blondie23
09-21-2013, 01:27 PM
HI guys, I'm new to this thread. I'm glad I found a community with other people going through what I am.
So I have had anxiety all my life.. Have gone up and down continuously with depression. In dec of last year I hit complete rock bottom. I was extremely anxious.. Panic attacks all the time. Suicide was all over my mind but I continued to fight it because three years ago, my 20 year old cousin committed. I'm 22 now.. Will be 23 in February.
I went to a psychologist in dec last year and continuing to go. It helps here and there.. But sometimes I hate going because I don't feel like my guards down all the way.
Two months later I was referred to a psychiatrist. Love her. She's very intelligent and knows what she's doing. Since I met her. I started lexapro at 5mg.. Then 10mg.. Still didn't feel great. Depression subsided but then I was extremely anxious all the time. So she gave me ativan at 5mg and can go up to 1.5 mg in one day. It helps but only temporary. She increased my lex to 15mg. No attacks but anxiety and limp in the throat. Then went up to 20mg. That's where I am now. Have been on that for two months. These two months have been horrible. I'm in a graduate school program and having a hard time managing everything. Recently I have a hard time concentrating. No lump in the throat.. But I feel flat. I can't express my emotions. I have a wonderful fiancé and were doing great. Except the occasional emotional break down. I cried for the first time a few weeks ago in a while felt good. I want to cry now to let my emotions out but feel stuck. I am happy inside for everything that's going on.. Happy to be in my last two heard of school to get my masters and work. Excited in getting married. Excited for our new apartment in three weeks. But don't feel I express it well. I don't know what to do.
My med check this morning.. She told me she's going to decrease the meds to 15mg but only on Friday will I start because I have 5 exams this week. So then I will decrease since she said it'll affect me... I just took 2mg ativan to calm me down. I'm so anxious and feel like I should get in my car on the highway and drive up a storm for my frustration. But I won't do that. I need my focus to study but feel no motivation. I'm tired of being in a constant roller coaster and wish it was easy she'd be like here take this pill and I'm happy. But I know it's not like that. I feel alone, frustrated and angry. I want to get better.... I'm afraid of feeling over the top again with this decrease ugh! Any advice or same experience??!
Sorry long winded just need someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through!!
Ps during this past year a lot has happened in my life that I'm adjusting. Two family members past.. My uncle from a stroke and my grandfather died in a fire on st Patricks day this year. I graduated undergrad, broke my foot then started my intense grad program. Now moving and trying to manage school. My families crazy with drama and just themselves so I can't talk to anyone. They have a negative perspective of mental illness....
So I have had anxiety all my life.. Have gone up and down continuously with depression. In dec of last year I hit complete rock bottom. I was extremely anxious.. Panic attacks all the time. Suicide was all over my mind but I continued to fight it because three years ago, my 20 year old cousin committed. I'm 22 now.. Will be 23 in February.
I went to a psychologist in dec last year and continuing to go. It helps here and there.. But sometimes I hate going because I don't feel like my guards down all the way.
Two months later I was referred to a psychiatrist. Love her. She's very intelligent and knows what she's doing. Since I met her. I started lexapro at 5mg.. Then 10mg.. Still didn't feel great. Depression subsided but then I was extremely anxious all the time. So she gave me ativan at 5mg and can go up to 1.5 mg in one day. It helps but only temporary. She increased my lex to 15mg. No attacks but anxiety and limp in the throat. Then went up to 20mg. That's where I am now. Have been on that for two months. These two months have been horrible. I'm in a graduate school program and having a hard time managing everything. Recently I have a hard time concentrating. No lump in the throat.. But I feel flat. I can't express my emotions. I have a wonderful fiancé and were doing great. Except the occasional emotional break down. I cried for the first time a few weeks ago in a while felt good. I want to cry now to let my emotions out but feel stuck. I am happy inside for everything that's going on.. Happy to be in my last two heard of school to get my masters and work. Excited in getting married. Excited for our new apartment in three weeks. But don't feel I express it well. I don't know what to do.
My med check this morning.. She told me she's going to decrease the meds to 15mg but only on Friday will I start because I have 5 exams this week. So then I will decrease since she said it'll affect me... I just took 2mg ativan to calm me down. I'm so anxious and feel like I should get in my car on the highway and drive up a storm for my frustration. But I won't do that. I need my focus to study but feel no motivation. I'm tired of being in a constant roller coaster and wish it was easy she'd be like here take this pill and I'm happy. But I know it's not like that. I feel alone, frustrated and angry. I want to get better.... I'm afraid of feeling over the top again with this decrease ugh! Any advice or same experience??!
Sorry long winded just need someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through!!
Ps during this past year a lot has happened in my life that I'm adjusting. Two family members past.. My uncle from a stroke and my grandfather died in a fire on st Patricks day this year. I graduated undergrad, broke my foot then started my intense grad program. Now moving and trying to manage school. My families crazy with drama and just themselves so I can't talk to anyone. They have a negative perspective of mental illness....