Checking In-You're ALL Important!

[str8trippin]

It's been quite a few days since I've been on the forum; I wanted to see if taking a little break helped me at all. I know others have suggested in the past, but sometimes I wonder if I'm feeding the anxiety by constantly giving it so much attention. When it comes down to it, though, I absolutely one hundred and ten percent need the support I get from this forum because it's the only place where I've found people that can say they understand and actually truly mean it.

I had my first appointment with a new counselor last Saturday and it seemed to go significantly better than my previous counseling experience. She was much more responsive and interactive and she had a lot of great insight and suggestions (would be happy to share if anyone is interested) that didn't involve taking medications. I guess over all she was just much more my style, and I felt very comfortable with her. I can't see her under my insurance, but my friend was very kind and set up two sessions with her for me and is paying for them. After that it will cost me $40 a session if I want to continue seeing her. At any rate, overall, things have been...decent. I'm feeling pretty good physically...have had less physical symptoms than I have in a long time, which is definitely a positive change.

The one thing that is still REALLY affecting me on a day to day basis is the OCD thoughts about death. I feel like I can't get rid of them, and it embarrasses me because no one seems to understand what an unsettling feel it is to have that consuming you constantly, or they just don't think it's as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. I try accepting the thoughts and then just letting them go. I try ignoring them. I try awknowleging them. I try talking about them. I try talking to them. And they just want to cling to me. It's ruining all the other progress I've made, and I feel like it's really holding me back from truly moving forward. It gets worse at night when I have time to just sit and think. Does anyone else go through this? I have a very hard time explaining to anyone but the thoughts are so intrusive. I feel like I'm thinking about death and dying day in and day out in every form imaginable and it terrifies me, to be quite honest. I don't know if I'm having an existential crisis, questioning my beliefs, coming to terms with my beliefs, or just hyper aware of those kinds of thoughts crossing my mind lately, but I want it to go away. Does anyone else experience this? It sometimes really feels like I'm alone with it and I think that's what scares me more than anything is that no one else really understands or cares.

ANYWAY...on a more positive note, I did enroll in a Music Appreciation class at school which I'm really enjoying so far and doing well in. I know it's only one class, and I'm doing it online, but it feels like a big step forward for me because the last semester I couldn't even approach the idea of taking classes. So, that being said, remember that you have accomplishments each and every day...whether that means you got out of bed, or you went to work, or you wrote a poem, or you had no symptoms for thirty minutes...every step is important, no matter how small! And remember that you are important. None of us are alone...we have each other...and I literally love each and every one of you for sharing your lives here. The chance to connect with you all has been so valuable to me!

[tailspin]

Hi str8trippin. Great you're liking your new counselor and are getting so much out of seeing her already. I hope you can continue having sessions with her. I can totally relate to the OCD thoughts about death and dying. With me I'm pretty sure it started when my Dad died 5 years ago. Losing one of my parents really seems to have prompted obsessive thoughts about my own mortality, especially concerns to do with cancer. That, and I'm also getting older myself, so inevitably, my own death comes closer each day. I also worry a lot about the death of people I love. As you say, I try very hard to find a way to manage these thoughts, but I'm only somewhat successful.

I hope that continuing to see your counselor will help you with these OCD thoughts.

[str8trippin]

I lost my Dad six years ago in October and I think it's finally catching up with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means saying I wasn't upset by it, or that it wasn't a reality check when it happened and over the course of the last six years, but I kind of thing I put a lot of my feelings about it aside because I needed to be strong for my Mom and because I was going through so many of my own life changes that took priority (I was pregnant with my daughter at the time and had only recently gotten married)...so now that my life is more stable and settled in a lot of ways, I think a lot of that feelings surrounding losing my Dad are coming back. Like you said, it becomes an obsessive consumption with thoughts about your own mortality and the mortality of everyone and everything around you, and it gets hard to handle. I try to just say, okay, I'm having these thoughts and that's alright. They are okay to talk about and nothing to be ashamed of. I realize there's nothing I can do to change the reality of that...but it doesn't mean I want to have those kinds of thoughts every single day. It would be nice to have one day where I am not thinking about it. I'm 27, and I feel like I should still be thinking about the future in a positive way...happy about what wonderful things there are to come and that I still have a lot of life left to life! It's such a downer to me because ultimately I have such an enormous love of life that the thought of not having it is scary! I'm also really hoping the counseling will be beneficial in the long run and help me try to break out of this place where I seem to be so stuck right now.

[tailspin]

I'm sorry you lost your Dad too. I also feel stuck in these OCD thoughts, though I should add that I've had emotional issues - especially depression and anxiety- on and off for many years. It's just that the OCD about dying seemed to ratchet up after my Dad's death. I'm actually a lot older than you. I'm 49 so I'm definitely having kind of a mid-life crisis as well (also all kinds of hormonal stuff going on exacerbating things). Even though I'm old, losing my Dad was my first up close experience with losing someone close to me. I found the experience leading up to his death very distressing - witnessing his suffering and pain, his hospitalization and swift decline, the loss of dignity, the not very compassionate doctor treating him, the staff on his ward who didn't seem to care much either, the other people around him dying. I continue to think about all that a lot. I wish he could have died in a way that caused him less pain and suffering. He did spend his final days in a nice hospice room and the staff there were very caring, but by then my Dad was pretty much out of it on morphine and I don't think he got to experience much.

I don't know why I can't shake this off. It's been 5 years. Also, my husband's Dad died a couple of years previously and though my husband was sad at his father's death, it didn't make my husband start obsessing about death, the way my Dad's death has made my neurosis go through the roof. I guess grief effects us all differently and with different levels of intensity.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me talk about this!! I really do think it's great that you've found a therapist you like so much. You also sound really determined. And the fact that you love life - and, as you say, at 27, you have so much left to look forward to!! - I don't see how you can fail to kick these OCD thoughts to the curb!!