raggamuffin
09-16-2013, 12:09 PM
Hi all,
Been a while since I posted on here. I'm sure many people who are still on the road to recovery find confrontation; no matter how big or small to be a trigger for the fight or flight response. Today I had the displeasure of such an incident. It didn't turn into a full blown panic attack, thanks to a quick walk outside, fresh air and a cup of chamomille tea. But it left me pondering things; more specifically why I remain friends with some people.
I speak to nearly all my ex's, and we remain friends. Today I was speaking to one ex. It was a short lived relationship 3 years ago, there was no spark there. She had little emotional capacity, wasn't interested in showing affection, got stoned and high all the time on hard drugs and had this choking air of smugness about her at all times. We simply didn't click, and to be honest in those situations you can't drag things out; so I ended it with her.
She wasn't responding to my Facebook introduction of the usual "hello, how are you?" She started by sending me 2 songs, 40's numbers, jazz singers who were singing about broken love, namely:
Nina Simone - Tomorrow is my turn
Margo White - You Had Your Chance
Quite oppressive stuff and seemed quite out of place for her. I said I was surprised she liked such music as usually she played reggae or jungle etc. So it was quite refreshing finding another person who appreciated the old 40's n 50's styles. Her reply was quite curt and she's the type of person to end many sentences with "..." which to me always comes across as rather conceited or deliberately leaving someone lingering and seeming somewhat passive aggressive.
Her reply to my surprise of her song links was that "not enough people appreciate the meaning of the lyrcis because they don't listen..." That seemed odd to me and I wasn't sure why she'd be pointing out the meaning of the lyrics. I always listen and appreciate the lyrics, yes they were nice lyrics, rather depressing but why not? Happy or sad, lyrics have just as much gravitas. I decided to post a song I was listening to, on a same note, about love ending etc. A song titled "Where has this love gone" a reggae/dub number that I thought she'd appreciate; being a fan of said genres. She then said to me something utterly out of the blue and in my opinion so nauseatingly big headed. Yes this is how it started, it's not mid sentence:
"The bottom line is im not interested. i like to move forward in life, not backwards. i didnt want to hurt you, but i can see what your chasing."
Really? She gleaned that from chatting on FB about small talk, music, holidays etc? Never once had I spoken about caring for her still, wanting to meet or anything of that nature. So I said:
"Que? There's no subtext here whatsoever I simply linked you a song that I was listening to."
That's that I thought, maybe she'd apologize, maybe she'd change the subject? I didn't read anything into the songs she'd sent me to have any relation whatsoever to our situation. She replied, not with words, simply a song. Another reggae number titled: "Once a Man, Twice a Child".For someone believing my song link had subtext to the situation, clearly her song links were the one's she was a using to convey her feelings and the songs lyrical subtext therein. I concluded with this:
"So do you not wish to discuss it further? You seem to think I was sending you subtext in the song I sent to you. To which there was none whatsoever. I have no desire to get back together with you and for you to assume that is very conceited on your part. Since you haven't had the courtesy to reply and simply send me a song titled "Once a Man Twice a Child" am I right in assuming you sent this song assuming it has a relevent subtext to this situation?
Let me reiterate, i'm not interested in rekindling anything we once had. The very fact you'd assume a song about lost love as any relation to what we had seems to suggest you forgot why it ended anyway. There was no spark, it felt more like a friendship. Ergo to assume the song I sent had any subtext is a foolish presumption. Anyways enough waffling, if you wish to remain friends and can accept that I am only here to talk as a friend then that's good. I welcome the friendship. If you canot, for want of a better term get over yourself then simply unfriend me."
Guess what, she unfriended and blocked me. I imagine she thought it had a valid meaning of saying she didn't want to speak to me as I wasn't worth the time. Ironically the conclusion in my opinion has shown her be the one who isn't worth the time or effort. I think she misread into things and didn't have the common courtesy to simple admit she'd slipped up. I think I burst her ego bubble somewhat. But you know what? I felt guilty. I feel guilty over all manner of things, from seeing road kill when i'm driving, to apologizing for events that are never my fault. This stuck with me and really gnawed away at me for quite some time. Whilst it didn't result in a panic attack it made me feel pretty downtrodden and empty.
