcome this my mind its just numb/blank.
I have obsessive intrusive thoughts which I find extremely hard to shake and also hard to comprehend and I spend weeks wondering why I thought of such things but also I spend weeks over thinking it which then puts me in a panic (Often aggressive towards myself or my partner, I sometimes whilst stood at a crossing feel as-though I could step out onto the road or when I see a bus come real close to me I get an urge but I don't want these feelings! I don't want to hurt anyone or myself!) there were 2 pairs of really big sharp scissors in our bedroom and I felt uneasy that they were there and had horrible thoughts and I couldn't remove them myself because I didn't want to touch them or admit I had to move them but my partner moved them downstairs and I feel instantly better about the whole thing. I tell my partner whenever I get these feelings and he luckily had an understanding kind heart and isn't scared of me! I feel as though I'm always in pain, I have an ongoing stomach pain which agonizes me when present and I think this is stress related as it happen's roughly every 6 months and trip's to the hospital haven't helped, bloods are always normal. I sometimes find it difficult to feel love for anyone even my partner who I know I love absolutely dearly I couldn't have anyone else and wouldn't want anyone else, he understands and supports me through these times and he never question's it! But why is my head persistent in trying to break me apart, new types of anxiety spring up which add's to the already ongoing anxiety, I sometimes find it hard to recognized myself and I want to overcome this but I don't know how, I don't know how to think! My partner ask's me all the time "if you could do anything right now what would you want to do?" and I honestly, genuinely can't answer because I can't actually think of anything I want to do I feel constantly disorientated!!
I find it hard to maintain friendships, at the age of 18 my father suddenly passed and I was in college at the time, and the friends I had made I gained some sort of disliking to them and once I finished college I moved away to live with my partner and I haven't spoken to them since, I used to be a really really outgoing bubbly person who socialized all the time but I only do this now when I drink which I don't really drink anymore as I get upset and its just a bad night for me, anyways.
I just don't understand, I still have spells where I'm really happy and optimistic and creative but there's more bad days than good, I'm not miserable per say but this anxiety is dragging me to the lowest point right now. the whole feeling disconnected and withdrawn from my partner and family came about after I attended a court case, I won the case which had been ongoing for a year in which I was a witness and the same day after court, I sat with my family and partner, and I looked down, had a cold and then instantly after hot flush, and I instantly looked up and felt no love or connection with anyone and my surroundings appeared farther away from me and abit disorientated. But my anxiety and intrusive thoughts make me believe there's something more to it and I need to break away but I also know this is anxiety.
I'm hoping the start of work will really help improve my outlooks on life as I have unemployed for over a year from no fault of my own, I apply every week to lots of jobs and I never hear back. I'm not asking anyone to understand it all or anything, It would just be nice to be able to hear other people's storys on intrusive thoughts, blank minds, anxiety ect. Thank you so much for reading!
My names Sarah, I'm recently 21, I started experiencing Panic Attacks at 16 but at the time I didn't know they were panic attacks and I thought I was actually dying, I couldn't leave the house as something would trigger me to freeze up, I was kicked out of college for not attending. The first panic attack I had was ongoing for a month it seemed, I wasn't sleeping as I thought something was coming for me and I wasn't eating well and afterwards was most likely sick as I thought it was stuck in my throat, I managed to control my panic after a second doctor told me it was a panic disorder and reading about it helped control the attacks (My first doctor tried to section me :D )
My anxiety seemed to fade away for about a year, but It came back and since has gradually just gotten worse to this point - I feel a loss of interest in daily things, I generally have a blank mind and find it extremely hard to concentrate or process a thought or decision, loss of interest in personal appearance, loss of motivation, crying spells, With drawl from life and from people, constantly feel although I'm being left behind and the worlds moving around me but I find it difficult to concentrate on a thought to help me overcome this my mind its just numb/blank.
I have obsessive intrusive thoughts which I find extremely hard to shake and also hard to comprehend and I spend weeks wondering why I thought of such things but also I spend weeks over thinking it which then puts me in a panic (Often aggressive towards myself or my partner, I sometimes whilst stood at a crossing feel as-though I could step out onto the road or when I see a bus come real close to me I get an urge but I don't want these feelings! I don't want to hurt anyone or myself!) there were 2 pairs of really big sharp scissors in our bedroom and I felt uneasy that they were there and had horrible thoughts and I couldn't remove them myself because I didn't want to touch them or admit I had to move them but my partner moved them downstairs and I feel instantly better about the whole thing. I tell my partner whenever I get these feelings and he luckily had an understanding kind heart and isn't scared of me! I feel as though I'm always in pain, I have an ongoing stomach pain which agonizes me when present and I think this is stress related as it happen's roughly every 6 months and trip's to the hospital haven't helped, bloods are always normal. I sometimes find it difficult to feel love for anyone even my partner who I know I love absolutely dearly I couldn't have anyone else and wouldn't want anyone else, he understands and supports me through these times and he never question's it! But why is my head persistent in trying to break me apart, new types of anxiety spring up which add's to the already ongoing anxiety, I sometimes find it hard to recognized myself and I want to overcome this but I don't know how, I don't know how to think! My partner ask's me all the time "if you could do anything right now what would you want to do?" and I honestly, genuinely can't answer because I can't actually think of anything I want to do I feel constantly disorientated!!
I find it hard to maintain friendships, at the age of 18 my father suddenly passed and I was in college at the time, and the friends I had made I gained some sort of disliking to them and once I finished college I moved away to live with my partner and I haven't spoken to them since, I used to be a really really outgoing bubbly person who socialized all the time but I only do this now when I drink which I don't really drink anymore as I get upset and its just a bad night for me, anyways.
I just don't understand, I still have spells where I'm really happy and optimistic and creative but there's more bad days than good, I'm not miserable per say but this anxiety is dragging me to the lowest point right now. the whole feeling disconnected and withdrawn from my partner and family came about after I attended a court case, I won the case which had been ongoing for a year in which I was a witness and the same day after court, I sat with my family and partner, and I looked down, had a cold and then instantly after hot flush, and I instantly looked up and felt no love or connection with anyone and my surroundings appeared farther away from me and abit disorientated. But my anxiety and intrusive thoughts make me believe there's something more to it and I need to break away but I also know this is anxiety.
I'm hoping the start of work will really help improve my outlooks on life as I have unemployed for over a year from no fault of my own, I apply every week to lots of jobs and I never hear back. I'm not asking anyone to understand it all or anything, It would just be nice to be able to hear other people's storys on intrusive thoughts, blank minds, anxiety ect. Thank you so much for reading!