New-my story pt. 2

[Whattodo?]

By this time my high and I had settled down and on the ride home I was very tired but happy in my "normal" high. When I got home I went straight to sleep. As a sidenote I never did any drugs other than marijuana, and from that day on I have never ever done any type of illicit substance, and am very afraid of it. This seems to be the only shining light from my panic. My parents thought a trip to the doc was a good idea, so the next day we went, I was anxiety free, and saw the doc, the did an ultrasound on my heart, and told me a specialist had to look at it, but said everything looked fine. So back to school I went, I had a tiny amount of residual anxiety in the following days, but I went about business as usual. Then about a week later my parents got a phone call from the doc. Me being a nosey teen, listened in uninvited on the conversation. What I heard that day created the horror I experience today. The doc told my parents it looked like a had an ejection fraction of 10% which is the force at which blood is ejected from the heart, the norm is like 40%. What this meant is that I must have a thickening of the heart muscle called a cardiomyopathy, which could lead to sudden death at any moment. The scheduled me with a world renowned cardiologist from Walter Reed Medical Center in D.C., that would come to Ft. Bragg to treat patients and since my father was an officer and I was a dependent I was able to see her. The only problem was the appointment was in 10 days. I got very angry at my parents for trying to hide this from me, which now I wish they would have been successful at. I spent the next 10 days in absolute dread, slept on floor next to my mom's bed, didn't go anywhere my parents weren't, and wouldn't stay alone. I felt like a 2 year old again. So finally the appointment day was here, we go, and the doc does the same tests again, and tells me she expected to see everything messed up in my chest, but there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, nothing at all, she said the urgent care people must be idiots. With a clean bill of health I left the hospital, thankful it was over and very relieved, I thought I could get on with my life now, But wait. The anxiety never stopped, I wasn't in constant fear, but I was again strapped to my mother's hip like a child. This did wonders for my self esteem. I was put on Paxil sometime later, I don't know if it was months, or a year, And me and Paxil have had one hell of a love-hate relationship since then. I have been well enough to fly alone, and drive out of town alone at times, and have been so scared I didn't want to leave the neighborhood. I have tried to get off Paxil no less than 5 times all unsuccessfully. The lowest I have ever gotten was 5mg and that is pretty low, but didn't know anything about Ativan or therapeutic ways to let it pass, so I took a pill and back up I went. I am currently at 6 mg, down from 40mg over the past 16 months. I go down 0.4 mg, almost every week with liquid Paxil. My life is very limited, I don't go anywhere without someone else, I don't go more than about 7 miles from home, and I stopped seeing my therapist, who by the way is world renowned Dr. Reid Wilson, author of Don't Panic, who is in Durham NC, only 1.5 hours from me. But then again I am down to 6 mg, I am not doing much and don't plan to until I am completely off Paxil, since I don't know if my increased state of anxiety is due to withdrawal, or my bodies inability to function without medicine. Once I am without the meds I will know for sure that every sensation I get is all me and not a result of weening off meds.
I do not know where I will go with my life, I have a very strong support system, but everyone needs a break. I am scared I will never get over this and my life will be unfulfilled. I don't go out, I am a little overweight, I can't do the one thing in life I want to, and am very envious of people who can. I hate being a 26 yr. old baby.

[Velrose]

Hello! I just read both parts of your story, and with no comments from on it, I wanted to tell you (and though you probably know this) you're not alone. These forums are fantastic really, and like you, I found just typing out my story, and talking to people who are similar, and different from me helped a thousand times over. I've only been posting here a short while, but it has helped.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do in your spare time. Distraction plays a massive part of my control over my (now only sometimes) severe panic. I play video games, watch tons of Japanese dramas and anime--anything light hearted and funny to keep my mind off bad things.

Anyhow, I will keep this short for now--I have a tendency to ramble on at times. Welcome and best of luck!

[Whattodo?]

I own a gym, so I work out alot. I play video games and watch lots of movies and TV, thanks to Netflix. I actually spend alot of my time trying to think of ways to beat this thing.

[Velrose]

well speaking from my experience, the more I think of ways to beat it, the more I dwell on it. I try really hard just to distract myself. My anxiety gets worse when I am alone, left to my own thoughts, so I just try to keep busy. Working out is an awesome thing, I have heard it is supposed to help with anxiety--as in trying to force yourself to work out when you begin feeling antsy. I can't say for sure about it, I have a four year old and it's a little hard for me to just up and go running or walking or something--usually I'll sprint or walk up and down the hallway to try and work out some of the tweakiness.

