JustAnotherAttack
08-31-2013, 01:17 PM
I had an eating disorder for 15 months. I restricted to 500 calories per day at the very most. My eating disorder evolved and ended up turning into a laxative/throwing up fest.
I lost 75lbs, but almost killed myself in the process. I felt amazing though...better than I do now.
My heart was worn out and my doctor said 6 more months of putting my body through that and my heart would give out.
My 500 calories consisted of salad, chicken breast (only 1/2 of a chicken breast per day), 1 cup of green beans per day, occasionally soup broth if my throat hurt too bad, and lots and lots of water.
I never kept anything down. I'd throw up until my throat bled. I weighed myself up to 30 times everyday just to make sure that I hadnt gained anything.
I'd constantly do exercises to flatten anything and tone things up as I lost weight. People told me that I looked amazing and were so proud of me for how I was doing. I felt good.
Being hungry...the stabbing hungry sensation meant that I was doing something right and I grew to LOVE that feeling.
Then I met my husband. He said basically I had to stop or lose him. He meant enough to me to stop. But the eating disorder is STILL there and its not ever going to leave me.
I don't want it to. I want it to be with me because it keeps me in check. It keeps me in the "now". I miss the feeling of loving being hungry. I miss the constant weighing myself.
We don't have a scale...for obvious reasons, but I want one so bad.
My eating disorder became a best friend. Something that I could always turn to and focus on. I've never found anything since then that has replaced that feeling.
Its been 5 years since I stopped. Its stuck with me, but I've not really thrown up like I was before.
I throw up on occasion because I feel like crap after eating certain things. Fatty fried food is the worst and it doesn't sit well on my stomach.
Now I have this fear of eating though. I'm afraid that it is going to make me feel bad, so sometimes I don't eat. I eat when I feel like I'm going to be sick or get a major headache if I dont.
I also mostly only eat around my husband which is once a day when hes home for dinner after work. During the day I don't really eat. I just had lunch, but I felt like I had to because of headaches and feeling too sick.
I feel absolutely horrible though. A small amount of food can make me feel too full. My panic makes it worse because I see myself as at least 100lbs heavier than I am so I never get back to the weight that I was.
I hate anxiety. It makes this all worse.
I lost 75lbs, but almost killed myself in the process. I felt amazing though...better than I do now.
My heart was worn out and my doctor said 6 more months of putting my body through that and my heart would give out.
My 500 calories consisted of salad, chicken breast (only 1/2 of a chicken breast per day), 1 cup of green beans per day, occasionally soup broth if my throat hurt too bad, and lots and lots of water.
I never kept anything down. I'd throw up until my throat bled. I weighed myself up to 30 times everyday just to make sure that I hadnt gained anything.
I'd constantly do exercises to flatten anything and tone things up as I lost weight. People told me that I looked amazing and were so proud of me for how I was doing. I felt good.
Being hungry...the stabbing hungry sensation meant that I was doing something right and I grew to LOVE that feeling.
Then I met my husband. He said basically I had to stop or lose him. He meant enough to me to stop. But the eating disorder is STILL there and its not ever going to leave me.
I don't want it to. I want it to be with me because it keeps me in check. It keeps me in the "now". I miss the feeling of loving being hungry. I miss the constant weighing myself.
We don't have a scale...for obvious reasons, but I want one so bad.
My eating disorder became a best friend. Something that I could always turn to and focus on. I've never found anything since then that has replaced that feeling.
Its been 5 years since I stopped. Its stuck with me, but I've not really thrown up like I was before.
I throw up on occasion because I feel like crap after eating certain things. Fatty fried food is the worst and it doesn't sit well on my stomach.
Now I have this fear of eating though. I'm afraid that it is going to make me feel bad, so sometimes I don't eat. I eat when I feel like I'm going to be sick or get a major headache if I dont.
I also mostly only eat around my husband which is once a day when hes home for dinner after work. During the day I don't really eat. I just had lunch, but I felt like I had to because of headaches and feeling too sick.
I feel absolutely horrible though. A small amount of food can make me feel too full. My panic makes it worse because I see myself as at least 100lbs heavier than I am so I never get back to the weight that I was.
I hate anxiety. It makes this all worse.