just another wreck of a person

[dancing with the devil]

Hey all, this is my first post here. I used to go on depression forums a lot when i was 17 or so, I'm in my 20's now, and I still have anxiety and depression. I'm too broke and don't have health insurance, so I never actually saw a doc about it. My life has especially been a mess for the past few weeks, I was doing fine for quite some time before that, I don't even know what triggered this. I'm married and I can't even talk to my spouse about it without being accused of being a bummer and a downer, I don't really have that many friends because I recently moved and work from home. I have major insecurities about my body and my looks, i get really paranoid over the stupidest things, and i'm alone in this. I hold grudges and am still upset and angry about things that happened years ago, and it's eating me up. I've been lied to a lot in my life and some of my biggest nightmares I used to think were all in my head came true, so now I have even more trust issues. I feel unstable. And I don't know where to turn. I guess that's it in a nutshell.

[alankay]

You are perhaps just a "highly sensitive person"....like many of us!!! :) Alankay

[Dan Medz]

Many of us here know this feeling. I know it's rough. I know rough doesn't even begin to describe it. It feels like you're about to topple off the edge of a cliff. Just know it won't last forever. I can relate to the things you're saying. Almost all of my nightmares came true and I was a sensitive and anxious person even before my crazy mess started. There's no easy answers but you ever need an ear. Message me or continue posting here.

[Drausin]

I'm so sorry to hear it. I've been there, and I know it sucks. But I've (almost) gotten out of it, so there's hope. It's crushing, but when you're out, it's a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

Just keep going.

[dancing with the devil]

thank you for replies. I was this way ever since i remember myself, even when i was 5, i remember having severe anxiety and paranoia. And until now, I still have the same kind of feelings, feeling nauseated and sick each time. I remember checking myself into ER once because I almost fainted, and was gasping for air, and I thought I was having a heart attack. I also have obsessive thoughts, and feel this urge to always rehash the worst moments/thoughts in my brain over and over, as detailed as possible, for some reason i subconsciously believe it will help me come to some sort of conclusion, and that it'll help to let go, but it never does. I have deep trust issues and the most ridiculous paranoid ideas come to mind, almost certainly impossible, all the what ifs, and then i obsess over them and make myself believe even more that they might be true, with no real evidence at hand. Needless to say it's impacted all of my social interactions and relationships, caused a lot of issues and resentment, from others towards me, and the other way round.
For some reason I always assume the worst case scenario, I feel safer if I assume everything is as bad as it gets, probably because I'm terrified of a rude awakening someday. A lot of the time that is also not backed up, but as I mentioned before, I've had fears and suspicions that I thought were unreasonable and plain paranoid, which turned out to be valid and correct, and ever since then I don't trust anyone, even myself. Because I can't draw a line between my gut and my insanity.

[nf1234]

Just know that you are not alone and we are hear for you. I know you said money is tight but maybe you should try to start saving to see a professional. I think it would really help and they could get you on the right path to over coming all of this. It wears on you with time but just know that it can get better and it has for many of us.