VictoriaLeigh
09-17-2013, 11:23 PM
This anxiety is killing me...figuratively of course...maybe literally too, it depends on the day and what ailment I am currently convinced I have.
I've always thought of myself as a fairly rational person, but lately, I've just been out of control.
A brier history, I'm 20, in college full time with a full time job taking care of horses. Horses are stressful, they are like children. There's a great quote about horses that goes something like "horses have two options each day, to try to kill themselves, or someone else"...it's pretty much true, but what can I say, I love the beasts. Anyway, I've suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. I think it was all triggered by my grandmother dying at age 10 (can still remember it vividly, especially my mom screaming and crying when she got the phone call...then going to the nursing home she lived in at 11 pm). I distinctly remember having "attacks" where I would get lightheaded and feel like I was choking. I also had episodes where I would get completely out of control, scream I was going to kill myself or someone else, and start throwing things. It was actually horses that eventually brought me out of that bad place and I was able to be happy. I dealt with various kinds of anxiety throughout my teen years but nothing as bad as what I'm currently dealing with. Maybe if feels worse this time because for a while there I was REALLY happy and wasn't dealing with any type of anxiety issue outside of "normal" stuff.
But over this summer I had everything fall apart. I had an ocular migraine thanks to an oncoming car high beaming me out of no where when cresting a hill that scared me half to death. It fully convinced me I had a brain tumor. That plus a horse being euthanized and 4 other horses getting sick, all within a month span...my brain was mentally fried. I started looking up all sorts of visual stuff and as soon as I read about a particular vision issue I would notice it. Floaters, spots, flashes, afterimages, visual snow, once I read about it...I had it. Along with heart palps, choking feelings, feeling foggy headed and off balance, occasionally light headed, lots of tense sore muscles, overall fatigue, trouble sleeping (insomnia followed by sleeping for 14 hours), full blown panic attacks every night while driving (thought I would have another ocular migraine), twitching/shaking, feeling like I couldn't get enough air, and when I was really really really bad I would wake up feeling like my whole body was buzzing or vibrating, it was the strangest feeling ever. Mentally I just felt out of it, like I was in a dream or something. I kept thinking, "I wonder if I'm in a coma". I would feel panicky for no apparent reason, then feel exhausted, feel depressed a lot, I had periods where I just felt super emotional and out of control, screaming, crying, throwing things. I don't know if I was mad about my symptoms or just mad at all the crap life was throwing at me. Afterwards I would just feel blah, like the world could go on without me and it wouldn't even matter. I lost interest in everything I cared about, my horses, my friends, my family, my artwork (in art school). I can't ever remember feeling SO bad.
I'm pulling out of it a little bit, mentally at least, but my physical symptoms are lingering and I'm afraid that my worry over them is going to pull me into a very dark place again. There were days I would just stand in the shower and cry because I didn't know how to feel or how to live. But I'm better now, I climbed out and don't want to go back in.
I don't know how to get rid of these lingering symptoms. I'm trying to just ignore them and if I have a significant distraction I'm okay for a while. But sitting in class? Driving? Working at my barn? I'm prone to panic attacks, visual disturbances, etc. It is the worst when I'm in class, I feel like everyone is looking at me and I notice ALL my symptoms.
I hate this. I hate anxiety. I don't want my life ruled by it. I don't need to feel this way. I know eventually I'll be able to pull myself out of it, but it feels SO much worse this time. I refuse to go on meds. They aren't for me, I feel like if I take them I'm just surrendering to the problem, like I can't fix it myself, and I need to fix it myself.
Please tell me I'm not alone here.
I've always thought of myself as a fairly rational person, but lately, I've just been out of control.
A brier history, I'm 20, in college full time with a full time job taking care of horses. Horses are stressful, they are like children. There's a great quote about horses that goes something like "horses have two options each day, to try to kill themselves, or someone else"...it's pretty much true, but what can I say, I love the beasts. Anyway, I've suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. I think it was all triggered by my grandmother dying at age 10 (can still remember it vividly, especially my mom screaming and crying when she got the phone call...then going to the nursing home she lived in at 11 pm). I distinctly remember having "attacks" where I would get lightheaded and feel like I was choking. I also had episodes where I would get completely out of control, scream I was going to kill myself or someone else, and start throwing things. It was actually horses that eventually brought me out of that bad place and I was able to be happy. I dealt with various kinds of anxiety throughout my teen years but nothing as bad as what I'm currently dealing with. Maybe if feels worse this time because for a while there I was REALLY happy and wasn't dealing with any type of anxiety issue outside of "normal" stuff.
But over this summer I had everything fall apart. I had an ocular migraine thanks to an oncoming car high beaming me out of no where when cresting a hill that scared me half to death. It fully convinced me I had a brain tumor. That plus a horse being euthanized and 4 other horses getting sick, all within a month span...my brain was mentally fried. I started looking up all sorts of visual stuff and as soon as I read about a particular vision issue I would notice it. Floaters, spots, flashes, afterimages, visual snow, once I read about it...I had it. Along with heart palps, choking feelings, feeling foggy headed and off balance, occasionally light headed, lots of tense sore muscles, overall fatigue, trouble sleeping (insomnia followed by sleeping for 14 hours), full blown panic attacks every night while driving (thought I would have another ocular migraine), twitching/shaking, feeling like I couldn't get enough air, and when I was really really really bad I would wake up feeling like my whole body was buzzing or vibrating, it was the strangest feeling ever. Mentally I just felt out of it, like I was in a dream or something. I kept thinking, "I wonder if I'm in a coma". I would feel panicky for no apparent reason, then feel exhausted, feel depressed a lot, I had periods where I just felt super emotional and out of control, screaming, crying, throwing things. I don't know if I was mad about my symptoms or just mad at all the crap life was throwing at me. Afterwards I would just feel blah, like the world could go on without me and it wouldn't even matter. I lost interest in everything I cared about, my horses, my friends, my family, my artwork (in art school). I can't ever remember feeling SO bad.
I'm pulling out of it a little bit, mentally at least, but my physical symptoms are lingering and I'm afraid that my worry over them is going to pull me into a very dark place again. There were days I would just stand in the shower and cry because I didn't know how to feel or how to live. But I'm better now, I climbed out and don't want to go back in.
I don't know how to get rid of these lingering symptoms. I'm trying to just ignore them and if I have a significant distraction I'm okay for a while. But sitting in class? Driving? Working at my barn? I'm prone to panic attacks, visual disturbances, etc. It is the worst when I'm in class, I feel like everyone is looking at me and I notice ALL my symptoms.
I hate this. I hate anxiety. I don't want my life ruled by it. I don't need to feel this way. I know eventually I'll be able to pull myself out of it, but it feels SO much worse this time. I refuse to go on meds. They aren't for me, I feel like if I take them I'm just surrendering to the problem, like I can't fix it myself, and I need to fix it myself.
Please tell me I'm not alone here.