u4ea
09-10-2013, 11:30 AM
Falling back down the rabbit hole……
I really thought during the summer I was back on the rebound. My anxiety decreased ~ 75% and my panic attacks were almost non-existent; or at least I could handle (or fend off) much better than I could before.
I stopped taking Toprol XL and Ativan completely - cold turkey, in mid July; I didn’t exhibit, or haven’t noticed any symptoms of withdrawals; in fact, I felt much better – clearer thoughts, decreased feeling of light headedness/dizziness, depersonalization, etc.
But summer fun also seemed to get me back into old habits – I’d drink at BBQ’s, with friends, on the weekends, parties – you get the point.
I strongly believe alcohol is what pushed me over the edge at the beginning of the year – well, that, coupled with several stressful situations prior to the onset of panic and anxiety. It relaxed me during stressful/panicky/anxious times, so I used it as a crutch. The ironic part is I despise drugs in any way, shape or form; I couldn’t even tell you the last time I’ve taken OTC pain/cold or flu medicine; so it’s pretty ironic that I found myself medicating with alcohol. Alcohol is funny like that – you don’t go to the doctor, get prescribed alcohol and 12 months later you’re an alcoholic; it’s much more subtle, more many it signifies a good time – turning 21, being out with friends, meeting your girlfriend/boyfriend – those carefree times of your life you cherish so much. Alcohol sneaks up on you, especially if it helps your anxiety and you have anxious tendencies.
Then it’s a slippery slope.
Anyway, I stopped drinking and took care of myself; went to the doctors, eating good/better, getting exercise – almost feeling normal! Which made me elated, since this bout with anxiety/panic has been one of the most frightening, exhausting, mentally draining ordeals I’ve ever encountered – truly a horrific existence at times.
But as I said, feeling normal and not on medication was a bad mix – Memorial Day, Fourth of July, vacations, weekend trips with girlfriend and friends – I started down the path of binge drinking again; and for a while I thought it was fine – just summertime fun time; but I forgot how I honestly believe that stress and drinking really fuck with my brain chemistry – the combination of the two brought on this hell earlier this year…
And I feel it again – I feel the shadow of anxiety creeping up again; the vicious cycle in locking myself into anxiety -> alcohol to cope -> anxiety intensified by alcohol - > alcohol again; just a horrific, fucked up cycle.
The rabbit hole………
That’s the term I coined.
Like Alice in Wonderland – where you’re walking along, living your life, and through whatever circumstances in life; you fall into the rabbit hole, as you fall deeper (anxiety and coping methods), your life, your anxiety; your coping methods and self destructive behavior get worse – weirder, reality becomes further and further away from normal – panic and anxiety take over your emotions; you lose the enjoyment that life once provided; you feel safe, calm and relaxed nowhere – this is the point where mental and physical collapse can really become possible.
I can’t fall down here again…
I really thought during the summer I was back on the rebound. My anxiety decreased ~ 75% and my panic attacks were almost non-existent; or at least I could handle (or fend off) much better than I could before.
I stopped taking Toprol XL and Ativan completely - cold turkey, in mid July; I didn’t exhibit, or haven’t noticed any symptoms of withdrawals; in fact, I felt much better – clearer thoughts, decreased feeling of light headedness/dizziness, depersonalization, etc.
But summer fun also seemed to get me back into old habits – I’d drink at BBQ’s, with friends, on the weekends, parties – you get the point.
I strongly believe alcohol is what pushed me over the edge at the beginning of the year – well, that, coupled with several stressful situations prior to the onset of panic and anxiety. It relaxed me during stressful/panicky/anxious times, so I used it as a crutch. The ironic part is I despise drugs in any way, shape or form; I couldn’t even tell you the last time I’ve taken OTC pain/cold or flu medicine; so it’s pretty ironic that I found myself medicating with alcohol. Alcohol is funny like that – you don’t go to the doctor, get prescribed alcohol and 12 months later you’re an alcoholic; it’s much more subtle, more many it signifies a good time – turning 21, being out with friends, meeting your girlfriend/boyfriend – those carefree times of your life you cherish so much. Alcohol sneaks up on you, especially if it helps your anxiety and you have anxious tendencies.
Then it’s a slippery slope.
Anyway, I stopped drinking and took care of myself; went to the doctors, eating good/better, getting exercise – almost feeling normal! Which made me elated, since this bout with anxiety/panic has been one of the most frightening, exhausting, mentally draining ordeals I’ve ever encountered – truly a horrific existence at times.
But as I said, feeling normal and not on medication was a bad mix – Memorial Day, Fourth of July, vacations, weekend trips with girlfriend and friends – I started down the path of binge drinking again; and for a while I thought it was fine – just summertime fun time; but I forgot how I honestly believe that stress and drinking really fuck with my brain chemistry – the combination of the two brought on this hell earlier this year…
And I feel it again – I feel the shadow of anxiety creeping up again; the vicious cycle in locking myself into anxiety -> alcohol to cope -> anxiety intensified by alcohol - > alcohol again; just a horrific, fucked up cycle.
The rabbit hole………
That’s the term I coined.
Like Alice in Wonderland – where you’re walking along, living your life, and through whatever circumstances in life; you fall into the rabbit hole, as you fall deeper (anxiety and coping methods), your life, your anxiety; your coping methods and self destructive behavior get worse – weirder, reality becomes further and further away from normal – panic and anxiety take over your emotions; you lose the enjoyment that life once provided; you feel safe, calm and relaxed nowhere – this is the point where mental and physical collapse can really become possible.
I can’t fall down here again…