Root phobia

[Cobra]

So basically all my anxiety boils down to one core fear, I believe. I am afraid of dying of a heart attack like my father. He was 50 yrs old. I am 42. I was with him when he died, and that moment when he went is burned into my mind. He was looking me in the eyes when the life went out of him. Its been almost 20 yrs, but i can still see it like it was yesterday. When I had all my health issues earlier this yr, I kept having heart palps, which I thought were heart attacks, but which I know now were really just severe panic attacks, because every time I felt chest pain and the staff rushed in and hooked me up to the machines, they just smiled at me sympathetically and told me I was fine. I had had precancerous polyps removed from my stomach and hemorrhaged, but it was my heart I kept thinking was bad. Every time I have a panic attacks, it's due to this heart attack phobia. We had a huge storm today, and I had a panic attack. Why? Not because of the storm, but because I was afraid it would give me a panic attack which would cause me to have a heart attack. When I had a fight with my son, and my nerves got bad, it was because I thought, what if I get so upset I have a heart attack? My mind just returns to it again and again. I went and visited my fathers grave and guess what? Panic and chest pain. I check my pulse and instantly go into palps because I think, what if that's my last heart beat. When I shit, I think, some people have heart attacks after going to the toilet, or during, like Elvis Presley. I am having chest pain and palps right now. Take a nerve pill and fear heart attack. Haven't had sex in months because I am afraid it will give me a heart attack. It's insane. I've got to get over this fear because it is ruining my life! My heart is healthy. I've had it tested. But in the back of my mind I'm afraid that this anxiety is going to give me a heart attack. How many panic attacks does a guy have to have before the subconscious will finally accept that? Even the insomnia is heart related, because what if... I would love some advice, because I am very frustrated right now. I can't sleep because I hear my heart beating and I get anxious, then the palps start, which turns anxious into full blown panic.

[leighlee]

Hey Cobra, I know what your talking about. My anxiety is with my heart too. If your root fear is with death, have you thought of ways to comfort yourself with that thought? Do you believe in a afterlife? I used to just shake while trying to go to sleep thinking about forever. I have to remind myself of my beliefs of what will be after this. How beautiful this life is. I know the unknown is hard to accept, we are creatures of wanting to know!

[Cobra]

I do believe we live on after dying. I'm not religious in the mainstream way because I think religious institutes are just tools for the rich to control the poor. But I do believe in life after death. Sadly, I don't think it helps because it is almost separate from dying. It's almost like my heartbeat is the phobia, not so much the dying part. So long as my heart beats normally, I'm fine, but as soon as it speeds up or beats too slow, or jumps, I'm losing my cool. Yes, death is scary. But I can think about dying without panic. It's just when I think about my heart that I start getting anxious. I've been holding my finger to my neck to try to overcome this phobia, and so long as my pulse is steady, I can stand it. But the first odd beat just freaks me out, and then the palps start.

[leighlee]

I don't get the palps as often as I used to. They are are hard to accept. I noticed that I would get them a lot when drinking diet soda, or anything with artifical sweetners. I really only drink water and tea, an occasional ginger ale. I wanted to also say that I have had several EMDR sessions with a professional and when I first started them I would come home exhausted and my pulse would race. I believe it was my body releasing the stuck energy. While doing the EMDR is would just shake involuntarly. Maybe doing this on your own has brought up some strong emotions and that is why you are having the physical symptoms. Me personally I try to do moderate exercise every day to desensitive myself from the feeling of my pulse. I feel it everywhere. I know with exercise, gradually increasing the intensity with my comfort I will be able to handle the feeling of my heart beat. Anxiety is such a complex emotion. That is all it is, an emotion that I believe we get stuck on.

[Cobra]

Yes, I wish I could get some help. I went to the mental health department and they said I couldn't see the psychiatrist because I was unwilling to take meds. Lol. The counsellor labeled my issues anxiety related to aging. Useless idiots. I like my gray hair and wrinkles. It's just my heartbeat I can't stand. I will admit that I was very confused about what was happening then, however.

[leighlee]

How frustrating! I didn't want to take medication either. I started to take medication about six weeks ago hoping for some relief. I know it isn't the cure, but maybe while in a calmer state I can heal. We just don't know enough about it. Why some people are affected and others are not. This is diffently a life trial. You are your best advicate. I was reading The anxiety and phobia workbork by Edmund Bourne, PHd and he has some really good tips on how to overcome this. Most of which I'm sure you know. You sound like me and very well educated on what we are going through. Sometimes I need to re-read books to reassure myself that my thoughts and fears are ok and this will pass! (not making easier though)

[Cobra]

Yes, and sometimes you don't really believe what you know. I know a pulse of 104 is not abnormal after eating, because your body is digesting, but sometimes I don't believe it and worry myself crazy. I know anxiety cannot make your heart fail, but when I'm having palps, it's kind of hard to believe.

[Cobra]

Ate half a sandwich and a snack cake and my anxiety went crazy, but not, I think, because of eating. Because I was afraid my pulse would jump. Just took it, cause I'm trying to get over my phobia, and it was 76. Lol! That's almost perfect. Lord, please help me get rid of this phobia!

[Cobra]

Couldn't sleep. Wife got up and we talked for awhile. Decided to take my blood pressure because I haven't taken it in a long time. I was avoiding it because it sets off my anxiety, but I have to break this phobia. Anyway, I put the cuff on and my anxiety skyrocketed. Pulse was pounding in my temples. Feet and hands went cold. Chest started hurting. Took my BP and it was 155/100 and pulse 94. Damn, that's not even that high, but the anxiety made me feel awful. It's zooming now just writing this down. LOL. Ten minutes later, took it again and it was 133/89 and pulse was 106. My heart phobia is so severe, and its really acting bad today because I'm finally on to its game. I know why it started, how I developed it, and how to get rid of it. Gonna take a break from the exposure therapy and the anxiety forum for the rest of the morning, mainly because I am freakin' exhausted from triggering it over and over this morning, but I'm not going to give up until I get over this fear of heart attack. I want my normal life back.

[acetone]

Think of how we humans slaughter animals so that we can eat. Do you think farm animals want to go under the butcher's knife? Nobody wants to die but death is commonplace in our world. One should fear an unlived life more than death.