Maggie123
10-10-2007, 05:37 PM
I have been suffering from anxiety all my life - it`s like a curse in our family - my mother and granny also have it and take the relevant medicines.
But so far it was not that serious, I have always managed to keep the things under control.
Until the last 3-4 months. Feels like I am going through pure hell. Two times already I was rushed in the emergency room, because I had such an unbearable chest pain, difficulty breathing, stabbing feeling in my neck and underarms, dizziness, that I thought I was having a heart attack. Infact, the first time I was diganosed with hyperventilation, and the second - with anxiety disorder.
Because of the constant self-destructive thoughts and the stress I am subjected to on a daily basis, I have all the typical symptoms - irregular heart beating, racing heart, constant chest pain, radiating from the middle of the chest to the neck and the back, stabbing feelings all over my body, twitching of the muscles, tingling, "pins and needles" in my legs and hands, have to go to the bathroom every hour, without really feeling the need to. Furthermore- insomnia, dizziness, nausea, coordination imbalance. I have never been so physically sick in my whole life - my immunity system is completely down. I had 2 sinus infections, urinary tract infection, bronchitis, ovaris cysts, bacterial infections...And I am only 26 - all I want is to enjoy life.
But I do know the reason for all these. I am generally very sensitive and predisposed to lots of self-analysis and destructive thoughts. Was also anorexic for 5 years. But the very specific reason for the panick attacks I am experiencing lies in a mixed feeling of fear and guilt. To make the long story short - I was living illigaly in a western country /i`m coming from Eastern Europe/ for several months and changed my passport twice in order to hide that. I also took out a small sum of money /50 eur / twice via a private organisation, using my first, already invalid passport. /This was not done on purpose - I was myself confused by the whole story/ Now everything is over, we are members of the EU, but I am still afraid that the police might chase me and put me in jail. I know this fear is irrational, but I can`t get rid of it. It`s intensified by my feeling of guilt /althought going to this country was my only way for survival at that time/. Sometimes I am feeling that I am going insane - I am thinking of myself as the greatest sinner on Earth, imagining policemen standing infront of my door and handcuffing me. I am so afraid of them. And of the moral preaching they would give me - other peoples` opinion has always mattered too much to me. It`s turning into paranoya now- I can`t think anymore about anything else. It`s disrupting severely my daily life. The repetitive thoughts and images bother me nonstop. And furthermore - I can`t forgive myself . Please, someone tell me how to make peace with my past, and to go on with my future. Please someone tell me, I haven`t comitted such a big crime. Will medicines and therapy help? I am so desparate....and I want to live so much...
But so far it was not that serious, I have always managed to keep the things under control.
Until the last 3-4 months. Feels like I am going through pure hell. Two times already I was rushed in the emergency room, because I had such an unbearable chest pain, difficulty breathing, stabbing feeling in my neck and underarms, dizziness, that I thought I was having a heart attack. Infact, the first time I was diganosed with hyperventilation, and the second - with anxiety disorder.
Because of the constant self-destructive thoughts and the stress I am subjected to on a daily basis, I have all the typical symptoms - irregular heart beating, racing heart, constant chest pain, radiating from the middle of the chest to the neck and the back, stabbing feelings all over my body, twitching of the muscles, tingling, "pins and needles" in my legs and hands, have to go to the bathroom every hour, without really feeling the need to. Furthermore- insomnia, dizziness, nausea, coordination imbalance. I have never been so physically sick in my whole life - my immunity system is completely down. I had 2 sinus infections, urinary tract infection, bronchitis, ovaris cysts, bacterial infections...And I am only 26 - all I want is to enjoy life.
But I do know the reason for all these. I am generally very sensitive and predisposed to lots of self-analysis and destructive thoughts. Was also anorexic for 5 years. But the very specific reason for the panick attacks I am experiencing lies in a mixed feeling of fear and guilt. To make the long story short - I was living illigaly in a western country /i`m coming from Eastern Europe/ for several months and changed my passport twice in order to hide that. I also took out a small sum of money /50 eur / twice via a private organisation, using my first, already invalid passport. /This was not done on purpose - I was myself confused by the whole story/ Now everything is over, we are members of the EU, but I am still afraid that the police might chase me and put me in jail. I know this fear is irrational, but I can`t get rid of it. It`s intensified by my feeling of guilt /althought going to this country was my only way for survival at that time/. Sometimes I am feeling that I am going insane - I am thinking of myself as the greatest sinner on Earth, imagining policemen standing infront of my door and handcuffing me. I am so afraid of them. And of the moral preaching they would give me - other peoples` opinion has always mattered too much to me. It`s turning into paranoya now- I can`t think anymore about anything else. It`s disrupting severely my daily life. The repetitive thoughts and images bother me nonstop. And furthermore - I can`t forgive myself . Please, someone tell me how to make peace with my past, and to go on with my future. Please someone tell me, I haven`t comitted such a big crime. Will medicines and therapy help? I am so desparate....and I want to live so much...