Panic attack last night

[HealingTime]

I posted all the gory details in the depression forum, but I wanted to delve into the attack a bit. Husband said I told him I was afraid of him. I used to do that in a control tactic during a panic to try and control him into calming down. Last night I don't remember WHAT the hell I said. I though I just said I was scared. But when it comes down to it I barely remember texting my friend. I barely remember what was going through my head other than leaving the house and driving recklessly in the rain and causing a solo accident. I barely remember him coming into my office. He used words to control me and now given that he thought I was controlling him with saying I was scared I get why now.

It was like I wasn't in control. Like I was acting but totally unaware of what I was doing. Like I was watching from the outside this tragedy that is my life unfold before me. I am extremely encouraged I didn't force my attack on him. I am even more discouraged that I had one in the first place. It just kind of took me over.

I want to stay home today and call my doc and get a leave from work but that won't help. I have to be strong. My head is pounding like I have a hangover. Probably from the 2 sleeping pills I took since I only got about 7 hours sleep.

I'm "at the gym" sitting in the parking lot regrouping from last night. I hate that I succumbed to panic but it could have been much worse.