Ed
Been a while since I posted on here. I'm sure many people who are still on the road to recovery find confrontation; no matter how big or small to be a trigger for the fight or flight response. Today I had the displeasure of such an incident. It didn't turn into a full blown panic attack, thanks to a quick walk outside, fresh air and a cup of chamomille tea. But it left me pondering things; more specifically why I remain friends with some people.
I speak to nearly all my ex's, and we remain friends. Today I was speaking to one ex. It was a short lived relationship 3 years ago, there was no spark there. She had little emotional capacity, wasn't interested in showing affection, got stoned and high all the time on hard drugs and had this choking air of smugness about her at all times. We simply didn't click, and to be honest in those situations you can't drag things out; so I ended it with her.
She wasn't responding to my Facebook introduction of the usual "hello, how are you?" She started by sending me 2 songs, 40's numbers, jazz singers who were singing about broken love, namely:
Nina Simone - Tomorrow is my turn
Margo White - You Had Your Chance
Quite oppressive stuff and seemed quite out of place for her. I said I was surprised she liked such music as usually she played reggae or jungle etc. So it was quite refreshing finding another person who appreciated the old 40's n 50's styles. Her reply was quite curt and she's the type of person to end many sentences with "..." which to me always comes across as rather conceited or deliberately leaving someone lingering and seeming somewhat passive aggressive.
Her reply to my surprise of her song links was that "not enough people appreciate the meaning of the lyrcis because they don't listen..." That seemed odd to me and I wasn't sure why she'd be pointing out the meaning of the lyrics. I always listen and appreciate the lyrics, yes they were nice lyrics, rather depressing but why not? Happy or sad, lyrics have just as much gravitas. I decided to post a song I was listening to, on a same note, about love ending etc. A song titled "Where has this love gone" a reggae/dub number that I thought she'd appreciate; being a fan of said genres. She then said to me something utterly out of the blue and in my opinion so nauseatingly big headed. Yes this is how it started, it's not mid sentence:
"The bottom line is im not interested. i like to move forward in life, not backwards. i didnt want to hurt you, but i can see what your chasing."
Really? She gleaned that from chatting on FB about small talk, music, holidays etc? Never once had I spoken about caring for her still, wanting to meet or anything of that nature. So I said:
"Que? There's no subtext here whatsoever I simply linked you a song that I was listening to."
That's that I thought, maybe she'd apologize, maybe she'd change the subject? I didn't read anything into the songs she'd sent me to have any relation whatsoever to our situation. She replied, not with words, simply a song. Another reggae number titled: "Once a Man, Twice a Child".For someone believing my song link had subtext to the situation, clearly her song links were the one's she was a using to convey her feelings and the songs lyrical subtext therein. I concluded with this:
"So do you not wish to discuss it further? You seem to think I was sending you subtext in the song I sent to you. To which there was none whatsoever. I have no desire to get back together with you and for you to assume that is very conceited on your part. Since you haven't had the courtesy to reply and simply send me a song titled "Once a Man Twice a Child" am I right in assuming you sent this song assuming it has a relevent subtext to this situation?
Let me reiterate, i'm not interested in rekindling anything we once had. The very fact you'd assume a song about lost love as any relation to what we had seems to suggest you forgot why it ended anyway. There was no spark, it felt more like a friendship. Ergo to assume the song I sent had any subtext is a foolish presumption. Anyways enough waffling, if you wish to remain friends and can accept that I am only here to talk as a friend then that's good. I welcome the friendship. If you canot, for want of a better term get over yourself then simply unfriend me."
Guess what, she unfriended and blocked me. I imagine she thought it had a valid meaning of saying she didn't want to speak to me as I wasn't worth the time. Ironically the conclusion in my opinion has shown her be the one who isn't worth the time or effort. I think she misread into things and didn't have the common courtesy to simple admit she'd slipped up. I think I burst her ego bubble somewhat. But you know what? I felt guilty. I feel guilty over all manner of things, from seeing road kill when i'm driving, to apologizing for events that are never my fault. This stuck with me and really gnawed away at me for quite some time. Whilst it didn't result in a panic attack it made me feel pretty downtrodden and empty.
Ed