Need help with irrational thoughts

[debbiedis]

Hi all,

I've always been quite anxious my whole life and a hypochondriac. Every ailment was leading to death in my mind and frightened me. It never really bothered me and had a few panic attacks in my 20's, I'm now 33. My doctor prescribed anitdepressant a few times but I never took them. I would get very anxious in stores and stopped driving on the highway. About 6 months ago, I was in bed one night and my heart started racing and I was sure I was having a heart attack. I waited until the next day and made an appointment with the cardiologist. Everything checked out fine and he was talking to me and said I'm very high strung and should see a therapist about it. Well I guess that's all I need to hear because the next few days turned from being petrified I was dying of a heart attach to being petrified I would commit s....... My co-oworker did it last year and at the time I said what an idiot he was and we searched for reasons as to why he did it. I hate mysteries, and always need answers.

Well now somehow I;m petrified it could "happen" to me. Then the fears of going crazy happened. I wouldn't leave my mom's side and wouldn't be left alone. I made my mom take me to the local mental hospital and they asked a bunch of questions and said I had GAD. I still work and can function and go out and hang out more than ever now. They wanted me take Lexapro but I'm really trying to stay away from the meds. I went to a psychotherapist and she just kept trying to go back to some kind of traumatic incident that happened even after I told her there wasn't anything bad that happened in my life. Very happy childhood etc. The last 10 years have been rough with an almost foreclosure, 2 sick dogs and a variety of other things that I handle very well. Everyone commends me on my rational behavior during crisis!

Well now I'm a mess. My boyfriend of 18 years who is 37 found out he needed to have open heart surgery in January. It was successfully completed in April. I dont' know if that could have set this off or what.

Anyway, I can't even hear or see the word S******. I get unbearable anxiety. I've read all about letting the thoughts be there and remove the fear and they will go away. I really try to but I'm afraid if I don't worry about it I'll let my guard down and it will happen.

Now I'm having thoughts like what's the difference if you're dead or alive and questioning everything. When I have the thoughts I get tremendous anxiety and I know these thoughts are not logical, but I can't make myself belive it. I'm scared that I could start believing the thoughts.

I read a bunch of stuff on the internet and then have the symptoms too.

I'm terrifed to be become depressed because I associate that with the "s" word. I always google Anxiety vs. depression. I wouldnt even cry for awhile (I'm a big cryer!) because that scared me. EVERYTHING SCARES ME. I can't think about the future and if I do I get scared.

I have great support from friends and family and they know everything and I talk to them all the time. The weird thing is that my mom went through a nervous breakdown at my age and so did my sister.

I've bought Calms Forte and Resuce Remedy because it said it removes irrational thoughts. I wont take it because I'm scared to feel calm when having the thoughts and scared that my irrational thoughts are really my rational thoughts.

I was pretty happy go lucky before this, and have been through quite a few dramatic things and pulled through just fine. I just can't get this out of my head.

Anyone experience this before??? Need help with these thoughts.

[hunn3yy]

Yes Iv had such thoughts. And know the fear of one day just going crazy but you know what we are in control. Your mind just makes you think you're not but you are. One thing I advise is stop searching things. Nothing good will come out of it. Instead just say for today no searching. Plan out your day from morning til night so you have no time to search things. Once you've done one day you'll have the strength to do it again the next day. Also Iv tried the s thing and its not worth it because its alot harder than it seems. Also you don't really go crazy you more so just stop caring of things. I take antidepressants and feel they can be good for people you can always stay at a low dose and therapy will work wonders. Talking about those fears is good because the therapist has heard them all. Take it a day at a time don't think about the future cuz it'll scare anyone.

[DodgingRain]

You don't just commit suicide out of the blue, it isn't something that just "happens" to you. You have to be in a really screwed up mental state usually for quite a while before going there and its a conscious decision that you've put a lot of thought into when you do attempt. It took me years to get to that place. Unfortunately it's probably going to take even more years to get away from it if I ever do.

It doesn't sound like depression. If it were depression you would not be going out and hanging out more, it would be the opposite. You also wouldn't be telling your friends and family everything, it would be the opposite. Also with depression often a person thinks the negative thoughts are rational, not irrational.

Based on what you are saying its either anxiety or some sort of obsessive compulsive issue but that is really for a professional to determine.

Worrying about committing suicide is not really what depression is about.

[octopus]

You don't just commit suicide out of the blue, it isn't something that just "happens" to you. You have to be in a really screwed up mental state usually for quite a while before going there and its a conscious decision that you've put a lot of thought into when you do attempt. It took me years to get to that place. Unfortunately it's probably going to take even more years to get away from it if I ever do.

It doesn't sound like depression. If it were depression you would not be going out and hanging out more, it would be the opposite. You also wouldn't be telling your friends and family everything, it would be the opposite. Also with depression often a person thinks the negative thoughts are rational, not irrational.

Based on what you are saying its either anxiety or some sort of obsessive compulsive issue but that is really for a professional to determine.

Worrying about committing suicide is not really what depression is about.
Yes I agree 100 percent. It takes alot of Depression to get to that point. months and years.

[DodgingRain]

When you start doing things like experimenting with suicide then you're in trouble. I started with stuff like not drinking anything for days at a time in the hope that it wouldn't be painful and I would just pass out or die when asleep as an easy way to do it.

BTW, they lie when they say you can only go three days without fluids, you can do much more than that when you are laying in bed doing nothing.

[MrsJ88]

I'd say you definitely have anxiety couple with obsessive compulsive thoughts

[jessy]

I don't think you are suffering from depression .

Anxiety & OCD I'd say & there are meds to ease the anxiety & CBT therapy would be very good for you , x