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View Full Version : I have a serious social problem here.



Jeordie
10-14-2007, 05:17 PM
I am relevantly afraid of people. To the point I prefer not having to deal with them and not leaving my house. Im oh so scared. I used to be sociable, sometimes shy, but still functioning, loving work challenges, working in groups, etc. Being generally interested in people.

I'm sorry. Too many bad experiences in short time.
Girl rejections. People telling me nasty things. People not caring about me. People silently kicking me out of their group. I think of myself as a victim of the bigot town I live in. It is certainly bigot. As a fairly open minded person, I am one of those who pays expenses.

If I was dumb and narrow-minded like most people here, I don't think I'd have any problem at all. They'd love me, of course. Because I'd be dumb enough. Like them! See, it's a problem being an interesting individual with a personality, here. You're fucked if you are! Socially excluded.

I have bouts of desperation. There's nothing I can do about it. They did it, it's their fault. They treated me badly, they decided to fuck with my soul, probably not realizing my life would have been completely ruined by that. I don't feel there's nothing I can do.

I want to survive, first of all. I hate some people. I honestly do. I think it's bad, very bad to feel hate and rage. I try not to think myself as a bad person who hates people, but I can't blame who does. They did nasty things to me, how can I ever love them? They made my life barely bearable at times. So, try to understand why I'm angry.

I am afraid of doing something bad. Life alone doesn't make much sense to me. I want people, I want to love people and be loved back. One doesn't seem to be enough. I want a general sensation of "being liked". I need it. I can't live without it.
I don't get this sensation most of the time lately. Most of the time, I KNOW this town's people dislike me because I'm different. Doesn't matter in best or worse. I'm different: they hate that. They hate different people.
It's next to racism. When I'm on the streets, I see glances of people and many seem to confirm that.
Honestly, I think some people still like me. But many don't. Many don't, and they're wrong. They've some prejudice or something. Something against blondes. Something against well-dressed people. Against artists who write in cafes (nobody does that here, I'm the only one). Maybe they don't like the way I look, but fuck off, I work as model - many like me so why shouldn't you, idiot. If you don't fuck off and don't (dare) make me feel bad about myself. I am trying not to feel bad about myself, but I do...........why should I feel good about myself............... who am I to say I'm that and that..........others should tell me what I am................I am used to that.................base my opinion of myself on what others think, and until now it's been good enough to survive.

Does anybody have an idea of what I should do to move on? I am stuck in here, people tell me I should leave. But I know it isn't about the place. I'm gonna have troubles elsewhere too. So if it's not about the place, then I don't think I have much hope to live happily anywhere.

It's about me, and "regular" people in the streets.
What should I do. Love them because they're racist?
I will NEVER make them win. I will NEVER adapt to them: I am not like them, and I'm not wrong.

They are the people I have problems with, they are the arrogants. I hate arrogance. Towards me or anybody else. Mine is just a reaction. I'm trying to survive. I never had problems with snobs and intellectuals, they love me. I don't know why. I seem to feel more at ease with them. I don't have anything against people with "low" culture. They should just leave me and anybody else free of being whoever they are, and have another kind of culture - higher or lower fuck off!!!!! I am being snobbed and disrespected by "regular" people because I have higher culture and they don't even seem to get it?!?!?!?!? Is this "the world"?!?

They don't seem to respect me as a different individual. They have a problem. It's a silent problem the media don't talk about. Many killers were intelligent people who were socially excluded because of higher intelligence: they kill because of that. Because people didn't accept they were smarter.

THIS IS, TO ME, THE BIGGEST SOCIAL PROBLEM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

People who made some isolated are the real killers. I blame them, not the killers themselves.

It's a dark time. I need help with that.

Remember, I used to be sociable, people in this small fuckin' town decided to socially exclude me because I've decided to be different and they're not ok with that (they have no excuse. They should train themselves to accept others). Reaction: loneliness and sadness.

I think my freedom to be whatever I want to be is just OUT OF DISCUSSION. Totally obvious.
If this world doesn't grant this basic freedom.......
I don't know. I have to think about that.

Daisy
10-15-2007, 05:03 AM
My heart goes out to you Jeordie. What mental torture you have and are going through. I cannot begin to understand people's perception of anyone that appears different to others, nor can I give you an acceptable answer to take away your pain.

I know it only takes one word or look, to send us back down into our anxious state. Try to keep thinking positively, don't give in to anything others have a problem with. Keep as busy as possible.

I know someday day you will find your peace. Daisy

Jeordie
10-15-2007, 05:26 AM
Thanks for your message.
I was getting better, but as you say, sometimes something insignificant gets back all the bad memories. Maybe you see somebody on the street who reminds you of somebody else - who in the past hurt you - for some reason...
That's how, maybe, changing town for a while would be refreshing (which for a serie of situations I haven't done lately). Seeing completely different people (I love different people), and things. Memory doesn't get in your way.
I need that.

Keeping busy...
see, it's a time in which I would just vagabond and think. This is what I'd do, if it'd be possible. Apparently it isn't. Apparently vagabonds aren't treated nicely...at least here.

I...wouldn't choose to be busy. I just want to walk around!! Why is this bad, because I wouldn't be "productive"?

I hope one day I'll just be free of walking around. Right now, I'd better keep myself busy.

It's for pride that I'm not doing it "properly" - and ok, I'm gonna give that up - my serenity is more important. But, in my opinion, it's CRAZY that some people think things MUST be in a way that the human condition doesn't allow many times to be. It's simply...unhuman.

Jeordie
10-15-2007, 11:30 AM
I walked down the streets today, relaxed. A low-class guy I've never seen before shouted me "gay" in his dialect, in a way wich is insultory.

I told him I wasn't gay. And that I couldn't see why he was doing that.
I wanted to punch him. Because he was trying to make me feel bad. But I didn't.

I went home, and cried. He succeeded, he made me feel very bad. I can't see what I should do about it: maybe next time I should hurt somebody who does that to me.

They are CRAZY. They are SHIT. And I'm going crazy among them.

Jeordie
10-15-2007, 11:31 AM
This IS turture. This is me being crucified by ill, worthless people.

Jeordie
10-20-2007, 12:52 PM
Bah, this is me convinced I'm the victim trying to explain why I feel faint all the time and why I'm not out of this town yet. This is me trying to find the strength to change.....I know I can, somehow...