being, of feeling, ugly. acceptance and social self-esteem

[Jeordie]

**Edit**
I've mistaken to type the post's subject. Which it really is:
"being, or feeling, ugly. etc."




I've been told I'm not that good-looking. I've been told I'm quite good looking. I've been told I'm alright. I've been told I'm normal. I've been told that I'm ugly, sometimes. I've been told pretty much everything about my physical appearance.

I've been told I'm smart and intelligent, but I've also been insulted dozens of times with words such as "idiot" and "stupid". Sometimes I didn't get why I've been told so, so I thought I must really be not that intelligent.

I've been called very cool and a nerdy weirdo loser. Sometimes in the same day, same hour, even by the same person.

I've also been called skinny, fat and alright in the same day.
I've seen signes of extreme social refusal and great acceptance in the same fucking situation and hour.

People are not the same. They're different. They think differently about the same thing. Also, they're not all of the same level, intelligence, and ethetic taste.

So, the fact is, none of these people who called me that or that is either wrong or right. I've decided they're just words, without much relevance. If I get a compliment, I say thanks, if I don't, I walk away, thinking it doesn't matter, that I'm alright anyway and I don't need to prove it.

The myth of physical appearance, for example. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a nice looking guy, or even hot enough I'd like to do him. Sometimes I refuse to accept I look like that. And complain to God, because shit, it's not my fault.
Anyhow, now I'm more calm about it and that's what I wanted to share.

Don't go in a club or shopping thinking you're that or that. That's instable. That's not going to last. You can't be great looking all the time, and you can't be ugly all the time. Actors and models do feel ugly from time to time. Actually more than others. They just gave up proving people they're handsome or not, they just do their thing and live their life and it's a crazy misconception to think that because we perceive them looking great with great make up and great setting and lighting, they really are all the time and they never ever think they're ugly.

Read the real interviews. Jude Law. Halle Berry. Uma Thurman. Patrick Dempsey. These four "dreamy" people do not perceive themselves as beautiful. It doesn't matter a shit what others think. They don't see themselves that way. Period. They know themselves. They look at themselves at the mirror every morning and sometimes have a bad reaction, as any other person in the world.

They key is accepting and loving oneself and stop giving names to things and people. Including one him or herself.

We as western people are stupid. Only intelligent people realize we're stupid, too stupid to be real. We are stupid because we're obsessed with external appearance and feedback and we're obsessed with labelling things and people in a specific way expecting that label to be the only way that thing or person can be called. BULLSHIT. Every time. Bullshit. Nobody, nobody of us is just one thing. We're all good and ugly at the same time.

Obviously, not everybody is ready to give up the abitudinary idiocy that makes our society a more difficult place to cope with. For good looking and not good looking people alike.

As a wise person, speak only when you have something useful and good to say. Also speak to yourself in the same way. Stop criticizing. It's useless. It's counterproductive.

[Fear]

Ok,I've read evrything you've written and to tell the truth I lost the line a couple of time.But I gotta say that the general idea is the same that kills me all the time.So I think we got something in common.
Never happen at home in your mirror you look a way you like and you are in peace with yourself,but when you happen by chance to watch yourself somewhere outside you just see a total different person and get anxious angry and fuckin' depressed and insecure.That's the basic of my anxiety problem.My fisical appearance.It disturbs me so much that I don't believe people when they say:"Oh she's cute!",I see it in their face really clearly,or make it a big deal.You know I go crazy,really.That's why I don't have a social life,and got tons of other problems.

[setler]

Thank you, I needed to read that.

[Killer_Queen]

I feel the exact same way Fear

[Fear]

I feel the exact same way Fear
what do you do about it?

[Jeordie]

Fear,

let's see if I can help. It happened to me as well, this thing of going out thinking I look good and then seeing me as horrible with another light. Because if you check yourself out at another mirror in the street and you look different, it's probably because of different light conditions.

Everybody looks good or less with different lighting conditions, that's what photography is about in the end. In one light you can look beautiful and in another somewhat ugly.

First thing, reflect on what makes your face look appealing and attractive. It is not only the proportions of the nose and distance between eyes wich you can't change, but it is also the light and expression. Smiling is a quick way in most cases to look better. Try to smile only lightly when you walk down the street. Then, try to relax and stop caring so much about yourself. This gives you a number of advantages:

- you relax and your expressions look better and so your face. You are naturally way more attractive.
- You stop wasting energy and people are more keen to notice you positively because you're relaxed, unjudgemental, and they are keen to respond to that.
- When you get a compliment, you don't care THAT much, you just get its energy and move ahead.

Notice also that physical insecurity doesn't come necessarely because of looks, because there are tons of ugly and happy people in the world. That inserity comes from SOMEWHERE ELSE, but makes you obsess on your looks at that time. But it's an indirect process and you need to find out why you are so insecure; wich is not directly because of your nose or anything.

This way, you will learn to notice you more when you look good and feel ok with that, without needing external approval. When you get a glance of yourself in a mirror outside wich isn't what you really want, you won't worry too much and you won't find it that unbearable. It's gonna be ok because even in the worst case, you look better with another light - like everybody.

[Carla]

When I was younger I was good looking I got told, however inside I didnt feel it. Now I am older, I still get paid compliments and its always nice to hear a compliment especially as you get older but it doesnt bother me anymore, where as when I was younger, I needed constant praise, looks off men, even though I didnt feel good looking inside.Insecure I guess. I always make an effort with how I look, clothes and hair, and I suppose I used to be quite vain, BUT now that I have been unwell I have had a total change around with how I think. There is so much more to a person than looks and looks very much come 2nd place to me now. At times I felt so ill that I didnt care one bit if I looked like hell. I just wanted to feel well, forget looking good. Now that I am getting better, those thoughts have stayed with me. I really dont need anyones approval of how I look or am I getting enough attention in the way of looks. I think going through what I did has really done me a lot of favours in some ways. I think it def woke me up to what is really important in life and what matters.

[Fear]

Yeah,it's like when you think you're not worth it for a guy to love you coz you think you're really horrible.But then you see tons of ugly people around you who are in love and happy and you go like:"It's not about being good looking it's about being good in the art of social relationships!"

[Fear]

I mean maybe being good at making people fall in love with you.

[Carla]

To be honest I dont care about what someone looks like anymore since I have been unwell. I am more interested in what the persons personality is like. Since I have been unwell I cldnt care less if my partner looked like a frog as long as he is being a good kind caring person and who is supportive and there for me when I am feeling absolutely hideous with anxiety like I was.

[ericgio87]

i second what Carla says. As long as they're a gentle, nice person with a good heart because that's what matters when you're at your worst.

[Carla]

Thanks!...I agree with what you wrote too, it takes a special person, regardless of looks, to be there and care for you and help support you, and not walk out on you when you are unwell, suffering with anxiety and depression, or with any illness. I have known of people who's partners walked away cos they couldnt cope with dealing with the anxiety and depression. It must be hard for partners, I do realise that, but I think if you truly love and care for someone, then you dont walk away when things get tough.