Foxglove
07-22-2013, 12:09 AM
I wrote to a friend today and wanted to ask wise people here for their thoughts too as I am beside myself with worry.
Since his father died, my husband, has been suffering. He not only is depressed but can be very negative and verbally aggressive and sometimes obnoxious. He doesn’t wish to do anything to help himself (partly depression?) and he hates my daughter, making that very difficult for her and me (though she can be demanding, selfish and spoilt, she is also lovely, fun with a great sense of humour). He exaggerates and lies to get his own way and since I have been going out more, in a strong urge to overcome my agoraphobia and anxiety, his emotional manipulation has stepped up; texting and ringing all the time. Yet I can understand this as our relationship has been somewhat co-dependent and I have suddenly ‘flooded’ him with my absence.
But I know I must leave. I am not happy, haven’t been for a long time and I married him for the wrong reasons, was emotionally roller-coasted into it.
If I stay, I will remain mostly a carer, with him sometimes helping me, but him always being my best friend though.
If I go, I worry for him greatly and the impact it would have on him. He is isolated and he hasn’t helped himself, often alienated people. Though I do have numbers to ring for support, I fear he will turn to drink or maybe try to kill himself.
My support worker from domestic violence says I’m not responsible for him, anymore than he is responsible for me, yet I don’t feel that is what marriage/partnership is about. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl (not sure this is a good thing) and I do believe in commitment and loyalty. If you have a child, that child is your responsibility, why does not the same apply with marriage? She says that just because he helped me when I went through a terrible time with anxiety, does not mean I owe him anything. But surely I owe him respect and thought? Abandoning him in his hour of need seems so terribly wrong.
I don’t even believe he can be defined as domestically abusive, just difficult to live with as a result of his problems and deep seated issues. He also has a kind and caring heart. It worries me endlessly when I realise that if I was in town suffering a panic attack, he is the one person I know with certainty would be there for me, there is no one else I can be sure of. How absurd!
And that brings me to my own isolation. When I leave, will this get better? How inhibited am I by my own situation? I have always had high levels of motivation and since being with him, I have tried very hard to improve my situation and seek out friends. This has not always been successful. People talk as if suddenly I will be set free! (like the biased Woman’s Aid site that would say he was abusive if he so much as swore!). I know reality and I have few friends and no family. Some friends I may be able to rely on more than others and perhaps my leaving will give me even more motivation to survive and ultimately thrive (I do hope so) but because most of what I do is at home and because I do still have anxiety, will I survive? What will I do? Who can I turn to when loneliness strikes? I am leaving behind my only family.
My support worker insists I should have a clean break from him...shutting down all that co-dependency and leaving him (and myself to it) and I don’t even know if this is possible. She says if I don’t I will be drawn back in by his emotional manipulation and blackmail (what makes her think I will suddenly stop needing him?). She does say (more believably to me) that he coped before he met me and he will cope again, and this must surely apply to me also. Yet I recall how lonely and desperate I felt before I met him...and I do believe he was the same. That’s sadly why we are in this situation.
I worry about my anxiety and falling ill. Will I cope?
I ask myself how I will feel leaving behind what I have at home and realise I still look forward to talking to my steps sons and being close to them, I still enjoy watching the TV with the family in the evening. I will lose all this.
She reckons that slowly I will reclaim my life and that I have to put myself first. Why does this seem so terribly selfish? What has he really done to deserve this apart from lose his father and have a breakdown and admittedly become an obnoxious git sometimes?
She says I don’t have to make hurried decisions but I can’t keep living in limbo. I’ve lost weight and can’t sleep. I’m worried constantly and I have tried planning to the last detail, I have some of my stuff at a friend’s place who has said I could stay there till I find somewhere (which I have also been looking for).
Can you think of any pearls of wisdom that may help at this hard time? Thank you so much.
Since his father died, my husband, has been suffering. He not only is depressed but can be very negative and verbally aggressive and sometimes obnoxious. He doesn’t wish to do anything to help himself (partly depression?) and he hates my daughter, making that very difficult for her and me (though she can be demanding, selfish and spoilt, she is also lovely, fun with a great sense of humour). He exaggerates and lies to get his own way and since I have been going out more, in a strong urge to overcome my agoraphobia and anxiety, his emotional manipulation has stepped up; texting and ringing all the time. Yet I can understand this as our relationship has been somewhat co-dependent and I have suddenly ‘flooded’ him with my absence.
But I know I must leave. I am not happy, haven’t been for a long time and I married him for the wrong reasons, was emotionally roller-coasted into it.
If I stay, I will remain mostly a carer, with him sometimes helping me, but him always being my best friend though.
If I go, I worry for him greatly and the impact it would have on him. He is isolated and he hasn’t helped himself, often alienated people. Though I do have numbers to ring for support, I fear he will turn to drink or maybe try to kill himself.
My support worker from domestic violence says I’m not responsible for him, anymore than he is responsible for me, yet I don’t feel that is what marriage/partnership is about. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl (not sure this is a good thing) and I do believe in commitment and loyalty. If you have a child, that child is your responsibility, why does not the same apply with marriage? She says that just because he helped me when I went through a terrible time with anxiety, does not mean I owe him anything. But surely I owe him respect and thought? Abandoning him in his hour of need seems so terribly wrong.
I don’t even believe he can be defined as domestically abusive, just difficult to live with as a result of his problems and deep seated issues. He also has a kind and caring heart. It worries me endlessly when I realise that if I was in town suffering a panic attack, he is the one person I know with certainty would be there for me, there is no one else I can be sure of. How absurd!
And that brings me to my own isolation. When I leave, will this get better? How inhibited am I by my own situation? I have always had high levels of motivation and since being with him, I have tried very hard to improve my situation and seek out friends. This has not always been successful. People talk as if suddenly I will be set free! (like the biased Woman’s Aid site that would say he was abusive if he so much as swore!). I know reality and I have few friends and no family. Some friends I may be able to rely on more than others and perhaps my leaving will give me even more motivation to survive and ultimately thrive (I do hope so) but because most of what I do is at home and because I do still have anxiety, will I survive? What will I do? Who can I turn to when loneliness strikes? I am leaving behind my only family.
My support worker insists I should have a clean break from him...shutting down all that co-dependency and leaving him (and myself to it) and I don’t even know if this is possible. She says if I don’t I will be drawn back in by his emotional manipulation and blackmail (what makes her think I will suddenly stop needing him?). She does say (more believably to me) that he coped before he met me and he will cope again, and this must surely apply to me also. Yet I recall how lonely and desperate I felt before I met him...and I do believe he was the same. That’s sadly why we are in this situation.
I worry about my anxiety and falling ill. Will I cope?
I ask myself how I will feel leaving behind what I have at home and realise I still look forward to talking to my steps sons and being close to them, I still enjoy watching the TV with the family in the evening. I will lose all this.
She reckons that slowly I will reclaim my life and that I have to put myself first. Why does this seem so terribly selfish? What has he really done to deserve this apart from lose his father and have a breakdown and admittedly become an obnoxious git sometimes?
She says I don’t have to make hurried decisions but I can’t keep living in limbo. I’ve lost weight and can’t sleep. I’m worried constantly and I have tried planning to the last detail, I have some of my stuff at a friend’s place who has said I could stay there till I find somewhere (which I have also been looking for).
Can you think of any pearls of wisdom that may help at this hard time? Thank you so much.