thrapologist
07-17-2013, 10:35 AM
I am nothing. I know I'm weak because of what constantly plays in my head, I know I must have some strength because I don't always listen to it. There has to be another way of escaping it besides obeying the orders/acting on the feeling.
Despite starting a new work out routine, going cold turkey on evvvverything (besides the occasional energy drink) improving my sleeping and eating habits and attempting to intentionally switch to more positive lines of thought, it hasn't gone away. It hasn't even begun too, if anything it's just stronger now. Louder (though not literally, it's only a thought).
Four months ago I left my husband for the third time, but this time for good. Just like the times before, I hated life without him and everything that came with him (the drugs, smokes, constantly escaping cares and worries) but I know that somewhere, from some part of me I actually hated that lifestyle itself. Since returning to my hometown I have found God, made a couple of new friends (though one is moving now, yay(!)) and improved various aspects of life. Still, and I think due to the years I wasted, I am haunted by these urges and feelings. I accept this is part of life, mine anyway. But there has to be something I can do to keep from wallowing because I know the more I do that, the closer I get to being the person the thoughts tell me I am.
I miss believing everything would be okay, even if it was just because I was taking drugs and was oblivious to how dysfunctional my relationship with my husband was. I miss believing he ever loved me and that I was on track to begin a family within the next six years or so. Maybe trying not to consciously think about all that is making me feel bad about myself, because I don't always think about it and it has all just come out now!
Sorry this is so terribly written, but thanks for reading it.
Despite starting a new work out routine, going cold turkey on evvvverything (besides the occasional energy drink) improving my sleeping and eating habits and attempting to intentionally switch to more positive lines of thought, it hasn't gone away. It hasn't even begun too, if anything it's just stronger now. Louder (though not literally, it's only a thought).
Four months ago I left my husband for the third time, but this time for good. Just like the times before, I hated life without him and everything that came with him (the drugs, smokes, constantly escaping cares and worries) but I know that somewhere, from some part of me I actually hated that lifestyle itself. Since returning to my hometown I have found God, made a couple of new friends (though one is moving now, yay(!)) and improved various aspects of life. Still, and I think due to the years I wasted, I am haunted by these urges and feelings. I accept this is part of life, mine anyway. But there has to be something I can do to keep from wallowing because I know the more I do that, the closer I get to being the person the thoughts tell me I am.
I miss believing everything would be okay, even if it was just because I was taking drugs and was oblivious to how dysfunctional my relationship with my husband was. I miss believing he ever loved me and that I was on track to begin a family within the next six years or so. Maybe trying not to consciously think about all that is making me feel bad about myself, because I don't always think about it and it has all just come out now!
Sorry this is so terribly written, but thanks for reading it.