Rant on my mum and the nasty modeling world

[Jeordie]

I am pissed with my mum right now,

and this is the reason.

One of the part-time jobs I do is modeling, which I do just and exclusively as a way to make money. It just happened I started doing it.

Friends and relatives always had mixed reactions. They were the first to actually push me into it, when I had the opportunity. When I started doing it, though, the enthusiasm fell and I began having mixed reactions. I felt mistreated by several friends who criticized every single picture I have taken for fashion advertising (the first weren't perfect, of course, but I went improving). I quit with most of them since I don't believe I'm good looking or anything, just normally appreciable, and I don't need bouts of criticism to keep doing these jobs. They made me way too self-conscious and I didn't need to nurture that.

I have quit modeling for the last year, because of anxiety-related issues. This winter I barely went out my home. I refused several jobs, also big ones. I felt actually so ugly I went "you're kidding me" when they offered me those. I truly and honestly felt unbearably ugly most of the time, deep in myself, that I just thought they were choosing me for my ugliness.

That was just an anxiety and neurosis reaction. I wasn't THAT ugly.

Anyhoo. I am now starting again, with slightly increased self-confidence. Though, it's a continuos fight against negative external stimula.

My mum doesn't help. She was (obviously) the first to tell me to get that first modeling job, but now she's changed.
Today I told her I had a new opportunity coming, hoping to get encouragement.

What did she tell me?
"Oh, make yourself pretty then".

What the F*** do you mean, mum?? Either I'm pretty the way I am or they can fuck off. I know what I have to do to make myself presentable to that job. I'll shave, smile and present myself neately. She said "get a tan" and such, kept saying "you need to look good" for that job.

Well writing it, I actually feel better, because it doesn't seem such a tragedy. But just few minutes ago I was boiling. I'm coming out from that BAD crisis and instead of encouraging me and telling me "you're perfect, go get that" as I wish she would (she's my mum! it wouldn't be so difficult for her) she gives me the impression she doesn't think I look good enough for the job. Which, being her my mum, is bad! Very bad.

I'm discovering more and more this not-helping side of my parents, I guess I'm becoming an adult and need to deal with that.

Oh, in case of any sexual confusion, I'm a 24 yo male.

So, how would you cope with this...
The job is about attitude.
It doesn't mean I should go there knowing I'm the coolest and most handsome guy on earth. It means being ok with the way I am. It means real self-confidence that shows in the picture. This is the job.
What my mum says is exactly the opposite: you're not ok now, you have to do something about it.
That's what she thinks, maybe. It frustrates me. It makes me self-conscious and not relaxed when I have to prepare for the photoshoot. I'm immature, probably.

[Jeordie]

Oh, I forgot to say, this frustrates me because it's my MUM doing this to me, not anybody. I wouldn't give a shit if it was somebody else, I've learned people talk too much. But my mum...if she's not encouraging, it's like the whole life isn't.

Melanchonic.

[woofytalk]

Hey sweetie,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're upset. It sounds like from your point of view, you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. Actually - maybe it's just the weight of your Mums opinions...

One of the hardest steps in overcoming anxiety is taking the stand that separates you from the crowd. You've got to make decisions in life where you just simply don't care what anyone else thinks. Because ULTIMATELY it's YOUR life.

When you go to bed at night, you're the only one who has to accept your actions for the day. When you can obtain that kind of independance, you'll find that everday decisions become much easier because you're no longer relying on what others think. The world becomes a lot less complicated and your purpose becomes simpler and more focused.

A little trick i have...

For when you do figure out what makes YOU happy. not your Mum or anyone else. Find out what you want and go for it. Once you know, you can conquer any anxiety. Want to know how?

Have that goal in your head. I'll use my own for the purpose of this example. My husband and I are planning on moving to the country in about a year. That is our goal. Having this goal gives me a purpose. So whenever something comes up that makes me anxious, all i have to do is think -

"Will this thing stop me from getting to my house in the country? Will it stop me from having that breakfast in the country on a Sunday morning with my coffee, toast and jam? Will this thing causing me anxiety really matter in 10 years?"

The answer is 99% of the time NO. 99% is a pretty good statistic. You know what that means? That means that 99% of our anxieties will not lead to any major consequence that affect what we want in life. They are just whipped cream. Pointless and pesky worry. As insignificant and a fly in the apartment. Let it go and find YOUR happiness. It's YOUR life. Live it always for YOU.

-Rachel

[Jeordie]

Hey, thanks...

I talked with my mother about that, I told her that what she said made me anxious for that and that. She answered: "you silly. I didn't mean you weren't good enough. You obviously are. I was just recommending to give your best - in this case, look your best".

Mmh. So, she is a good and supportive mum after all.
I often talk to people if I feel bad about something they've said or done. Most of the times, it's about misunderstanding - bad communication. So, in this last discussion with my mum, there was nothing to be pissed about - it's just the old ghost of bad self-esteem coming from time to time. Anxiety is then gone, completely.

It is, as you say, a fly in a room as another. It flew away, quickly...talking helped.

But I'm happy this situation allowed me to know you and your beautiful response. I wish you the best with this goal of yours, which is actually similar to one of my long-term dreams (not that long term, the right moment might come sooner than expected). Living in the country, with a person I love, and being able to live something simple and essential - a perfect moment like a Sunday breakfast - this is what really matters to me, above all.

Right now my goal is to have my own independence and "routine" (better call it "discipline") by the next year. See, sometimes I forget that.

Having a goal directs your life, helps you in overcoming any anxiety or trouble, because in the end THAT is what matters and nothing can stop you from that.

I'm actually repeating what you've already said =)
So, I can just thank you again for reminding me what matters in life and wish you the best in achieving your beautiful dream.

I also like to remember a quotation I once read, something like that:
"life is what happens while you try to achieve your goals".

Because in the end, the best things are unexpected and unimagined - the route to the goal is a way to open yourself to the miriads of life opportunities...