New & In Need of Help

[Alone]

Hi All,

I am very new to this, I have never posted anything in a forum or anything like that before. Bear with me, this is a long post.

A few years back, all of a sudden I remember feeling completely numb. I did not care about things one way or another & I would hurt myself to make myself feel something. This didn't really do anything except give a slight reprieve from the numbness.

Then I went through a year of just getting wasted every weekend night, talk about it weekend days, and be busy with school and work during the week so I didn't have time to think. I was having a blast, some of the best times of my life, but it was all artificial and forgettable. I don't know if I did it because I enjoyed it, or because I wanted to fit in and there was nothing else to do (one of the constant struggles to this day - am I doing this because I enjoy it or because everyone else is doing it?) I don't want to look back on my life and realize, "Wow, I wasted this much time doing absolutely nothing."

At the end of that year I had a stomach infection that made me get sick randomly - and that's where all hell would break lose. I started having panic attacks any time I was in a situation I felt that I could not get out of (ie: classroom, line, car, mass, restaurants etc.) due to the illness previously. I have managed to control them for the most part - I still get them but I am able to wait it out.

Then I got a boyfriend, and he made me feel so comfortable and happy and in love. He was perfectly happy just being with me. Due to this, I started cutting out my friends (not on purpose - I just wouldn't reach out as much) just for the pure reason that it was easier to not see them because there would be no anxiety-provoking situations. Of course they got mad but they assumed I just wanted to be with my boyfriend and started to resent him and in turn alienate me. This frustrated me so much because I didn't know why I was doing the things I did at the time. I lacked all motivation to see them and it made me feel so guilty and I didn't understand why I was that way. While this was definitely better for me comfort-wise, it got a little lonely, but it was never that bad because I enjoyed spending time with my boyfriend so much. I wanted to be happy with him but I always felt like I was doing something wrong because of my friend's reactions but I was so happy.

Then I got my wisdom teeth out and I had the worst panic attack of my life afterwards. That's when the depression hit. I wanted to die but never wanted to kill myself. I felt hopeless and didn't know what to do. I started seeing a therapist but it did not help. I had absolutely no motivation to do anything, would break down in tears, and feel so guilty and not understand why. I even began to question my love for my boyfriend because of the lack of motivation to see him (but I was so happy when I was with him still) that I started to have obsessive thoughts. The scariest part of this is I would go from being absolutely depressed to feeling absolutely nothing almost instantly. This terrified me - made me feel less human.

I am now studying abroad and I am miserable. I came here to immerse myself in the culture, travel, see everything, become independent, and finally get over my anxiety once and for all. However, all of the other students came here to get wasted and go out to bars every night. I am so lonely, I'm having trouble making friends because I am so shy and because I have no motivation to leave the room (and even when I want to I physically cannot make myself), and I am homesick. Then I started to get more obsessive thoughts - I feel like I have a battle going on at all times in my mind against myself trying to examine why it is I feel the way that I do. My biggest fear is that I don't know who I am or what I want, that I will become a victim of going out every night because it is easier and less lonely, and that I won't be the person that I want to be because it isn't easy. I also have obsessive thoughts asking myself what if I really am that person that just wants to go out every night but all I want is to be a substantial person and I don't want to be that person. I haven't been able to eat and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. I am truly happiest with my boyfriend and with my family. I know in the bottom of my heart why I cam here so I will be so disappointed in myself if I just go out. I also feel so guilty and so embarrassed. This is supposed to be the time of my life but how do I tell my mom that I sat in my room all day when she asks what I've done so far?

Thank you in advance!

[Alone]

Also, I obsess over thoughts of going crazy and I fear that I am fine. I should be happy to be fine but it is my biggest fear because then there is nothing to fix. Then this is my life. And I do not want to go on living this way.

[Lin]

There is no point worrying about how people will see you or think about you whatever you do. You need to sit down and decide whether being abroad is really where you want to be and doing what you want to do. If it is not then you should go back home, not feeling let down, but with the knowledge that you have had the courage to try something very brave but have
decided that it is not the right time for it for you at the moment - you can always try again in the future.
If having your family and friends nearby will help you then you will be better at home and will get better quicker.
Everyone gets panicky though in new situations, so just make sure that you feel you have given it a good chance, and then do what your head and heart feels is best for you and your illness.

[Alone]

Thank you Lin. I just don't know who I am or what I want. I am just so scared and alone. If I took away all of the people and the repercussions, I would leave here in an instant because I feel my happiest and most at peace when I am with my family and boyfriend. But that doesn't just happen. I constantly have voices arguing back and forth over what is right and what isn't and it is scary and driving my depression deeper. What if I regret going home? What if I regret if I stay? Did I change for my boyfriend and that's why this is so hard? But then I realize, yes, 100% my priorities have changed. I have a boyfriend who I intend on marrying in a few years and he feels the same. My relationship is my priority over partying. Can I still have a fun time abroad? How? Everyone just goes out every night to get wasted? If that's going to happen then I would rather be home. I don't even know what to do anymore.

[Lin]

Thank you Lin. I just don't know who I am or what I want. I am just so scared and alone. If I took away all of the people and the repercussions, I would leave here in an instant because I feel my happiest and most at peace when I am with my family and boyfriend. But that doesn't just happen. I constantly have voices arguing back and forth over what is right and what isn't and it is scary and driving my depression deeper. What if I regret going home? What if I regret if I stay? Did I change for my boyfriend and that's why this is so hard? But then I realize, yes, 100% my priorities have changed. I have a boyfriend who I intend on marrying in a few years and he feels the same. My relationship is my priority over partying. Can I still have a fun time abroad? How? Everyone just goes out every night to get wasted? If that's going to happen then I would rather be home. I don't even know what to do anymore.

I think from what you say that you have decided really that it would be best to return home. There is no shame in realising that something is not working, and go back home. Back home to your boyfriend and family sounds much better than what you have at the moment. Take the plunge and move back home.
When you get back home it might take a few weeks to feel that it was the right decision, because you are bound to worry, but after a few weeks you will start to realise it was the best thing to do. Life is for fun and living and when you are young you should definitely be having fun, and it does not sound like you are whilst away, go home and start to have fun again.

[Alone]

My mom just called and told me I had to stick it out. I am at such a loss - even if I do potentially stick it out, what is the point???? It is so not worth it to feel like this. I still cannot eat, I cry every day (increasingly), I feel so apathetic and like I'm just going through the motions when I'm around people, and I absolutely dread when anyone asks me to do things. Could this just be homesickness that I need to just get over?

[Lin]

If you think it is home sickness then you could give yourself a bit longer to see if you get over it.
However, if you feel as bad as you say, is it worth it? Just staying there to prove a point that you can manage it, is not worth it if it is affecting you very badly.
The world won't stop because you have not managed this time away, and if you will be happier at home with family and your boyfriend then there is no harm in taking that step and going back home.
So really, think hard about whether to try a little bit longer, or think that you have given it long enough and now want to go back home.
I understand your mum wants the best for you, and is probably hoping it is just homesickness, but it is you who are living it and if it really is too bad, listen to yourself and decide what to do.