zahidf
08-22-2013, 04:38 AM
Broken Heart
Hello
I am new to the forums. I have had panic and anxiety attacks recently, but am taking CBT treatment, to try and changed my learned behaviours and adapt to being less stressed and anxious.
I am having a really tough time at the moment though, because I am going through a really tough emotional situation at the moment.
there is this girl Sian. We’ve known each other for the last 10 years, and we became really close over the last 3-4 years. Over the years, I developed a massive crush on her, but I never said anything, because I valued the friendship so much that I didn’t want to ruin it.
In March, she became involved with a mutual friend called LJ, who is a bit of a dick to women, when a group of us were staying over at a friends place after poker. He knew I had feelings for Sian, but he went ahead and had sex with her anyway, not carting about how I felt and the fact that I could hear everything which was going on.
He had previously been intimate with one of our mutual friends, estella, and she still had feelings for him, which Sian knew. She told me that he had told her it wasn’t just sex, but something more important to him. They kept this from estella for whatever reason. The day after he had sex with sian a second time, he then tried to have sex with Estella on her birthday, saying the same thing to her that he had said to Sian. I managed to persuade estella not to go home with him that evening thankfully, and then a few days later I told sian what had happened on Estella’s birthday. She broke it of with him, and told Stel, running their friendship. I emailed LJ later that week, telling him that after his behaviour, I had no interest in being his friend anymore. At the time she said it was an excellent email, and that she was ok with me with sending it.
However, a few months later, she wrote these two things to me :
'I've realised that for the last few years of my life I've had my spare time monopolised by a small number of people alongside work and I'm now trying to free up my spare time to get my life back on track and that's meaning not booking too many things up too far in advance (certainly in the short term, till I can figure out my life). '
and she said
'I realise that we've been getting distant from each other recently but I need you to know that I haven't stopped being your friend. I'm afraid I just can't give you the time and attention I have done in the past anymore.There are many different reasons for this. '
And when we spoke about it, she said she was still my friend, and we needed space. Foolishly, I emailed her randomly about my upcoming birthday, and this is what she sent.
'Hi,
I know you're finding this change in our friendship hard. I'm sorry but I'm going to make it harder and tell you some things that will be tough to hear, but I clearly need to say them. Hopefully they will help you understand a little more about what's happened to us.
I have asked for space. I actually feel quite angry that you have chosen not to respect this or listen to me and you are trying to push me back into your life again because this is what you want. You haven't even attempted to reference the fact that I have asked for space, you have just bounded back into how things have always been because you have decided that you've had enough time apart without caring what I have told you I need. I know you want us to go back to how we were but I'm afraid that's not going to happen.
There have been a number of issues around our friendship which have been playing on my mind for a while and I've finally got to the point where I need space. I've always found you to push me - far far far too hard - to spend as much time with you as possible. I've struggled with this. Whenever I've said no (for whatever reason), you've come back with more suggestions, I've said no and again - more suggestions flood me. It's absolutely suffocating and selfish. I don't want you to think that I've hated spending time with you, you're a lovely guy who's been a great friend to me over the years but you've got to learn not to push people so hard, ironically it actually pushes them away. People will spend time with you because they want to - you're fun guy - not because you've forced them finally accept an invitation to something just to stop the pushing. I'm sorry to say that on occasion (not every time) I've done this and have felt manipulated into doing what you wanted me to do.
It also didn't register at the time (Simon arrived and immediately told me, but I didn't take it in), but I realise now that you purposefully told me a different time to meet you in Richmond to the time you told Simon and Miranda in order to spend time alone with me. This upsets me hugely as it's such a manipulative thing to do. It's got me wondering how many other times and situations have you tried to turn to your advantage in this way. I don't in any way think you've manipulated every situation but I do think you become more desperate to see me when I've not had as much time to see you and I find that exhausting and, honestly, annoying.
The LJ situation was the moment when I realised we really needed time apart. You reacted differently when it was me to when it was Stel and I understood more than ever why you've always been so keen on me spending as much time with you as possible. I know you said that you were just as annoyed and sent him a mail when it was Stel but I'm sorry to say that I don't believe that. I'm not going to get into it because I've only got your word to go on but I think it's important you know that I believe you reacted differently when it was me.
I'm sorry if the above comes across as harsh, but I don't think you have been able to accept this change and so I feel it important you understand in more depth how I feel. It doesn't change the fact that I think you're a great guy who's been a hugely important part of my life for many years. Please respect that I need this space and try to move on. Don't think I've hated spending time with you, I wouldn't have spent time with you if it wasn't fun, it's just come to a point where I need to pull away from this friendship.
S x'
I feel really heartbroken over this. Other than my crush on her, she was honestly one of my best friends, and I don’t understand how I could have been wrong all these years. It makes me really scared that all my other friends feel the same and will abandon me as well. I feel really alone.