I've made use of a lot of youtube and veoh--though they shouldn't many people post whole movies (in parts) or television shows on there. It's been a life saver especially late at night for me. Well, if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me here--if nothing else, it provides me with another distraction! ^_~

[Whattodo?]

PM me too if you need to talk. As far as working out is concerned, I feel better after working out because my anxiety is centered around my heart, so I know that as long as I am in shape I shouldn't worry about a heart attack, and that helps some. Also, I only have anxiety when my heart is going fast and I don't know why. I can work out all day and not have a problem b/c I know my heart is going fast because I am working out. I start panicing when i'm driving and my heart skips a beat, or laying down and my heartrate is elevated, even though I know its probably from digestion or something.

[Velrose]

That seems to very a common type of anxiety here on the forums. Personally, the only time I have ever been concerned about my heart was one night I woke up from a nightmare and was right in the middle of a panic attack upon waking. I had never had an attack so serious, so when my heart started pounding, and my pulse was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, I automatically thought I was having a panic attack. Soon though, I began to have a hot flash (one of my symptoms of anxiety) and that began my fear of bursting into flames. T_T

Yeah... pretty weird, eh?

You should really take a look around, just today I saw someone asking about heart issues/anxiety. ^_^

[Whattodo?]

No, that's not crazy, I used to worry about spontaneous combustion. When I was a teen, before anxiety about my body, I used to go hunting, I was like 15 and while sitting alone in woods I used to worry about being abducted by aliens. That's right after Fire in the Sky came out though.

[Velrose]

Yeah, back when I was in high school, I used to love anything about the paranormal, but I was always deathly afraid of being abducted. I would lie in bed at night, wrapped from head to toe in blankets, even my face, as though that would protect me. My mom was always afraid I was going to end up suffocating in my sleep. I've learned not to watch television shows that focus on things like that, or read books...or just in general. The thing about the combustion is, I only read about it once, years and years ago, and then BAM it popped out of nowhere on me! *shakes head* I could deal with normal anxiety if I didn't have the weird freaky worries that I have been having over the last month!

For you, did the combustion thing come out of nowhere-- and how did you get rid of the worry??

Sorry to turn this thread into our own little conversation. hehe

[Whattodo?]

It kinda just went away on its own, I didn't have full blown PD then, I made sure I had water with me, in case I caught fire. It didn't last very long though, maybe several weeks. It just went away on its own.

[Velrose]

Yeah, for me over the last two or three weeks is how long it has been really bad--constantly on my mind, that sort of thing. I guzzle water like crazy--which I suppose is healthy, but for some reason it eases my mind. I won't go to bed without drinking two or so bottles of ice cold water and I keep one by my bed to sip on if I wake up. I know this sounds weird, but the first week, when I was REALLY bad with this fear, I refused to eat, because if I felt that if I ate anything it would cause it to happen--then it slowly turned into as long as I eat tons of fruit and vegetables I would be ok. I literally was going through several large bottles of V-8 a week just to make sure I was eating/drinking nothing but vegetables. That's subsided a bit, and I am back on my normal diet, but anything greasy is still a no go--sweets too.

Weird eh? This is what kind of led me to think some of my anxiety might be hormonal.

This is going to sound strange, but it is oddly comforting to know I am not the only one who had such a strange fear. Everyone I have talked to has had something like this to say--

Me: Omg...I'm going to spontaneously combust if I am left alone in my house.

Other person-- That's just stupid. You're being stupid.

Me-- I know I am being stupid, that's part of why this pisses me off so much. Do you think I ENJOY living in fear of bursting into a ball of flames?

Ok... so it isn't word for word, but that's the jist of it. I was even afraid people on here would think I was crazy or weird for such a strange fear.

I meant to say something to you before-- you talked about freaking out when you were high back in school. That kind of happened to me once when I was in 10th grade (ehhh I feel so OLD!!) ...I was with some friends and we had gone out into this cave near the river. I brought a joint with us to smoke. I had done it before, lived around it and it never bothered me in the least. Within 10 minutes or so of smoking with my friends though, I ended up freaking out. Crying, dazed and in a complete panic. I felt like I was going to die. My friends were fine though, and thought I had taken something else before hand to cause it, but they managed to get me calm and walk me back to the house where I fell asleep. Ever since that day, I haven't touched the stuff. It is for the best though of course. Perhaps our minds way of saying it isn't good for us.