jdurant2
09-06-2013, 12:19 AM
This post is going to be very very long and I hope that people will read it because I am really looking for some positive feedback on this. I guess it all started back in highschool. I was doing some very very serious drugs that lead to a lot of overdoses. Waking up in the hospital is a nightmare. I used to take that over the counter cough and cold medicine(Triple C's) a lot when I was younger as well. When I was 17 I took like 30 or 40( i cannot remember) and I did not go to the hospital but I felt like I was dying. The sensation that I felt was very uncomfortable and I knew that was the last time I was every going to do that. I know that it was a stupid thing to do and I thank god very much for watching over me. That was not the worse thing that I have been through. Later in life my girlfriend got pregnant and I started to sober up because I knew that I needed to become a father and actually straighten my life out. I smoked weed occasionally but nothing more than that. Jaydon was born on December 19,2007 and was a very healthy baby, so I thought. My girlfriend one night was tired and asked me to watch my son, of course I said yes and proceeded to feed him. My son who was only around 2 months old at the time was a very good baby. That night we ended up watching tv, and I accidentally fell asleep next to him on the bed. Worst thing that ever happened to me was that morning that I woke up to my girlfriend screaming saying that the baby isn't breathing. I began trying everything I could to get the ambulance over as quick as I can, while provided any sort of CPR that I could. Obviously he was only 2 months old and he is not fully developed so I did not even know what to do. Worst outcome that morning, the hospital pronounced him dead on arrival and I was in a state of panic. I think this was the first time in my life that I realized how big of a **** up I am. I obviously blamed everything that night upon myself. Noone else is to blame but my own. Whether it was lay over or some other cause of death was MY FAULT. I was deeply depressed for years, which I currently still am. Although this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, my anxiety and depression only worsened as I grew up. I have developed fears to medicine, I have developed social anxiety very badly. I have developed dizziness spells that last all day. My childhood was not good at all. My parents were alcoholics and my brother would steal from me all the time. I know that the past doesn't really map out my future, but I just am trying to take one day at a time, and to try and solve my anxiety problem. I am currently enrolled in school and everyday at school I can't think because i feel like I am in a different dimension. Blame it on the drugs, blame it on the traumatic experiences. The reason I am posting this is because my anxiety is so real, and so strong that I just want to hear ideas and experiences that have helped people overcome these sorts of anxiety spells. Social anxiety, medicine anxiety, scared of just about everything, scared to have kids. I know this post was WAYYY to long but I am to the point where I have no clue what to do anymore. This is the first time EVER that I have posted on a site like this, so I am hoping I can get some feedback. Lastly, keep your rude comments to yourself because I have already beat myself up about what happened and I know I ****** up royally, I am just trying to move forward with my life, but I feel stuck in this infinite loop ( I am studying computer science) and I have no way of getting out of it. I have gone through a lot of therapy which I found a waste of my money. I learned a lot of techniques that I really don't use anymore but I never saw myself improving. My anxiety leaves me feeling dizzy all day, I feel scared to leave to house because I know I will have anxiety, I am scared to take medicine, I am scared to speak up in class. My heart will race and pound so hard before and after a question that I am so focused on it, and I will not be able to pay attention.