Feeling pretty down.

[Its Sim]

This is my first post. I don't know what I'm looking for or even why I'm here, but I need to say put this in the open I suppose.
I'm not OK.
Do people notice what's going on inside me?
I want to say I need help, but the truth is I think they already know that.
I know it's me that has to do this.
But still I can't.
I'm not OK.
I know what I should be doing but I don't have the energy or the capacity for any of this.
Why am I so tired? In a state of torpor.
Why do I feel this way?
Sometimes it's like pressure inside me that at times increases to the point that I feel like exploding.
I feel sick
I'm sore
I'm sad
I cry
I barely move
Even when all it takes it to reach out an arm, still I do not move.
I want to talk to people.
I want to feel better but I'm paralysed by my affliction.
I'm sick of the negativity, not just my own.
I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me sometimes.
I'm tormenting myself.
Nothing is fun, nothing is worth the effort.
Darkness, warmth and quiet is all I look forward to.
I spend my days wishing I could visit friends or Mansfield. When I do either of those things I long for the comfort of home, of Dave, of solitude.
I don't know what I want because I'm too depressed to feel anything other than momentary joy.
Short lived gratification.
But I don't feel unhappy.
I feel like I'm suffocating in a plastic bubble while everyone around me breathes.
I feel so alone but I don't wish for company.
The thought of having a shower is so overwhelming, I've put it off for hours.
I can't even think about the dishes right now.
I have had panic attacks I've told no one about, I quickly wipe tears from my eyes before Dave enters the room and put on that smile when I can.
Some days I just go back to bed. Others, I don't get out of it to begin with.
I'm exhausted.
I'm weary.
I'm glad I don't believe in the afterlife. If I thought there was an alternative to life that isn't utter nothingness, I would have gone long ago.
Athiesm: no point in killing yourself.
Just ride it out.
I know things will get better.
But I need to do something soon

[vic]

Hya I can so understand how u feel I av 3 beautiful children a good hubby but still feel alone and shity feel so tierd and ill and sick of feeling this way with nothing to make me happy or meaningful I've had a lot of bad bad stress lately nd this has built up nd caused me to become like this it's one dark hole I can't seem to get out of :(. I have panic attacks thinking ill never get better or I've got a serious illness ect nd I feel worse then. How long have u felt this way?