Zahid
Hello
I am new to the forums. I have had panic and anxiety attacks recently, but am taking CBT treatment, to try and changed my learned behaviours and adapt to being less stressed and anxious.
I am having a really tough time at the moment though, because I am going through a really tough emotional situation at the moment.
there is this girl Sian. We’ve known each other for the last 10 years, and we became really close over the last 3-4 years. Over the years, I developed a massive crush on her, but I never said anything, because I valued the friendship so much that I didn’t want to ruin it.
In March, she became involved with a mutual friend called LJ, who is a bit of a dick to women, when a group of us were staying over at a friends place after poker. He knew I had feelings for Sian, but he went ahead and had sex with her anyway, not carting about how I felt and the fact that I could hear everything which was going on.
He had previously been intimate with one of our mutual friends, estella, and she still had feelings for him, which Sian knew. She told me that he had told her it wasn’t just sex, but something more important to him. They kept this from estella for whatever reason. The day after he had sex with sian a second time, he then tried to have sex with Estella on her birthday, saying the same thing to her that he had said to Sian. I managed to persuade estella not to go home with him that evening thankfully, and then a few days later I told sian what had happened on Estella’s birthday. She broke it of with him, and told Stel, running their friendship. I emailed LJ later that week, telling him that after his behaviour, I had no interest in being his friend anymore. At the time she said it was an excellent email, and that she was ok with me with sending it.
However, a few months later, she wrote these two things to me :
'I've realised that for the last few years of my life I've had my spare time monopolised by a small number of people alongside work and I'm now trying to free up my spare time to get my life back on track and that's meaning not booking too many things up too far in advance (certainly in the short term, till I can figure out my life). '
and she said
'I realise that we've been getting distant from each other recently but I need you to know that I haven't stopped being your friend. I'm afraid I just can't give you the time and attention I have done in the past anymore.There are many different reasons for this. '
And when we spoke about it, she said she was still my friend, and we needed space. Foolishly, I emailed her randomly about my upcoming birthday, and this is what she sent.
'Hi,
I know you're finding this change in our friendship hard. I'm sorry but I'm going to make it harder and tell you some things that will be tough to hear, but I clearly need to say them. Hopefully they will help you understand a little more about what's happened to us.
I have asked for space. I actually feel quite angry that you have chosen not to respect this or listen to me and you are trying to push me back into your life again because this is what you want. You haven't even attempted to reference the fact that I have asked for space, you have just bounded back into how things have always been because you have decided that you've had enough time apart without caring what I have told you I need. I know you want us to go back to how we were but I'm afraid that's not going to happen.
There have been a number of issues around our friendship which have been playing on my mind for a while and I've finally got to the point where I need space. I've always found you to push me - far far far too hard - to spend as much time with you as possible. I've struggled with this. Whenever I've said no (for whatever reason), you've come back with more suggestions, I've said no and again - more suggestions flood me. It's absolutely suffocating and selfish. I don't want you to think that I've hated spending time with you, you're a lovely guy who's been a great friend to me over the years but you've got to learn not to push people so hard, ironically it actually pushes them away. People will spend time with you because they want to - you're fun guy - not because you've forced them finally accept an invitation to something just to stop the pushing. I'm sorry to say that on occasion (not every time) I've done this and have felt manipulated into doing what you wanted me to do.
It also didn't register at the time (Simon arrived and immediately told me, but I didn't take it in), but I realise now that you purposefully told me a different time to meet you in Richmond to the time you told Simon and Miranda in order to spend time alone with me. This upsets me hugely as it's such a manipulative thing to do. It's got me wondering how many other times and situations have you tried to turn to your advantage in this way. I don't in any way think you've manipulated every situation but I do think you become more desperate to see me when I've not had as much time to see you and I find that exhausting and, honestly, annoying.
The LJ situation was the moment when I realised we really needed time apart. You reacted differently when it was me to when it was Stel and I understood more than ever why you've always been so keen on me spending as much time with you as possible. I know you said that you were just as annoyed and sent him a mail when it was Stel but I'm sorry to say that I don't believe that. I'm not going to get into it because I've only got your word to go on but I think it's important you know that I believe you reacted differently when it was me.
I'm sorry if the above comes across as harsh, but I don't think you have been able to accept this change and so I feel it important you understand in more depth how I feel. It doesn't change the fact that I think you're a great guy who's been a hugely important part of my life for many years. Please respect that I need this space and try to move on. Don't think I've hated spending time with you, I wouldn't have spent time with you if it wasn't fun, it's just come to a point where I need to pull away from this friendship.
S x'
I feel really heartbroken over this. Other than my crush on her, she was honestly one of my best friends, and I don’t understand how I could have been wrong all these years. It makes me really scared that all my other friends feel the same and will abandon me as well. I feel really alone.
Zahid